To Flirt or not to Flirt?

[CoreyO]

I think some people misunderstood so let me clarify and expound. I am not talking about about a random stranger, but rather a person that I am probably already good friends with, but have only recently (say a few weeks or a few months) began to feel "more" for. Rather than flirt for months, I'd just be up front and tell them.

I used "Hey I like you, wanna do something sometime?" so to make my point, it's actually go something like this:

"Hey, we've been friends a while, but recently I've realized that I really like you. I'm not into the whole "flirting" thing, and I don't want to send any mixed signals, so I'll say it straight. I really like you, not just as a friend, but as a woman. If you'd like, I'd like to do something with you. Dinner, a movie, whatever. As long as it's you."

Or something along those lines. I would actually tell her that I'm not good with flirting, and that I don't want her to get mixed signals.

I did this once with a friend of mine, and she was greatly appreciative that I just told her instead of being "flirtatious". It didn't work out because she was going to college in another state, and she just happened to be interested in someone else at the time, however because I was straight with her, she wasn't confused and we remained friends. I didn't mess with her head. And because of it, we had one of the greatest conversations about college, Christianity, and about life in general that I've ever had.

I would never ask a stranger out like that, though. I am the kind of person who has to be friends with a woman for a while before I began to look at them as more. I don't consider friendly sillyness/goofing/banter as flirtation.

 

[PrincessFromOz]

It would hurt me terrible for someone to show a real intrest in me and then just blow dry.

This happened to me just recently...

Now I wonder whether it is all worth it.

 

[justaGUYnamedROB]

I don't consider friendly sillyness/goofing/banter as flirtation.

I do.

However, the implication that flirting = "messing with someone's head" is not at all accurate. And to assume that flirting automatically entails malicious intent is also inaccurate.

"Mind games" are just that, mind games. One mind game that springs to mind is this one mind game that some people like to play where they take one certain aspect of what somebody else does, such as flirting for instance, and try to cast it in a negative light so as to convince whoever they might be interested in that whoever else might be flirting with them is inherently bad or has ill intentions.

It's sad that there are people out there who believe that they must try to make others look bad in order to make themselves look more appealing. A scripture dealing with this springs to mind: something about not bearing false witness against your brother...

 

[CoreyO]

I do.

However, the implication that flirting = "messing with someone's head" is not at all accurate. And to assume that flirting automatically entails malicious intent is also inaccurate.

"Mind games" are just that, mind games. One mind game that springs to mind is this one mind game that some people like to play where they take one certain aspect of what somebody else does, such as flirting for instance, and try to cast it in a negative light so as to convince whoever they might be interested in that whoever else might be flirting with them is inherently bad or has ill intentions.

It's sad that there are people out there who believe that they must try to make others look bad in order to make themselves look more appealing. A scripture dealing with this springs to mind: something about not bearing false witness against your brother...

Do NOT put words in my mouth.

I am coming from my experience. What I call flirting is obviously not what you call flirting.

From Merriam-Webster:

flirt[1,verb]
Pronunciation: \&#712;fl&#601;rt\ Function:verb Etymology:origin unknownDate:1580 intransitive verb 1: to move erratically : flit2 a: to behave amorously without serious intent b: to show superficial or casual interest or liking <flirted with the idea>; also : experiment <a novelist flirting with poetry>3: to come close to reaching or experiencing something &#8212;used with with<flirting with disaster>[wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]e temperature flirted with 100°>transitive verb1: flick2: to move in a jerky manner

I've bolded one of the definitions.

"to behave amorously without serious intent b: to show superficial or casual interest or liking"

I don't flirt, as a personal preference, because I don't want to take the chance, that a young woman may take it the wrong way and think I am more serious than I am.

 

[quitespirit]

Not sure what people consider flirting. But Flirting to me means "showing someone undue intrest, affection, saying or acting in a way that suggests that you fancy them" when in fact your not really after them, you just want fun or a challenge.
Well I never would flirt on purpose unless she knew we were messing around. It would hurt me terrible for someone to show a real intrest in me and then just blow dry. I would lose faith in woman and not be able to trust any one again. What do you guys think?
Do unto others as you want done to you?

I think flirting is great!...with my betrothed or husband (in theory!) What edifying thing comes from 'flirting'?

I face this dilemma myself. You see, there is a nice fellow who I would like to get to know better. I have tried to be very standoff-ish up to this point, as I was not trying to encourage anything that wouldn't lead anywhere. But things have changed a bit and I am interested in knowing if he is interested, because I am interested in learning more about him. lol

But since I don't value flirting (since getting saved that is) I am thinking through how to communicate interest. I would love to be subtle, but it may not be practical without being flirtatious. I may just invite him to dinner with some friends or write him a letter "Hey fella, you seem like a nice guy. If you're down, I'd like to get to know you. Whatcha think?"...

