Those who enjoy being single

[hiplove79]

Okay a have a question for all you who love being single. It doesn't matter if your male or female.

How do you deal with the people who want to date you? I have a very common problem with the opposite sex. I'm all about having friends, but it always seems as though they want more. I am honest with them from the get go and tell them that my focus is on the Lord. But for some reason they don't understand that. The moment I notice that they are starting to get feelings, I pull back. It makes me feel bad, because I don't like doing that to anyone, and they always end up hurt and confused. And what's so sad about it is most Christian men want to get married like right this instant. Do not say the M word to me, lol. I had a friend tell me that the very first time I spoke to him, he says, "Now I'm going to be honest with you, I want a family, and I want to get married." And I said, "Well I'm going to be honest with you, I just wanted friends, and don't seek to get married." I mean how do you tell that to someone you just meet?

But it's not like I didn't warn them first about me wanting to stay single. I don't hate men and I'm not anti-relationship. It's just right now in my life, I have so many issues and things that I'm dealing w/ it would not be fair to anyone who wanted to be with me. I seriously need to focus on the Lord. And plus I really do love just being single.I often joke w/ my friends and say God could drop the perfect man in my lap and annouce, "Behold here is your husband", I would just push him off my lap, lol.

So... my question is how do you all deal with it? And how can one minmize hurting someone's feelings.

 

[Jenster]

It's perfectly okay to sit out the dating scene for awhile, as obviously you feel it's the right thing for you. You remind me of a guy friend who did that too.

I think you can only do what you can do. How the person reacts to that is out of your control. If you've been upfront, and emphasized that you're not dating right now, and that there's nothing wrong with him, that you think he's a great guy, then you've done your bit.

Some people are able to be friends with a person they like, if you give them time to adjust their thinking. But many won't bother with being friends, since they're just interested in one thing: a romantic relationship.

BTW, if I were you and God dropped my husband in my lap, I'd stay friends with him until I was ready to date. The right guy will wait for you.

 

[Irascible]

How the person reacts to that is out of your control.

That's very true. But there is another side to it. There's a very rational school of thought that says a married woman should not have any real close male friends. It leads to conflicting emotions. You could even argue that such relationships are ill advised for single women unless they're dating to get married. I don't rigidly hold to that. But there is logic to it.

You might be, hiplove, such a hot tamale that after knowing you for just a short time men can't help themselves. I'm not being fecetious. There are ladies like that out there. But if that's not the case then perhaps you should do more to keep them at arm's length. The great friendships that I can think of in the Bible (Jonathan and David, Ruth and Naomi, etc.) are same sex. I don't see (though I could be wrong) much precedent for great male/female relationships outside of marriage. That's not because they can't exist. They certainly do. But it's because they lead to exactly these kinds of problems.

But as I've implied, I don't know your situation so this is largely speculative. If I'm off base then ignore my finger wagging.

...if ...God dropped my husband in my lap, I'd stay friends with him until I was ready to date. The right guy will wait for you.

Amen to that sister! If God drops me in my future wife's lap, I'd be more than happy to wait there and be her friend.

 

[Johnnz]

Seems you are doing OK. You are up front early on. Guys can take it or leave it. Someone who really loves you will allow you time - love patient wrote Paul.

John
NZ

 

[hiplove79]

You both make very good points. It just kinda saddens me because I really do enjoy the company with men as friends. I would like to be looked at more than just a potential mate or some romantic conquest. I mean this is the equivalent of non-christian men treating me like a piece of meat. I have lost some good Christian male friends b/c of this problem. It just makes me kinda sad, ya know? Like sure I'll talk to you only if you date me. Sorry, but that doesn't make me feel to good about myself.

Friends mean way much more to me than some relationship. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure if I would ever be ready to be in a relationship, I have wondered before if I am called to be single. The thought of me being old and alone, just doesn't bother me.

Lol, Irascible I don't know if I would call myself a hot tamale. I'm not arrogant. But if you ask if I thought I was attractive I would say yes. But it's not just about looks. I love telling people jokes and making people laugh. I try to be friendly and respectfully, and I always compliment people. I never recieved compliments growing up and I realize how important it is to make people feel good. Bottom line I try to be a good person, though I'm not perfect and have my moments. I guess I need to draw a line and not be so friendly towards men, but I don't want to be some ice queen either.

