Think I'll sit down here for a bit... (3)

[Flipper]

Councilling from a good Pastor is what he needs. Sin is hard to deal with, hers and his, but he must not let his hatred over come him and he must find forgiveness for her.


Mt 6:14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Mt 6:15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

He is getting counseling from someone at church. However, his church is a non-denominational church that is an offshoot of a Baptist church. The most grudge filled Christians I've ever known are Baptists. Remember when I was talking about realizing what the feel-good songs were? It was his church.

I will, however, pass along the Bible verses. Thanks!

 

[QuiltAngel]

We shall miss you seajoy, but enjoy the planning and the wedding.

Congrats Kae!

 

[C.F.W. Walther]

Oh, how exciting! Have fun, Seajoy!!

Ok, now need serious advice, or rather a recommendation.

Good dear friend of mine is in the middle of a particularly nasty divorce with his second wife. I may have talked about it in the past. He's a sweet, sweet, guy who keeps finding girls who walk all over him. The first wife used him to get through nursing school, then left him - she didn't make a big deal during the divorce. This one, we thought from the beginning she was marrying him to get an alimony check and sure enough, that's what she's going for. Without going into details, she's done some really nasty stuff to him, and he's having to pay lots in legal fees to fight her. You can't blame him for being angry.

Anyway, he called last night to get a layman's explanation of a letter he got from his attorney. We talked a good 45 minutes. In that time, it hit me that he is so angry, and hates his ex so much that it's clouding his judgment. We don't blame him because we saw she was a piece of work from day one, but his need to get even with her is overwhelming everything, is where I think he's going to make some rash decisions on things that might not be the best thing for him. She's really brought out the worst in him.

He needs to let go of the hate and just focus on getting out of his marriage unscathed. I know, it's easy for me to say, I've never been in a yucky marriage, but on the outside looking in, he's going to hurt himself. He's a Christian. He should know about forgiveness.

To those of you who have gone through divorces, was there a book or something like that, which helped you come to terms with what was going on, and to learn to forgive and move on? Something that I can just get on Amazon and send to him? He won't listen to either my husband or I if we talk to him. Every time I tell him to quit worrying about her stupid accusations, that there is no way they can hold in court (i.e. claiming house is marital property when there is an abundance of documentation that it isn't - Missouri doesn't have community property laws - you don't have to work for lawyers to see that one), he accuses me of not understanding his pain, or defending a "corrupt legal system," etc.

He's really getting into reading devotionals and other Christian books. Maybe I can reach him through another Christian book.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

I'm not going to be any help on the book thing but I know what he's going through. All he's doing is trying to explain to himself the unexplainable and trying to make sense of it. Since he can't do that then he just gets mad. Been there, done that. If he can't get closure on that then he will just keep getting mad and hate her. It's a defense mechanism for the unexplainable situation because I tried to see what I did wrong and couldn't find much. It's frustrating.

Somebody told me I was in one of the steps of grief.and recommended that I find a book on it. I never did and I probably should have because I never got past the "hate" process. Hard to explain really but I love her and hate her at the same time. It hurts him more now that he has to fight her in court. Another unexplainable situation. I feel sorry for the him. It was hell on earth.

The only way to keep my sanity, yes my sanity, was to get meds and just try to not obsess about it. The grief is terrific. I had to pray every time I started thinking about her or I would go nuts. As I said before it's like you loved one died. but they are still there to remind you that they're gone.

Just talking to someone brings a little relief. He might try a Christian grief counselor or group therapy. Just sharing the burden with someone helped a little.

 

[WildStrawberry]

God saw fit to keep our son and his future wife right here in WI, only an hour from us. We are thrilled to have them so close.

Hooray! How wonderful!

Enjoy your time away even as we miss seeing you. Many blessings on your son and future daughter in law on their wedding!

Kae

 

[WildStrawberry]

Flipper,

I don't have any advice but, I just wanted to say that I'll be praying for your friend!

Kae

 

[Flipper]

I'm not going to be any help on the book thing but I know what he's going through. All he's doing is trying to explain to himself the unexplainable and trying to make sense of it. Since he can't do that then he just gets mad. Been there, done that. If he can't get closure on that then he will just keep getting mad and hate her. It's a defense mechanism for the unexplainable situation because I tried to see what I did wrong and couldn't find much. It's frustrating.

Somebody told me I was in one of the steps of grief.and recommended that I find a book on it. I never did and I probably should have because I never got past the "hate" process. Hard to explain really but I love her and hate her at the same time. It hurts him more now that he has to fight her in court. Another unexplainable situation. I feel sorry for the him. It was hell on earth.

The only way to keep my sanity, yes my sanity, was to get meds and just try to not obsess about it. The grief is terrific. I had to pray every time I started thinking about her or I would go nuts. As I said before it's like you loved one died. but they are still there to remind you that they're gone.

Just talking to someone brings a little relief. He might try a Christian grief counselor or group therapy. Just sharing the burden with someone helped a little.

