To all Single and Saved Sisters

[Tink]

Tink, I think you all NEED to read the original post. No one said you guys were wrong for feeling the way you do but I am tired of people bashing those on here that are actually trying to be happy - that are actually trying to be content and joyful during this period of singleness (which is what the OP was about).

The knife cuts both ways....and unfortunately it bugs me that if you are remotely POSITIVE, here comes the onslaught of posts that feel the need to make others feel insensitive. I didn't know contentment equaled that.

I didn't "bash" anyone. I simply stated my opinion. I didn't know we weren't allowed to do that now.

My fault.

Love.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

If you can't learn to communicate/express yourself/or become emotionally available to people in simple platonic relationships, why do you think you will all of a sudden become a totally different person in a marriage? If you can't communicate your feelings within a friendship (ie let's say you are upset with your friend/family member) but magically all of a sudden you can perfectly articulate yourself in a marriage?

As stated before, I have known people who got married based on lust and the marriage tanked. I have also known many people who were "best friends" and got married and the marriage eventually suffered intimacy issues and - the marriage dissolved. Good lovers don't always make good friends and good friends aren't neccessarily potentially great lovers. Marriage is about mcuh more than simple communication at a platonic level. It's a very complex balancing act and sometimes under the greatest stress-a shaky friendship. A marriage isn't about your tact or skills in bonding with multiple people but in successful, mutual reciprocity on many levels with ONE individual. It is never black and white. And talk about anecdotals..your post was nothing but. And furthermore who is bereft of friendships? Even the most reclusive people I know have at least one or two avenues of social recourse. So does that immediately quailify them as being emotionally stable for a more intricate and personal relationship? If not then how many friendships as such must they be able to manage at once before they are? See where this is going? You can't have it both ways.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

As stated before, I have known people who got married based on lust and the marriage tanked. I have also known many people who were "best friends" and got married and the marriage eventually suffered intimacy issues and - the marriage dissolved. Good lovers don't always make good friends and good friends aren't neccessarily potentially great lovers. Marriage is about mcuh more than simple communication at a platonic level. It's a very complex balancing act and sometimes under the greatest stress-a shaky friendship. A marriage isn't about your tact or skills in bonding with multiple people but in successful, mutual reciprocity on many levels with ONE individual. It is never black and white. And talk about anecdotals..your post was nothing but.

I DID NOT post about people being friends first, then mates or anything of the sort.

Yall are obviously reading what you want to see, not what is actually posted.

Have a good nite and be blessed.

 

[mina]

Tink, I think you all NEED to read the original post. No one said you guys were wrong for feeling the way you do but I am tired of people bashing those on here that are actually trying to be happy - that are actually trying to be content and joyful during this period of singleness (which is what the OP was about).

The knife cuts both ways....and unfortunately it bugs me that if you are remotely POSITIVE, here comes the onslaught of posts that feel the need to make others feel insensitive. I didn't know contentment equaled that.

is my post part of what you consider to be an onslaught of posts trying to make others feel insensitive? I really appologize to you if you think that is what i was trying to do. That was not my intention. Is merely sharing my opinion in a respectful way making others feel insensitive? If you think i was disrespectful or trying to make somone feel insensitive in any way i will go back and delete all my posts in this thread. Please let me know. I'm very sorry i even posted here to begin with now.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I didn't "bash" anyone. I simply stated my opinion. I didn't know we weren't allowed to do that now.

My fault.

Love.

Tink, I think Beauty for Ashes NEEDS to reread everyone elses posts. I cannot find anyone bashing anyone. As far as I can tell she's just posturing at this point and I honestly don't know why? She threw out some assumptions and we challenged her. If you don't want your opinions held up to the fires of public scrutiny then don't post them in the first place. We have differing opinions. Mine are not God's law and neither are anyone elses but it is not vindictiveness or hatred nor an act of agression if someone calls one of your assumtions into question. Defend it (without using circular logic please) or simply refrain form further comment if the simple act of people disagreeing with you is so unpalpatable.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I DID NOT post about people being friends first, then mates or anything of the sort.