*sigh* How romantic! But alas, the courtship mentality that I lean toward is very practical in the beginning. If I'm looking for a life long commitment the emotional part can wait a while.

Just my 2 cents, with a dash of salt

 

[CoreyO]

I think flirting is great!...with my betrothed or husband (in theory!) What edifying thing comes from 'flirting'?

I face this dilemma myself. You see, there is a nice fellow who I would like to get to know better. I have tried to be very standoff-ish up to this point, as I was not trying to encourage anything that wouldn't lead anywhere. But things have changed a bit and I am interested in knowing if he is interested, because I am interested in learning more about him. lol

But since I don't value flirting (since getting saved that is) I am thinking through how to communicate interest. I would love to be subtle, but it may not be practical without being flirtatious. I may just invite him to dinner with some friends or write him a letter "Hey fella, you seem like a nice guy. If you're down, I'd like to get to know you. Whatcha think?"...

*sigh* How romantic! But alas, the courtship mentality that I lean toward is very practical in the beginning. If I'm looking for a life long commitment the emotional part can wait a while.

Just my 2 cents, with a dash of salt

See, this is the same as my approach. Flirting is defined as anything but serious. If I have no intention of pursuing a relationship with a woman, then why (or why not) flirt?

I choose not to because :

A) it takes up time (that I usually end up wasting), and B) it can send mixed signals to her, especially if she is as bad I as am at deciphering those signals.

Rather than flirting casually, if I began to see a friendship as something more, I would go with "wooing" over "flirting":

From Merriam-Webster:


woo
Main Entry:wooPronunciation: \&#712;wü\ Function:verb Etymology:Middle English wowen, from Old English w&#333;gianDate:before 12th century transitive verb 1 : to sue for the affection of and usually marriage with : court 2 : to solicit or entreat especially with importunity <woo new customers> 3 : to seek to gain or bring about intransitive verb : to court a woman

I am in no way saying that flirting is "evil" or even "bad". I think some people are good at it and I am not, therefore I choose to abstain from it. It doesn't make me a better or worse person, and it doesn't make anyone who does flirt better or worse.

 

[quitespirit]

My experiance, and I would imagine others like me, goes something like this:

I used to do whatever my flesh said to, and it told me to be bold and agressive with guys. I was sharp tounged and quick witted. I was a great 'flirt' and proud of it.

But since I surrendered to God I am living a life of purity, as many seem to be doing on this board (what a pleasent surprise!). So having a guy flirt with me is not a welcome thing. It's playing with matches with me, and though I can make Godly choices I prefer to not be tempted by 'fun flirtation'. As an abstinant Christian and a woman flirtation leaves me flustered and missing the companionship God hasn't given to me at this point. Where's the fun in that?

I do see some value in showing interest to gage someone elses interest and get to know them. I have done this a little with that fellow I have a shining for. Just asking him a question or two when we run into each other. It's more relational then I used to be (before I new he was a Christian). I would be asking things that relate to my standards for a husband. So I think it's different from flirtation, and it also has practical purpose.

Anywho....that's what I think at 1am!

 

[justaGUYnamedROB]

Do NOT put words in my mouth.

I did this once with a friend of mine, and she was greatly appreciative that I just told her instead of being "flirtatious". It didn't work out because she was going to college in another state, and she just happened to be interested in someone else at the time, however because I was straight with her, she wasn't confused and we remained friends. I didn't mess with her head. And because of it, we had one of the greatest conversations about college, Christianity, and about life in general that I've ever had.

Your words, not mine.

Once again: flirting /= "messing with someone's head."

flirt[1,verb]
Pronunciation: \&#712;fl&#601;rt\ Function:verb Etymology:origin unknownDate:1580 intransitive verb 1: to move erratically : flit2 a: to behave amorously without serious intent b: to show superficial or casual interest or liking<flirted with the idea>; also : experiment <a novelist flirting with poetry>3: to come close to reaching or experiencing something —used with with<flirting with disaster>[wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]e temperature flirted with 100°>transitive verb1: flick2: to move in a jerky manner

The bolded definition is how I flirt. Hence, the buying a car analogy.

I'm sorry if I came across as severe, but flirting is such a subjective term based on how it's used and perceived from one person to the next, that spinning it like it's a dirty word based solely on the fact that the potential for ill-intent is there just makes it a sweeping generalization.

