Touchy Subject

[Sandy1948]

Hello

I am new here. If this offends, please forgive me.

My husband likes pornography and he says it's a normal male thing. For a while, he was substituting that for me. We talked about it, but I am not sure that he has or will give it up completely.

Is it normal? I am asking sincerely for input about this - it is really bothering me

THanks for any insite anyone can give

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Hi sandy It's normal "to him" if he's not a believer! The world encourages it but we as christians are supposed to abhor and flee from it!I don't have any sites to reccomend but I'm sure others do. Mabe if he can see some examples of how it destroys marriages, and a healthy sex life he'll think twice.If he loves and respects you, he will at least "try" to stop viewing it. I hear porn is a heavy addiction just like drugs, so it will take Godly patience and grace to stand by him!

 

[Grishnak]

Hello

I am new here. If this offends, please forgive me.

My husband likes pornography and he says it's a normal male thing. For a while, he was substituting that for me. We talked about it, but I am not sure that he has or will give it up completely.

Is it normal? I am asking sincerely for input about this - it is really bothering me

THanks for any insite anyone can give

Us guys are very visually stimulated.
Sadly enough, the porn industry thrives because of this weakness.

Just keep trying to work with him on it if you can.

http://www.contentwatch.com/learn_center/article.php?id=140

 

[Henaynei]

you may try posting for some recommendations from those who have struggled with this in the forum Struggles with Sexuality

 

[Mr.Cheese]

No. It is a cop out to justify pornography based on gender. What about the women who are addicted to pornography?
Pornography turns human beings into objects for pleasure. It's dehumanizing. It affects your attitudes regarding how you deal with people.
I think pornography is especially destructive in a marriage. You have every right to not put up with this.

 

[bliz]

Not normal.

Does he have any idea of how his use of porn impacts you and your sex life and your marriage?

 

[Henaynei]

"if you look upon a woman to lust after her ..... you have commited adultry"

that said - pornography is insidiously addictive - as much as any chemical - it twists itself around your heart and mind like a strangler fig vine - and getting clean is a fall'n'stumble-frought process - it requires commitment, dedication and motivation - and it requires patience and an accountability structure with another man (in this case) - whether the accountability partner is the pastor or another strong believer who is free - it needs to be someone

 

[Yitzchak]

It is common but not normal if by normal you mean a healthy thing or an unchangeable attribute. But it is very common for men to struggle in this area and very common for there to be phases of denial in that struggle. In my 22 years in evangelical circles I have met hundreds of christian men who have struggled with porn. Of course , the vast majority struggled with what would be called "soft" porn. "R" rated movies, playboy magazine. That sort of thing. There is a very small group who struggle with a more severe form of porn. Things that are not able to even be mentioned because of decencies sake. So if your husband struggles with "soft" porn, you will find that 90% of christian men have also struggled with it at some point in their lifetime.

One of the best ways of a man getting help in that area is to find some Christian men at church who believe that porn is a sin to be overcome. The excuse that it is just a "guy" thing to do won't work on them.

 

[heartnsoul]

I also agree it's not normal. There are lots of resources, support groups, and organizations out there that will help your husband overcome that porn addiction. You may want to tap into some of those resources and suggest that your husband go get help for himself. Both of you may also benefit from some marital counseling to get through his recovery of the addiction.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[BigToe]

I think it is common. And I think if someone is using it in place of their spouse, that presents a problem. They say men are more visually stimulated than women. Perhaps you can talk to your husband about what you can do to help him not replace you with images of other women.

 

[searchingforGodlyanswers]

Hello

I am new here. If this offends, please forgive me.

My husband likes pornography and he says it's a normal male thing. For a while, he was substituting that for me. We talked about it, but I am not sure that he has or will give it up completely.

Is it normal? I am asking sincerely for input about this - it is really bothering me

