The Forbidden Path

[JesseRaymondBassett]

Below is an excerpt from my novel prologue. I will post more later.

The Forbidden Path
By Jesse Bassett
© 2005

Prologue-The Birth of the One:​

​

Tamara looked at the horse as she cautiously approached it. She whispered a prayer to her God that she would not be caught stealing. If she were caught, death certainly awaited her. Now only inches away from the horse, she climbed on. Grabbing on the reigns tightly, the horse sped off into the night. She looked forward and saw that she was entering the Great Meadow. The Great Meadow was known throughout Erstia for its snake population. If Tamara was not careful, she could become a victim of an Anaconda, or worse, a Python.

The horse refused to enter the swamp. Every time she tried to nudge the beast forward, it only walked back. A sigh escaped her lungs as she got off the horse. Riding would do her no good if her steed wouldn’t obey her. She got her walking stick and pulled her hood up. Rain began to fall from the sky and she advanced into the meadow. It would have to be on foot from here. Tamara looked around her and saw the tall grass that made the meadow famous.

Gripping her hand on her walking stick, she continued on the path before her. An hour must have passed before she realized she was lost. It was not a good thing to be lost in the Great Meadow. For one thing there was the constant threat of snakes, and the other was the chance of being found or rescued. If anyone was traveling the Roaschel Trail, it would be very unlikely that they would find Tamara alive. A bird flew over her and made a cawing noise. It was a crow.

The crow was revered throughout the empire for being the communication link to the Gods. Tamara looked around her and then to the sky. Usually she was able to tell where she was by looking at the stars. However on this particular night, there were no stars to be found. This puzzled her and also frightened her. It seemed as if there was no hope for her. However in her heart, Tamara knew she would live through this. She had to. The king’s life depended on her own life.


Comments or questions? I just wrote this earlier today. I am working on completing the prologue tonight

 

[dianalee4jc]

Hi Jesse,

Thanks for posting this... I hope my comments can be of some help to you.

This prologue is full of action, but unfortunately I don't feel that it is grounded, either in the character or in the setting. Tamara steals a horse... from where is she stealing it? Is the horse simply in the middle of a field grazing, or in an enclosure? The horse has reins, which it would not be wearing if it were out to pasture even for the night.

Why did she steal the horse? Give the reader some clue that there is some urgent need, not just theivery.

How far did she go on the horse? There is no sense of her traveling a long distance.

More detail is needed. Not lengthy expositions, but something included with the action that would make the reader feel like he or she is there with the character. This could be things like the character gasping in humid/foul smelling/fresh air, feeling cold (or hot in spite of the cold), experiencing fear of being trapped in a mountain pass or being seen in the middle of an open field, jumping at the sound of a crow's call, etc.

There is a difference between a meadow and a swamp.

Pythons and anacondas are both constrictors, but the anaconda is generally larger (except for one species of python), and is always heavier. Anacondas are semi-aquatic. Pythons are generally not agressive toward humans, except when disturbed (which could be said of any snake), so the anaconda is probably more dangerous to humans. Finally, the two species are found in different regions of the world... you have placed them both in the same place. BUT... if this novel is to be fantasy, you would be better off creating some kind of snakes rather than using ones that have already known characteristics that seem to contradict your story (more fun that way, anyway).

You mentioned that it was not a good thing to be lost in the Great Meadow (you should probably come up with a different name, unless you want these people to appear very primative), but then you said that she could be found or "rescued." This seems to be a contradiction.

...communicatoin link to the gods (make it a small "g").

She should not be puzzled by not being able to see the stars... since it's raining. (whoops.)

"The king's life depended upon her own life." Here is your hook. Running to something or from something, with no clue what that something is, is not really enough to entice your reader. Consider bringing this in earlier.

Just on the basis of my experience... some readers and some editors are not fond of prologues. Is there a definite reason to make this a prologue, and not just part of your first chapter?

Hope some of these comments have helped. I used to write science fiction/fantasy/horror and also edited an online magazine, so what I am saying here is drawn from what I learned then.

Hope to see more soon!

Cheers,
Diana

 

[JesseRaymondBassett]

I will definately take your comments into consideration. Thank-you and Merry Christmas

 

[SamanthaOfHope]

hello

i thought this was a nice piece of writing it just needed a little more tweeking , and i think diana gave you wonderful advice to set you on track to where you wish to be all in all, i liked this very much and i hope you continue to post more okays?
good job