The Actions Call to Me

[iljchia]

I relate to a lot of this. I had a lot of fun using. I knew it was wrong, and when people asked "do you want to stop?" my answer was always "I want to want to stop." because i had no desire to stop then - I just knew I shouldn't.

I'd remember all the fun times of using, and conveniently forget about all the misery of it. But as I used more and more, the fun times became few and far between, and the misery took over - always sick, waking up every hour because I needed more (the more you use, the more you need to become high/drunk ect), incapable of forming complete sentences, loss of ability to swallow. At some point, I don't know when, but that NA line really came true: I lived to use (when I first started and it was all fun) but then began to use to live (to prevent the withdrawl, and misery and 'remain functional').

I think that's the line between a recreational user and a drug addict - recreational users never reach that second half of using to live, they just stop. The addict can't stop, and just escalates.

I was told by a recovering addict that I could avoid that second half of using to live, reaching and living in that bottom - but it is a choice that only I could make. I sadly chose to ignore that advise, but you appear to be at that place where you have to make that decision. The bad thing is only you, on all the drugs, with all the irrational thoughts, can make it -- no one else can.

My advise is what worked for me. continue to seek God, surround yourself with godly friends who know your struggles and can help, surround yourself with recovering addicts who can relate to how you feel, talk your thoughts of using before you use out with someone, and fake it till you make it (even if you don't want to stop right then, pretend like you do and take actions like you really want to stop --- I mean we're addicts if there is one thing were good at it's faking it).

 

[TheMainException]

Yea...it's the same thing with God and drugs. I want to want to stop and I desire a desire for God. I have neither. I feel as though I have no will. I don't care much or just enough to not be addicted. I don't have that kind of money...but I've blown plenty in the past. I now tend to reach for long lasting drugs like DXM or LSA that are considered "mind opening" drugs...but the long lasting ones...are like stepping into a completely new world...one I know is like a low region of hell...just a step into the wrong world...when I could be stepping into a low region of heaven instead. I'm a fool and I don't know what I'm missing but I can hardly make myself care. I just pray that you pray that the Holy Spirit would open my eyes, heart and soul to Himself.

 

[TheMainException]

It is the same with drugs as it is with God. I want to want to stop. I desire a desire for God. I feel as though I have a lack of a will. I just don't seem to care.

 

[LoG]

I don't care much or just enough to not be addicted. I don't have that kind of money...but I've blown plenty in the past. I now tend to reach for long lasting drugs like DXM or LSA that are considered "mind opening" drugs...

A person can be addicted even if it isn't to any particular drug or substance and it doesn't cost a lot of money to get there. Nail polish remover, gasoline etc don't cost a lot but the high from them are addictive. In NA we recover from the DISEASE of addiction. In my using days, anything that would get me high was good enough. I had my preferences but if that wasn't available, something else would suffice.

I just pray that you pray that the Holy Spirit would open my eyes, heart and soul to Himself.

Addicts and alcoholics often have to meet the Holy Spirit halfway by humbling themselves enough to seek out help through NA or AA. For the eyes, heart and soul to be truly opened, one will need to take a leap of faith.

 

[iljchia]

The turning point for me was when I started to surround myself with people (not online people) but friends from church and NA who where there to talk through me wanting to use and help hold me accountable, pray with me, pray for me when I couldn't pray for myself, help explain to me what i was going through, encourage me with how they got through it. I didn't stop using once I was honest, but i used less and less.

Have you told trustworthy Christian friends? Have you met with and talked with other recovering addicts?

 

[TheMainException]

You know what...maybe I should talk with some recovering addicts...I've never done that, never thought about doing that or anything. I still don't consider myself an addict to drugs or drinking. Half the time I'm bored, the other half I don't know...it's weird. And I can't seem to drop this belief that they aren't bad. I mean, whether they are or not doesn't even matter because God said to me that he wants me to knock it off...but I just don't even care...and that's a sucky place when the Lord of Creation tells you something and you shove it in his face and walk off...my apathy grips me pretty tight if you can't tell.