THanks for any insite anyone can give

Hello. Welcome to Christianfourms.
I'm not offended by you or your husband personally but by what your husband's actions are doing to you and the actions themselves. It bothers me too, and it bothered me when my husband and I have had inappropriate behaviors. He is not cherishing you alone the way he should. I see it as a form of cheating. You are the only female he should be desiring.
I have a dictionary here that says normal: average, regular, or standard.
Let's look at it from the wordly perspective.
Average. Of course it's average if most wordly men enjoy doing/watching fornication and what not. It would not be out there if men and women were not viewing it or doing it, whether it be on the playboy PPV channels, magazines, computers, real strippers, etc. But to find out average, wouldn't there have to be some numbers involved? I would think in less developed countries where television and computers are not prevalent, that the average man does not have time for this, as he and his family are trying to survive or make ends meet. Then there are some men who practice celibacy as part of their lifestyle, and that's completely "normal" too.
Regular. It probably is regular for men who practice this lifestyle, as they feel they have to do it as part of their addiction or high.
Standard. By the world's standards, it would be highly irregular and not normal for a man to not be interested in looking at other beautiful or well-endowed women in addition to their partner or wife. The world's standard is that it doesn't hurt anyone to look and lust after another, and you can have your cake and eat it too.
Let's look at it from the Godly Biblical perspective.
Matthew 7:13-14 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
According to this, what is normal or average & the standard by which most wordly people (including wordly Christians who think it's ok) is the path that is wider and leads to destruction, and many take that path.
The path that is not normally taken by most people is the straight and narrow way that leads to life. Remember when God made Adam and Eve and told them concerning the forbidden tree "Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die"? Well, did they physically die right away? They got to enjoy touching the fruit and eating it.
Proverbs 14:12
There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.
Men might think it's alright or okay and normal and not wrong, but there is some form of "death", even if it's not immediately physical.
Genesis 3:6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
She saw something pleasant, and desired/lusted for it. Then she took and ate. Some people can say that it is similar to sexual lust.
II Samuel 11:2-4
And it came to pass in an evening-tide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.
We all know the destruction that took place after David saw, looked upon, and sent after her (kind of similar to a man looking at a woman on the computer and writing to her or ordering a playboy movie and denying his wife to do his own business when she's there and wanting him to hold her?). Not only did he murder to hide it, but he also lost his child because of the affair. He lusted after a married woman. Some also say here he did wrong because he stayed at Jerusalem when he should have been with his men doing battle.... So is telling you that it's normal his way of hiding himself from being responsible for any guilt or exterminating any guilt or second-guessing because it does bother you and he knows it and he should love you and the two of you should be submissive one to another or is it just that he simply does not know that it is wrong, especially if it is possible that it will create a stumbling block for you and/or the marriage?
verse 1
AND it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Tabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem.
See the "but" he stayed part. Is wrong place wrong time the same as a man going to a store or to the tv or pc or going to the wrong place in his heart and with his body at home?
Matthew 5:27-30
Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
What Jesus, GOD in the flesh, says goes.
Regardless of if your husband is saved or not, you may want to show him these verses, especially if he persists in his actions . Does he know specifically why it bothers you? Is he a Christian? Would he be okay with it and think it's "normal" if the roles were reversed, if you were to do some online sexual chatting and cybersex with some guy you would never meet, which a lot of lonely, angry, hurting wives in need of something probably do? (Of course let him know beforehand if you ask this that you love him and you would never want to betray him or God this way, so he can get more of a hint of where you're coming from that you are disturbed by it but just want him to think about role reversal.)
Is he satisfying desires (not needs) you cannot meet because he won't let you (in which case he should have come to God and you first to meet his actual needs and to get to the roots of his desires and cut out the weeds, not porn women on tv/pc/magazines/or whatever method he uses, to straighten it out). If he is addicted to sex or porn, wanting it (mostly) all day, it will be almost impossible to satisfy him to keep him from straying to porn because that's his drug of choice. And just like with any other drug, as a man becomes more addicted to pornography, the more likely he'll turn to another outlet (flirting or emailing/chatting and later meeting them) or increase the frequency to get the high. The bigger question here should be what should he being doing for God, you, and your relationship, instead of focusing on other women and his desires.... According to the Bible the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's body belings to the wife. Is it something he can stop cold turkey, or does he need help stopping it? There are some churches that have meetings for men who are addicted to or use porn. It might benefit everyone involved if he goes to a few meetings and sees what pornodraphy did to others in the group, just make sure it is Bible-based on God, because if he stops he will need to change that outlet to which he goes to God and a (closer) relationship with Him (who can satisfy all our needs) first, and then you and developing a closer relationship, his God-given gifts.
I have heard for men sex is sex and for women it's more a way of relating with her loved one or an emotional involvement. Is it a high for him and he can't stop? He may need you to pray with him and for you to pray when he is not there too and over his sleeping body and each and every time he turns to it. Have the two of you talked about getting Christian marrital counseling?
I know from personal experience that if he stubbornly insists it's normal and does not heed your feelings or the Bible, then he will continue to do it.
Just because he can do it does not make it right. Yes it is normal, but normal in this case is not Godly, nor is it pleasing to God & you. The way which seems right to him may leave you feeling hurt, rejected, betrayed, etc, causing strife in the marriage and a form of "death" in it or even more serious betrayals down the line should he chose to continue his action
(even if he does not ever meet a woman in real life he may try hiding it or going somewhere else to get that release).
You cannot control you husband, but you can control your reactions to what he is doing. Hopefully he will turn around and repent. I have heard that spouses can become stronger and closer together in conflicts, but I am still trying to figure this one out, as I think that had there been no strife between me and my husband, we would have been closer earlier. Bored, maybe, but closer and without me having the fear that he'll go back to or is going back to his previous behaviors.
In turn I hope everything works out for you as I am sure it will....
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

 

[chilibowl]

There is a great resource "Every mans battle" this book speaks right to this very issue. It also gives the tools and start in the right direction that he would need if he is ready to give this addiction up. you can get it through1800-new-life or newlife.com..Christian book stores carry it as well.