And c'mon I know there has to be other people dealing with the same problem as me. Where are you all at? Speak now, so I know I'm not crazy and the only who feels this way. Help a sister out, lol.

 

[hiplove79]

Oh and thank you Johnnz, didn't see you up there, lol. Yes I let people know early on, I don't want to lead anyone on or be accused of doing so. I hadn't always did so in the past and it lead to problems. You live and you learn.

 

[TriptychR]

And c'mon I know there has to be other people dealing with the same problem as me. Where are you all at? Speak now, so I know I'm not crazy and the only who feels this way. Help a sister out, lol.

Conidering that the majority of people on this board would probably kill to have someone fall in their lap at all, I'm not sure you're going to find anyone with a similar problem.

Not that I mean to downplay it; it's a real problem to you. Unfortunately, a lot of Christian men (and women, too) would like to get married very soon. I'm from the school of "getting to know someone first," but they don't want to play games and it might be difficult for them to understand why another Christian would want to continue waiting. Do you tell them why you want to wait to get married in general? If you only say something like, "Well I'm going to be honest with you, I just wanted friends, and don't seek to get married." it will likely be heard as, "I just wanted to be friends with you. I don't seek to get married to you." That might be why you don't see them around much afterward.

 

[2scoops]

You sound a lot like me hiplove. There is no need for you to feel guilty. You are honest with these guys and you enjoy being sngle. Not eveyone has to be in a relationship. We have to learn to be happy in the state we are in. I know I don't need a relationship to be happy, but at the same time if someone comes along I'm not necessarily going to turn them down.

 

[hiplove79]

TriptychR- I see what your saying about most Christians want to get married, and that's a beautiful thing. It's just not for me. I accept people for what they are. That is one reason why I feel it's important to let them know upfront. They wanted something I can not give them, and I don't want to stand in the way of them finding that perfect person God has for them. And was I told them why I don't want to get married or have a relationship, most people are confused when they hear a Christian women say that, lol. I just tell them that God is number one in my life and I enjoy being single. I don't get into all the spefics, b/c frankly it's none of their business. It's my choice and they should respect that. I can respect and understand why they would want a relationship. And I don't ask them why they want an relationship and why they seek to get married. Respect is a two way street. And like I said with me, I don't want to get married. I'm not waiting to get married. There are good things about marriage, but the type of person that I am I would do better in life being single. We are all different, different strokes for different folks. The only way I see myself changing, is that God would have to do an 180 in my life. I'm sorry if this came off rude, I'm not trying to be. It's just really frustrating, we live in a couple's society, and it's hard for people to understand someone who wants to be single. I have been called a man-hater, lesbian, and other things b/c of it. People always think there is something wrong with me, and yes while I may have my issues like everyone else, my issues have nothing to do with to date or not to date. Anyway thanks for your post, and I apologize if I come of rude.

2scoops- Thank you, you are my new best friend, lol. Finally someone who gets it. I believe part of the reason why I enjoy singlehood, is while yes I love having friends, I also am a somewhat of a loner. There are times when I will drop off the face of the earth for a couple of weeks. I'm all about me time, and I require me time. Most of my friends understand this. I could be out and choose just to be by myself. I'm the kinda chick who goes to dinner by herself, goes to movies by herself, even travels by herself. I don't always go by myself, but I do alot. I don't feel lonely or like I'm missing out. And when I do feel lonely have my friends to lean on, that's what they are their for. I actually like myself and enjoy my company, I have many things to do to keep myself busy. I just don't have the need to be in a relationship and don't see the point of having one in my life. I have been in relationships before and have been in love once, and frankly out of the best times in those relationships, I still enjoy being single more.

Okay peeps, I just need one more person who deals with this same issue, and I will be happy. I'll hang this thing up. Some c'mon I know your out there, don't be shy, lol.

 

[OhhJim]

And c'mon I know there has to be other people dealing with the same problem as me. Where are you all at? Speak now, so I know I'm not crazy and the only who feels this way. Help a sister out, lol.

