Trapped...

[Stealth001]

Pray for me. I'm TRAPPED.

My wife left me a few years ago. She wanted to open our marriage and because I wouldn't tolerate it she began having an affair. She then left me saying that she wanted to "live life", evidently a life that has nothing to do with God or morals. She even let a gay couple (male friends of hers) move in with her in her new place. She doesn't care what influence this has on my son. She hasn't filed for divorce or served me any papers. I'm broke and I don't have the money for an attorney or court costs. I'm barely making it by. I pleaded for counseling and reconciliation, but she made it perfectly clear she doesn't have any desire to return.

During the past two years a relationship developed between me and a lovely young lady I've known since I was a teen ager. She is a divorcee and has a daughter. She faced some personal situations and found herself needing a place to stay so I let her move in with me. We've essentially built a home together. We have a rutine and a fully functional household. My son LOVES coming to our home because we both spend a lot of time with the kids, things are "mormal", and we enjoy playing with them, helping them with studies, ensuring that they are properly dressed and cared for, ensuring that they have all their needs met, etc. A few neighbors who thought we were a married couple commented that we are the most stable family they've encountered. We just take the compliment with grace and inform them that we're "divorcees" not married yet. I know that's not the whole truth, and it tears me up. But it sure beats the stigma the kids would face if the neighborhood knew all the details of our story.

It is so painful that I'm technically still "married" to my estranged wife according to the law. More than anything I'd love to at least be divorced and in a place to seriously consider and plan on marrying again. The problem is... I have NO MONEY for the fight. As it is now we just barely make it. We do home Bible studies together and truly love God. We attend church on occasion but try not to draw attention to ourselves because we know we'd dishonor Christ. Our situation is VERY distressing and painful. I hate it. I've never "lived in sin" like this.

I played by the rules with my estranged wife before we were married. We even got married before moving in together. Both of us were very active in local church ministry. But she changed in her mid-thirties and I've never faced anything like this.

I'm just a man. I'm human. I have needs, wants, and dreams. I want to love and be loved. I don't want to be alone. When I was alone I sank into a pit of depression and self destruction. My problems closed in on me to the point that I didn't care if I lived or died. I want to live again. I want to please God. But as it stands... I'm trapped in this horrible place due to lack of resources. I' starting to hate myself and to wish that I was never born. The only thing that keeps me going is my prayer that someday my life will be "normal" and glorifying to God again. I tried to talk to my estranged wife about the circumstance, pleading to maybe split the cost of the divorce/dissolution, and she laughed at me and said that she didn't have the money either. And then she said if she could get the money, she wanted FULL custody of our little boy, not joint costody. Yet I wonder why she doens't have the money. She's going out and drinking on the weekends with her friends all the time. Her facebook illustrates how much of a "party girl" she has become. Strange men, couples, and new friends leave me in shock. She's not the women I married. And I can honestly say that I don't love her, nor would I be able to trust her if she wanted to come back. I want this behind me and I want to move on with my life but I'm trapped.

I feel depressed and hopeless. I know that I'm in sin. I know that God hates me. I'd greatly appreciate any prayers or advice anyone might have that could help me in this circumstance.

 

[bertolt]

Man, that's terrible. I'm praying for you. I don't know what a good plan of action is for you - perhaps try to talk to a lawyer and see if he can recommend someone who might help you through pro bono work?

If your ex is obviously wasting money and claiming poverty, that may invalidate any claims she has... but I'm not a lawyer and the law tends to make decisions I think are simply amazing.

 

[The Nihilist]

1. Talk to a lawyer. Most of them will give you at least a free consultation.
2. Whatever Paul says, whatever your pastor says, whatever your judgmental neighbors say, Jesus never condemned a single contrite sinner. He hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors, and he did that before they got their lives in order. The only people he ever did condemn were those who judged others, so your neighbors can stuff it.
3. Take a deep breath and keep going. You'll get there, buddy.

 

[Stealth001]

I've spoken to three different attorneys. One estimated $6,000 for a divorce, and wanted $3,000 down. The second wanted $1,000 for a dissolution and $500 down, but that would entail me agreeing with everything my estranged wife is wanting (including giving full costody of my son to her). The third said that he'd file the divorce paperwork for $1,000 dollars. However, if she wanted to contest any of my demands the price would climb in accordance with what it would take to fight her legally. He said he must have $500 in an account to draw from at all times, so initially I'd need at least $500, and if she fought it keep his account over $500.

Legal aid turned me down on account that no physical abuse was involved.

It's just very rough. It seems like if someone has the money they can do anything. I feel like I'm trapped in sin because I don't have the money to get out.

