the importance of Virginity?

[Wiccan_Child]

No it hasn't helped but maybe it gave her some perspective on what it means to hurt people's feelings. Posters like Reminisce remind me of why I started the thread "Why are girls so mean to girls". Because do you think she would pick on you in the same way?

Yes. Nothing she said couldn't have been said by a guy.

It's because she's a girl and I'm a girl. She doesn't have the courage to pick on a guy or anything. I bet she is just an insecure girl who's really confused and stupid.

Yes, because that's totally not how you've come across in all of this.

Let's review: she made a remark, you reacted, she apologised and professed her innocent intentions. You, however, have not stopped barking on about it, repeatedly insulting her. While it's unclear whether her remarks were meant to be insulting, your remarks have no such ambiguity. You've acted much worse than she has.

 

[quatona]

No it hasn't helped

Ok.

but maybe it gave her some perspective on what it means to hurt people's feelings.

Maybe? I´ll ask you again (because I think it is important for everyone to let go off counterproductive strategies): Have you ever seen this happen? I haven´t.

Posters like Reminisce remind me of why I started the thread "Why are girls so mean to girls".

Your posts here made me think of that thread, too. In particular, what your part may be in experiencing such escalations.

Because do you think she would pick on you in the same way?

I don´t know. I can´t tell. FWIW, I have perceived girls "picking on" me before - if that helps.

It's because she's a girl and I'm a girl.

Don´t forget the bolded part when you are about to assume gender to be part of the problem (which I personally don´t).

She doesn't have the courage to pick on a guy or anything.

That´s quite an assumption. Making uncharitable assumptions about other persons will intoxicate your thinking and your feelings, and they will determine your perceptions in a negative way.

I bet she is just an insecure girl who's really confused and stupid.

Do you like your idea that this is what she is, or do you dislike your idea?

 

[Reminisce]

Rose,

Can we settle this, please? What I said was stupid but it was said as a joke, because your post sounded like you were trying to make it seem like sex is nothing. And you are wrong about that. But my remark was childish and I said I'm sorry (many times) and people called me out on it, too.

What you've said about me now is actually quite hurtful because you don't know anything about me or how I lost my virginity (let's just say I regret it, bigtime) and although I have been able to get over it, your comments about me being "proud of opening my legs" just managed to rip open old wounds and I don't think I deserve that.

I think you should apologize to me the way I apologized to you so we can move on. We both said stupid things. And what you said about me being rude and mean to others, what do you base that on? Do you follow me around the forum? I treat people the way they treat me. Maybe I am outgoing and sometimes say things without thinking, but I'm not mean, like you said. You don't know me. A lot of people know me on this forum, for example through Skype. You should ask them before judging me. And I don't care whether you are a girl or guy, I'm not scared of anyone.

Remy

 

[RoadWarrior]

OK you've all made your points that I was bullying her or whatever, I don't need a thousand people to comment on it ok, it was an innocent joke, what's the big deal

Reminisce, you should be so proud that you've opened your legs before marriage and I have not. Congratulations. How old are you? You talk like you're in highschool. I'm sure you felt very proud and smart with your legs apart like that.

Now you're doing the same to Reminisce, Rose.

If we believe people should be free to live their lives and make choices which are only answerable to God (free will), then, IMO, it is sinful to coerce or bully them. Teaching, persuading or encouraging is one thing, but ridiculing or attacking them is not in keeping with God's gift of free will.

 

[UnamSanctam]

Reminisce, you should be so proud that you've opened your legs before marriage and I have not. Congratulations. How old are you? You talk like you're in highschool. I'm sure you felt very proud and smart with your legs apart like that.

Totally uncalled for!

 

[RoseOfJesus]

Remy I know that many people know you in the Singles forum which is in the CHRISTIAN section of the forum and it has the following statement of purpose "A forum for the support of single members or Christians with the gift of celibacy." Have you told the people there that you are not a virgin? Maybe I should tell them. You are a hypocrite. How many people have you slept with? And then you make fun of others for not having slept with any. Quite pathetic actually.

