Dear God, it's Sebastian. You already know who I am, for it is written in your word that you made me. But since 3 years ago, I gave my whole life to you... Whole! Without reservation and to be completely honest with you, I am disappointed in you.
I thought you would do more in these 3 years... Now, as a Christian, you shouldn't be ungrateful, but I am. You see I had higher expectations of what you would do. I entered Rehab on September 25th, 2019 after living a life of addiction and darkness. The first thing I had to do was to throw my cigarettes into the firewood and hand over my smartphone.
I prayed a prayer of forgiveness together with Tomas and gave you my heart. I was taught to pray every morning, to have personal devotions alone in my room, and to join in common praise, prayer and Bible reading in the mornings. Then we had breakfast and work from 09:45 AM - 4:30 PM every day, where we had to take care of the farm we lived in. It feels a little strange to write all this that you already know about but I need to express myself.
We also had Bible teaching 3 times a week, some times we got it from a Bible teacher named Göran who also became my spiritual leader. Other times we watched sermons on the only television in the whole house and you Lord know it was only used for teaching and Christian movies.
We who lived there had a schedule to follow with times and a clear structure. We had rules and frameworks to stick to and for a whole year that was how we lived, like the monks at the monastery. The treatment is divided into 3 parts, basic treatment (then you are there on the farm for a whole year in the forest in the middle of nowhere). The second part is called transition and then you are transitioned out either to your home town and join a church there or you have to be transitioned out to "Gamleby", live in a halfway apartment, join the church "Josua congregation" which is the church that started the treatment home.
anyways, I chose to stay here and I started practicing at their restaurant and preschool. I washed and cleaned 8 hours a day and then went home to thee transition apartment and continued cleaning according to the cleaning schedule I had.
And all of this is amazing... Don't believe me wrong but you and I both know that I struggled daily to put my daughter in your hands during my basic treatment who at that time was only 3 years old. Since it was Corona, I got to see her 3 times throughout that year. I talked to her in the phone booth every day and it was a blessing to hear her beautiful voice every day but the hard part was hearing her cry after me. I felt so powerless and could do nothing but trust in Your will. I kept putting her in your hands every day, which was fine and the only choice I had as I had ruined myself back home by running up drug debts from all sorts of different people that I was never able to repay either.
Miserable and broken as I was, I even incurred a debt from one of the most dangerous gangs in Stockholm. So I saw no other way out than this which led to unreserved repentance. I thank you God for saving me and for everything you've done, but my transition out of the treatment home didn't turn out as I had imagined either. I was thinking a maximum of 6 months in the transition apartment and daily practice after coming out of the treatment home. But it was 1 year and 6 months without income apart from the 10 dollars I had to borrow a week from the treatment home. I got to live in the apartment for free and ive got food that they gave me every week, which is good and I know there are places in the world where they don't have it so well but the country I live in allows us to have a better life and I thought I would be able to support myself and then take care of my daughter.
The 3rd part of the treatment is called "aftercare" and that is where I am today.
Sunday, September 4th, 2022. Now I have received a full time service in the church and I still work at the restaurant and the preschool which is a breakthrough even though it took 100 years before it happened.
Right now as I write this I am lying in my bed in the transition apartment and have been sick since Friday and when I think about everything I have written you have taught me a lot in the new life I am now living but I had thought that things would go faster with you.
The first time after I came out of the basic treatment, I only had a push-button phone and an MP3, I didn't even have a TV in the transition apartment, which was good for me so that I had time to grow strong in You. Now I have an iPhone that I just got and I have the ability to Facetime with my daughter every day. Which was completely impossible before.
I still haven't got my own apartment so all the visits I've had have been to the treatment home until now and that's also something I wonder about... Why has it been like that? Because of that, social services did not think it was optimal for her to come to that environment.
It is in your word that your ways are higher than ours and that your thoughts are not like ours. It's really something that I've learned now, that we as Christians have to throw away our own ideas about what it will be like when we walk with You. Because it still doesn't turn out the way we planned and then we just get disappointed.
You also see that I long to get married and how long will it take before that happens? As long as i waited to get employed and to go in to my full time service, and it took much longer than I thought, should I wait for my wife? I'm already crazy with all the waiting and I'm going to have to wait even more... I hope it doesn't take much longer but you don't want to tell me anything about it so I guess I'll leave it in your hands like I did with everything else.
Well, what choice do I have? Nothing that interests me anyway because it is Your will that I dedicate my life to in all areas of my life.
I hope my testimony can be helpful to those who read it. Let your will be done God, Amen.
