The Actions Call to Me

[GlennK]

GlennK: I find that by NOT focusing on me and focusing on the power of God more, denying false claims is easier. I can trick myself no matter what I say. Lying to myself about good qualities or trying to reconvince myself about true ones isn't worth the effort. Reaching to the close hand of God and simply remembering who He is and who I am in Him works better for me. Your advice is some that I would give to others though. But I know myself too well by now to be starting with that.

Get those thoughts outta your head my man! You're not focusing on you, you're focusing on what God would have you focus on!!!

God doesn't view us the way we see ourselves: with addictions, problems, etc. God sees us as a perfection of Himself in Christ Jesus!

What did Jesus do when the storm was ensuing chaos? He said, "PEACE, Be still." He didn't say, "Oh Father, You know what's really going on and it's going to be rough, actually, this storm is so big and bad..." Absolutely not. Christ looked past the storm and said the answer.

Likewise in our life we need to focus on what's right and not what's wrong. The more we focus on the problems in our life, the more we will continue to sink. The more we focus on how we ARE strong, how we ARE confident, how we LOVE being sober, how we ARE emotionally strong, (those things on the list I talked about earlier) and how the love of God through Jesus Christ makes all this possible, the closer we get to where we want to be.

Christ said, "As thou hast believed so be it unto you." If you continue to believe you are in darkness, you will stay in darkness. But believe in where you want to be, and you will be there. And I know God gave me the idea of the lists I talked about earlier because of the change it's made in my life and I'm telling you now.

Nothing delights the devil more than for you to think you are just lying to yourself, making false statements, and just pointlessly reconvincing yourself about something that is not true. When the truth is, that is exactly what Christ WOULD have you think and do, because that's how He sees us.

So get that list out and start working on it!

 

[TheMainException]

Get those thoughts outta your head my man! You're not focusing on you, you're focusing on what God would have you focus on!!!

God doesn't view us the way we see ourselves: with addictions, problems, etc. God sees us as a perfection of Himself in Christ Jesus!

What did Jesus do when the storm was ensuing chaos? He said, "PEACE, Be still." He didn't say, "Oh Father, You know what's really going on and it's going to be rough, actually, this storm is so big and bad..." Absolutely not. Christ looked past the storm and said the answer.

Likewise in our life we need to focus on what's right and not what's wrong. The more we focus on the problems in our life, the more we will continue to sink. The more we focus on how we ARE strong, how we ARE confident, how we LOVE being sober, how we ARE emotionally strong, (those things on the list I talked about earlier) and how the love of God through Jesus Christ makes all this possible, the closer we get to where we want to be.

Christ said, "As thou hast believed so be it unto you." If you continue to believe you are in darkness, you will stay in darkness. But believe in where you want to be, and you will be there. And I know God gave me the idea of the lists I talked about earlier because of the change it's made in my life and I'm telling you now.

Nothing delights the devil more than for you to think you are just lying to yourself, making false statements, and just pointlessly reconvincing yourself about something that is not true. When the truth is, that is exactly what Christ WOULD have you think and do, because that's how He sees us.

So get that list out and start working on it!

You have no clue how angry you just made me. I was getting angrier and angrier as I read your post...but my self taught buddhism kicked in and I was like "What the heck? Why am I getting so angry?" and I stepped back to take a look at the bigger picture. I honestly think that your idea is a very good one...because if it weren't, I wouldn't be getting so angry ( probably not actually me, but the devil provoking me towards anger). Lists work for some people. I've tried them before, repeated so many phrases to myself...but Glenn, that's not really the issue with me. There is no doubt in my mind that who I am now is not who I was meant to be, that who I am now is a person working towards holiness. I don't need to state lies or future truths, I need to work on things, know where I need to give up my own claims to this world, and understand myself. I don't say anything about being unable to do things. I say...on my own, I am not capable of much, through God, all things can be conquered. God's on my side, I know that.

I know myself better than most people know either themselves or their spouses. I've come to realize that things like what you describe don't work for me. I'm at a different place than that in self awareness and psychology. I run laps around the exercise you described...partly because once you've begun to learn how something is held up, it holds no magic for you anymore. You start learning magic tricks and the tricks aren't tricks anymore...it's just hidden cards and quick hands. I'm not a doubter, or skeptic, I'm a psychologist and philosopher. I search the inner man and inner voice and debate with myself as to why a person does what a person does. This is how I spend the time in my head.

I really like what you said about the storm and saying the answer. I'm going to think about that and remember that.

 

[GlennK]

i don't know man you sound real, i've heard all that before. just do what i say and see if your life doesn't take a 180.

 

[TheMainException]

i don't know man you sound real, i've heard all that before. just do what i say and see if your life doesn't take a 180.