 

[peckaboo]

Remy I know that many people know you in the Singles forum which is in the CHRISTIAN section of the forum and it has the following statement of purpose "A forum for the support of single members or Christians with the gift of celibacy." Have you told the people there that you are not a virgin? Maybe I should tell them. You are a hypocrite. How many people have you slept with? And then you make fun of others for not having slept with any. Quite pathetic actually.

This is bang out of order. I've just been lurking on this thread until now and not actually said anything, but threatening to "tattle" on people to another section of the forum is beyond the pale.

Whether you've slept with zero people or one person or a hundred people, that's between you and God, and nobody else. If God's given you the grace to remain a virgin, that's a blessing from Him, for which you should be thankful. If you haven't remained a virgin, the onus is on you to confess that to God and ask His forgiveness, which He gives freely, and then stay away from that lifestyle.

Rose, I realise you feel hurt and angry, and that's unfortunate. But bringing up another person's past sins - which they've confessed and received forgiveness for - is like denying God's ability to forgive them and redeem them from their past. God doesn't see Reminisce in the way you've depicted her in this thread, like some promiscuous woman of the night, and you don't have the right to call someone unclean whom He has made clean.

 

[UnamSanctam]

Have you told the people there that you are not a virgin? Maybe I should tell them. You are a hypocrite. How many people have you slept with? And then you make fun of others for not having slept with any. Quite pathetic actually.

That's the lamest threat I've ever seen!
"I'll tell some people on an internet forum!"

snip

Well said, sir.

 

[RoseOfJesus]

peckaboo, what's the difference? If Remy can say to people "look she is 24 and still a virgin! lol!" then why can't I say "Look! Remy has had someone inside her vagina! *points and laughs*"

It's the same thing. I was going to apologize to her but she should see that it's the same thing and I'm repaying her with the same medicine. If she is so ashamed to not be a virgin, why is she making fun of other people for being virgins?

 

[peckaboo]

As I said to you earlier, I don't think her comment about you being 24 was aimed at you. I think she was just answering the person who said "I'm not comfortable talking about this with you because you might be a minor." I also don't think her earlier comment, "The words of a virgin" was intended to belittle you; I think she was just saying that you don't realise what a precious thing your virginity is because you still have yours. Like "you don't miss the water until the well dries up".

But in any case, she apologised that what she'd said had been hurtful to you, and then let the matter drop. Even if she hadn't, when did repaying someone with what you perceive to be their own medicine become an admirable thing to do? If you want to go down that road, by all means do so, but expect that people will pull you up on it the same as they pull anyone else up who talks or acts inappropriately or unkindly.

 

[RoseOfJesus]

As I said to you earlier, I don't think her comment about you being 24 was aimed at you. I think she was just answering the person who said "I'm not comfortable talking about this with you because you might be a minor." I also don't think her earlier comment, "The words of a virgin" was intended to belittle you; I think she was just saying that you don't realise what a precious thing your virginity is because you still have yours. Like "you don't miss the water until the well dries up".

But in any case, she apologised that what she'd said had been hurtful to you, and then let the matter drop. Even if she hadn't, when did repaying someone with what you perceive to be their own medicine become an admirable thing to do? If you want to go down that road, by all means do so, but expect that people will pull you up on it the same as they pull anyone else up who talks or acts inappropriately or unkindly.

I don't care what she does or with whom, but she has admitted to not being a virgin and yet she posts in the CHRISTIAN part of the forum, the singles section which emphazises celibacy. How is that not being a hypocrite? I wasn't going to actually tell on her, but I'm saying that if her Christian friends there found out what she's been doing, they might not like her so much.

