The time has come... Part II

[christianfilmcrew]

As the other thread degenerated into somethings else I will make this statement: Okay I'm not going to debate with people over the counsellor. I have been learning from experience to trust my instincts as they have always proven 100% correct, most of the time I would ignore them only to find out that my instincts were right on the whole time...

The issue is my wife is trying to control and dominate me and is very aggressive. I have just figured out something that has been going on and she did it to her first husband also...

She's trying to make a divorce happen, but she's trying to do it in a way where she can blame me just like she did with her first husband. I don't know what to do. She's trying to put up a facade of 'working on the marriage' but is really just trying to manipulate and dominate.

She has no remorse over sin, and she is happily going down a path to destroy our marriage, all the while pretending she's trying to fix it.

I feel so lost and so helpless. I feel like there's no hope. No one seems to care, or even listen to what's happening.

I am stuck with an abusive manipulative spouse and the Bible says I can't divorce her because she hasn't committed adultery, and she appears to profess Christ.

I don't know what to do or where to go. No one seems to care. I'm in a strange country, and I have no support network. I have no money to go back to my home country and all I own is a couple of books, a video camera, a desk, some DVD's and this computer.

I sold everything to move to this country to meet this woman and look at marriage with her. Now I'm stuck and alone and all the christians want to do is judge instead of help. No one will listen to what's happened, no one believes the truth.

I haven't had a hug or any affection from anyone in two years, I haven't seen or heard from my friends in that long either. Now they're the other side of the pacific ocean...

 

[christianfilmcrew]

bump

 

[~Nikki~]

I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation because I know that everything must seem absolutely hopeless at the moment.

Actually what I wanted to do is to give you a few verses from the Bible which I believe are pertinent to your situation (I noticed from your posts that it's not your wife's first marriage)...

Please read the whole verse and not just the familiar statements because once you read past the first bit and read the last part it kind of adds extra meaning to the verse...

Matt 5:32
"But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except fornication causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery."

Matt 19:9
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for fornication, and marries another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

Mark 10:11-12
So He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery."

Luke 16:18
"Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery."

And because I know that some people will want to jump on me for quoting these verses, I'm not going to give my opinion on them, but can I suggest that you read them and pray about them and ask God what He means by them and ask Him to show you the truth and how to act upon the truth. It's just that if I give an opinion everyone will argue with me or tell me that actually they don't mean what they say but rather that they mean something else instead...and really my opinion doesn't count for anything anyway because it's what God says that matters. I'd rather give the verses - people can see what they say and if they have any argument can take it to God and argue His Word with Him.

Praying that the Lord will bless you richly as you seek Him and that He would give you wisdom, insight and understanding...

God bless you...

 

[E_Powers]

give your marriage to god, the only one who can change a heart and how someone feels is him. and once you give it to him dont do any thing that may affect your relationship unless you pray about it first. rely soley on gods advice and what he tell others to say to you.

 

[Southern Cross]

ChristianFilmCrew -

You are in a bad spot. First, I can identify with you on the manipulation stuff. You are an emotional wreck inside, and nothing is going to change that overnight. People in your situation can make bad decisions. And you've got an immigration status issue to work through as well.

You need a life. You need friends. You need to immediately go get involved in a decent church, and start building a network of friends who share common interests. Develop bonds with peoople outside your marriage. Enjoy life a little. Go out to dinner on a Saturday evening with your friends, leave the wife at home if she won't go with you.

You need to remain committed to your marriage. If she wants to destroy your marriage, there's nothing you can do to stop her - right now, only God can change her heart. But let her be the one to do it. I pray it won't happen, and there will be healing, but you need to stay in the game until the end.

My advice to you is to be as loving and caring as you can. Don't fake it, if all you can do is one nice thing for her a day, that's all you can do. If she does something destructive, shrug it off, just make the choice to love her. Don't be like a puppet on strings - that's what a manipulative spouse wants. Establish and keep emotional and physical boundaries.

There has been infidelity in my marriage, and sometimes I could care less if my marriage ends because the pain on both sides was almost too much to bear. But we are still together, and although the future doesn't look too great for us, we are trying to treat each other with respect. I understand how you feel, and then some. But I'm telling you, don't do anything stupid. I know it hurts, but give yourself more time so you can think clearly, pray, and understand what you are to do. Once you decide to stay in the marriage no matter what, it gives you boundaries to operate within and then you can make the appropriate decisions.

On the other hand, you also need to do little things to protect yourself. Seperate bank accounts. Watch your credit. Get your name off her credit cards and vice versa. Put some emergency money away. Know ehre your joint income is being spent. Start networking for another job right away in case you need a second job until your immigration status is cleared up.

I hope things turn out for the best. Don't lose faith no matter what happens. And, please, don't do anything really stupid. No matter how much she aggravates you, don't raise your voice and don't hit her, push her, or even touch her when you are angry (some men will snap). Simply go take a long walk if necessary.