Glenn, I'm really confused as to why you keep pushing the issue so terribly hard. I've tried this before. I've done lists before. They aren't my style. And what's going on in my life have NOTHING to do with things that require lists. What concerns me is your "just do what I say..." Watch out for forceful words like that.

But last night, I was feeling some of the Darkness working its magic and I decided to go for one of my walks in the cold of night (it's winter and a cold night it was). The first walk I ever took like this was around 1 am on one of the coldest nights of the year. I was horribly depressed and wanted to throw myself into the two foot deep crusted snow and lie there until I stopped breathing from the cold or a trucker happened to see my frozen form along the highway and save me. It was a dark night in my soul. After two hours of walking, I was back in my dorm feeling the razor sharp prickles of my legs returning to life. I never reached any better of a feeling that night and still felt quite depressed. This walk I took last night, I decided to actively seek God instead of wallow in the Darkness. I sent the Darkness away and returned at peace. I chatted with God and had a very honest and real conversation with Him about what I was feeling. I woke this morning and knew joy. I know He heard me and whether I merely talked myself through it or He changed me or a little of both doesn't matter because I absolutely undeniably believe in God with almost no doubt whatsoever...it's just hard sometimes to focus and not doubt because I can't see Him.

A couple of nights ago though, I hadn't been so good at resisting the Darkness and took some DXM, but didn't trip. But feeling the release of taking it was amazing. When I get to that point, I just stop thinking. There's really no reasoning behind it...it just happens. I don't reason things out or find a rational place...it all goes out the window.

 

[TheMainException]

Aw man, this things really got a hold of me right now. There is this absolutely familiar thing about being back on campus and doing the same old same old the way I used to. It's a crazy feeling after having been gone for so long. There's not even a real care of Jesus caring or God being kicked in the teeth again...it doesn't faze me. I don't care. I seriously want to go and deal drugs to kids...hand out death like candy. I mean, it's just Salvia, legal in most places, hardly worth its weight in gold, and not exactly one of those major killers or crime causers...but it's a drug...and it's not exactly what God wants me to do with my life. I've wanted to deal with chemicals for a long time. I've wanted to do the, deal them, make them. I wanted to be a chemist, a dealer, a trashed up junkie. I've got this innate desire to self destruct. That can probably be translated into how we were created...self destruct into God? Maybe...seems more like broken nature, but it seems so right to me to crash and burn.

When I used to reach this point a few years ago, I would go with it. Nothing else mattered. I was content to look up drugs left and right and find my tainted joy in that. It was a sort pleasure for me to look it up...it wasn't necessarily happiness or joy, but it wasn't like I didn't enjoy it. As I've come to know myself better and reach out for God more, I've seen that this is not a good spot to be. I'm back on the same old trail...the memories are there, the grooves run deep and the wheels fit in perfectly. I'm running on the same tracks I used to know...but the level is increasing. I'm moving up in this world. I'm done with the old days of doing the drugs. Now I want to deal the drugs. Salvia is hot on the market with tons of kids finding out about it due to youtube and no one to give it to them. Prices are down due to increased demand and bulk quantities are being sold are amazing prices that can get a person rich. There are a ton of reason for me to not go down this path. God's not gonna be happy...I should rely on God for my money...my relationship with God is going to suffer due to my passion going elsewhere...I can't be serving Salvia and God both...the reasons go on and on...

How can I stop myself? I don't even care to not to do it. It doesn't hurt me. I want to do it. The benefits outway the negatives (unless of course I get caught, but why would I get caught, I'm smarter now...after being caught once...ooh boy that sucked).

Making myself not to do this isn't even about inner turmoil. There is no strife, no struggle except the one I'm trying to create. I'm so uncaring about it that it is work to try and care. I just simply don't care.

 

[BlessEwe]

I am sure many who sell drugs to others do not think about what could happen to someone once it exchanges hands.

Salvia can cause paranoia, short term memory loss, and it can be a precursor to schizophrenia or death.

Yes you-tube makes the drug look great, just as commercials make alcohol, smoking cigs, ect. look great.
We don't see the life in rehap, hospitals, morge in those youtubes or commericials.

It is so easy to talk ourself into things if we allow ourself to dream on about it. Stop the tape in your head and go to the end of it, jail... death... that is the only place it will get to eventually.

 

[TheMainException]

But why would it end in jail or death? salvia hasn't been studied. If I throw myself half truths...I rip it apart, seeing the lie I've tried to feed myself. It's not glorified on youtube, it actually looks horrendous...the only reason I would do it has nothing to do with youtube (and I have done it and have enjoyed it, contrast to many people who didn't enjoy it, but loved to watch their friends freak out on it).

