Change is hard because often its the situation that brings the worst out of people.
My situation, I was in a relationship where my partner was extremely controlling, manipulative and possessive.
I was a drunk, full of evil fantasies (e.g. party to pick up girls) and depressed.
I was the bread winner and was working full time.
Long story short, my partner started threating suicide and acting on it, which led me to physically restrain her.
This behaviour increased to the point of absolute hopelessness.
She would cut herself put knifes/scissors to her neck, broken bottles and had bags of medication she had stashed for her "suicidal" plan.
The first time we ended up in a physical alteration that involved police was when I was vacuuming the floor and she demanded I stop and listened to her, I continued to vacuum and it escalated into her grabbing scissors and cutting her self then putting them to her neck to control me.
I managed to escape (by escape I mean I was able to leave the front door without her impulsively trying to stand in the way of the door to stop me from shutting it) and called the police.
When the police arrived they saw her erratic behaviour, trying to climb the back fence to control the situation.
On that occurrence I was made a respondent because she had prior bruising from a previous altercation, but later the charge was withdrawn.
This sort of behaviour continued to escalate, and my need for distance and her need for closeness didn't help and fuelled the fire.
My partner had a life of rejection and was fixated on the hurt that others have caused her, mainly her mum.
My main issue was anger, and sexual fantasies with other people.
Did I change?
Yes,
How?
God came to me and humbled me to the point I was on my belly, and He showed me that the life I've been living had no fruit.
When God humbled me, He gave me 12 months to take care of her before she passed (which I had no idea she would)
She became very ill, with phenomena and bronchiectasis with a failing liver and kidneys from medication abuse.
Through that 12 month period the triggers (anger or abandonment) where still there and I had to war with my very being nearly every day (anger).
To reject anger, to act in love which is what I felt under all the dysfunction.
We ended up sleeping on the couch together for her final months before I just couldn't take it anymore, I was going insane and I was calling the police and ambulance services frequently because of her mental condition and the consequences.
I left her to go to my parents 4 days prior to her death after losing my Job taking too much time off to care for her 4 week prior to my departure.
During those 4 weeks I tried everything to manage the situation for us including interviews for new work, putting up all our possessions for sale so we could move to another state if need be.
But it didn't work out, and I left.
I tried to manage emergency services from my parents home, but contact went dark. I went back to the house a few days later and found her dead on the floor.
I'm willing to extrapolate more.
My partner use to chase me down the street on the way to work in her night gown out of her desperations.
Or jump on the bonnet of my car to stop me from leaving.
She use to call me over 50 times a day at work, required me to tuck her in 50 times at night, required that I say I love you 100 times a day.
If I didn't "say" the right thing in her mind, there would be a 2 hour argument about how I "don't love her" in her eyes.
The poor soul, I love her still to this day.
I witnessed something I wish I never had, a slow deterioration of suffering unto death.
I'm normally quite calm and am not easily angered, however all you need is the right personality and the right circumstance to test your very nature, and expose what you think you were never capable of.
