traumatic separation feedback advice

[den2004]

wife left my son and I when I was out of town, suposed to move together to usa from canada, no note or message, she took all money, furniture

 

[startingover]

Wow. I really don't know what to say. Pray that God softens her heart. I can't imagine why she would do this to you. Definately go see that lawyer and if tehre is anything you can do to protect you and yoru son. I'll be praying for you!

 

[Ruhama]

I agree with startingover, in pretty much every aspect. Do try to protect yourself legally in whatever ways you can.

 

[Ruhama]

I apologize if that last reply sounded a little curt and to the point, I'm just so flabbergasted at what she's been doing I didn't have much else to say except to think gosh she's nuts. It just sounds to me like she went crazy or just got into something funky spiritually. When I replied as I did I just meant it to be: prevent her from taking anything else away from you and your son. Did she do this to previous husbands? If she doesn't have a total and drastic change of heart within a few more months, and maybe a personality change while we're at it, my PERSONAL feelings (apart from what the Bible may or may not teach) is get things official, divorce and move on with your life. You with your forgiving attitude remind me a lot of Habbakuk. But if she does this as like a habit, you've got every right and in fact it would probably be wise, to wash your hands of it. She won't be coming back, unless this is the mental equivalent of deciding to join a cult. If she can do this to you.... I just don't know what else she's capable of and this is the most utterly selfish and hurtful thing she could possibly do. Not something I recommend you go back to, but you have my respect for trying to stay so biblical and forgiving. She cut the relationship as completely as she believed possible. Given that, I expect she's made her decision firmly; if she has, I think you should let her go her own way.

 

[bkg]

my PERSONAL feelings (apart from what the Bible may or may not teach) is get things official, divorce and move on with your life.e relationship as completely as she believed possible. Given that, I expect she's made her decision firmly; if she has, I thinkYou with your forgiving attitude remind me a lot of Habbakuk. But if she does this as like a habit, you've got every right and in fact it would probably be wise, to wash your hands of it.

As is typical for me, I completely disagree. You cannot "wash your hands" of a person, a marriage, and more importantly a covenant. Doesn't work that way. It's not Biblical, and it's not in line with Christ's teachings.

Den2004, I can empathise with what you are going through. Obviously no two situations are identical in all ways, but there are always common themes. And frankly ours are very similar.

That being said, no humans opinion on this issue means a hill of beans. No mine, not friends, not families, not anyone else on this board. The only opinion that matters is that of Christ Jesus. Anyone else will struggle to give Godly advice inline with Biblical teaching and Christ's words.

This is a spiritual battle, my friend. Your wife is not your enemy - Satan is. I think we often find ourselves blaming or fighting against our spouse as though they are mortal enemies because of the hurt or pain he/she has caused. That's exactly what Satan wants! That is NOT what God wants! I'm not at all condoning the behavior that your wife is displaying right now, but I am asking you to look beyond the pain of that behavior to the truth that Satan is at work here, and you need to turn this over to God and continue to pray fervently for your wife, her safety, her salvation, your marriage, etc. She is obviously not of sound mind right now - being irrational - which leads me to believe 100% that Satan is at work.

My opinion, which again shouldn't matter when compared against the Bible, is to pray for your wife, your family, your entire situation. I do not agree with getting a lawyer at this time, as that will only give Satan the rest of what he needs to destroy your marriage.

God Bless... keep praying. Never give up on God's promises.

 

[tonya]

I totally have to agree with BKG here...Of course you do have to protect you and your minor child..but don't give Satan more of a foorhold in than he already has..also may I recommend that you purchase and read Life Without Strife by Joyce Meyers...

As is typical for me, I completely disagree. You cannot "wash your hands" of a person, a marriage, and more importantly a covenant. Doesn't work that way. It's not Biblical, and it's not in line with Christ's teachings.

Den2004, I can empathise with what you are going through. Obviously no two situations are identical in all ways, but there are always common themes. And frankly ours are very similar.

That being said, no humans opinion on this issue means a hill of beans. No mine, not friends, not families, not anyone else on this board. The only opinion that matters is that of Christ Jesus. Anyone else will struggle to give Godly advice inline with Biblical teaching and Christ's words.

This is a spiritual battle, my friend. Your wife is not your enemy - Satan is. I think we often find ourselves blaming or fighting against our spouse as though they are mortal enemies because of the hurt or pain he/she has caused. That's exactly what Satan wants! That is NOT what God wants! I'm not at all condoning the behavior that your wife is displaying right now, but I am asking you to look beyond the pain of that behavior to the truth that Satan is at work here, and you need to turn this over to God and continue to pray fervently for your wife, her safety, her salvation, your marriage, etc. She is obviously not of sound mind right now - being irrational - which leads me to believe 100% that Satan is at work.