 

[babyangel]

Since lusting after a woman is in theory committing adultery then is pornography (not the casual look here and there, but hard core porn addiction) a form of adultery when it does interfer with the marriage.

 

[InTheFlame]

From a secular perspective -

The Porn Myth - Naomi Wolf

 

[Risen Tree]

Hello

I am new here. If this offends, please forgive me.

My husband likes pornography and he says it's a normal male thing. For a while, he was substituting that for me. We talked about it, but I am not sure that he has or will give it up completely.

Is it normal? I am asking sincerely for input about this - it is really bothering me

THanks for any insite anyone can give

It depends on what the outcome is.

If he's using porn as a substitute for you, yes we have a real problem on our hands.

If he's using porn to spice up his sex life with you, I see nothing wrong with it. In and of itself, whatever enhances your relationship is probably a good thing.

 

[Grishnak]

"I made a covenant with my eyes, how then should I look lustfully at a young woman?
(Job 31:1 HNV)

..

 

[Johnnz]

A very large number of Christians have had some exposure to porn. We need to look a bit further than just condemning it, as that may notaddress the underlying issues.

When first created, mankind was ‘naked and not ashamed’. I see this as meaning there was complete openness between the couple, and by implication everyone else. There was no privacy as we understand it today. People would be naked physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually before each other and as with God. No secrets, no hidden agendas, just unconditional love and acceptance in a common life of total happiness. Today, in a fallen world porn is the substitute and corruption of that original purpose.



Man and woman were to be one flesh. This means that their sexual union symbolized and made real a wonderful union between two people that resulted on their living as one person in a sense of a common love, commitment, intentions towards each other, and total commitment to each other’s happiness and well being. Casual or any form of substitute sex is the complete opposite of all this.

So, in God’s original intention for people, our sexual organs would be as public as our noses. Our enjoyment of something beautiful, such as a rose, a sunset, or beautiful music would be no different from enjoying two beautiful, well formed breasts, or a wonderfully proportioned body. This is where men are right in saying it's normal for guys to be interested in looking at photographs of naked bodies.. We are meant to enjoy a beautiful woman, or for women, a handsome guy. Guys and girls could also enjoy the bodies of the same sex, without that being deemed homosexual.


I know this sounds way off for many Chrstians, but the widespread incidence of porn issues for both men and women, a general interest in sexualilty, and the number of Christians who have sex outside of marriage, not to mention the issue of masturbation, and the questions married couples have about making their sex life fulfilling indicates quite clearly to me that there is a huge gap between our ideals and what many Christians actually do.

I have no issue with porn being wrong. But I am not prepared to simply label the reasons why Christians view it as being due to lack of self control, or disobedience etc. It probably is both of these, but that is not the whole story. Something more fundamental is involved. That's why I wrote what I did.

John
NZ

 

[Southern Cross]

It depends on what the outcome is.

If he's using porn as a substitute for you, yes we have a real problem on our hands.

If he's using porn to spice up his sex life with you, I see nothing wrong with it. In and of itself, whatever enhances your relationship is probably a good thing.

Oh, please don't fall for the old "spice up the sex life" excuse.

 

[seebs]

Oh, please don't fall for the old "spice up the sex life" excuse.

This seems fairly hostile and dismissive. I have no idea what the arguments on both sides are. I have known people who will watch porn together and appear to think it fun. I assume it's like any other thing some people like and others don't.

But I don't see an easy basis for such a casual dismissal. I'm also not sure which part of it you're dismissing. Are you arguing that:

* Porn never spices up anyone's sex life
* Spicing up a sex life is not useful

Or is it something else?

 

[Truly Blessed]

Oh, please don't fall for the old "spice up the sex life" excuse.

This seems fairly hostile and dismissive. I have no idea what the arguments on both sides are. I have known people who will watch porn together and appear to think it fun. I assume it's like any other thing some people like and others don't.

But I don't see an easy basis for such a casual dismissal. I'm also not sure which part of it you're dismissing. Are you arguing that:

* Porn never spices up anyone's sex life
* Spicing up a sex life is not useful

Or is it something else?

Since I was going to post that I agree with the statement and came across this post I will justify my supporting of the prior post.

I would be refering to the op poster not to justify looking at porn as a way to spice up your sex life and that it is just an excuse. Porn is a sin no matter how you want to twist it around.