I don't want to be beat up here so please be gentle--but may I point out something?
My ex had more than 13 affairs that I can prove: 4-5 physical sexual affairs and the rest were online cybersex email affairs with webcam or illicit email. Most likely there were FAR MORE that I can't prove, but 13 is plenty. He was verbally abusive, mentally abusive, emotionally abusive and physically abused me and my pets. He was not a Christian. If anyone has "the right" to put the blame on their ex for a divorce, it would be me.
Does blame need to be administered faith?
Here's the issue, as I see it. He behaved poorly and this is a fact, but it is also equally true that in response to his bad choices and onslaught of abuse in every possible way that * I * made choices that were sinful and which ARE
my problem. I have a perfect example too. After probably a year of telling me that the affair I suspected was all in my head and I was paranoid, I received a receipt in the mail from a SUPER fancy hotel for Mr. and Mrs. (LastName) and an undergarment (not mine) saying that they hoped we enjoyed our stay! Obviously *I* had not been the one accompanying him, and now I had solid proof that it wasn't just "all in my head" so I went to his office and slapped him across the face.
I can relate to this faith. I too was just as sinful as my ex. I would challenge him physically and fight with him. It was very bad on both ends. Even though I was provoked and knew it wasn't right it took a very wise Christian counselor to explain "Battered Women Syndrome" and it took years to reverse the effects that had been caused.
It was at this time I was challenged to allow the Lord to show me how He seen me. I also was challenged to make the Lord my husband and God my father. It was the first deepest spiritual growth I expereinced in my 11 year relationship. The second growth spurt came after I was able to acheive what was presented and put into pracitce.
Now...all of you may be thinking, "WELL good heavens that's understandable. He had it coming!" (which I believe he did
) but the abuse and infidelity does not excuse me from my choice to use physical violence against him.
I am responsible for that.
Yes you are faith. Again though it's an amazing thing how the mind works. And how we react is very important. Be angry but do not sin, and love the sinner but hate the sin are two cornerstone verses I dealt with mentally. However I still went crazy.
And that is what people mean when they say "...it's a bad sign when someone doesn't admit to some fault in the ending of a marriage." You all can point fingers and blame all you want--I'm not here to judge you. But in your next relationship nothing will change if you don't STOP looking at the piece of toothpick in your ex's eye and put your focus onto the piece of wood in your own eye! As an example, when my ex and I divorced, I did go to about 1.5 years of anger management voluntarily so that I could learn how to express my anger more appropriately and in a more godly manner. I don't care WHAT my spouse does, *I* am the one responsible for my response even in anger.
This is fantastic. I dealt with my part of the issues in a different way, but overall it was the same effect. Now as my children are of age I tell them the exacts of what I did. When they were little I said nothing about what took place. Eventually they began to see their dad in other relationships and by the time they were 12 had questions.
Even then I did not talk bad about the man but encouraged them to see the "good" in him. This became harder as they moved into their teen years. He talked horrible about me, but I remained silent.
The fact is that my ex was really, REALLY,
REALLY far from perfect, but that does not alleviate me from my personal responsibility or from the consequences of my choices. I screamed at him. I said things deliberately to hurt him. I judged him disrespectfully. I called him names. I did not keep up with letting him know that I liked and respected him (probably because he behaved in unlikable and unrespectable ways). I did not want to meet his emotional needs because he was hurting me.
Again I too did these things, after the first three years of my marriage. The things I had to confess and overcome while still dealing with his unsolicited affairs left me like a yo-yo. It took a lot of time and he became furious with me claiming the counceling was changing me... insisting I stop.
The counceling was teaching me not to be an enabler. So many things I had done I learned to quit. This included the yelling, screaming, and physical abuse... not to mention all the things I felt I "had to do".
Does this make sense? His HORRID behavior does not release me to behave badly back. So I do take responsibility for my part of the divorce and although I do not think the percentage of responsibility was even close to equal, that doesn't matter one bit. I am responsible for what I did and chose to do. Now, would you still like to continue to point fingers at your ex and blame, or would you like to humbly take a look at yourself and consider what maybe you did do? Just because you ex chose to sin does not mean you are "entitled" to sin back. Your ex is not here. You are! So let's start with YOU and keep the focus, not on "What they did" because you can't change that. You CAN change you! Work on your own self and become a more godly person and become the man or woman that G-d INTENDED for you to be!
. Try to keep hold of the truth. If you remained loyal you will so richly rewarded.
