Things you never want to hear

[onecrazycowgirl]

my boss: Psst, I've got a secret for you, but don't say anything 'til after we go bankrupt, okies?

 

Job interviewer

 

[OracleX]

You have been terminated from 5 previous jobs and have a big criminal record?

Mother Inlaw

 

[waterwizard]

Mother In Law -- (Introducing you to someone) And this is my daughter's first husband.....

Grocery Store Bag Boy

 

[ZiSunka]

Grocery Store Bag Boy
"Paper or satin?"

Kids selling lemonade at a curbside stand

 

[waterwizard]

Kids selling lemonade at a curbside stand -- Do you like it? Joey squeezed the lemons himself, under his arm!!!!

Parking lot attendant

 

[ZiSunka]

Parking lot attendant
"We're not repsonsible for the damage. It was on fire when you drove in."

Minister

 

[Kikayon]

Minister; "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our respects to the dearly departed (your name here)..."

Your best friend

 

 

[ZiSunka]

Your best friend
"Your husband is a good kisser!"

shoe salesman

 

[lucypevensie]

Pew, what's that stench? Put your shoes back on, man!

NFL referee

 

[layne]

NFL referee: You broke by dose!!! I'll sue you for ebryting you'b god!

The old man next door...

 

[waterwizard]

The old man next door... I left my teeth around here somewhere...last time I saw them I was looking in your pot of soup.

Dog trainer

 

[ZiSunka]

Dog trainer
"I've owned 157 dogs in the last ten years, and they were all no good. I couldn't get them to listen to me."

Farmer

 

[Ryder]

Farmer "howdy neighbor, gonna be sprayin all-natural fertilizer this season"

gunsmith

 

[ZiSunka]

gunsmith
"Be careful where you stand when you fire this gun, sometimes the bullet comes out the back instead of the front."

Jelly maker

 

[Ryder]

(sidenote- A Canadian manufactured rifle from WW1 era using a sort-of twist-bolt action mechanism was actually taken out of production for doin just that! the bolt would launch backwards occasionally when fired ..... some fatalities occurred, British and American models were quickly adapted in its place)

Jelly maker -"take a bite.... now here's what jelly is really made of"

taxi driver

 

[ZiSunka]

taxi driver
"You wanna go downtown?! Oh, I'll take you downtown all right!! "

Frenchman

 

[Ryder]

Frenchman "Je n'parle pas englais !"

security guard

 

[ZiSunka]

Originally posted by Ryder Veldhuis
Frenchman "Je n'parle pas englais !"

LOL!

security guard
"We have to strip search everyone who comes in here. Orders from the Department of Homeland Security. Now, after you gt your clothes off, go ahead and speak into the clown's mouth."

 

[Ryder]

LOL clowns....

Clown - "You owe me 756$ for the kids party, and $34.50c for my rubber nose"

"Huh"

"I lost my nose in your upstairs toilet, not liable for plumbing"

 

Busboy

 

[waterwizard]

Busboy -- Hey, mister, did you see a retainer laying on this table earlier? I can't find mine.

Graphics Designer