As far as friends go...I'm in a rough bit right now. I'm studying abroad right now and I've really got no one. One girl I thought was on my level is smoking pot all the time with another kid who I'm kinda glad got pulled away from me...cuz I'd be smoking pot with him or trying to tell him I shouldn't be smoking if not for her...so it's kind of a double edged sword. I really have no one. I have some friends from home that i talk to that are really spiritual and God filled, but otherwise I'm alone...which is another thing that is really plaguing me...I feel like life isn't really worth getting out of bed for, and it's just so easy to trip out all day and feel like puking for a few hours while holding the drugs down than to actually pray, read the word or do anything worth anything. It's like "man, life is darn boring, i think I'll plan a trip for later this week." And then I do. Get myself set up with a few trip playlists on my itunes music, plan it out, and then do it. And I can get robo and seeds and stuff so easily off the internet that all I have to do is do a bit of planning and I can trip out the next week. I have enough time...time i know God wants me to use to pray and worship him...and instead, here I am...back on the drugs and drinking until I black out (didn't really plan for that, but wine tastes so good and when you're playing cards...it just gets out of hand and you forget to notice that the bottle is empty and it's only been two hours...and now you've got problems cuz suddenly you can't really make out what's going on and then...suddenly it's morning and you're going..."what the hell? oh man, not again....") I didn't want that to happen and it doesn't happen that way a lot...only four times in two years...is that a lot? I actually don't know if that is or not. I've got two and a half months left here...then i go home and I can get in touch with a base group of recovering drug addicts somewhere but for now...I just guess I need to focus on God...but man...pray for me cuz I really don't know what else can be done...it's not like I can talk myself into anything else...it's up to God...but talking to people helps.

 

[LoG]

You know what...maybe I should talk with some recovering addicts...I've never done that, never thought about doing that or anything. I still don't consider myself an addict to drugs or drinking. Half the time I'm bored, the other half I don't know...it's weird.

The other half is like there is something missing we can't quite put our finger on. Some call it the "hole in our soul" that we attempt to fill with different things and yet nothing really seems to satisfy although sometimes the drugs and alcohol come the closest.

And I can't seem to drop this belief that they aren't bad. I mean, whether they are or not doesn't even matter because God said to me that he wants me to knock it off...but I just don't even care...and that's a sucky place when the Lord of Creation tells you something and you shove it in his face and walk off...my apathy grips me pretty tight if you can't tell.

And they aren't necessarily bad for those who can use them with moderation.
One of the main characteristics of addicts and alkies is that their need to use is more important then friends, family and God. It isn't a sign of how evil or wicked they are but of how sick they have become.

I really have no one. I have some friends from home that i talk to that are really spiritual and God filled, but otherwise I'm alone...which is another thing that is really plaguing me...I feel like life isn't really worth getting out of bed for,

Another common characteristic for us addicts. The feeling of isolation and lonliness, even when surrounded by people.

and it's just so easy to trip out all day and feel like puking for a few hours while holding the drugs down than to actually pray, read the word or do anything worth anything. It's like "man, life is darn boring,

That sense of ease and comfort that comes from having a few drinks, tokes or whatever pill is handy, seems hard to beat by praying and praising at this point I bet. I remember well my own inability to see that anything could be a real cure all for whatever ailed me during those years of drinking and drugging. Fortunately, I finally did but it almost had to kill me before I was willing to try.

...time i know God wants me to use to pray and worship him...and instead, here I am...back on the drugs and drinking until I black out (didn't really plan for that, but wine tastes so good and when you're playing cards...

Hmm yes, we call it rationalizing and justifying our using. The truth is that the wine doesn't taste nearly as good coming back up as it did going down and yet within a short period of time the problem drinker is ready to try it again thinking that this time he/she will control their consumption, not blackout, or puke, or make a fool of oneself. etc., etc.

it just gets out of hand and you forget to notice that the bottle is empty and it's only been two hours...and now you've got problems cuz suddenly you can't really make out what's going on and then...suddenly it's morning and you're going..."what the hell? oh man, not again....") I didn't want that to happen and it doesn't happen that way a lot...only four times in two years...is that a lot? I actually don't know if that is or not.

Believe it or not but for a great percentage of the population, once in a lifetime is a lot. For myself as a self admitted alcoholic and drug addict, I can say that from my own experience and a great many like me, that it will get progressively worse because that's the nature of the illness. The time could very well come where 3 drinks will be enough to cause a blackout and other times when even though a black out is desired, no amount of drinking and drugs will cause it.

I've got two and a half months left here...then i go home and I can get in touch with a base group of recovering drug addicts somewhere but for now...I just guess I need to focus on God...but man...pray for me cuz I really don't know what else can be done...it's not like I can talk myself into anything else...it's up to God...but talking to people helps.

First step is admit one has a problem that they no longer have control over. If I cannot accurately predict what is going to happen to me even once out of ten times that I pick up a drink or a drug, then I no longer have control over them.
When I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem and I didn't want to die from it, then I chose to seek out help from those who had overcome the same problem. God does the prompting but we have to do the footwork.

Admitting that you may have a problem is something only you can do, but I will say that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then there is a pretty darn good chance it is a duck.

