This is my story and I need help

[spart0n]

IF THIS ISN'T APPROPAITE or in the wrong area, please accept my apologies, I just needed to tell my story and get advice.

First things first, I'm new here, just joined because I'm struggling (have been for years) and I just want to feel better and I know God is the answer but I just don't know how to get there (not sure if that makes sense). I'm going to also apologize for my grammar, usually I catch or fix everything but today I just want to get this out.

secondly, I was raised southern Baptist (not sure if that's good or bad) but what I personally believe right now is that there is a higher power (God) that created everything but he created science to explain his creation (not explain himself).

any who, this story begins when I was little, my mothers parents lived with us my entire life until they passes away. while they were there, they helped raise me, and these great people survived the great depression, and my grandfather served in ww2. they taught me good conservative values and my parents helped. one of the things they taught me was to never hit a woman under any circumstances. and for the most part that is a great thing to instill in a young boy. when I reached 8yr old, I started training in martial arts, and did so until I was 18. though I always tried to avoid sparring with girls/women because I could never bring myself to hit them, even in training.

during my mid teen years I lost my grandparents and not long after, when I turned 16 and got my first car I started dating. there were many times that me just being my nice gentleman self and opening doors for girls, paying for them, all that chivalry stuff would get girls offering to sleep with me. being the conservative I was raised as, I always declined because I wanted to wait till I got married. then one crappy day i went on a date that seemed like any other and one thing led to another and we were making out (which wasn't usual for me) until she shoved me down in my own backseat and rode me. i said no, i didn't want to have sex that day and she knew it. i tried getting her off of me but i couldn't without hurting her (hitting/punching sort of hurt) and i just couldn't bring myself to do it. afterwards i went down a very deep dark spiral of depression and slept with anyone i could. in the course of 2 years i brought my partner count up to over 30. then i got my own place at 18 and met a woman, she was 23, we dated for almost 6 years, lived together, her mother lived with us for a while. well, that part basically they were living off me while i worked and i never kicked them out because i was lonely and liked having someone at home to keep me company. while i was with her, i still was having flings, cheating on her every now and then, bringing my total sexual partner count up over 50 (surprisingly still std free) then while searching for my next fling, i found one that was completely different. instead of sex or fling, we just talked (not for my lack of trying to get laid) so this went on for a few months and she was content being the side girl knowing what i was doing. after a while i fell for her, hard... i dumped the girl i was with, kicked her and her mom out of my place, tried to get the girl to go out with me, she at first had no feelings for me and just wanted a good time but eventually our sex and fun got her sparked for me, we have stayed together, made a commitment and now we are happily married and in a couple months will be our 1 yr anniversary.

after I fell for her and she made it clear that she fell for me, i made a choice to stop being the man i was and try to be a better person and stop my self destruction. (as a final thought, my current and final partner count is 54 including my wife and i swear it wont go any higher, its a number im so ashamed of and wish I could change)

now that my conscience is alive and well, not a day goes by when i don't think about the horrible things ive done and the people ive hurt. there are many stories i could tell of me being an butthole/liar/conman just to get laid and then drop em like a hot potato

my wife often reminds me that i am not the man i used to be, but it doesn't help, i cant get rid of this guilt and its killing me, physically and emotionally. i used to be an avid pc gamer, and big sci-fi nerd but in the past few months ive given up playing all games and barely watch any tv anymore, i just want to lay around and sleep/rest. my only reason for ever getting out of bed is doing things with my wife because my only source of happiness is seeing her happy.

i just don't know what to do anymore, i know she knows how i feel, but she doesn't know how to help me, and i try to hide how i feel because i know it bothers her that she doesn't know what to do to help

i just wish i could feel better.

I know I'm battling depression, and I don't make enough to seek qualified help.
I listen to Christian music on my Sirius radio and when I'm at work on Pandora, it makes me feel better but isn't the solution.
I know I have to give my sin to God but I honestly don't know how, everytime I pray and ask for forgiveness I just don't feel any different, I hear all these stories that you immeditaly just feel totally different and stuff but im totally lost on how to get there. I know I want forgiveness but is it really me that just feels unworthy, am I sabotaging this myself or am not doing it right?

im sorry this was a long post.

 

[jazzytorres]

God Bless you for sharing your story.. Perhaps you should pray the prayer of Deliverance from the Spirit of Jezebel and Ahab.