Yall are obviously reading what you want to see, not what is actually posted.

Have a good nite and be blessed.

Thanks for the intermission. At this point it is evident that this thread is going nowhere but in the direction of the new Pandora's Boxes that you keep opening.

 

[Tink]

I'm very sorry i even posted here to begin with now.

Me too, sister friend.

 

[Dragoon]

What's funny is that the topic was going well UNTIL BeautyForAshes started bashing those that she claimed were bashing the topic creator. Oh, the irony.

 

[Tangi]

OK I am the original Poster, I didnt knew the Post was gonna get here and turn this sour.

I know for me it might be a dificult to say what I am saying right nau, than in the next 10 years. But I still think desperation is not a thing one would go by. not all of us well.

"Love? I love myself And more importantly I love the Lord He told me that when I delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart
Security? I have everything I need according to His riches in glory."

It's good that we have something to ponde on, But If do own things according to our will, and forgetting that God is God, I am sorry we will end up going into relationships looking for happiness when we dont have peace with ourselves, we will go out of Church to find husbands which is not God's will and we will be hurt more emotionally.

And I know when You are desperate you will fall for everything that crosses your heart just to please people around you or just getting the wrong person. It doesnt matter how many examples of successful or unsuccessful mariedges(sp) we give, God deals with each individual differently.

And one thing is for sure Seek ye the Kingdom of God,(thats if you are Christian) and Everything else he will grant

 

[RED that's ME]

Tangi, I agree with you that we don't *need* someone to make us complete. I have an older aunt who has no desire to ever be married and she stays busy working & helps mucho at her church that a married person couldn't donate the time to. She enjoys her life and being able to come and go as she pleases. I say, *kudos* to ones like that and can withstand what others might say and do to hurt people who choose to remain single.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

What's funny is that the topic was going well UNTIL BeautyForAshes started bashing those that she claimed were bashing the topic creator. Oh, the irony.

No such thing happened, but but thanks for trying to instigate things further. Let's try to keep the thread back to the OP's intention so please send your flames (and anyone else's for that matter) to me via PM.

Gracias...

 

[Deliberatetourist]

No such thing happened, but but thanks for trying to instigate things further. Let's try to keep the thread back to the OP's intention so please send your flames (and anyone else's for that matter) to me via PM.

Gracias...

Not trying to instigate things further myself but what exactly was the OP's original intent? Seems to me it was just to broadcast how much she was single and lovin it to the rest of us. Her point?

Tangi, I agree with you that we don't *need* someone to make us complete. I have an older aunt who has no desire to ever be married and she stays busy working & helps mucho at her church that a married person couldn't donate the time to. She enjoys her life and being able to come and go as she pleases. I say, *kudos* to ones like that and can withstand what others might say and do to hurt people who choose to remain single.

Great so your aunt CHOOSES to be in her single life. You wont find me or anyone else I know taking shots at her. If she is happy with that then let it be I say. But you will find countless people taking shots at those of us who DON'T want to live that way and especially when we have anything to say about it. Seems like anytime we speak up al we get is "Oh you just aren't trusting in God enough, you aren't living as a good enough Christian", blah, blah, blah... So you don't need anyone to make you complete? Fine. Thats you and at your age I can understand that. And also admittedly on another thread you spoke having your parents' security blanket as you still live with them. I remember my worldview was substantially different when mom and pop were taking care of things and paying all the bills. Fact is I and many others have been where you are but you haven't been where many of us currently are. Your advice is well noted but...save it.

OK I am the original Poster, I didnt knew the Post was gonna get here and turn this sour.

I know for me it might be a dificult to say what I am saying right nau, than in the next 10 years. But I still think desperation is not a thing one would go by. not all of us well.