No facet of human love is beyond corruption, but is love condemned because of this?

 

[latteda]

I personally can't imagine not flirting with someone that I'm attracted to (as long as it is appropriate). To me, it's just a natural, fun way to express interest in another person. I guess I would define it as just a way to show your attraction for someone else in a playful way. I have been told I'm a pretty playful person, though...in my definition of flirting, I would continue to flirt with my husband after I'm married.

I do not flirt with a person that I have no attraction to or someone it is inappropriate to flirt with. That's just not cool.

 

[God Child]

As for the car sales analogy, unless you see flirting as a plausable way gaining accurate knowledge of that persons character traits and personality, the analogy falls apart. I personally don't see flirtation as a plausable way of gaining such knowledge of that person, the knowledge that would indeed be required in order to make such a decision as to start a dating (courting)relationship with them. As i see it, its better to keep (or try really really hard to ) one's focus on God, seeking God and also seeking to edify, trying not to go the "natural" road, for we are not to be natural but rather spiritual having our natural man crucified with Christ. Don't get me wrong however, i am not trying to condemn whatever kind of behaviour you may assent to as being defined as flirting, just want to encourage fellowship with God. He who finds a wife finds a good thing, but he who finds God find the greatest thing.

Ephesians 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

So, aslong as its wholesome flirting or whatever, im tired edit later...

 

[unkalledfor]

I just think flirting is a natural way for us to express ourselves.. I don't think it has anything negative about it.. On the contrary, I think people like to receive that sort of attention once in a while..

Don't take it WAY too seriously... just relax, flirting is not a big deal.. we aren't in middle school, we are adults

 

[songz777]

Umm well intresting thoughts, Now I have a slightly different outlook on it. I think yes there is a measure of "flirt" to find out about that person whether they like you and that you like them. If I met someone I thought yeah nice, then I suppose I would in some measure "flirt" to show my intrest. But I wouldnt flirt with someone I had no attraction for. I still think you need to be be careful on how far you go with flirting as you could really hurt someone if you know what I mean, SO
thanks for all your input GREAT stuff

 

[Inkachu]

That sounds good on paper, but in practice, not so much. (For me at least.)

I'm a complex, multi-faceted person. To draw an analogy from why I think not flirting is a bad idea: I imagine it to be similar to how it would be if a guy walked onto the lot of a car dealership, took one look at the first car that catches his eye, and immediately yells over to one of the salesmen, "This one, here! I'll take it!"

No kicking the tires.

No peeking under the hood.

No sitting in the seats to see if they're comfortable enough.

No test drive.

No trip to a mechanic to have a 100-point inspection done.

Nothing...

Now imagine you're that car. Imagine your owner skipped over all that "beating around the bush" stuff and just signed on the dotted line and took ownership of you straight off the bat. Imagine your owner showing you off to all his family and friends. Imagine the incredible feeling of liberation that you get from not having to suffer the monotony of being cooped up on that dusty old car lot anymore.

And then imagine, a month or two down the road, reality finally sets in on your owner and he starts to notice you've got some rust, dings, and scratches here and there. The way you ride and handle isn't exactly to his liking. He notices it costs him a little more to fill up your tank than his last girl. (I mean, car.)

In short, now that the "newness" thrill has worn off, it's all down hill from here...

I flirt, because I wanna know what I'm getting myself into before I sign on the dotted line. And knowing myself, I for darn sure don't want to fathom the notion that a girl was willing to sign on my dotted line for something as trivial as her thinking my paintjob was a cute color...

Ya dig?

Ahh...asking a girl out on a date is NOT the same level of commitment as buying a car. The DATE is where you get to "look under the hood" and get to know her. You aren't stuck with her, like you are if you buy a car; you don't have to keep dating her if you decide you don't want her!

I don't think the flirting stage is where you should be feeling the other person out. I think the respectable and adult thing to do is spend a little time with that person and get acquainted. Flirting says "I'm interested in knowing you" not "let me try and get to know you through jokes and witty comebacks instead of being straight and honest and vulnerable with you".

That's all MY view. So don't be offended by it.

 

[mina]

i don't even know anymore. I don't think i flirt unless i'm truly intrested. I'm natually jokey, but if i joke about how cute they are or other romantical type thing then i'm into them and interested and flirting. But if i'm making a joke about some random thing like monkeys then i don't consider that flirting.

 

[CoreyO]

I think it all goes back to people have different views on it, just like people have different views on politics, religion, or even personal preferences for food. Some people are receptive to it, and can themselves flirt with ease, and then there are those like me who just... don't and/or can't because that's just not how our brains are wired.