I leave behind my favorite verse in the bible, God bless you.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalms 34:18 NIV).
I thought you would do more in these 3 years... Now, as a Christian, you shouldn't be ungrateful, but I am. You see I had higher expectations of what you would do. I entered Rehab on September 25th, 2019 after living a life of addiction and darkness. The first thing I had to do was to throw my cigarettes into the firewood and hand over my smartphone.
I prayed a prayer of forgiveness together with Tomas and gave you my heart. I was taught to pray every morning, to have personal devotions alone in my room, and to join in common praise, prayer and Bible reading in the mornings. Then we had breakfast and work from 09:45 AM - 4:30 PM every day, where we had to take care of the farm we lived in. It feels a little strange to write all this that you already know about but I need to express myself.
We also had Bible teaching 3 times a week, some times we got it from a Bible teacher named Göran who also became my spiritual leader. Other times we watched sermons on the only television in the whole house and you Lord know it was only used for teaching and Christian movies.
We who lived there had a schedule to follow with times and a clear structure. We had rules and frameworks to stick to and for a whole year that was how we lived, like the monks at the monastery. The treatment is divided into 3 parts, basic treatment (then you are there on the farm for a whole year in the forest in the middle of nowhere). The second part is called transition and then you are transitioned out either to your home town and join a church there or you have to be transitioned out to "Gamleby", live in a halfway apartment, join the church "Josua congregation" which is the church that started the treatment home.
anyways, I chose to stay here and I started practicing at their restaurant and preschool. I washed and cleaned 8 hours a day and then went home to thee transition apartment and continued cleaning according to the cleaning schedule I had.
And all of this is amazing... Don't believe me wrong but you and I both know that I struggled daily to put my daughter in your hands during my basic treatment who at that time was only 3 years old. Since it was Corona, I got to see her 3 times throughout that year. I talked to her in the phone booth every day and it was a blessing to hear her beautiful voice every day but the hard part was hearing her cry after me. I felt so powerless and could do nothing but trust in Your will. I kept putting her in your hands every day, which was fine and the only choice I had as I had ruined myself back home by running up drug debts from all sorts of different people that I was never able to repay either.
Miserable and broken as I was, I even incurred a debt from one of the most dangerous gangs in Stockholm. So I saw no other way out than this which led to unreserved repentance. I thank you God for saving me and for everything you've done, but my transition out of the treatment home didn't turn out as I had imagined either. I was thinking a maximum of 6 months in the transition apartment and daily practice after coming out of the treatment home. But it was 1 year and 6 months without income apart from the 10 dollars I had to borrow a week from the treatment home. I got to live in the apartment for free and ive got food that they gave me every week, which is good and I know there are places in the world where they don't have it so well but the country I live in allows us to have a better life and I thought I would be able to support myself and then take care of my daughter.
The 3rd part of the treatment is called "aftercare" and that is where I am today.
Sunday, September 4th, 2022. Now I have received a full time service in the church and I still work at the restaurant and the preschool which is a breakthrough even though it took 100 years before it happened.
Right now as I write this I am lying in my bed in the transition apartment and have been sick since Friday and when I think about everything I have written you have taught me a lot in the new life I am now living but I had thought that things would go faster with you.
The first time after I came out of the basic treatment, I only had a push-button phone and an MP3, I didn't even have a TV in the transition apartment, which was good for me so that I had time to grow strong in You. Now I have an iPhone that I just got and I have the ability to Facetime with my daughter every day. Which was completely impossible before.
I still haven't got my own apartment so all the visits I've had have been to the treatment home until now and that's also something I wonder about... Why has it been like that? Because of that, social services did not think it was optimal for her to come to that environment.
It is in your word that your ways are higher than ours and that your thoughts are not like ours. It's really something that I've learned now, that we as Christians have to throw away our own ideas about what it will be like when we walk with You. Because it still doesn't turn out the way we planned and then we just get disappointed.
You also see that I long to get married and how long will it take before that happens? As long as i waited to get employed and to go in to my full time service, and it took much longer than I thought, should I wait for my wife? I'm already crazy with all the waiting and I'm going to have to wait even more... I hope it doesn't take much longer but you don't want to tell me anything about it so I guess I'll leave it in your hands like I did with everything else.
Well, what choice do I have? Nothing that interests me anyway because it is Your will that I dedicate my life to in all areas of my life.
I hope my testimony can be helpful to those who read it. Let your will be done God, Amen.
I leave behind my favorite verse in the bible, God bless you.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalms 34:18 NIV).