"Love? I love myself And more importantly I love the Lord He told me that when I delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart
Security? I have everything I need according to His riches in glory."

It's good that we have something to ponde on, But If do own things according to our will, and forgetting that God is God, I am sorry we will end up going into relationships looking for happiness when we dont have peace with ourselves, we will go out of Church to find husbands which is not God's will and we will be hurt more emotionally.

And I know when You are desperate you will fall for everything that crosses your heart just to please people around you or just getting the wrong person. It doesnt matter how many examples of successful or unsuccessful mariedges(sp) we give, God deals with each individual differently.

And one thing is for sure Seek ye the Kingdom of God,(thats if you are Christian) and Everything else he will grant

Let me shed some light on the responses you are getting on this thread. There are two camps of people out there. Those who are happy being single and those who are not. Red's aunt was an example of the former. Most of us are examples of the latter. We go to churches that are family oriented and we spend the holidays alone. We try as best we can to get by in life and then someone comes along with Pom Poms shaking full force and tries to tell us we haven't got it so bad. On the surface your outlook is commendable but also representative of someone in their early 20's who has most of the best years of their lives ahead of them. You haven't had the experience of a man who watched his companion of 20 years deteriorate losing a 2 year long battle with cancer to be left alone as a middle aged widower. Likewise you haven't the experience of a mother of 3 who one day having learned of her husband's closet affair with another man is suddenly left to fend for herself and her 3 children. These examples represent many of the situations that some of us HAVE had to deal with. So can you see when someone comes along shouting their victories and eschewing the nobility of singleness from the rooftops that it could get a little annoying. And all usually takes on a condecending tone after a while. The last thing any of us need to feel in our situations is guilt. And singleness means different things to different people. For one person it might simply mean the downtime spent between relationships. To another it could mean the vast wasteland of zero opportunity that they live with on a daily basis. You speak of desperation but have you ever really experienced any? I am in my late 30's. I was married for 8 years and now I am divorced and single. People my age aren't equipped to be courting in biologically, emotionally, or spiritual senses, but if we want any satisfaction in that area of our lives we must. You are early 20's and your pool of available matches is probably near the upper 90th percentile. Ours is near rock bottom and whats often available we don't want. Beauty for Ashes posed the question (rather assumption) that I viewed myself as "less of a person" without a mate. That isn't true. Is my life less admirable and enjoyable without one? Most certainly. I know that from experience. My single walk can be summed up by and anolgy from science and engineering and common batteries. Like the common battery, my single existence has been tweaked, repackaged, and re-engineered all it can be. At this point I am not getting any more out of it than it naturally has. Time to move up to cold fusion technology if I wan't a better power source. I have reached the peak in my single experience. It can get no better, but it most certainly can get worse. I come home to an empty house everyday that is a mirror image of how I left it. There are the clothes that lay where I placed them and various cullinary creations that I made for my weeks menu. There is no love there. Its just a hollow shell where I lay my head every night and go to sleep by myself. We worship the same God. But I cannot pick up the phone and hear God's audible vioce on the other end answering my questions and concerns. When I pray I have faith that God hears me but for all practical purposes it's a one sided converstaion. I live this life but I don't like it. Thats why I am taking steps to change it. I hope this sheds some light on the situation. I am anything but desperate. I have options but many people who contribute to this forum feel they do not. Oftentimes it seems like God doesn't hear them or care. So maybe you can see how some people can come off as a bit defensive considering the subject matter.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Not trying to instigate things further myself but what exactly was the OP's original intent? Seems to me it was just to broadcast how much she was single and lovin it to the rest of us. Her point?

She has the same "point" as other posters do who start threads where they are "venting" about the troubles and woes of being single. Are the people who start these threads broadcasting how much they are single and hating it to everyone else? and their point?