 

[Larry Mondello]

Originally Posted by groups postings
If I could do it all over again, wouldn't have had sex my sr. yr. of HS.
Though only had it a handful of times, and wisely got out of it after a condom scare made me question whether that was something I really needed to be doing @17-18, methinks it messed me up and harmed my view of women -- and how I reacted toward them ( and being fully aware what I was capable of doing toward them ) in dating during my 20s after I became a Christian the next year in college.

Funny how I can vividly recall many things about that incident, but not how I reacted after I ended her virginity. Would like to think I cared for and reassured her.... held her close and "was there' for her, but my mind is blank on that part....
Truthfully, you NEVER forget your first experience. NEVER....

As an aside, recently sent an email to her and apologized for my behavior and not being the man I should have been toward her. Even 30+ years later, it still gives me guilt feelings for getting sexually involved with her.
Though I wasn't a Christian at the time, we both felt intense guilt about it and knew it was wrong....

Reading her facebook page, I see she's married and big into Catholicism, returning prayer to school, against abortion, etc., so figured some Christian forgiveness would be in order.
All I got for a response was
"....Please don't contact me again.....":o

I'm sorry your ex responded to your email the way she did. I'm sure that hurt. Honestly, I think it's great that you still obviously care for her well-being now and you obviously did then too, even if you feel you made a mistake.

I just hate to see someone feeling such guilt over sex. Especially sex that happened so long ago that it sounds like she wanted and was a good experience for her. I mean, hey... she could have lost hers the way I lost mine. Doesn't sound to me like it was like that at all. That's something, at least. I hope you can find peace with it.

Yeah, stung a little.
Didn't really expect her reply.
Wasn't trying to get back together in any way, shape or form.

Chajara,
Thanks for your kind words. And perspective.

As you know, I started a thread on this topic, but look at me, a supposed Christian, who can't seem to forget about that and lets past guilt get to me.
Religious people: Did you feel any guilt when you lost your virginity?

Actually, I don't really think of that HS GF that much -- just in the last couple of years as I got close to turning 50... and felt that need to "apologize" to her....

That experience wasn't anything nearly as difficult as the devastation I experienced with a 30 y.o. virgin I dated @26
(a NEAR-fiance ) who like killed me when she dumped me after 6 mos....
That was my first adult relationship.

So, like I said, I think that early sex messed me up and harmed my views and interactions with women.


***Trying to steer this thread back on-topic...

 

[peckaboo]

Ok, firstly, not being a virgin definitely does not preclude you from being a Christian (nor from posting in the Christian part of the forum. You don't get to decide who is and isn't a Christian, not to mention that, if we're going to be sticklers for the rules of the forums, one of them is that we're not to imply that people aren't "real" Christians. Sex outside of marriage is a sin, but it's not a "worse" sin than anything else. The concept of some sins being extra-bad is entirely something that we've made up; it's not in the BIble. So if only sinless people can post here we'd better all get the heck out.
Secondly, the singles part of the forum doesn't emphasize celibacy; it's for people who "are single OR have the gift of celibacy". There's nothing in there about "people who are single, ESPECIALLY those with the gift of celibacy".
Thirdly, I don't know everything she's posted everywhere, but she has talked openly (I don't know if it was in the singles forum or elsewhere) about her regret over having lost her virginity, so it's not like she's trying to keep up some big holy front and deny that she's ever sinned.

Come on Rose, I'm pretty sure you're better than this.

 

[peckaboo]

***Trying to steer this thread back on-topic...

Oops, sorry, didn't mean to hijack that! Think we posted at almost the same time. Yes, do let's get back on track

 

[Reminisce]

Rose, I have nothing more to say to you except that I feel sorry for you. You clearly have some kind of personal issues which you're taking out on me. And before you, who has never even talked to me before, try to lecture peckaboo on what I am like, maybe you should know that she is my personal friend and she knows me better than you will ever do. And with that, I'm done with this thread.

Oh,

P.S. What I do or don't do is none of your business, and I care more about the dirt under my shoe than I care about what you think of me.