Got any pictures of yourself?

It's like anything else, you'll get better with practice. Sometimes you have to be firm, sometimes you have to be really firm.

 

[2scoops]

Hiplove, we do differ in that you will go to a movie by yourself. I haven't done that yet, I do like to hang out with friends. I've never really had a girlfriend that we were like best friends, the attraction was there, but not a close friendship along with it. But biblically, if you want to get married, fine, if you want to be single, fine, we have the choice and there is no right or wrong answer. I may get married someday, but there is no rush. You never know you who may fall in love with and you never know when. But I will continue to enjoy what God has given thus far and I do not know what the future holds.

 

[jill45]

Got any pictures of yourself?

Are you kidding? This is not a dating site, she wants to be single, and your how old? I hope that was a joke.

And hiplove, you just keep sticking up for yourself, your doing the right thing.

Blessings

 

[soonerteach]

Friends mean way much more to me than some relationship. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure if I would ever be ready to be in a relationship, I have wondered before if I am called to be single. The thought of me being old and alone, just doesn't bother me.



And c'mon I know there has to be other people dealing with the same problem as me. Where are you all at? Speak now, so I know I'm not crazy and the only who feels this way. Help a sister out, lol.

You are not the only one out here who would be perfectly happy being single the rest of their lives. When people ask me if I would ever want to remarry. My kneejerk reaction is "no thanks, 7 years was long enough" However, the more honest answer is that I would concider it only IF God would drop the right guy in my lap because I obviously can't pick them myself

I understand your problem. I like to go on dates as long as it doesn't lead to anything serious. I am usually backing out the door at the first sign of interest other than enjoying each others company. Handling hurt feelings. This is where my career helps me. I usually am more open to dating as the school year ends and over the summer. As school starts back up my time gets severely limited with setting up my classroom, getting my son ready for the school year, seminars, etc. It is usually a great excuse to end it with no hurt feelings.

 

[soonerteach]

You are not the only one out here who would be perfectly happy being single the rest of their lives. When people ask me if I would ever want to remarry. My kneejerk reaction is "no thanks, 7 years was long enough" However, the more honest answer is that I would concider it only IF God would drop the right guy in my lap because I obviously can't pick them myself

I understand your problem. I like to go on dates as long as it doesn't lead to anything serious. I am usually backing out the door at the first sign of interest other than enjoying each others company. Handling hurt feelings. This is where my career helps me. I usually am more open to dating as the school year ends and over the summer. As school starts back up my time gets severely limited with setting up my classroom, getting my son ready for the school year, seminars, etc. It is usually a great excuse to end it with no hurt feelings.

Forgive the spelling, next time I will check it before sending it. Don't worry, America's children are safe. I am a Math teacher, not an English teacher!

 

[GustheMule]

I knew a girl just like you (as described in the post. I'm sure your very different people) and she did the exact same thing. Actually we're still cool because I never told her how I felt, but she just had "it." Beauty, charisma and warmth all rolled into one. If you're anything like that girl, you'll need to go to a monastery because your just not gonna be able to help it. The thing about this girl is that she was all abotu being friends with lots of guys. She wanted to hang out and talk with them one on one but she was just like you.

So my solution would be this: if you "are' who I think you "are." Be close friends with people who won't want to date you --which is about 90 percent of the Christian population: children, women, and more mature adult men who are already married and strong in the Lord (although I don't thik one on one time with them would be that great of an idea.) That's my advice. Take it if you like.

 

[GustheMule]

One more note: Not all of us are like this but I sure am (to my shame.) I can be friends with girls at a distance but having a girl for a close friend just doen't realy work. And maybe the reason that your so good at making good friends with guys --and I hate to indict my whole sex (maybe this is just projection)-- is because they are attracted to you to begin with. And although this isn't always true I find that I have alot more in common --sports, movies, takes on life-- with guys than girls. Yes, there's a certain chemistry in conversation that opposites have, but hat almost always leads to attraction.

Finally, could it be that you kind of enjoy having friends --even though they are just friends-- that you are at least slightly attracted to. Doesn't taht add to the allure of the "friendship." All I'm saying is, you might be bringing a little of it on yourself. I mean there are plenty of women who are only close friends with other women.