I have a spouse who I am 99% sure was planning how to end our marriage in her best favor for almost two years, and during that time she made the choice to pursue an affair and get involved in a fantasy life. Once I found out all the details, it made it easier for me to deal with it. So, while others may disagree, I think it is your right to start digging a bit deeper into her personal life to find out what's really going on so you can put a stop to it. Does she have her own computer? Her own cell phone account? Her own credit cards? those are places you can start looking. Sometimes you need to drag out all the dirt so you can start to repair things. God gave you a brain, please use it. If you find bad stuff going on, don't confront her right away. Seek God's counsel on it first. Trust me, it makes things a lot better.

Finally - if you are looking for people to agree with you that you should end the marriage, don't look here. Most people will tell you to stick with it until the very end. I think a few might feel differently if there was blatant infidelity involved, but it seems to me you are saying she hasn't cheated.

 

[Yitzchak]

I am praying for you................

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Thanks guys, today she once again tried to manipulate by calling security. It's a long story that I'll fill in details on soon. This time instead of being afraid I decided it was time to go talk to security with her. She's got a long history of calling security and the police on people and she thinks there is nothing wrong with that.

Security was really nice to me. I think they could see what was going on... Security and I stood around outside talking for about 5 mins, they knew what I was going through. It's strange how God can give grace. I wasn't afraid, upset or nervous. Security was just doing their job and we were all laughing about it as we discussed what had happened... Of course by company law they had to issue a trespass warning, which is no problem for me, it was just time to call my wife's bluff. I don't know if this will be enough to shock her awake about how she is behaving.

She is very very close to having to deal with divorce lawyers. I just don't know how someone can so readily misuse authority like that. I know my conscience is clear, even the security team knew that I hadn't done anything wrong. The question I ask is, 'am I willing to throw away my life with this woman because she is mentally unstable and calls the police on anybody and everybody?' No. Even my counsellor today said I had options available to me, and she voiced something I had been thinking. She asked if I thought my wife was trying for a divorce but in a way that she could blame me for it. Honestly the answer to that is yes. She did it to her first husband and now she's trying it on with me. I'm not filing for divorce, but I will file for legal separation. That will protect me financially and physically at the same time. I wouldn't want to divorce her because I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of being able to blame me the way she did and still does with her first husband.

This whole situation is so screwed up.

 

[E_Powers]

GOD is the only fix for this situation.

 

[Big Mouth Nana]

You need a life. You need friends. You need to immediately go get involved in a decent church, and start building a network of friends who share common interests. Develop bonds with peoople outside your marriage. Enjoy life a little. Go out to dinner on a Saturday evening with your friends, leave the wife at home if she won't go with you.

I agree with you to a point Southern Cross. He should find a body of believers, get involved in a good church, but the leaving the wife at home on a Saturday night, I disagree with. He is already having problems, and that is just going to make the wife madder then H-E double tooth picks...if you get my meaning? Now if it is a Saturday night church function, then by all means go. Going out to dinner with friends, and church are two different things. If she gets mad over that, then who knows, she might get lonely herself, and decide to attend. Get her butt in the door anyway, and trust the Holy Spirit to do His job on her.
We women are different then men on our feelings. If I was in the same situation as christianfilmcrew, and my hubby went out to dinner with friends, I would be furious!!! Going to church, even the heathen won't usually try to stop you there.

Finally - if you are looking for people to agree with you that you should end the marriage, don't look here. Most people will tell you to stick with it until the very end. I think a few might feel differently if there was blatant infidelity involved, but it seems to me you are saying she hasn't cheated.

I agree with this. If infidelity comes into play, then God I'm sure would give His blessing.

 

[Big Mouth Nana]

I'm not filing for divorce, but I will file for legal separation. That will protect me financially and physically at the same time. I wouldn't want to divorce her because I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of being able to blame me the way she did and still does with her first husband.

Chrsitianfilmcrew, does your wife work, or are you the "bread winner" in the family? Did she get alimony from her first husband? She defiantely sounds like she has a mental problem....but God can heal those. I agree that legal seperation would be the best bet right now for your protection. You call the shots for once, and don't let this woman "rule your roost" and be domineering any longer. If it is meant to be for you to be together, then God will fix the situation. I still stick by my PM to you on the "America" situation and you being here. Bless You..BMN

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Hey I need to clarify something. My wife moved out of the apartment nearly 6 months ago now. I'm almost set for my own one bedroom apartment but it looks like I might come up short financially... Hopefully my church might be able to help...

 

[Big Mouth Nana]

Hey I need to clarify something. My wife moved out of the apartment nearly 6 months ago now. I'm almost set for my own one bedroom apartment but it looks like I might come up short financially... Hopefully my church might be able to help...

Well gee, you didn't tell me that!!! How do you know that your wife has been faithful if she moved out 6 months ago? Six months is quite awhile. Are you with her every minute? Are you absolutely sure that she doesn't have a boyfriend some where? In most cases, there is either a boyfriend or girlfriend in the picture if someone is wanting out of a relationship. I would be trusting to a point, but I think that I would draw a fine line in the sand on this one . She already sounds like she is a few shingles shy of a full load mentally christianfilmcrew. Are you even sure that you want this relationship to resume? Better pray about this one real hard. BMN