Thinking about leaving my wife...

[snoochface]

I'm sorry Soosh. I suspect four pages of debate and arguing points that were completely off topic from the OP contribute greatly to the feeling that reaching out for help online was a mistake.

 

[Angeldove97]

Hello,

February has been a rough month for me. I found out that my wife started chatting with another man last year through a fitness app and now texts him frequently.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with a person reaching out to another person to be friends. I'm assuming that this friendship has taken a turn though and was becoming romantic (?).

My wife and I have been together for a long time. We were high school sweethearts and started dating at age 15. We dated 9 years and have been married 14 for a total of 23 years so she's been my whole life. She was very mad but at the same time embarrassed that I found out by snooping. Not sure where to go from here but I did make a mistake by reaching out for help online. Thanks to those who did try to offer help.

Soosh

I'm sorry you feel you made a mistake by reaching out to an online discussion forum. Personally, I think the idea of anonymously sharing what is going on in our lives may help for us to come to realize what actually happened and figure out what to handle it.

There have been times when men have reached out to me in friendship and they have tried to take it to the romantic route. Once happened at this site - I shared it all with my husband and he logged into his own CF account and privately spoke to the person (it stopped after that).

Secondly was more recent - with a long time friend - who got drunk and was flirting with me while over our place and decided touching was okay (it wasn't). I told hubby after everybody left (there's a backstory but I'm going to leave details out) and he spoke to the friend a few days later about it. Set clear boundaries and things have been fine since then.

My tactic is to always work it out with my spouse - find what is okay and what isn't okay and agree on that (he has different boundaries than what I have when it comes to communication and "snooping" - he respects mine, I respect his). If necessary, I've allowed my husband to set that boundary with the person who is breaking the boundary with me. But that may not be helpful in your situation if your wife does not want you to do so.

 

[tampasteve]

Hello,

February has been a rough month for me. I found out that my wife started chatting with another man last year through a fitness app and now texts him frequently. My wife and I have been together for a long time. We were high school sweethearts and started dating at age 15. We dated 9 years and have been married 14 for a total of 23 years so she's been my whole life. She was very mad but at the same time embarrassed that I found out by snooping. Not sure where to go from here but I did make a mistake by reaching out for help online. Thanks to those who did try to offer help.

Soosh

I have literally been in your shoes, it is tough. People that have not been through it cannot relate, there are plenty of people willing to spout out that divorce is wrong, evil, etc. but they cannot know the pain that one goes through when betrayed, either physically or through a emotional affair. She had no right to be mad at your snooping, you were in the right as she gave you reason to be concerned.

I will give the same advice as before: Pray to God. Consult a Christian Marriage and Family counselor. If you happen to be in Florida I can give you the contact of a good Christian counselor that I met with through my troubles with my ex wife. It did not work out for me, but that was because of my ex wife, not because the counselor did not do his best. The marriage can be saved if she wants to put the work into it, and you are willing to do some work and forgive. However, openness and honesty are the name of the game from here on for her until you feel comfortable and can trust her.

 

[SeventyOne]

Hello,

February has been a rough month for me. I found out that my wife started chatting with another man last year through a fitness app and now texts him frequently. My wife and I have been together for a long time. We were high school sweethearts and started dating at age 15. We dated 9 years and have been married 14 for a total of 23 years so she's been my whole life. She was very mad but at the same time embarrassed that I found out by snooping. Not sure where to go from here but I did make a mistake by reaching out for help online. Thanks to those who did try to offer help.

Soosh

Since you were snooping, did you see anything that might sound an alarm?

Maybe 4 months ago, I reconnected with a girl I knew from army training, prior to ever meeting my 'now' wife. We became friends, then really good friends, then really, really good friends and I ended up asking her to marry me. She said no.

Years later, we both have our own families now, and we've been talking a few times a week, some text and other video calls. We aren't doing anything wrong, but we make sure our spouses are aware. I tell my wife about the content of our conversations not long after hay take place, she does the same with her husband, I've even talked to him myself briefly, and I've even invited her and her family for a visit in April. Long story short, she should have been telling you about this. But if there was nothing incriminating in the texts, then it might just be best to chalk it up as poor judgment on her part and move on insisting that she be more open and honest about her interactions.

 

[mkgal1]

Not sure where to go from here

Where does your wife want to go from here? If she's willing to work together with you towards positive change for your marriage....then wouldn't that worth working with her towards?

