Thinking about leaving my wife...

[soosh8005]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. [Staff Edit] I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

 

[Sanoy]

Pray everday without ceasing for your marriage. It may take years, but pray. Pick a time and place where you are alone and pray each day.

 

[razzelflabben]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. [Staff Edit] I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

I would like to ask a question...I do NOT expect you to answer it here, just something to think about.

You accuse your wife of being selfish, isn't ending the marriage over this an act of selfishness? IOW's how selfish is it to end a marriage because YOUR "needs" and "wants" are not being met? Just some food for thought....maybe example is a better way.

 

[tampasteve]

I would highly recommend a good Christian Marriage and Family counselor. Having an outside opinion and open conversation can work wonders for a marriage and discussions. Having a professional's opinion makes it less about my opinion vs your opinion and more about a solution that we can work together on. She probably will resist going, but make an appointment, tell her you expect her to be there and if she does not go you will still be going. Even if she does not go a good counselor can give you sound advice on how to proceed.

 

[faroukfarouk]

What about your promise to her?

What would leaving her say about any professed beliefs you may have in the promises of God's Word?

 

[faroukfarouk]

I would like to ask a question...I do NOT expect you to answer it here, just something to think about.

You accuse your wife of being selfish, isn't ending the marriage over this an act of selfishness? IOW's how selfish is it to end a marriage because YOUR "needs" and "wants" are not being met? Just some food for thought....maybe example is a better way.

Well, exactly.

 

[Larniavc]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. [Staff Edit] I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

Hi. Not a Christian so you may not want to hear from me but staying in a loveless marriage helps no one and risks your kids learning that marriage is about being unhappy for years.

 

[EastCoastRemnant]

Hi. Not a Christian so you may not want to hear from me but staying in a loveless marriage helps no one and risks your kids learning that marriage is about being unhappy for years.

You're right, not helpful to a Christian... when we make a covenant, we are expected to keep it. The world is only interested in self...

 

[2PhiloVoid]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. [Staff Edit] I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, soosh8005. I can relate with some of this on a smaller scale. However, just be careful with the other idea that floats out there: the idea that it'd be greener on the other side of the fence. The truth is, finding another woman won't necessarily bring you the 'joy' you're hoping for. There are always strings attached (i.e. she may have her own major problems), AND if you were to find someone else, you'd wreck much of what you have now.

Is your wife willing to go with you to some solid Christian Counseling? I ask because it sounds like BOTH of you have some luggage that needs to be unpacked.

 

[SkyWriting]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. [Staff Edit] I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

What you invest your time in is what matters. You can't change her
but you can change you. Life will never be as good as you'd like it
to be. But you can improve the lives of your wife and kids. Keep
busy and maybe she will want to catch up with you. Waiting for
her is not the answer.

 

[SeventyOne]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. [Staff Edit] I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

My wife started getting busy in her own interests as well, where she was always busy. The alternative was where she's moping around the house claiming she's bored all day with nothing to do (and it's all my fault). I started joining in on some of her interests so she knows I support her desires and individuality, but I also have interests of my own that isn't necessarily her style. So we have 'her' things, 'my' things, and 'our' things to do.

[Staff Edit]

 

[Par5]

You're right, not helpful to a Christian... when we make a covenant, we are expected to keep it. The world is only interested in self...

That is such a self-righteous attitude. I am a believer in marriage, I have been married for 48 years, but my marriage is a happy one, his marriage is not. As Larnievc has said, staying in a loveless marriage helps no one. If counselling doesn't help, then it may just be best if he moves on.
Mutual respect is vital in a marriage. If that goes, then it is a marriage in name only.

 

[Albion]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts...I just don't know what to do!!!

I don't know what the answer is. As I read the other answers that have been given, it looks like the members here don't know either. But some of the replies are better than others, so I hope that some of them will be worth your while to pursue. Clearly, you have come to the point of needing to do something different.

 

[eleos1954]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. [Staff Edit] I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

ok ... this is your "take" on the relationship .... what does she say?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I sense your frustration, but I’d need more info before I can give any feedback. How long have you been married? How many kids? Ages? How long has this pattern gone on? What does she say about it? What have you two discussed? Have you already picked out her replacement?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

My wife started getting busy in her own interests as well, where she was always busy. The alternative was where she's moping around the house claiming she's bored all day with nothing to do (and it's all my fault).

Um... wow. Yeah. No idea where to even begin with this attitude.

I started joining in on some of her interests so she knows I support her desires and individuality, but I also have interests of my own that isn't necessarily her style. So we have 'her' things, 'my' things, and 'our' things to do.

This is actually a kernel of good advice.

[Staff Edit]

 

[SeventyOne]

Um... wow. Yeah. No idea where to even begin with this attitude.

What attitude?

This is actually a kernel of good advice.

It's amazing advice, thank you.

[Staff Edit]

 

[Almost there]

I had this same problem a couple of decades ago. I did a lot of reading and going to counseling and I changed. I basically "manned up".

1. It really helped me at work and with other relationships. It also fixed that problem: She divorced me.

And two months after I was kicked out I went to my 25 year high school reunion, where I re-met someone I had known, but never dated. Within 14 months I was remarried - to the woman of my dreams with whom I've been in absolute marital bliss for just under 20 years.

Prayerfully do what's right and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

What attitude?

The dismissive, passive aggressive “my annoying wife and her dumb problems” attitude.

 

[SeventyOne]

The dismissive, passive aggressive “my annoying wife and her dumb problems” attitude.

Those were actually exact words from my wife during our conversations about such things. Try to stick to judging people and things you know something about.