Now that you are married and committed to this girl who didnt use SEX to lure you -- it must be God's gift to you to get out of the rut.

I am praying that the spirit of guilt and fear be removed from your psyche once and for all so that you may enjoy your relationship with this wonderful girl forever and ever

 

[musicalpilgrim]

Welcome to the forum!

You need to find some Christians to help you make this commitment to the Lord Jesus, so that you can break with the past and learn the things of God. You need help
Read your Bible and pray every day.
John 3 16

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Kenny'sID]

God has offered us a deal, a very good deal. If we repent of our sin, he is just and faithful to forgive us of our sin, but we have to do our part. You have done the hard part, or what most would consider the hard part anyway, but tough or easy, you have to accept the rest of the deal.

Now it could be, you know all that, and my repeating it doesn't solve the problem, and you're right, it doesn't, but if that is the case, it does at least reiterate what you already know, and verify what you need to do so you can home into the target and get it done.

Also, God made the rules, and those rules include what defined what you did as sin to begin with, and if you are willing to go along with those, as you have already in admitting sin, you have to be able to take the good rules too, the ones that offered you a way out, and it's up to you if you want to do that or not. It's a process, in that God isn't going to throw the guilt at you without offering a way out, and it's a plan designed to all work together. We take out the element that you have (not letting it go) and it leaves you with what you have...an incomplete/broken process. You aren't cheating or anything, it just happens to be a good deal and many accept it, even though it might sound too easy.

All or none. And the bottom line may not be what you want to hear, but you just have to do, what you already know you have to do...period, whether it be easy or not.

That's the best I can do with something I only sort of understand so if it doesn't fit or help, that's why.

 

[Haramis]

I grew up in a doctrine focused Baptist church as well. Beating yourself up over past sins is very normal for a Southern Baptist. The central focus is a sin crusade, spiritual development tends to be an after-thought.

My opinion? Your wife is a spiritual person, and you're not. Your actions have recently changed, but it's mostly because you only sense God's presence when you're near her. That's resulting in a change, but it fades quickly because it's not an internal source.
She can help you feel God, but when you're alone, you're stuck in your head and don't know how to communicate with God. I've known other people like this. They're different people when around their spirit-filled spouse, or only when they're in church.

As a Baptist, you were probably taught that your salvation comes from your beliefs. If you think the right things - you're saved. Jesus reaches you though holding the correct set of intellectual principles. I can tell you from first hand experience, that is not how it works.

God is a Spirit and he speaks to you in spirit. You don't gain salvation from gaining knowledge or performing Earthly actions. God is constantly by your side, trying to communicate with you. Trying to offer salvation. All you have to do, is stop pushing him away. You don't have to come to God. He's already there. Stop thinking, and start listening.

I was in the church for 20 years, and I was a spiritual infant. I grew more spiritually in six months of praying with a blank mind, than I did in two decades of reading, activities, and praying in English. God doesn't speak English. It's hard to explain, but what I suggest is just going somewhere quiet, sitting in silence and try to pray, but don't think any words, or form any kind of Earthly thoughts. Just try to feel God's presence.

It will take some time, but it will get easier and easier. Eventually, I came to feel God all the time, even when I wasn't in prayer. Now I can honestly say I've turned my life over to God, because I can truly sense exactly what God wants me to do at all times. When I feel moved to do something, I just do it blindly. Sometimes it makes no sense. But I know that's the best way.

I always thought I had turned my life over to God in the past, but I really hadn't. I felt life was hard, and difficult. I felt persecuted by the world. That's because I was in my head, and trying to logically navigate as a Christian. That's brutally difficult. You can only truly follow God by walking in the spirit. And that was something I had to train myself to learn, because I'd been raised to do things in the exact opposite fashion.

 

[spart0n]

THANK YOU ALL!
thank you all so very much, I am going to try work at it.
I am also going back to church now, my wife and I are going, and she urged me to find a support group if I want.
she also found this on my desktop...I guess it's for the best to have it in the open (more so than it was) and she wants to help me find a support group.

 

[1watchman]

Just remember, SpartOn, you need the Lord Jesus in your heart, not just in your mind ---see John 14, and note such as 1 Jn.5:10-12. Read your Bible daily starting in the New Testament. One needs the Lord Jesus in their life and be devoted to Him all day for peace, salvation, eternal life, and blessings in One's walk through this world.