Just as sometimes posters start "venting threads" to garner support and to let others know that they are not alone in their situation, the same goes for threads like this. I think everyone who has been on the SF knows that there are two types of groups here - content and non-content singles. And since we all adults, common sense should tell us that not every thread about being content as a single person is a "slap in the face" to those that either are not (and vice versa) . The OP was trying to be encouraging (which last time I checked, was the point of this forum).

I'm just noticing the trend on here that threads like this are always turning out this way.

And one thing is for sure Seek ye the Kingdom of God,(thats if you are Christian) and Everything else he will grant

The foundation of everything we do, want or desire. The bible says that if you want wisdom all we have to do is ask and God gives it freely (book of James).

Could the issue be that we sometimes do not consult God in those areas that are important to us (in this situation - a marriage) because we don't believe He can take care of it, but then blame Him when things don't turn out like we plan?

 

[RED that's ME]

Not trying to instigate things further myself but what exactly was the OP's original intent? Seems to me it was just to broadcast how much she was single and lovin it to the rest of us. Her point?

And what's wrong with that? Why do you need to be negative and why can't you just say, *I'm glad being single is working out for you.* Life brings us different things whether we like it or not or accept it or not. Paul in the Bible said, that being single is better to serve God than being married. Marriage is not for everyone.

Great so your aunt CHOOSES to be in her single life. You wont find me or anyone else I know taking shots at her. If she is happy with that then let it be I say. But you will find countless people taking shots at those of us who DON'T want to live that way and especially when we have anything to say about it. Seems like anytime we speak up al we get is "Oh you just aren't trusting in God enough, you aren't living as a good enough Christian", blah, blah, blah... So you don't need anyone to make you complete? Fine. Thats you and at your age I can understand that. And also admittedly on another thread you spoke having your parents' security blanket as you still live with them. I remember my worldview was substantially different when mom and pop were taking care of things and paying all the bills. Fact is I and many others have been where you are but you haven't been where many of us currently are. Your advice is well noted but...save it.

You're reading too much into people's post here. I don't know if you realize how rude, you're coming across to others. Just because I said I'm living with my parents doesn't mean I'm not responsible and you're again reading into the situation. Do you KNOW for sure I don't take care of my bills and help my parents out financially? Making assumptions doesn't always work.

Let me shed some light on the responses you are getting on this thread. There are two camps of people out there. Those who are happy being single and those who are not. Red's aunt was an example of the former. Most of us are examples of the latter. We go to churches that are family oriented and we spend the holidays alone. We try as best we can to get by in life and then someone comes along with Pom Poms shaking full force and tries to tell us we haven't got it so bad. On the surface your outlook is commendable but also representative of someone in their early 20's who has most of the best years of their lives ahead of them. You haven't had the experience of a man who watched his companion of 20 years deteriorate losing a 2 year long battle with cancer to be left alone as a middle aged widower. Likewise you haven't the experience of a mother of 3 who one day having learned of her husband's closet affair with another man is suddenly left to fend for herself and her 3 children. These examples represent many of the situations that some of us HAVE had to deal with. So can you see when someone comes along shouting their victories and eschewing the nobility of singleness from the rooftops that it could get a little annoying. And all usually takes on a condecending tone after a while. The last thing any of us need to feel in our situations is guilt. And singleness means different things to different people. For one person it might simply mean the downtime spent between relationships. To another it could mean the vast wasteland of zero opportunity that they live with on a daily basis. You speak of desperation but have you ever really experienced any? I am in my late 30's. I was married for 8 years and now I am divorced and single. People my age aren't equipped to be courting in biologically, emotionally, or spiritual senses, but if we want any satisfaction in that area of our lives we must. You are early 20's and your pool of available matches is probably near the upper 90th percentile. Ours is near rock bottom and whats often available we don't want. Beauty for Ashes posed the question (rather assumption) that I viewed myself as "less of a person" without a mate. That isn't true. Is my life less admirable and enjoyable without one? Most certainly. I know that from experience. My single walk can be summed up by and anolgy from science and engineering and common batteries. Like the common battery, my single existence has been tweaked, repackaged, and re-engineered all it can be. At this point I am not getting any more out of it than it naturally has. Time to move up to cold fusion technology if I wan't a better power source. I have reached the peak in my single experience. It can get no better, but it most certainly can get worse. I come home to an empty house everyday that is a mirror image of how I left it. There are the clothes that lay where I placed them and various cullinary creations that I made for my weeks menu. There is no love there. Its just a hollow shell where I lay my head every night and go to sleep by myself. We worship the same God. But I cannot pick up the phone and hear God's audible vioce on the other end answering my questions and concerns. When I pray I have faith that God hears me but for all practical purposes it's a one sided converstaion. I live this life but I don't like it. Thats why I am taking steps to change it. I hope this sheds some light on the situation. I am anything but desperate. I have options but many people who contribute to this forum feel they do not. Oftentimes it seems like God doesn't hear them or care. So maybe you can see how some people can come off as a bit defensive considering the subject matter.

