Thinking about leaving my wife...

[Par5]

Good Lord. You guys do realize what thread you're arguing in, right? A guy is asking for advice about potentially leaving his wife, and y'all are going off on each other about who's right about the existence of God???

I already said what I thought the necessary ingredients were in a marriage if it was to last and if those things were not there that it might be better for him to move on rather than stay being unhappy and living a lie. My opinion was based on the experience of my own marriage which I consider to be a very happy and stable one.
It was a Christian poster who dragged religion into it, implying that my marriage might not be so happy if I, as an atheist, was told by my wife that she was turning to Christianity.
The same poster has already rather smugly told an atheist poster on this thread that their advice was not helpful to a Christian. It may be off topic, but I will not let such self-righteous smugness go unchallenged.

 

[snoochface]

Yeah I know how it happened, I've been reading. If both of y'all can't let it go, take it to PMs and fight it out there.

 

[Par5]

Yeah I know how it happened, I've been reading. If both of y'all can't let it go, take it to PMs and fight it out there.

Since when have you been appointed to censor the content of other people's posts?

 

[annafullofgrace]

Because you should not put the children ahead of your own time. The children should see a husband and wife that put their own time ahead of all else, because it teaches the kids the importance of the relationship between a husband and wife. Actually, the old TV show, "Seventh Heaven" is a good example of this.

I agree very much. Yes, children needing us is a season of life when they are younger, but it’s hugely important that the husband and wife are first and that the children know it and see it. It’s important to keep our marriage first and nurture us with constant care. That doesn’t mean that the kids needs go unmet, we are a very tight knit family, but they still see that daddy puts his wife first or if mommy needs to speak with daddy, they have to wait (obviously, if there’s an emergency or something thay cannot wait will be addressed). Now that ours are getting a little older, it’s even more important, they know how special and important they are to us, but our teens enjoy seeing us put each other first and makings our marriage a priority, this will help them have a healthy view of marriage as well. It took me a few years to Understand this....in the beginning, I put our kids first over my husband and I made everything an emergency...it was hurting us and I didn’t realize it. Kids are going to grow up and leave us and our spouse will still be there...it’s important to keep the flame alive...I’ve seen many couples when the kids leave the nest, they are strangers to each other and they’ve admitted they spent years putting the kids first and when they left, they realize they don’t know each other anymore.

 

[tampasteve]

4 pages of replies and the OP has made exactly ONE post- the first one. To me, this speaks volumes to how helpful we have been to this person.

 

[snoochface]

4 pages of replies and the OP has made exactly ONE post- the first one. To me, this speaks volumes to how helpful we have been to this person.

Yup. That's what I was driving at with all the off topic bickering.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Without putting the weight on a few for the state of the thread, the OP is still coming and reading, and without people supporting his desire to leave, he may have found that as a reason to not participate as well. It is humbling to say you are so broken you want to divorce, then to receive responses that say he should pray unceasingly, he’s wrong to leave, etc.

Not saying that those are wrong things to post, but for one who’s looking for support on how to make leaving easier, being told they’re wrong to want to leave would make it hard to humble again come back for help that says “thanks, but I’m really leaving. How do I do it?”

 

[mkgal1]

the OP is still coming and reading

It looks like he stopped reading--signed on, anyway-- that night of his OP (and hasn't even seen the rest after post #37).

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Hmm, I will say it could simply be shes just busy. Being a spouse is alot of work as it is. But when you add kids, the time for each other is non-existent at times. And because the kids are part of things, it does mean she may be very busy with that. So by the time she can rest she just doesn't want to do anything. Again, not saying thats fair of course.

A couple with kids REALLY has to find a way to make time for each other or else these situations pop up and eventually the sadness turns into grief, then into anger, then into hate and despise. Praying is one solution to use no matter what other actions you decide to do. And patience.

What else I am about to say is hard because there are many details that are needed before given comfortable answers. Like how long have you been married? How old are you two? Whats your financial situation like? Do you guys fight about other things?...etc.

[Staff Edit]

Again not knowing details, maybe shes talking to someone else? I don't think thats the case given shes busy as it is. But spouses tend to withdrawn for many reasons. Sometimes they getting what they need from their spouse. Sometimes they are getting what they need but don't care. Talking to your pastor and getting couples counseling is big step to take right now.

Have you ever asked her "Why do you seem to never pay any attention to me anymore? Did I do something wrong? What can I do to fix it? Do you need help with more things? ". She can't continue to avoid the question and get mad forever.

Now assuming you got counseling and things were getting no where you could always tell her you don't think the marriage is doing well and your growing tired of feeling alone in it. Again, this is a last resort thing and again, we don't know enough to really even know what to say fully.