Thanks for the insight - I see what you are saying. He is seeing a professional Christian counselor, and I believe he's medicated, and I'm sure that's what's allowing him to function at all. He's just getting back to following Jesus (first wife was a Wiccan Priestess, and he got all involved in that), so it will probably take awhile to learn to just give it to God. A lot of older Christians still have a hard time with that.

He is also obsessed with the idea that she's going to continue to disparage his reputation with any means necessary, forever and ever. I had a long-term relationship ex boyfriend, and even a guy I just went on a couple dates with, do the same thing to me when I broke it off with them, so I completely understand how he feels. I just wish I can help to get him to a point where he realizes that whoever believes her, really doesn't need to be a friend of his anyway. (I wish I knew you guys back then - I felt so alone). It took me a long time to get to that point, so I know it will be an uphill battle with him.

You're right, we should just be there to listen to him vent his frustrations. It still blows me away that people can be that mean with a clear conscience. She really did him a number.


Thanks, Kae.

 

[dinkime]

one more day of work with kids...

 

[C.F.W. Walther]

Thanks for the insight - I see what you are saying. He is seeing a professional Christian counselor, and I believe he's medicated, and I'm sure that's what's allowing him to function at all. He's just getting back to following Jesus (first wife was a Wiccan Priestess, and he got all involved in that), so it will probably take awhile to learn to just give it to God. A lot of older Christians still have a hard time with that.

He is also obsessed with the idea that she's going to continue to disparage his reputation with any means necessary, forever and ever. I had a long-term relationship ex boyfriend, and even a guy I just went on a couple dates with, do the same thing to me when I broke it off with them, so I completely understand how he feels. I just wish I can help to get him to a point where he realizes that whoever believes her, really doesn't need to be a friend of his anyway. (I wish I knew you guys back then - I felt so alone). It took me a long time to get to that point, so I know it will be an uphill battle with him.

You're right, we should just be there to listen to him vent his frustrations. It still blows me away that people can be that mean with a clear conscience. She really did him a number.


Thanks, Kae.

Well I did give it to God but I don't know what he did with it. Maybe he just wants me to learn a lesson. Still don't know what the lesson is or if He has something in mind for me. I guess I'll just have to wait.

 

[porterross]

He is getting counseling from someone at church. However, his church is a non-denominational church that is an offshoot of a Baptist church. The most grudge filled Christians I've ever known are Baptists. Remember when I was talking about realizing what the feel-good songs were? It was his church.

I will, however, pass along the Bible verses. Thanks!

Flipper, it may be that you simply have to allow him to work his anger until he sees how self-destructive and pointless it is. Just let him vent and agree with what he says, repeating it if necessary, until hopefully the absudity of it echoes in his head and he snaps out of it.

What he's going through is normal and it's probably better to just be there for him and pray that he get past the hurt and anger quickly and learn from this very painful lesson. A big part of his anger is with himself for being so foolish....again. Trust me on this.

 

[C.F.W. Walther]

There are other stages in between but these are the major stages. I'm edging in on step five. I'll start to look again for a mate who can tolerate me


The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to facilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

 

[synger]

Porter, I had to go to your page and look through your armory to figure out what that thing was on the wall behind you. It looked to me like it was either a deck of cards or a pack of cigarettes.

Never would have guessed it was the Book of Concord!

 

[DaRev]

Porter, I had to go to your page and look through your armory to figure out what that thing was on the wall behind you. It looked to me like it was either a deck of cards or a pack of cigarettes.

Never would have guessed it was the Book of Concord!

Gotta love that!!

 

[latebloomer]

Good rainy morning, everyone. Lovely rainy day here. We needed it. The farmers should be happy. Tiger has a new Spiderman umbrella. He could hardly wait until it was time to leave this morning so he could show it to his teacher. Only 3 more days left of preschool until summer vacation.

latebloomer

 

[porterross]

Porter, I had to go to your page and look through your armory to figure out what that thing was on the wall behind you. It looked to me like it was either a deck of cards or a pack of cigarettes.

Never would have guessed it was the Book of Concord!

Well, now you know what a nerd I am. I actually have two editions of the BoC.

 

[DaRev]

Well, now you know what a nerd I am. I actually have two editions of the BoC.

Another reason why I like you!

 

[Studeclunker]

Well, now you know what a nerd I am. I actually have two editions of the BoC.

Gee, sounds like a good candidate for a Pastors wife...

 

[LilLamb219]

Gee, sounds like a good candidate for a Pastors wife...

This is most certainly true!

 

[porterross]

Gee, sounds like a good candidate for a Pastors wife...

This is most certainly true!

 

[porterross]

Another reason why I like you!

I didn't say I've study them each in-depth and done a comparative analysis between the two, although I would love to do just that...perhaps a week at a monastery would be just the place to do such studies....hmmmm.

 

[C.F.W. Walther]

Monastery? Isn't that were a bunch of guys live? I would have to go to a convent.