I'm really sorry that you don't have the happiness you want or need really. I don't know you personally and don't know all you've been through. The same you don't know me or what I've been through personally or how I choose to respond to life situations. God does and he does care whether you accept it or not.

Just because a person hasn't personally experience something doesn't mean they're stupid and don't know how to relate. We choose how to act and react to life situations. You can let life situations make you bitter or better & I choose the latter. I'm prolly a lot younger than you by what you have said, but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced bad situations in my life. I choose not to live in the negative cause it's not healthy for me or for anyone around me.

God does hear our prayers and sometimes people get things turned around thinking God owes us happiness or a spouse/family, when he doesn't. Our purpose for being created was for God pleasure and not the other way around. When a person accepts that, it makes it easier.

I don't know if you've been through any christian counseling but I really encourage you to do it for your own emotional & mental well being. Good or bad, when most people see a negative person, they don't always stick around to help them but run away from them. If you want people in your life, you first will have to choose to be more positive and more friendly instead of repelling others.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I'm really sorry that you don't have the happiness you want or need really. I don't know you personally and don't know all you've been through. The same you don't know me or what I've been through personally or how I choose to respond to life situations. God does and he does care whether you accept it or not.

Just because a person hasn't personally experience something doesn't mean they're stupid and don't know how to relate. We choose how to act and react to life situations. You can let life situations make you bitter or better & I choose the latter. I'm prolly a lot younger than you by what you have said, but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced bad situations in my life. I choose not to live in the negative cause it's not healthy for me or for anyone around me.

God does hear our prayers and sometimes people get things turned around thinking God owes us happiness or a spouse/family, when he doesn't. Our purpose for being created was for God pleasure and not the other way around. When a person accepts that, it makes it easier.

I don't know if you've been through any christian counseling but I really encourage you to do it for your own emotional & mental well being. Good or bad, when most people see a negative person, they don't always stick around to help them but run away from them. If you want people in your life, you first will have to choose to be more positive and more friendly instead of repelling others.

