This is a real question

[memoriesbymichelle]

Now that's just a perfect example of what can go wrong when someone looks into your past. Kinda scary huh? It made me chuckle when you said that about the nude model...but it's not really funny is it?

I think it's kind of funny and I could only dream of having a body like my name alike model LOL. At the time I was looking that up I was wondering if someone from HS tried to look me up....they might think it WAS me, well except she was born in 1982 which is after I graduated but yeah....I was shocked when I first saw it

 

[mjmcmillan]

Doing a Google search for my name would be an exercise in futility. There are so many! It would be like searching for a needle in a huge stack of needles.

Fortunately, none of the people with my name seem to be up to no good-- in fact, I could wish that I could do what some of these guys have done.

So, no Google search for my name. Not that I can't be traced-- it's just not that easy if you don't know exactly what you're looking for.

Of course, that still leaves putting a GPS device on my vehicle to see where I go ("Oh my! Where doesn't he go?") and of course the old standbys, asking friends and family and checking police records.

 

[exitstageright]

Porn gave men an unrealistic expectation about women.

Romance novels gave women an unrealistic expectation about men.

Well said,MJ,on both counts!

 

[blackribbon]

Trust? I think learning about someone's background is a step toward building trust.

I had to do a big formal nationwide check (filed through the state and everything) to even walk on to the Boy Scout campground for parents day with my teen age son (state requirment). A background check is not a big deal in today's world.

I had to be fingerprinted and go through an FBI background check to attend my first day of nursing school.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

OK what about this question?

How soon would you tell someone about yourself, like in regard to finances or personal details other than what is your favorite color? Or how soon would you expect someone you are dating to spill the beans on their situation?

Because on the one hand, say if you are doing well, (like exit) , it might seem like bragging if you go on and on about how successful you are in business, and how many vacations you take a year, but on the other hand, say, if you are in financial distress, if you bring that up right away, you could be considered being a gold digger, or desparate.

I'm the kind of person that would want to get to the facts (mine or his) pretty quickly, but that may scare some good potentials off IMO.

 

[Life2Christ]

OK what about this question?

How soon would you tell someone about yourself, like in regard to finances or personal details other than what is your favorite color? Or how soon would you expect someone you are dating to spill the beans on their situation?

.

All those details *should* come naturally when you get to know them but if they do not reveal it themselves, it is up to the date to ask after a few meetings/dates. I would not hesistate to ask. For example: If I want to find out if he's ever been incarcerated I would say "So....did you see the new HBO documentary about jails...what do you think about them?"

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

That's what I did too. We had a 6 year courtship. We met each other's families, we finished each other's sentences We were meant to be....until we got married and moved in together. That's when I discovered his porn stash and his freaky-deakyness (including his debt). This was all before our first anniversary (which we were separated for).

That brings up an interesting question. How do you really know what someone is like without living with them? I am NOT advocating shacking up. Now, I guess if you could see someone's credit history that would be telling. And there are behaviors you might observe if you are alert. For example, by sister's ex husband (before they were married) would sometimes ask my father for money, and sometimes he would volunteer to do some little task but he always expected to be paid. Now I would be mortified to ask for money. Right there I saw money and character problems. How do you really know if someone is addicted to porn or gambling or video games or whatnot. Maybe one could get a clue on how they react if a topic is mentioned. If one even obliquely asked someone about, say, porn or gambling and they seemed nervous and defensive, one could guess they have a problem. Or if they overreacted and angrily denounced the vice in question, one might think that everything is not as it seems. But some people who have addictive behaviors might be also be smooth talkers.

 

[dayhiker]

One can get a feel for a persons finances buy being around them.

Are they a worker, what type of job. most of us have a feel for generally what a job pays. If they just sit around they probably are on the low scale for pay for that job. If they are a worker they are probably moving up.

Do they waste money. My last GF would go grocery shopping once a week and buy a lot of stuff. Some of the fresh stuff would get old before it was used up. So I'd see her throwing quite a bit away at the end of the week. That 1-5% waste was eating into her wealth and she showed no concern for it. I very seldom have any waste, but I do make one more trip to the story each week than she does.

Do they talk about investments. If they are living paycheck to paycheck, they aren't talking about what they are thinking about investments. If they have extra money then its one of the things they are thinking about. It takes time to figure out what to invest in and so its something people with money think about. They like to bounce ideas of others.

Vacations has already been mentioned, but its something I'm interested and so I float an idea for a vacation together to see how they respond.

If they have debts its something the is on their mind because again its a major mental exercise to figure out who to deal with it.

I think when the person is honest a few months and just from these topics one can have a feel for how wealthy a person is. If they are a lier and hid things, all bets are off, so a surprise months later about one of these topics would be a warning flag to me.

Even a friend how pays for part to their share of a bill tells me quite a bit about them. Do they take responsibility for their own costs? If I'm getting closer to her, since I have money, I like to pay for a thing here and there. But I'm not much interested in being a sugar daddy!

 

[dayhiker]

Doc .. looks like we both are saying there is no full proof way to tell. Good lairs just pull one over on us.


