No harm done, i'm simply trying to ring you back in, rally you a bit. What you're dealing in CAN become very serious, although currently it seems quite like it hasn't. It's obvious to me that you are trying. This is terribly important. What you're experiencing more or less, however, is yourself holding yourself back. Because you EXPECT something, you are making it happen. I can see that immediately from the title of your post, and what you just explained to me. You EXPECT people to judge you, therefore causing people to judge you. You EXPECT people to dislike you because of the friends you hang out with and the things you do, and therefore, seemingly, they do. This isn't the case! You project your feelings into situations, and often, without knowing it, make the situation uneasy for others who tend to then treat you poorly or ignore you or whatnot. You feel as though they know who you hang out with, the activities you are pursuing, etc. You know that you're holding yourself back. You're thinking about it all wrong. Don't think because you have certain friends that you can't change friends and get new ones. How close are you to graduating? Do you have programs at your college to go abroad, spend a semester at a satellite campus, or something like that? This can be very helpful as a change in environment can allow us to change our activities. This can also allow us to gain new friends. The trouble here then however, is keeping these new activities and friends when we return to the old place. This is difficult but can be done. If you have no other place to spend a semester at, that isn't saying it's not possible to change yourself, it is simply another possiblity (studying somewhere else I mean, merely an idea, by no means a requirement).
So you feel stuck, alright...hmm...are you going to church? Whether you are or not, make sure that you are going to a church that isn't going to say "you smoke pot? GET OUT" upon receiving that sort of news. Those aren't the kind of christians you need to be hanging out with, those are high and mighty puff balls who think God's going to let them in first (won't they be surprised when you walk in ahead of them, ha!). Anyway, church is terribly important. You need to be getting yourself around christians on a weekly basis. Even better, start going to a bible study, prayer group, etc...(both is great, yes). Ease in slowly, don't just throw yourself in. Start going to church, get to know some people, find out about their bible studies, groups, theology, etc and then pick some group or study to begin attending. Don't just go once and blow it off...try it out for a couple months, see how it goes. if you like the way things go, stick with it, if not, try another aspect, if the church just doesn't flow, find another. What really matters is finding people you can relate to who can also help lift you up and away from your earthly desires and stuckness.
The more time you spend with christian friends, the less time you will have for your pot smoking, drinking friends. This will begin to happen naturally as you move towards new friends. It has to be conscious although it doesn't have to hurt too much. And one last thing...don't be trying to get clean, get christian friends, and a girl friend all at once...try just getting on solid ground and out of the drug and drinking habit first...otherwise, you could end up dragging down the girl. Just a suggestion, unless you think you could deal okay...usually, we can't deal as well as we think we can. most people surprisingly don't know themselves all too well, even though they could swear up and down the US coast that they do.