My opinion, which again shouldn't matter when compared against the Bible, is to pray for your wife, your family, your entire situation. I do not agree with getting a lawyer at this time, as that will only give Satan the rest of what he needs to destroy your marriage.

God Bless... keep praying. Never give up on God's promises.

 

[blazer]

I'm a lawyer and I think you should meet with the lawyer as you've planned -- but that doesn't mean you need to file for a divorce. I'm not familiar with the domestic relations laws of Canada, so you will need to ask the lawyer about the possibility of getting a "legal separation" from your wife. If that is an option, it will provide a legal framework for you in dealing with your current situation. It will provide legal parameters for property division, support & maintenance, custody & visitation, etc. In essence, it is many things a divorce is, but it is not a divorce! (And, a legal separation can be converted to a divorce, if it becomes appropriate to do so.)

So I suggest you take legal actions to protect yourself and your son. And continue to pray for your wife. I agree with BKG that Satan is the enemy here. Don't look at your wife as "the Enemy." Keep your child's best interests in mind in everything you do, since he is the most important person affected by this.

 

[Ruhama]

While you raise good points, a covenant is broken when only one breaks it, as in adultery. Now think about it logically: which is more detrimental, being unfaithful in sex or in cutting off the relationship entirely? She has chosen to completely leave the relationship. There is no covenant unless she reenters it.

I left room for her repentance, but God does not want us in situations where our lives are someone's doormat for our whole lifetimes and we are destroyed emotionally because we think we are following God.

Understand what I'm saying? It is a choice, and a valid one, to continue to be faithful to a covenant that one party has broken. But it is not what God commands unless he personally convicts us like Habbakuk to stay.

 

[bkg]

While you raise good points, a covenant is broken when only one breaks it, as in adultery. Now think about it logically: which is more detrimental, being unfaithful in sex or in cutting off the relationship entirely? She has chosen to completely leave the relationship. There is no covenant unless she reenters it.

Can you back that up with Scripture, please? As I recall, a covenant is not broken by someone simply leaving.

I left room for her repentance, but God does not want us in situations where our lives are someone's doormat for our whole lifetimes and we are destroyed emotionally because we think we are following God.

Also needs scriptural support, IMHO. Saying "God doesn't want" needs support. There are great numbers of scriptural stories that speak to the exact opposite of what you are stating (Job, The Isrealites 40 years in the wilderness, Jesus Himself).

Understand what I'm saying? It is a choice, and a valid one, to continue to be faithful to a covenant that one party has broken. But it is not what God commands unless he personally convicts us like Habbakuk to stay.

I do believe it is a choice to maintain a covenant... But you're also saying that it's only a suggestion unless we are convicted? It's only a "it'd be nice if you did this, but it's not that big of a deal - I'll tell you if I REALLY mean it..." So I guess I really don't understand what you are saying...

I apologize for the thread detour, but I think the topic of whether or not a person should stand for teh covenant he/she entered with their spouse AND GOD is one that often gets a "flesh" spin moreso than a scriptural one.

Den2004 - my apologies for the detour. Whatever direction you take, please make sure it's a direction that God has lead you in. Never stop praying - you may be the only one standing in the gap for your wife.

 

[Leanna]

Yup, BKG, I'm with you. Its a covenant and just because one person leaves doesn't mean it is broken. It is damaged not broken...

 

[troubled heart]

Yup, BKG, I'm with you. Its a covenant and just because one person leaves doesn't mean it is broken. It is damaged not broken...

How do you repair a damaged marriage if the other person is not willing to speak to you or claims you are harrassing them when you do try to confront them? My husband has not spoken to me in almost four months...I have prayed hard, cried hard and nothing. My husband wants nothing to do with me and it's a nightmare...I love him just as much as I did when we married. He is not a Godly person, and he doesn't pray or even go to church...he is such a proud man and sticks to his guns no matter what. I have asked God to soften his heart and pray for strength to deal with all this grief. I have decided to leave my husband alone and continue to pray hard and believe that God will continue to work in our lives. No matter what happens...I know I tried my best to save our marriage, but what can you do when the other no longer believes in hope or love or anything..