 

[TheMainException]

The other half is like there is something missing we can't quite put our finger on. Some call it the "hole in our soul" that we attempt to fill with different things and yet nothing really seems to satisfy although sometimes the drugs and alcohol come the closest.

Yeah...it is a giant gaping hole...and it's sucking me in at times. I've got God in my soul...I just don't exactly pay attention to Him...

And they aren't necessarily bad for those who can use them with moderation.
One of the main characteristics of addicts and alkies is that their need to use is more important then friends, family and God. It isn't a sign of how evil or wicked they are but of how sick they have become.

Well, I do use drugs and drinking in moderation...most times. I drink a lot...yes, but it depends on who you ask. I had a couple drinks of wine today, a beer yesterday, last week i blacked out on a bottle of wine...most times I can control it. And most times I'd choose my friends and family over drugs and alcohol. But I've noticed the decline. And I'd choose God over chemicals any day...but only if I'm gonna get something out of it...when it feels like I'm not, I drop the issue and return to my corner. Right now it's all about me and I've totally realized as of late that it just ISN'T. I've been a demanding child, telling God what he'll do when it's up to me to just submit...harder than it sounds really, but I'm working on it.

Another common characteristic for us addicts. The feeling of isolation and lonliness, even when surrounded by people.

I'll tell you this much right now as to why I feel that way, and I've felt like this a long time...for different reasons over the years though. Right now it's because all of my good friends are back in the states...I've got no one to talk to about this face to face. I'm not comfortable talking with my friends that I'm with here in Germany while I'm abroad and some of them drink only to get drug, another bunch smoke pot pretty much all the time, and then there's the few who go to church...all three of us out of 15. That's why I feel lonely right now. I have a ton of friends but few intimate friends especially right now right around me. Sure, I'm surrounded by people...but they're either drunk, high, or speaking too much german.

That sense of ease and comfort that comes from having a few drinks, tokes or whatever pill is handy, seems hard to beat by praying and praising at this point I bet. I remember well my own inability to see that anything could be a real cure all for whatever ailed me during those years of drinking and drugging. Fortunately, I finally did but it almost had to kill me before I was willing to try.

It sure does. And I'm not willing to almost end up dead. not almost, not close, nearly, a few months away, a drug arrest away, a night in a cell drunk, none of that...and I'm sick of being afraid too...I want to be clean (and here comes the "but") but I don't...can't...won't...I don't know which word is more true at this point. I believe I can...i spent the summer off of everything including cigs (except one time one night when I smoked a few puffs off one).

Hmm yes, we call it rationalizing and justifying our using. The truth is that the wine doesn't taste nearly as good coming back up as it did going down and yet within a short period of time the problem drinker is ready to try it again thinking that this time he/she will control their consumption, not blackout, or puke, or make a fool of oneself. etc., etc.

I don't throw up often....I don't even know the point in saying those five words...I don't throw up often...but yea...I can think of plenty of times when I've thought to myself "that can't happen again" and it has.

The time could very well come where 3 drinks will be enough to cause a blackout and other times when even though a black out is desired, no amount of drinking and drugs will cause it.

What do you mean? Like, my tolerance will get totally messed up or my liver or what? I don't understand.

Admitting that you may have a problem is something only you can do, but I will say that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then there is a pretty darn good chance it is a duck.

I'm not a freaking duck!!!!!!

But I may be a duckling.


I know I've got a bit of a problem...and in attending a conference this weekend, I've also realized that God is saying to me that he doesn't want my actions. He's sick of my actions. He sees my hilarious attempt at giving up chemicals for the summer and just shakes his head cuz I didn't get it, again. I've been trying to give up my actions all along, thinking purely like a pharisee..."well, I didn't kill him, I just hate the guy." "Yeah, you might as well have ripped his heart out" is what God replies to me. "It makes no difference, it's your heart that I want. I don't just want your promise of no drugs for a while, that you will 'be good,' I want you to only look into my eyes. If you only see me, you won't need the drugs, you won't be tempted, you will have me and everything will be as it should be. All you have to do is look into my eyes." And that's just a "woah" thing for me. All this time, I was like...well, I'll throw out the drugs...but then I'll sit around and I just can't stop thinking about them. It's just not terribly easy to give up my mind...

 

[LoG]

Yeah...it is a giant gaping hole...and it's sucking me in at times. I've got God in my soul...I just don't exactly pay attention to Him...

Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself. Sounds to me like you are paying attention but don't have the strength within yourself to follow through. Sounds like a need to learn how to access His strength.

Well, I do use drugs and drinking in moderation...most times. I drink a lot...yes, but it depends on who you ask.

Only asking you because it is only your opinion that counts here. Some of us lose control very early on and some not until later in life but the amount consumed seems to have little to do with it.

