- Nov 24, 2007
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In an effort to put this issue to rest once and for all (which, I'm sure, will be futile but no harm in trying), I have constructed this chart to demonstrate why nice guys are so often wrongly maligned.
There is a tendency to conflate the "nice guy" with someone who is passive or weak, and (inconsistently, to a lesser extent) to associate jerks with strength or bravery. People try to construct a linear scale with weak, passive nice men on once side, and strong, assertive bad boys on the other.
However, there are two separate axes to that issue. By conflating them, people misrepresent all the possible types of people that can lie on the chart. So I have made a chart to demonstrate something closer to the truth. One axis represents "nice guys" vs. "jerks"; the other axis represents passivity vs. assertion.
As you can see, there are different kinds of jerks, and different kinds of nice guys.
There are passive nice guys: the wimps that constitute the usual strawman of those who criticize nice guys. They tend do be self-pitying or self-loathing, wishy-washy, and while they try not to hurt other people they may blame others for their problems. They will also let themselves be trampled by the objects of their affection. They, along with the next sort of person, are those who are described as "putting women on a pedestal" and pandering to women without regard for their own emotional and spiritual well-being.
There are passive jerks, who we could call passive-aggressive, manipulators, whiners, and the like. They have a sense of entitlement, and really don't care much for the feelings or needs of others, but prefer to use wheedling and guilt instead of domination to get their way. Like the wimp, they may place women on a pedestal, but rather than servility, they engage in pitymongering, threats of abandonment, and subtle insults.
There are assertive jerks, or bullies. These are the straight-up A-holes that openly ridicule and hurt others out of spite. The typically-imagined abuser would probably fall into this category.
And then there are the other sort of nice guys, the ones that always seem to be left out of these conversations. Though they are kind-hearted and do not wish to hurt other people, they are not obsequious or indecisive. They are polite, but they stand up for themselves. They have ambition, but they prefer to take others with them instead of stepping on them on the way up.
I made this chart in defense of the last kind of man. I think that there are far more of them than people - both the girls who tend to lump them in the friendzone along with the wimps, and the jerks who think that domination is a virtue - give credit for.
There is a tendency to conflate the "nice guy" with someone who is passive or weak, and (inconsistently, to a lesser extent) to associate jerks with strength or bravery. People try to construct a linear scale with weak, passive nice men on once side, and strong, assertive bad boys on the other.
However, there are two separate axes to that issue. By conflating them, people misrepresent all the possible types of people that can lie on the chart. So I have made a chart to demonstrate something closer to the truth. One axis represents "nice guys" vs. "jerks"; the other axis represents passivity vs. assertion.
As you can see, there are different kinds of jerks, and different kinds of nice guys.
There are passive nice guys: the wimps that constitute the usual strawman of those who criticize nice guys. They tend do be self-pitying or self-loathing, wishy-washy, and while they try not to hurt other people they may blame others for their problems. They will also let themselves be trampled by the objects of their affection. They, along with the next sort of person, are those who are described as "putting women on a pedestal" and pandering to women without regard for their own emotional and spiritual well-being.
There are passive jerks, who we could call passive-aggressive, manipulators, whiners, and the like. They have a sense of entitlement, and really don't care much for the feelings or needs of others, but prefer to use wheedling and guilt instead of domination to get their way. Like the wimp, they may place women on a pedestal, but rather than servility, they engage in pitymongering, threats of abandonment, and subtle insults.
There are assertive jerks, or bullies. These are the straight-up A-holes that openly ridicule and hurt others out of spite. The typically-imagined abuser would probably fall into this category.
And then there are the other sort of nice guys, the ones that always seem to be left out of these conversations. Though they are kind-hearted and do not wish to hurt other people, they are not obsequious or indecisive. They are polite, but they stand up for themselves. They have ambition, but they prefer to take others with them instead of stepping on them on the way up.
I made this chart in defense of the last kind of man. I think that there are far more of them than people - both the girls who tend to lump them in the friendzone along with the wimps, and the jerks who think that domination is a virtue - give credit for.