My wife and I spend a good portion of the day not with each other. But we are good with that. We show plenty of love through out the day and when together.

 

[Angeldove97]

[Staff Edit]



There are times when my husband was interested and I am not - I have never seen the act of love making as "just something else I have to do for him" and I have never regretted the action.

Telling a person who's needs are not being met that "hey that's normal" is not supportive of their spouse.

 

[SeventyOne]

[Staff Edit]

There is no 'normal'. Such things are completely relative, and I mentioned elsewhere that I said that as kind of a joke. Hopefully that clarifies it a bit.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Hi. Not a Christian so you may not want to hear from me but staying in a loveless marriage helps no one and risks your kids learning that marriage is about being unhappy for years.

Divorce rips the foundation the kids have built their life, identity, well-being, and security on since they were prob 3 months old or so - they would never be the same. Assuming, and that's big assume, they even notice the loveless marriage, loving his wife unconditionally, and trusting the Lord to work in her (which HE will) is what Christian parents strive to model to their children. (ie: faith).

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

[Staff Edit]

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

It may take years, but pray.

NAILED IT... yes "years" Marriages go through seasons just like everything else in life, and sometimes "seasons" are years!

I WAS that wife the OP is describing, and by the grace of God, my husband waited for me to WAKE UP. Married 25 yrs now.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Children notice loveless marriages pretty profoundly.

 

[Larniavc]

Divorce rips the foundation the kids have built their life, identity, well-being, and security on since they were prob 3 months old or so - they would never be the same. Assuming, and that's big assume, they even notice the loveless marriage, loving his wife unconditionally, and trusting the Lord to work in her (which HE will) is what Christian parents strive to model to their children. (ie: faith).

That makes no sense to me but if that is what you believe, fair enough.

I know may people with separated parents (including) my self and all things being equal, separation is better than not being happy together.

Children can tell, trust me in that.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

That makes no sense to me but if that is what you believe, fair enough.

I know may people with separated parents (including) my self and all things being equal, separation is better than not being happy together.

Children can tell, trust me in that.

I was one of those oblivious teens who had no idea my mom was unhappy or there was any probs in the marriage - absolutely devastated when she left my dad for another man. 30 yrs later - still a big rip in my heart.. Guess it affects all differently. The Christian worldview is about selfless love and faith - believing that happiness/joy comes from the Lord, not our circumstances (a spouse not meeting our needs for example). The bigger we make God, the less we focus on self - and it's so freeing. Yes, pretty radical!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I’m sorry, but saying the solution to a bad marriage is to love God more is like saying the solution to a bullet wound is laughter. Loving God more may help in a variety of ways, but it doesn’t cancel out the effects of the world around us.

I mean, for real, I meditate 2.5 hours a day and the act of doing so has completely changed my life for the better. I fully believe in the idea that connection to the self and God can profoundly impact your circumstances in really positive ways. That doesn’t mean, however, that anything that happens to me that makes me uncomfortable or is negative is cured by meditating and praying. You have to accept that circumstances around you may be such that you have to do things, like reevaluate relationships, to solve some problems, and that doing so is part of accepting a love of God, not a flaw born of not living God enough.

It reminds me of the old joke about the man and the hurricane... As the hurricane was hitting, the police knocked on his door and told him he had to leave and he refused, saying that he had such a great relationship with God that God would keep him safe. The flood waters rose and he ended up going to the second floor of his home when firefighters in a boat knocked on his window and said they were there to save him. He refused again, saying his great relationship with God would save him. Finally, the floods forced him to his roof where the National Guard tried to evacuate him via helicopter, but he said no, his love of God and God’s love for him would be enough to save him. He ended up drowning and when he faced God, he said “How could you have let me drown? I believed in you with my whole heart, I trusted you to keep me safe. How could you have forgotten somebody who believed, honored, and loved you so?” and God said “I didn’t forget you, dummy. I sent you the police, fire department, and National Guard... I can’t help you if you won’t help you.”

Point being love God, follow God, listen for God, but do some work for yourself too. Expecting there’s a level of devotion one could hit where they are so blinded by the love they have for God that they no longer notice when others around them become toxic or no longer feel the sting of bad treatment is just unrealistic.

 

[soosh8005]

Hello,

February has been a rough month for me. I found out that my wife started chatting with another man last year through a fitness app and now texts him frequently. My wife and I have been together for a long time. We were high school sweethearts and started dating at age 15. We dated 9 years and have been married 14 for a total of 23 years so she's been my whole life. She was very mad but at the same time embarrassed that I found out by snooping. Not sure where to go from here but I did make a mistake by reaching out for help online. Thanks to those who did try to offer help.

Soosh

 

[Tropical Wilds]

What was the mistake reaching out and who was this mistake made by (allegedly)?