The Long Road

[raebabe]

Over 5 years ago I lost twins to stillbirth and early twin loss. There were miscarriages to deal with as well. In 2009 after a misscairrage I found out I have a genetic disorder. It's not as rare as I wish it were but my specific genes affected are rare.

Point is, I don't know how to relate to people. I stopped going to church in 2010. We don't really talk about god much here.

We are infertile. Two weeks ago I had my tubes tied. I'm catholic. The only thing that gave me any comfort in all these years was knowing I couldn't have another baby that would die. The chances were so small that I would ever have a healthy baby bue I was fertile enoug to keep losing them. I had so much peace before and after. With NFP I had people with the church suggest pregnancy or tell me they were praying I would choose to get pregnant.

It's already so hard knowing you'll never have living children of your own. My husband does not want to adopt so I knew doing this meant the end to Motherhood.

It's not an easy choice but the church says it's the wrong one. If you knew me you would know all I've thought about for years is having kids.

I know we are supposed to carry our crosses and I didn't do that. Thing is I ache for a child. I know I could never have one on my own. I wast so much to have a circle of friends to relate to. I've finally met a few women with similiar stories. But there is still this emptiness where kids were meant to be.

I don't want to grieve any more. I'm tired of knowing my only children living in a cemetary. I never wanted to be barren.

I just keep thinking I'm going to die alone. I wish my husband could understand how important it was for me to at least try to adopt.

I can't imagine any pain greater or any emptiness that feels more vast.

 

[RuthD]

I have felt the pain of wanting children so badly, too. If I were you I'd invite your hubby to go to a marriage counselor so maybe he will see how very important adoption is to you. It is a great thing to do. I'm sorry he is being that way. Praying here.

 

[raebabe]

Thank you Ruth. He's told me he'll never change his mind about adoption. I need to cope and acclamate to a life without kids. I've been very upset but I shared a little with a woman in my support group and talked with my Mom about it. I bought some books on living child free, not by choice. He knows I'm upset but this is something that is non-negotiable for him. Unless some one gives us a baby I don't think he'll ever choose adoption. I got to a point where I even talked with him about more cost-effective ways to have kids. I guess I figured I had a TL so I might as well go all the way. But even then he wouldn't choose to have kids. There was too much chance and he doesn't see the option as worth it. I don't think I have anything left in me to hope but prayers from others in my weakness are more than welcome. thank you.

 

[RuthD]

I'm praying that all things work out for you.

 

[rossignol]

I think I may be feeling a similar thing as you. I was pregnant and lost my girl due to my boyfriend being violent. I had another miscarriage prior to that. It's hard.

I read, studied scripture and believe that if people aren't called to full time ministry, not to have families, our duty is to have families. I left an engagement over a decade ago and now I don't date a lot, but still want a family. I don't want to date and force something cause of my desire for children. I'm getting a lot older and think it's better for me to give up and that may free me to love and be another person for God.

I couldn't be around kids for a long time but now I have cousins who have kids and good friends with kids and I love taking care of them. I think all of my mothering instinct may be good to be the best aunt ever. I also think I may want to foster children in the future.

What we have in common is the loss of the idea we won't birth children while we still have the inherent need to mother, as well as feeling a child in you and giving birth. It's natural to feel this, it's instinct as well as a blessing from God we won't have. God won't leave us tortured, He is there to answer our prayers and longings in ways that we don't see. Have faith.