 

[bkg]

How do you repair a damaged marriage if the other person is not willing to speak to you or claims you are harrassing them when you do try to confront them? My husband has not spoken to me in almost four months...I have prayed hard, cried hard and nothing. My husband wants nothing to do with me and it's a nightmare...I love him just as much as I did when we married. He is not a Godly person, and he doesn't pray or even go to church...he is such a proud man and sticks to his guns no matter what. I have asked God to soften his heart and pray for strength to deal with all this grief. I have decided to leave my husband alone and continue to pray hard and believe that God will continue to work in our lives. No matter what happens...I know I tried my best to save our marriage, but what can you do when the other no longer believes in hope or love or anything..

Please check out this thread: http://www.christianforums.com/t786600

And check out any or all of the resources for answers to your questions. I'm in a similar boat as you are, but I know that God is restoring my marriage in HIS TIME!!!

 

[den2004]

I wish to thank everyone for there advice, I have read them all.
Where is God in all of this. I beleive that God gives all of us free will, Gods will has to line up with scripture, and under these circumstances our character will be tested, and being cautious is the best approach.
I heard the advice about being a doormat, my wife is easily mislead and influenced. But, you cannot change anyone else, only yourself. I will not be a doormat anymore, but as I think it has been suggested I have to at least do the minimum to protect myself and my son legally and emotionally. Why is she talking to me? Maybe just so I won't go to court against her?
I appreciate all feedback on this situation, as it is hard to make objective decisons when you are going through this. Also if you listened to advise from non christians, or christians who don't follow scripture I believe you can be the cause of the problem yourself.
God Bless and we will see what happens today.

 

[den2004]

Hello everyone,
I see noone made any suggestions to my last post. Don't blame them it appears very strange situation probably. Well my wife and I who are separated talked last night as I walked her how to setup her ADSL on her computer (I am a network engineer) spent 4 hrs on phone in all. Anyway we had a good talk and actually started to communicate pretty well. (she is in US I am in Canada).
When she got her email going which she hasnt for 1 month things changed though. She read an email I sent to her on 23rd sept which even my pastor who I send copies to got right upset with. So she blew a gasket, and ranted and raved for about 1 hour, said she wasnt going to couples workshop in nc now, then ended with us praying together on phone, about relationship, etc. which amazed me.
What did I learn, be careful in a separation what you say, or email, even if you maybe right and trying to confront the other spouse, it will probably be taken as critizism. Who really cares who is right, as long as the problems are addressed later on in counselling, etc. Being right, or having to rehash things is probably a guy thing, but I think the way to Divorce. Am I right? I got off phone and was convicted by the holy spirit that I had sent this email back on 23rd not by the spirit but by the flesh. I was almost in tears.
Is it all my spouses fault we are separated NO, so I am not going to get into the victimized role, or blame game any longer.
Off to church this morning. God Bless everyone

 

[Leanna]

How do you repair a damaged marriage if the other person is not willing to speak to you or claims you are harrassing them when you do try to confront them? My husband has not spoken to me in almost four months...I have prayed hard, cried hard and nothing. My husband wants nothing to do with me and it's a nightmare...I love him just as much as I did when we married. He is not a Godly person, and he doesn't pray or even go to church...he is such a proud man and sticks to his guns no matter what. I have asked God to soften his heart and pray for strength to deal with all this grief. I have decided to leave my husband alone and continue to pray hard and believe that God will continue to work in our lives. No matter what happens...I know I tried my best to save our marriage, but what can you do when the other no longer believes in hope or love or anything..

You do exactly what you are doing. My husband did that when I moved out and we did reconcile. Sometimes it wasnt pretty but he is a good man and now a good support. It may take longer, but don't give up just yet. Keep praying and don't replace him or divorce.

 

[den2004]

Thanks and no I did not give up on my Wife, although I came close.
Well flying next week from canada to Retrouvaille seminar on east coast usa which my wife has agreed to go to with me to. Yes she wants to reconcile now. Is there issues to be dealt with? There are lots. Our 12 yr old son is afraid it will happen again. God is good and anyone that has been following the posts I made from the start knows that in 2 months things have changed completely.
God Bless Everyone
Dennis

 

[Mother Vashti]

Wow.

 

[bkg]

God does amazing things... Praise Him!!!!!!

 

[Mother Vashti]

I'm just curious, is she your son's biological mother?

 

[den2004]

No she is not the biological parent, she has been his mother since he was 6 years old. If she was his biological son, she would have taken him for sure with her.

We will find out where this marriage is going by end of next week.

Dennis