As for shacking up ... I've never shacked up. I have lived weekends with GF and I found that very educational. The last GF over time it told me that I didn't want to live full time with her. I could take weekends, but I couldn't have handled living full time with her. We make great friends now tho.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Doc .. looks like we both are saying there is no full proof way to tell. Good lairs just pull one over on us.


As for shacking up ... I've never shacked up. I have lived weekends with GF and I found that very educational. The last GF over time it told me that I didn't want to live full time with her. I could take weekends, but I couldn't have handled living full time with her. We make great friends now tho.

But you also said you would not get married again right? I agree that there is no way to really know someone or if they are lying or not in the beginning. Even though I am in debt, I am not looking for a sugar daddy, but because of my debt I might be seen that way. And even though I have alot of debt I haven't been late on any payments. But I would appreciate a man that does handle his money better than me, but not a tight wad. When I met my husband it seemed like he always had some cash on him and I saw him keeping his check register when we went to the grocery store once. That was pretty impressive to me lol. I was 20 then though so most of the 20 something guys I dated before were not good with money.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, right now I don't see me getting married again. Of course things change. A long term relationship might teach me that the certain lady has what I'm want to be next to for years to come, so I'd be willing to. But I'm not going to jump into anything quickly.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Ya, right now I don't see me getting married again. Of course things change. A long term relationship might teach me that the certain lady has what I'm want to be next to for years to come, so I'd be willing to. But I'm not going to jump into anything quickly.

Well I'm glad to know you are at least flexible!

 

[dayhiker]

What? I have a hard time touching my toes! *puzzled look*

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

What? I have a hard time touching my toes! *puzzled look*

I can't touch my toes either, but I'm VERY flexible hahaha! Just not in a physical way.

 

[dayhiker]

smile ... I'm flexible that way as well. Whatever works. I'm very pragmatic.

 

[blackribbon]

I think you learn more about someone's financial situation by watching how they spend their money.

I wouldn't ask this question until I was at a point that things were getting serious.

I consider a date a potential friend. I don't have financial requirements for any of my friends.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

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I think you learn more about someone's financial situation by watching how they spend their money.

while I don't totally disagree, I do somewhat. How do you "watch how they spend their money" I mean if you are on a date with them, they will likely offer to pay for dinner, and even if you "watch" by what they say, like "hey I just bought a new ski boat" how does that show you about their financial situation? technically I could go out right now and buy a new ski boat. Can I afford it? NO! So it wouldn't show my financial situation necessarily.

I wouldn't ask this question until I was at a point that things were getting serious.

not being snarky, just curious, what point would things be getting serious for you mean? Is it a timeframe like 2-4 months? Or could it be more or less depending on how much time you spend with someone?

I consider a date a potential friend. I don't have financial requirements for any of my friends.

good point Me neither

 

[blackribbon]

It is over time that you learn how someone handles their life financially. I mean, someone could make a lot of money and be "poorer" (ie...lots of debts or financial obligations) than someone who makes a whole lot less, so making decisions based on what they claim they are worth isn't reliable.

If the man invites, I let him pick the place and pay the first date. After letting him talk about his hobbies, his job, and himself in general I have a bit of clue on how he is financially.

For example...the guy I went out with was an engineer for a major automotive manufacturer. (possible good money? ) .... however, he was unemployed for 1 1/2 years (hmmm....maybe he is playing "catch up" financially) ... but he had just bought a new house because he decided he wanted a nicer home (hmmm....well, that means he managed his money during the period of unemployment well since he had good enough credit to take a step up).....however, since he bought it with retirement savings...(had enough to make the purchase...but was he making impulsive and irresponsible purchase?) .... said that his period of unemployment was difficult because he had not been unemployed since he was 16 years old (hmmmm....sounds like a responsible man). Griped about his teenage son not working hard enough in school...and it frustrated him because he was spending most of his money paying for the private Christian school that his son was going to because the son wanted to be their (priorities are right...money may be tight because of his priorities). He also mentioned being totally broke at one time....because he realized that when his son was young, that his ex-wife was not a "fit" mother and he had to spend everything he had to get full custody (how many men want full custody of a toddler?...again, a man with some priorities that I can admire)... the final straw was the boy returned from a visit with his mother with what the doctors determined was a cigarette burn on his back.

How much is he worth? I still don't know. He most likely makes good money but spends a lot of it on his family obligations...and he obviously knows how to save or else he would not have been able to upgrade after being unemployed for a long period of time. ..... see what I mean? (and I learned this much info in two dates....but he was a talker... )

As for "getting serious"...at our age, I don't think that is a time related thing....it is just when both members start to talk about things that mean you are starting to consider commitment. With kids in the house, it will be a lot longer of a time frame than it might be after they leave the house. After I don't have to worry about their safety, I might be willing to be a bit more impulsive if I "feel" that something is "right".

 

[dayhiker]

Good illustrations of what I was saying, black.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Good illustrations of what I was saying, black.

She is really smart and has a great way of phrasing things in writing! I agree with everything you said. But it made me think of another question.

So what if the scenerio above had played out differently and you had continued seeing him and then at a later date when you are more invested, what if you THEN found out he was broke because he has to pay so much to his family and kids, or he really isn't that great of a financier? Do you then, at that point, break it off and break your heart in the process? Or what is the alternative?