Well, there is something in me preventing me from forgiving myself and all that. I'm trying with all my might, but I can't do it on my own.
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You are believing several lies...Yes, I already know that the AntiChrist will come as an angel of light. I know the things I said against the Holy Spirit, and I felt God's anger at me-I literally felt His wrath and I felt my soul leave my body. I have had many demonic attacks and I know the difference. I have never in my life felt terror from God, but I felt it at that point.
I do not know if I have gone past the point of no return with God. All I know is that I have been trying and trying to get the Holy Spirit back strong in my life...over and over and over. My pastor does not meet people-I have been going to my church for about 5 months now and have still not met him...and he has absolutely no tolerance whatsoever for people in my position. He calls them "whining, sniveling cowards who do not know the authority they have in Christ". or something similar. My church is all about the POWER of the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, healing, having lots of money, etc. Very big on spiritual warfare also.
I used to have the assurance of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I want that back....I can do nothing without His assurance. I used to have so much LOVE for Jesus and for others....
I am seeing a counselor at my church, but she thinks nothing is wrong with me and she wants me to join the church and the prayer team....even though I do not have the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and would be absolutely USELESS on a prayer team. So I have not even joined the church until I get the Baptism with evidence of tongues-they probably wouldn't let me anyway.
Honestly-don't you think I have not been praying for God to help me with this? Don't you think I have not been praying for peace and assurance of my salvation and to know if I have been forgiven by God for my horrible sin? I am STILL WAITING on that assurance from Him!
I am severely depressed, living in torment day in and day out, and all I do is sleep so I don't have to THINK about what I said.
Yes, God is love....but He also chastens and disciplines and PUNISHES sinners...yes, even Christians who continue in rebellious sin like I did.
If He does not chasten a person then the Bible says we are not His.
Yes, I sometimes see God working in my life....like if I pray for someone and God answers the prayer.....but I need the joy of my salvation-I need the conviction of sin, I need the leading of the Holy Spirit, to hear His still, small Voice again.
My heart is like a rock, and I fear so much that God is hardening my heart like He did with Pharoah. The closer I try to get to Him, the further I feel and I don't know what to do anymore.
Dear Migdala,
Maybe it will help to relate the vision I had many years ago. I had left a church that turned severely controlling and abusive, and that had gone on to essentially split. It was my first church, and I was devastated. I told God in no uncertain terms that if this is how it was, I wasnt interested in following Him any longer.
I went into severe spiritual depression, and it took years to get out. At the lowest point, I had a night vision of myself. In it, I was dangling by a single slender thread over the mouth of a great dark abyss. As I contemplated it, I was confronted head-on with some stark realities:
There was no way that thread could sustain my weight. I was going to fall, and soon.
If I struggled at all, I would only make it worse and hasten my destruction. I had no power in the matter at all, and was completely at the mercy of that thread.
Worst of all, I fully realized that I was deserving of falling. I had turned my back on God. I had judged Him to be unfaithful, because of the failings of His church. I was the prodigal that had given up his birthright.
In sum, I was totally without hope. I went through my days spiritually numb, waiting for a destruction that was absolutely bound to come upon me at any time.
But a funny thing happened on the way to perdition: I didnt fall. The days turned to weeks, and I began to realize, hey, I haven't fallen yet. I honestly wondered why. I was sure I would, and should. The weeks passed, and I said, hey, I'm still not falling. I was puzzled, perplexed. And finally the day came when I realized, wow, I'm not going to fall. I saw clearly that it was Jesus who was bearing me up, at my weakest and most alienated, when I couldnt begin to bear myself. Jesus the one I had turned my back on, had never abandoned me.
This was the turning point. I began to see Jesus' keeping power when we cannot keep ourselves. I began to experience His amazing love in ways I could not have dreamed of. Indeed, that was precisely the reason He allowed me to fail so He could convince me of the very kind of love I needed but had been missing all my life. At the very moment I expected to be read the riot act, I found mercy:
Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. -Hos 2.14
Now, Jesus is Lord, and He can deal with various people exactly the way He wants, and without consulting with me. Nonetheless, He has circumscribed His actions with His Word, and where His Word speaks clearly we can rely on that as a guide.
Having become man and died for our sins, does it make sense that He would want to load malignant fears on us? Or alleviate them? Are these fears making you look to Jesus as the Author and Finisher of your faith? Or do they turn you inward toward your own performance?
For we are the circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh -Php 3.3Clearly, our strength is in Christ alone. He is faithful even when we are not. Any looking to our own performance whether it be failures or successes, so judged, will lead us away from Him who is our hope.
Blessings,
Paul
This last statement (in red) contains and accusation against God (you infer that Jesus is notThank you-I really appreciate you telling me about that vision. It was close to what I saw in my vision, and what my friends saw...but the exception of mine was that I literally FELT my soul, or what I thought was the Holy Spirit leave. And I have struggled to try to get my relationship back ever since. Some days I do good, but when the spirit of rejection or fear comes on me, I am way, way too weak to fight it. And yeah, it's easy enough to say that Jesus is fighting it for me, but when you're covered with an oppressive heavy spirit so thick that it feels like a blanket suffocating you....well, it's hard.
This last statement (in red) contains and accusation against God (you infer that Jesus is not
on your side because evil is oppressing you) and so you need to ask for God's forgiveness
so that you can come to faith in His ability to deliver you from evil.
Sorry but I will not give power to your fears or your feelings
because I care too much about you to coddle you into complacency
and helplessness.
I will not talk the problem and thereby magnify it and empower it
as if it can stand against God and His power but instead I will give you the solution.
Read God's word that will empower you to know that the devil is a liar
and that with God all things are possible, even the destruction of the evil
that torments you.
Stop giving power to your "vision" and the evil it has brought into your life.
Feelings are not faith......
Feelings are not reality so fight the lies with the truth of God's word.
Faith is the weapon that sends the devil running.
Faith is the key that unlocks God's blessings.
Faith brings forgiveness and and peace and causes the enemy to flee.
Faith pleases God.
Romans 14:23
New King James Version (NKJV)
......... for whatever is not from faith is sin.
Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please Him,
for he who comes to God must believe that He is,
and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
May God bless you and lead you to His truth and may
He impart to you greater faith....
I will be praying for you tonight.....
What you stated does not make sense. How can a sin remain unforgiven now when Jesus' death was over 2000 years ago? Did he die for our current (ie all) sins then, or not? And if not, how does Jesus then deal with our present sins?
John
NZ
Thank you-I really appreciate you telling me about that vision. It was close to what I saw in my vision, and what my friends saw...but the exception of mine was that I literally FELT my soul, or what I thought was the Holy Spirit leave. And I have struggled to try to get my relationship back ever since. Some days I do good, but when the spirit of rejection or fear comes on me, I am way, way too weak to fight it. And yeah, it's easy enough to say that Jesus is fighting it for me, but when you're covered with an oppressive heavy spirit so thick that it feels like a blanket suffocating you....well, it's hard.