Remy

 

[Larry Mondello]

Ok, firstly, not being a virgin definitely does not preclude you from being a Christian (nor from posting in the Christian part of the forum. You don't get to decide who is and isn't a Christian, not to mention that, if we're going to be sticklers for the rules of the forums, one of them is that we're not to imply that people aren't "real" Christians.

Sex outside of marriage is a sin, but it's not a "worse" sin than anything else. The concept of some sins being extra-bad is entirely something that we've made up; it's not in the BIble. So if only sinless people can post here we'd better all get the heck out.


.

This is true ( the sexual sin part. Not gonna get in this spat with the ladies ).

When I was in my early 20s in college and a new Christian, I wanted to date and marry a
"...godly, Christian virgin woman...."
Of course, I gave-up that "requirement" (it was more of a preference) as I got older and now realize a woman can be the first two without being the third.

Yes, "Christian" women (and men) have sex before marriage and also end up with many regrets.

Plus, many women, like the one I married and some I dated, though they weren't virgins, had only 1-2 partners, like a former fiance she had sex with before getting engaged (in my wife's case).
Or, she thought the guy loved her so gave it up to later learn he was a jerk.

My "preference" was also invalid as I wasn't a virgin.
Lost mine in HS @17-18 (before I became of faith).

I kinda laugh now thinking back how I thought as a new Christian, I "deserved" a virgin Christian woman in my 20s....
Knew they were out there... or any Christian women for that matter...
They just didn't know I existed...

However, what I wanted, and thought God would provide me, were different things.
Had wrong motives and expectations and needed to do some maturing.

A 30 y.o. virgin woman I dated @26, her like coming to tears when I honestly told her I wasn't a virgin (was I suppose to lie to her ??), that condemnation showed me some things too.
Wasn't promiscuous, and in actuality, had very little sex (4-5X)...

Men and women are human and make mistakes.
Even "dedicated" Christians fall to the trap of sin, sexual or not.

 

[RoseOfJesus]

Why is everyone acting like I started the bullying in this thread? Reminisce picked on me, rememeber? It's her fault.

You can all check my post history, I have never even insulted someone before, she is the only who dragged me down to her level.

 

[Mling]

Remy I know that many people know you in the Singles forum which is in the CHRISTIAN section of the forum and it has the following statement of purpose "A forum for the support of single members or Christians with the gift of celibacy." Have you told the people there that you are not a virgin? Maybe I should tell them. You are a hypocrite. How many people have you slept with? And then you make fun of others for not having slept with any. Quite pathetic actually.

Holy fudge crackers

Way to take people's sympathy and utterly *shred* it! This isn't a mud wrestling pit!

A thing you may not get: sex is *deeply* personal. I've seen people unable to function for the rest of the day because they got triggered with something that "opened up old wounds" from their sexual history.

No matter *what* somebody has done, you *don't* try to use their sexual past to hurt them.

She might have made a mistake--but you're just cruel.

Responding like this is like responding to somebody stepping on your toe by taking them home and cutting off their leg with a hacksaw.

You're utterly disgusting.

 

[RoseOfJesus]

So she gets away with being mean but I don't? OK. The words you use to describe me are way out of line by the way. I just gave her a taste of her own medicine. That's all I did. Why are people so shocked? You should be shocked at HER.

 

[Wiccan_Child]

So she gets away with being mean but I don't? OK. The words you use to describe me are way out of line by the way. I just gave her a taste of her own medicine. That's all I did. Why are people so shocked? You should be shocked at HER.

She didn't do anything that bad - it could easily have been a misunderstanding - and she apologised profusely. You, on the other hand, have repeatedly and unambiguously insulted her. Not only were you acting childish by giving her "a taste of her own medicine", you were a lot harsher than she was.

She doesn't get away with being mean, but neither do you. 'Tit for tat' is a terrible ethic to live by.