I talked to a close friend about this today and he knocked some sense into me. He was a bit angry and upset about it. He kept telling me that I'm better than that and I know myself well enough to know I'm better than that. He's right. But I still want to do it. I think that, if I can ride this out, I'll be fine...I'll be stronger, better, closer to God...all the reasons to stay true.

Glenn...your list for me is a modified list...I can do it in ultimatums...such as this one...if I hold out and stay true to God, I'll be "stronger, better, closer to God," etc. If I don't...I'll be closer to evil, more lost, more anxious, confused, and angry. But I am all of those things right now...but depending on the path I choose...I will be one set or the other. I want to choose the former. Pray that God gives me the strength and joy to do so.

 

[BlessEwe]

But why would it end in jail or death? salvia hasn't been studied.

Anything that releases the extreme dopamines out of the neurons in the brain is addictive/dangerous.

Before they studied Ephedrine in the late 1990's, my neighbor who was a beautiful athlete died from a heart attack while taking this herb from the health food store.

The whole workout community in my area was on it. She was young and in perfect condition, she died while making dinner and home alone with her then 2 year old daughter. It freaked everyone out in our community.

Cocaine used to be known as the non-addictive drug... ask the people who's life it destroyed.

Herbs are drugs, non-studied drugs are dangerous as much as studied drugs.

 

[TheMainException]

I can't necessarily agree with you, but let's put that aside. It doesn't change the premise or my feelings. There's no point in debating that. But my mind isn't in the same place.

 

[GlennK]

Glenn, I'm really confused as to why you keep pushing the issue so terribly hard. I've tried this before. I've done lists before. They aren't my style. And what's going on in my life have NOTHING to do with things that require lists. What concerns me is your "just do what I say..." Watch out for forceful words like that.

But last night, I was feeling some of the Darkness working its magic and I decided to go for one of my walks in the cold of night (it's winter and a cold night it was). The first walk I ever took like this was around 1 am on one of the coldest nights of the year. I was horribly depressed and wanted to throw myself into the two foot deep crusted snow and lie there until I stopped breathing from the cold or a trucker happened to see my frozen form along the highway and save me. It was a dark night in my soul. After two hours of walking, I was back in my dorm feeling the razor sharp prickles of my legs returning to life. I never reached any better of a feeling that night and still felt quite depressed. This walk I took last night, I decided to actively seek God instead of wallow in the Darkness. I sent the Darkness away and returned at peace. I chatted with God and had a very honest and real conversation with Him about what I was feeling. I woke this morning and knew joy. I know He heard me and whether I merely talked myself through it or He changed me or a little of both doesn't matter because I absolutely undeniably believe in God with almost no doubt whatsoever...it's just hard sometimes to focus and not doubt because I can't see Him.

A couple of nights ago though, I hadn't been so good at resisting the Darkness and took some DXM, but didn't trip. But feeling the release of taking it was amazing. When I get to that point, I just stop thinking. There's really no reasoning behind it...it just happens. I don't reason things out or find a rational place...it all goes out the window.

because i'm as stubborn as a mule..

it's not the idea of the list that i'm pushing so hard... it's the idea that the battle ALWAYS takes place in our mind and if you can change the way you think, then you win the battle.... and the list idea is simply a tool to do that and change your inner voice to a voice of victory. this is sorta what God showed me..

 

[TheMainException]

because i'm as stubborn as a mule..

it's not the idea of the list that i'm pushing so hard... it's the idea that the battle ALWAYS takes place in our mind and if you can change the way you think, then you win the battle.... and the list idea is simply a tool to do that and change your inner voice to a voice of victory. this is sorta what God showed me..

Well yea...the mind is absolutely the place. You're totally right. That's something I remembered when I took that walk. I was being reconquered by doubts I had already stripped of power. I wasn't thinking things through and doing the analytical thing...I was just staring back like a dumb animal in headlights. Once I thought about it for a bit, I realized God wasn't a false idea without hope or good promises and I stood back up, put my gloves on, tied my boots, remembered to tie my shield to my arm and lock my sword in place. It's a back and forth battle for me. The Darkness knows that if it can get me to stop thinking, I will do whatever it tells me to do without question. I fall into line so quickly and so easily that you'd think I was a soldier on that side and not the light side.

You're funny Glenn, I like you. Don't be too much of a mule tho...let your horse nature show through more often.

 

[GlennK]

LOL I bet we'd get along great IRL.

 

[TheMainException]

I think you're totally right about that. Maybe someday we can meet up. I just wish the world didn't make such a mess for meetings like that. It would be nice to bring the relationships from online to real life so that people could have real life relationships and friendships with the people they come into contact with.

 

[wholeinhim]

original poster.... thats like what i used to do, find that magic potion that will "fix" me. i relate

 

[TheMainException]

original poster.... thats like what i used to do, find that magic potion that will "fix" me. i relate

Thanks.