The Anti-Guide!

[Lessien]

....and not attacking. Even though the villain has access to large armies (and indeed, entire countries at his disposal), he has to wait until the callow youth destined to overthrow him has matured into a handsome young man to be defeated whilst trying to kill him.

Your villain must NEVER read the Evil Overlord's List. That list would offer helpful hints that would let the villain come close to winning, which we all know is unacceptable. Even though the idea is to let the hero struggle against insurmountable odds and succeed, we all know it's more satisfying to make the hero struggle against a powerful but stupid villain and, of course, win.

 

[Tariel]

Your hero must always also receive guidance from an old man, preferably one who knew the MC's father or other respected male relative. This old mad must die before the end of the first book, just in case the MC didn't have enough reason to hate the villian.

 

[Lessien]

Oh, yes. And the old man has to have HUGE stores of weaponry or AMAZING magical abilities and never use them. Even when doing so would help the MC or his friends, the old man can't do so. Why? It doesn't matter if even you don't know, because the reader doesn't need to know. Don't worry, the reader won't get frustrated with you.

 

[Tariel]

On the other hand, the old man is also allowed to suddenly develop incredibly powerful abilities with no explanation if necessary. Don't worry, the reader won't get frustrated with this either so don't bother with trying to come up with a reason.

 

[Lessien]

Exactly. And the old man's age doesn't keep him from traveling long distances without rest or complaining about his arthritis; no, in most cases the old man is stronger than our young hero. And he's never injured, unless that wound is fatal.

 

[CelticRose]

Remember: you are the greatest writer ever. There is nothing you can learn from another writer. They need to take lessons from you.

 

[Lessien]

Remember: you are the greatest writer ever. There is nothing you can learn from another writer. They need to take lessons from you.

Yes. And because of that, you don't need to come up with a plot, characters or even a world of your own. All you need to do is copy the plot of every other fantasy novel written, use the same archetypes used by all writers, and set it in Middle-Earth. Since you are, after all, the greatest writer ever, you can rewrite all those other novels and make them a million times better!

 

[sunstruckdream]

Have twelve main characters. Really. It's cool. Include their life stories that lets us know why they are the way they are. Oh, and by the way, all twelve of them have really beautiful and exotic names. Because clearly there aren't enough American girls running around high schools with the names Yasmiina and Loriannya! It's a revolution, people!

 

[Lessien]

And make sure all your main characters are freakishly talented--the ones you like, anyways. With the ones you don't like, make them butt-ugly F-students who worship their toenail clippings. With the ones you like, make them perfect and blond and beautiful--and give them perfect grades. And give them some talent--like playing the guitar really well or being able to fight off an army of Orcs (never mind that she's a cheerleader in our world. She'll go to Upper-Earth later.).

 

[sunstruckdream]

oh, and they all have perfect hair, skin and features.

the ones you like, anyway.

 

[Tariel]

Oh, and remember that girl the MC is rescuing? She's quite naturally wearing something highly impractical, yet oh-so-sexy. We know it's sexy, because whenever she shows up, you spend a page writing about how sexy her clothing is. Really. It's important.

 

[Snark]

Remember, any peasant child with a birthmark is the lost heir to something.

It's never just a birthmark.

 

[CelticRose]

Self~promote at any & every opportunity.

 

[Tariel]

Ancient Civilizations always have/had better technology than the modern day world. Nevermind the fact that they're all dead. Don't worry, you don't necessarily need an explanation for this either, but it works better if you include a very long and drawn out one that doesn't really make any sense - if even you don't really know what's going on, you did it right

 

[Pathfinder]

Don't copy anyone's style. Use your own.

 

[sunstruckdream]

Always have your villain make the fatal mistake of underestimating the hero at the one critical point in time in which the hero is not quite dead, but is battling his inner demons while writhing in mortal pain on the ground. The villain must stupidly assume the hero is finished - never mind the fact that the villain's a mastermind who plotted the downfall of the world. He's still dumb enough to do this. The hero, of course, must promptly dredge up enough fury and strength to leap to his feet and dismantle the villain's entire plan with the last mustered stroke of his superhuman strength.

 

[Lessien]

When a character is a hybrid of two species, that character has all of the stregnths and none of the weaknesses. For example, if your character is a half fairy, half vampire, she will have tiny fangs, perfect hair, the ability to go out in sunlight and magical abilities. She won't be a bloodthirsty creature with powerful magical abilities who is allergic to sunlight and needs blood just to survive. No, that is called making your character weak, and that's not cool, boo-boo.

 

[oncewaslost]

oh, you're mc (the one that's rescuing that beautiful girl who's perfect in every way and saving the world from some no name villain that popped up out of no where) must not get injured. he's not allowed because that would ruin his perfectness. if he does happen to get injured it must not be severe. he must continue the quest and rescue his girl who is doing everything she can to escape on her own and not whistling a merry tune while she sits at her window and charms all forms of wildlife. your hero's injuries, no matter how severe, will never slow him down. in fact, he won't even feel them past the initial cause.

 

[Lessien]

If those injuries leave scars, they must always be sexy ones. You know, a gash over the eye, a cut on the cheek, a slice on the wrist--all of those injuries leave sexy scars. The injuries can never be something like having half his face blown off or needing an arm amputated because those scars aren't sexy.

 

[Windlord]

When you MC pronounces his true love for the Princess, she will always accept it and return it just as fiercely. Always. She would never reject. Never be in love with someone else (well, unless that someone else dies of course.)

Peace,

Windlord.