A pastor friend of mine advised that I send my lady friend and her daughter packing because it was an aborrant sin against God, seeing that we're not married...compounded by the fact that I am still married to my estranged wife. But if I do that, first, my heart would break. Second, she has been so good to me and has stood by me unlike no one I know. Her financial support to the household has helped keep a roof over our heads. Without her I'd fold and she'd go to live with her ailing older parents (who stated they didn't think they'd be able to deal with her or her five year old daughter considering their health issues) or a shelter.

I'm so torn up and feeling hopelessly trapped I don't know what to do. Most of my church friends don't talk to me because I'm "living in adulterous sin". But it's now that I feel like I need them the most.

I must admit, this has caused me significant fear of marriage and the legal issues that it brings in our modern society. I'm not affraid of a lifetime committment. I love that. I feel safe being committed to a single person. I know they could walk whenever they desired... but it's been my experience that a partner can do that in a marriage too. At least if one isn't "legally married" there is a clean break, and the state still works to determine what's in the best interests of any children. Sometimes I can't help but think that our legal system is somewhat oppressive... unless one has the money to get it to work for them.

 

[The Nihilist]

Do what you gotta do. If there's one thing that Jesus makes clear in the Gospels, it's that he gets it, and he loves you.
Remember when his disciples picked grain on the sabbath, and the clergyman yelled at them? Jesus told those men to stuff it, and if he knew your pastor friend, that's what he'd tell him.
Alternatively, if your friend wants to help, hit him up for the $6,000. If he takes God's will seriously, it's a good way for him to get you out of a bad spot. If he tells you you're on your own, you should think about making some new friends.

 

[LinkH]

Stealth001,

Man, that's a tough situation. When a partner bails like that and starts living wicked, that's not good. I'd really by trying to get my child out of that situation.

I really believe you need to get out of this living situation. If you know it's wrong, you know that to. There has to be some other place for her to stay. You can not commit any sins with her in the house, both pray about living right and holy and commit your hearts to the Lord, and then pray for the Lord to open up a place for them to stay. Find forgiveness for your sins through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know you want love, affection, and have some normal needs every man has, but Christ has to come first. God's will is best for you, anyway. If you know you aren't doing the will of God, start doing it, pray, ask for help, and let Him help you out. Get on the Lord's side. If God be for you, who can be against you?

If your problem now is a lack of resources, you would really be praying with that. But some things can hinder our prayers. We know not honoring our wives can do that. Maybe you have heard Psalm 66:16, "If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened;"

If you need money, get your heart and life right with God-- He's there to help. That will put you in a better position to pray with faith. Then you can start praying for your wife to repent, for the gay couple to move out and repent. You can pray for money and help for all the things you need to do to protect your child. It could be some of the choices you have made are hindering you from doing the things you want to do.

 

[The Nihilist]

23 One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some heads of grain. 24 The Pharisees said to him, “Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?”
25 He answered, “Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need? 26 In the days of Abiathar the high priest, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions.”

27 Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. 28 So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.”

That's Aramaic for stuff it.

 

[LinkH]

We are talking about adultery, not interpretations of how to keep the Sabbath.

Jesus told the chief priests and elders of the people in Matthew 21
'Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. 32 For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.'
(NIV)

John led people to repentance and forgiveness of sins. When Jesus went to Zacchaeus' house, Zaccheaus repented. Both of them talked to people the religious elites wanted to have nothing to do with. Neither one of them said, "Stay in your sins, let your lives remained messed up, but I won't judge you."

 

[The Nihilist]

We are talking about adultery, not interpretations of how to keep the Sabbath.

Jesus told the chief priests and elders of the people in Matthew 21
'Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. 32 For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.'
(NIV)

John led people to repentance and forgiveness of sins. When Jesus went to Zacchaeus' house, Zaccheaus repented. Both of them talked to people the religious elites wanted to have nothing to do with. Neither one of them said, "Stay in your sins, let your lives remained messed up, but I won't judge you."

It's not clear to me that legalism about sex is different from legalism about the sabbath. As Jesus's disciples suffered the pain of hunger, so does our friend suffer. Let the poor man do what he has to do to get by and spend more time pulling the planks out of your own eye.

 

[LinkH]

If you tell me I have a plank in my eye, what does that say about your eye?

He knows what he is doing isn't right. He needs to be encouraged to do what is right.

I wouldn't advise kicking a five-year-old out on the street in this situation, but he could sleep on the couch, and pray for financial help for everyone involved until something comes through.

 

[Aquila001]

If you tell me I have a plank in my eye, what does that say about your eye?

He knows what he is doing isn't right. He needs to be encouraged to do what is right.

I wouldn't advise kicking a five-year-old out on the street in this situation, but he could sleep on the couch, and pray for financial help for everyone involved until something comes through.

Bad situation. I pray God's grace and forgiveness prevails. Whatever one choses to do, I pray it's grounded in love.