And you are reading too much into my post. I am not a misserable wretch who constantly repels people. I have an active social life with all kinds of options. I have lots of friends to fill up my time with but regardless, at the end of the day I go home to an empty house. Thats about to change. Of course I live in South Korea. Back when I lived in the States it was a different story. I truly was misserable there. My beef isn't with God, it's with our materialistic culture which demands more and more from people all the time. I ma NOT on here trying to gain sympathy for myself, I don't need it. But I do have sympathy for all the others back home who have to put up with all the crap on a day to day basis. From my standpoint, a person in their 30's has pretty much had it. There is no opportunity for them. The following represents my views and observations and is not to be a summaritive evaluation of the views of anyone but myself as different people will view the world differently. What I found in American churches (and that is where we are dupposed to be looking for mates) is that most of the people are more concerned with their standards of living and how many cool toys they can get rather than actually serving the Lord. Thats all fine and dandy for them so long as their personal equity is riding high. For a person in their 30's the dating pool has been picked clean. Whats left for people our age is a hodge podge of people who are predonimately single for a reason - namely no one is interested in them. They are either divorcees packing loads of emotional baggage or people who can't quit stuffing their faces with Mcdonalds hamburgers and are experiencing myraid health problems because they are way overweight and sick all the time. Many women have at least 3 kids and many all with different fathers who have somehow managed to get out of paying child support for the last 10 years. This is what we have to deal with at our ages. I don't have to deal with it now but I understand the people who do. Christian counseling? Geeeez. Sorry but in Korea there just aren't a lot of Christian counselors available who would speak my language or be able to relate. Come to think of it there's not a lot of Christian counselors back home who could relate either cause they have bought into our sham culture that is spiraling downward at ever increasing rates. As I said, this isn't my problem. But I have empathy for people who do have to live in it. People aren't meant to be courting in their 30's. So modern femenism along with economic motivators have tricked people into putting off marriage. That doesn't change the fact that a woman's reproductive system generally starts tanking at about the mean age of 25 and estrogen production falls flat in her 30's as well as men's testosterone levels going dowwn the toilet. But no the hacked up jacked up world creates this mess for all of us so now we are having to act like a bunch of post teens screwing around with all the relationship politics when we should be movng into new phases in our lives. An then we have someone who can't even begin to relate to us that says "h cheer up it isn't so bad. You just need to be more positive!" There's nothing positive about it. I hate Korean Kimchi. To me it tastes like garbage. No matter how much I try to force myself to eat and regardless of how I can tell myself that it's good...it simply isn't. The single situation for me and many others is not a good life. I liked being married way better and no amount of funky theology crammed down my throat is gonnna change that.

 

[JPPT1974]

I love being single and that I
Really love my independence
As God wants me as well to look
To do other things like help out in the church
Play with my nephews and nieces
Just you know, I am carefree and love the
Single life a lot. Everybody has opinions!

 

[Tangi]

Deliberatetourist, I am sorry to say this, but It seems you are calling Us to join you in your 'woe me' stuff.

You want us to feel the same as you about being single. I posted this post to express MY feeling of being single and not necessarily yours or anybody else.

I am sorry I cant cry, weep and feel like nothing to my singleness like you. I chose not to.

Just because I have never been married and divorced and come home everyday from work and have no peace with me, doesnt mean that I havent tasted the bitterness of life, Just because I dont work around with a self-pity face, doesnt mean Im not going through things, just because I dont tell everyone about my problems doesnt necessarily means , I dont have some, I have felt down in the dumps but I dont cry up to people, I have Daddy (God) who listens and knows better than everyone else.

So I understand that you and some other folks may not feel right about their singleness, BUT that doesnt mean that those who feel great about it, shouldnt say it or post it.

I dont know how it feels to be like you but You cannot make us do what you say. We love it. vbmenu_register("postmenu_29150839", true);

 

[Tangi]

It is so true, some times we rush God, we are so impatient. You pray 2 weeks for a husband and you expect to see Him, in the 3rd Sunday, I can say "fool" like my Pastor always says, You can't order God! He is God, not you!

And Beautyfor Ashes, I agree 100% there, sometimes we pray in unbelief and yet expect God to act. Who is He, to take up your mockery?

 

[Dragoon]

]No such thing happened, but but thanks for trying to instigate things further.

Listen, I can read. You were bashing those who you claimed to be bashing the topic creator. And it was after that when the topic went to hell. So yes, it was very ironic and very funny. And no, I wasn't instigating anything. I was just pointing out the obvious. But thanks anyway, mom.

Let's try to keep the thread back to the OP's intention so please send your flames (and anyone else's for that matter) to me via PM.

Gracias...

Pm...or..."let's take this outside!"

I'm joking! I really don't care for arguing over such silly things. Friends?