 

[tampasteve]

We aren't doing anything wrong, but we make sure our spouses are aware. I tell my wife about the content of our conversations not long after hay take place, she does the same with her husband, I've even talked to him myself briefly, and I've even invited her and her family for a visit in April. Long story short, she should have been telling you about this. But if there was nothing incriminating in the texts, then it might just be best to chalk it up as poor judgment on her part and move on insisting that she be more open and honest about her interactions.

Bolding for emphasis. This is key, men and women can be friends, but it is when it is hidden that deceit takes place. Whether she has acted yet or not, the hiding, then lying by omission is what is wrong. Further, her anger at being caught points that her relationship either was not innocent, or was heading in the wrong direction.

 

[mkgal1]

Further, her anger at being caught points that her relationship either was not innocent, or was heading in the wrong direction.

.....another option is that her anger (defensiveness) demonstrates a lack of trust and good communication between her and her husband (Soosh). If she's willing to (and if Soosh is willing), though, that doesn't mean it's beyond repair.

 

[tampasteve]

.....another option is that her anger (defensiveness) demonstrates a lack of trust and good communication between her and her husband (Soosh). If she's willing to (and if Soosh is willing), though, that doesn't mean it's beyond repair.

Very good points! I totally agree.

 

[DZoolander]

My only recommendation is this:

Instead of asking other people for advice, trust your own intuition. You know your wife. You know yourself. If you dispassionately remove yourself from the situation, what does your intuition tell you is really going on?

And then, when factoring in EVERYTHING, what do you want to do? Go with that.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

After years of being put on the backburner I just can't take it anymore. My wife puts everyone and everything before me. Kids, family, friends, volunteering help for my sons band competitions, volunteering to work concessions for basketball/football games even though our children don't play. She also attends every event our church has like women's night or things that aren't Sunday/ Weds services. She invests her time in everyone but me and it hurts. I have brought it up many times but she angers easily or says I overreact. I'm always the one who initiates hugs, kisses, holding hands which we never do anymore because I'm tired of her selfishness. I go months without sex and usually it's only twice a year. I'm lonely, depressed and hate my life aside from the joy my children give me. I believe in marriage but this is just too much. Does God want me to be this miserable and lonely? I just don't know what to do!!!

That sounds like a really horrible situation, and I hate to think that any Christian marriage is like this. One thing is for sure -- do NOT end your marriage over the sin and selfishness of your wife. Marriage is for life and man has no authority to tear it apart.

I know it must be hard, but one thing you need to do is really take the lead. It sounds like you have allowed her to think for years that she is autonomous of you and live in a very secular concept of freedom. This is not the case. You are the head of the home and she is not autonomous, but is under YOUR authority and your leading. As far as denying physical affection, neither husband nor wife has a right to do this according to the Bible. A marriage is "free love" and we have access to the body of our spouse.

How to turn things around after such a long time of disorder I can't say for certain. However, you need to start by asserting your biblical authority, including showing your wife from the Word of God, and common reason, what your role and her role are. She needs to know you decide the household order, you have authority over her and there is no right to deny affection at all.

Open the Bible. Ask God for guidance in prayer. Pray both for your own leadership and wisdom, as well as for your wife. You both need a shift in attitudes regarding your role in the home, and she needs to learn humility before her husband and to respect him. I know by God's grace a normal and good relation can be restored, brother. You need to show both strength and wisdom, and rely on God. Do not let her think for a moment that she is in charge. You are the man. You are the king in the home.

 

[Christian4Jesus]

Oh dear brother. My heart goes out to you. So sorry to hear of your pain. [Staff Edit]. This helps heal our minds and drives us closer to Dear Jesus.
"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
(Jesus) John 14 : 27

But my GOD shall supply ALL your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4 : 19

And GOD shall wipe away ALL tears from their eyes; and there shall be NO MORE death, NEITHER sorrow, NOR crying, NEITHER shall there be ANY MORE pain: for the former things are PASSED AWAY.
Revelation 21 : 4

Practice clinging, surrendering and submitting yourself to Dear Jesus every day. This I do daily. Pray to Dear Jesus without ceasing daily.

This scripture explains why we are suffering...

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you:
But rejoice, in as much as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when His glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.
1 Peter 4 : 12, 13

It is tough, no doubt. But Dear Jesus will help you to pray for your wife by asking Him for His divine skill, power and strength to do so. Practice makes perfect. You will get good at it. I know. So hang in there. [Staff Edit] Cling to Dear Jesus with all your might. Depend and rely on Him because your eternal life is at stake. So is mine. Will pray to Dear Jesus for Him to give you divine skill, power and strength to cope and keep going forward. May Dear Jesus richly bless you.

 

[St. Helens]

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