 

[_becca]

[FONT=&quot]I know I'm the little kid here but I totally feel that way right now at where I'm at with God.

I like to be with myself, I used to have a hard time dealing with who I was and now that I knnnow God loves and cares about me and desires me He brings me to a place of loving myself and caring about myself and I like to just be with him and go places with him and just be alone anywhere... I'm not really alone because God is here with me but you know haha

Between being with people and being by myself, I would rather spend the time with myself.

I like both ways though and I have awesome friends who I love tons and tons.

but anyways I don't date because I'm not ready too and God fills ache inside to be known and also every guy I ever think is amazing is like 20-24.... I figure if I never date anyone I'll be pretty good off.. I know God has the best for me and if I never get married that's awesome because HE KNEW that was the very best thing for me.
[/FONT]

 

[hiplove79]

Wow you guys are fabulous, got lotta awesome respones here. Okay you must be patience with me I'm still new and have not figured out to do multiple quotes in a reply. So I will hit you all one at a time.

2scoops- Amen Brother, the words you speak are very true.We don't know what the future holds. For all I know is God could do a 180 in my life and one day I could be married. But for right now I don't see it and I am enjoying all that God has given me. I think that we should all strive to live in God's will and live to our fullest potential in Him.

Jill45-Rofl, thank you. I saw that and wasn't quite sure if I was going to response or just ingore it. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was probably joking. And thank for your encouragment.

soonerteach- SOONER!!! Would that be as in the Oklahoma Sooners? Boomer Sooner!!! LOL, okay now down to business. You now officially in my best friend club as well. You so totally get it. You know I used that busy excuse more than once. Especially when I was going to school full time and working full time. You know it was so easy. It's like,"Well let's see I go to school Mon-Thur 9am-1pm and I go to work Sun-Wed 3pm-11pm, sorry I just don't have any time to date." You know saying that your too busy sounds a lot nicer than saying, "I don't want to date anyone." It's doesn't come off sounding personal, ya know? And please do not worry about the spelling, I'm a paralegal and let's just say that spelling isn't my fortay. And hey at least you know math, that is one subject that I hated and it frustrated me to no end.

GustheMule- You know out of all this wonderful replies, yours is the one that I may have to consider the most. The problem is, is that it is a problem, that make sense? It's bad for both parties me and the guy. Maybe it's something I need to change. The thing is I have a lot of my mom's personality. Throughout HS she had maybe two close female friends and the rest were guys. And alot of them wanted to date her. She just one of those cool people that everyone likes. She did though end up married to my dad, RIP. And it's funny you said the monastry. When I broke up w/ my ex we were still friends for a very long time. And he could not understand that I had no desire to date anyone. And he had made a comment about maybe I should become a nun, lol. Sorry, that's not a option, but it was always a joke between us. As far as being friends with an mature married man, that's a no-no and a recipe for disaster, I would rather be friends with the wife. And the chemsitry thing, ya know, there really is no way around it. Either there is chemistry or not. Sure I have male friends who I think are hot, and maybe without my realize it I'm giving off non-verbal clues. But just b/c I find someone attractive doesn't mean I'm attracted to them. And it still doesn't change my mind about dating. But I understand how that could cause confusion. But alas, what is one to do,*sigh*. I'm probably going to have to limit my contact with males, I don't like it. I love men, there is no drama and their all about having fun, plus they give good advice. And what's funny is all my close female friends are like me always got along with males more as well.

becca- Hey my little sister in Christ! You know for 16 you really have a good head on your shoulders. It takes maturity to realize one is not ready to date. I wish I was that smart at 16, lol. You are doing very good, keep your eyes on the Lord he'll never led you astray.

God Bless You All, You Guys Rock!!!

 

[intricatic]

I've never really had that problem. I'm content to be by myself, and it seems women like to be persued; if I'm not persuing them, I generally have little to worry about.

Although there is the occasional fluke, but heh... we'll pretend that never happens.

 

[ChrisCountryGirl]

I enjoy being single & for me, nobody has asked me out on a date yet. I also have no intentions of entering the dating scene ever.