 

[CoreyO]

I think it all goes back to people have different views on it, just like people have different views on politics, religion, or even personal preferences for food. Some people are receptive to it, and can themselves flirt with ease, and then there are those like me who just... don't and/or can't because that's just not how our brains are wired.

 

[Blank123]

I was hurt before by having a guy i had feelings for flirt with me when he wasn't interested in me. I know now that was just his way of having some fun and he didn't mean anything bad by it so its not something i can hold against him and it did make me get a bit more real about that sort of situation when it happened with other guys. I never assumed that because a guy was flirting he was interested after that - i waited for him to tell me if he was

sooo yeah i can understand the need to be sensitive to other people, because flirting can be a way to lead people on. I'd just make sure i knew where the guy stood and he knew where i stood before flirting though, even if it didn't mean anything. Although now all my flirting is reserved for one guy so i guess it doesn't matter much now what i think about it

 

[Im_A]

Not sure what people consider flirting. But Flirting to me means "showing someone undue intrest, affection, saying or acting in a way that suggests that you fancy them" when in fact your not really after them, you just want fun or a challenge.
Well I never would flirt on purpose unless she knew we were messing around. It would hurt me terrible for someone to show a real intrest in me and then just blow dry. I would lose faith in woman and not be able to trust any one again. What do you guys think?
Do unto others as you want done to you?

flirting is fun. i have more subtle ways of flirting, until i know the person. but i think more brazen than lets say romantic with my flirting.

mere hypothetical example that i'll just put into this and ask myself:

i'm with a girl, or getting to know a girl, and for some unknow reason, i descide to flirt with her by telling her how i think she's pretty. what would i do to flirt with her about that? i mean, girls like flirting, it shows desire, and its fun, so why not flirt with her about her looks if i would choose to do so. would i? :

1. say, she is so beautiful and you are so very attractive, and such a beautiful creation? (i'm not making this religious so either fill-in the creation of God, or her parents).

or

2. girl, you are gonna bring the inner austin power in me out if you keep dressing like that!

for me? i'm going with number 2 if i have to choose. its a way of showing her that i'm attracted to her but, its fun and flirtatious and hopefully if nothing else (i hope for the blushing first and foremost but that's just me) makes her laugh at how silly i can be and we just have a good time together.

so for me, flirting is wanted. i prefer brazen rated r or worse flirting tho, because its fun, makes both sides laugh a lot and shows a different side of humor.

and then if the relationship gets stronger, i can save the really beautiful ways of flirting for a serious relationship, and not just use those beautiful ways used so loosely because we hold ourselves to such unreachable standards in how we approach the opposite sex that even a saint couldn't fulfill. those times that we make people feel special by flirting in a very serious/sentimental way, is rare, and very special/holy.

and like i said earlier, for me, i do it in subtle ways at times. maybe so subtle that they don't know it. but i don't think it takes a genius of a woman of such great insight to be able to figure out when i'm flirting with her.

 

[Evie1980]

I think yes there is a measure of "flirt" to find out about that person whether they like you and that you like them. If I met someone I thought yeah nice, then I suppose I would in some measure "flirt" to show my intrest. But I wouldnt flirt with someone I had no attraction for. I still think you need to be be careful on how far you go with flirting as you could really hurt someone if you know what I mean, SO
thanks for all your input GREAT stuff

I thought that I knew the answer to the answer to this one but after reading all the comments I am totally confused

I think that flirting is fun but there has to be a time when you share your true feelings. Flirting is great fun to get to know someone but sometimes it can lead to a lot of confusion if you never really talk about your feelings with the other person. Sometimes you can see it as fun but they could see it as something serious. Everyone has their own opinoin on flirting so I guess you need to just talk to the person concerned and see what happens.

 

[Neve]

I just think flirting is a natural way for us to express ourselves.. I don't think it has anything negative about it.. On the contrary, I think people like to receive that sort of attention once in a while..

Don't take it WAY too seriously... just relax, flirting is not a big deal.. we aren't in middle school, we are adults

Personally, I have to say that flirting is good, if not taken too seriously. If someone wants to take it beyond the "flirting phase" then someone has to speak up. If not, then just assume friendly banter. A lot of time, people will naturally become a little flirty in conservation. No, it's not some conspiracy to play "mind games." Women don't sit at home on the weekends, tap their fingers together, and think about which man's feelings to ruin next via flirting.

Flirting -how its perceived, defined, etc. - does vary from culture to culture, region to region, so there is no "right" answer. It's really what is right for you and the person who you are flirting with.