I had a couple drinks of wine today, a beer yesterday, last week i blacked out on a bottle of wine...most times I can control it. And most times I'd choose my friends and family over drugs and alcohol. But I've noticed the decline.

I am impressed. Very few that I know are able to see their progressive decline in that regard. Are you also aware that the further one goes down that road, the harder it is to halt the progression?

I've been a demanding child, telling God what he'll do when it's up to me to just submit...harder than it sounds really, but I'm working on it.

I found "surrendering" to be more powerful than either "submission" or "working on it".

Sure, I'm surrounded by people...but they're either drunk, high, or speaking too much german.

So why do you choose to surround yourself with people like that? Are they the ones you feel most comfortable around?

It sure does. And I'm not willing to almost end up dead. not almost, not close, nearly, a few months away, a drug arrest away, a night in a cell drunk, none of that...and I'm sick of being afraid too...I want to be clean

That's great but unfortunately we don't always have a choice as to what can happen to us especially when we are under the influence and especially when blacked out.
I never chose to overdose, get pulled for DUI's, land in the drunk tank or spend time in jail for the DUI's.
The 25 year old kid who died in my brother's rooming house 2 weeks ago didn't choose to die from the crack nor the girl from NA who thought she would go out for one last hurrah before she settled down to a life free from drugs. It was her last but it wasn't fun. Not trying to scare you, but these are cold hard realities that happen every day all around us. All people who thought just one more wouldn't hurt.

(and here comes the "but") but I don't...can't...won't...I don't know which word is more true at this point. I believe I can...i spent the summer off of everything including cigs (except one time one night when I smoked a few puffs off one).

I find it funny that when people fast from anything else, their strength to resist the thing they fasted from is much greater. However it isn't the case for the addict or alcoholic who fasts from drugs and alcohol. Most if not all quickly make up for lost time and our state is worse than it was before.

I don't throw up often....I don't even know the point in saying those five words...I don't throw up often...but yea...I can think of plenty of times when I've thought to myself "that can't happen again" and it has.

And that's where we drink and drug to overcome the guilt and shame of our own inadequacies and the more we drink, the more inadequate we feel and we are caught in a downward spiral that only a divine intervention can stop.

What do you mean? Like, my tolerance will get totally messed up or my liver or what? I don't understand.

Yes on both, but also when the addict, alcoholic is on the downward spiral, it is no longer about fun and partying but about escaping the guilt and shame and the only way to be sure of it is to drink for oblivion.

I know I've got a bit of a problem...

Like a girl who is a bit pregnant?

All you have to do is look into my eyes." And that's just a "woah" thing for me.

Hmm, I can relate. The thought of instantaneous sainthood is scary. So instead, God has been allowing me to grow up slowly one step at a time, only revealing Himself to the degree I am comfortable with. Sometimes I wish I had gone the fastrack method

All this time, I was like...well, I'll throw out the drugs...but then I'll sit around and I just can't stop thinking about them. It's just not terribly easy to give up my mind...

Yeah the mental obsession to use and drink is pretty much the undoing of most of us. Some can control their usage through binging but between bouts they tend to be restless, irritable and discontent. The only solution that has worked for me was to attend AA/NA meetings, and follow their guidelines for staying clean and sober, one day at a time with a measure of peace and contentment through God removing the obsession.

 

[TheMainException]

Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself. Sounds to me like you are paying attention but don't have the strength within yourself to follow through. Sounds like a need to learn how to access His strength.

I am impressed. Very few that I know are able to see their progressive decline in that regard. Are you also aware that the further one goes down that road, the harder it is to halt the progression?

Yup, know that one too. You see, I have the answers...I hold just about every single one in my hands...they are like an open book. I can read the words TO anyone at anytime. The Lord grants me this easily. It is my gift...the gift of wisdom which I prayed for so very long ago. But I cannot listen to myself, but others only it seems. But when certain things are said, it's like hitting the PERFECT note...it rings so perfectly within me, the note God intended for me to hear just at that moment, and I am lead to a new place. It happened just yesterday...I've been continually being led to Joel by some prophets of today. On this particular day, I also had a commentary open as I was trying to understand what Joel was saying. The alignment of what these prophets said leading me to Joel, the rereading of Joel, having the commentary out, and being primed for receiving the words...I was brought to a new place of understanding of what God wants from me and within me and through me. It was a revelation of something that had existed already but although I had read it, it had not been heard.

I found "surrendering" to be more powerful than either "submission" or "working on it".

Agreed...it is that I sometimes know too much...work myself around things too much and just can't release without more strife.

So why do you choose to surround yourself with people like that? Are they the ones you feel most comfortable around?

That is not a choice per se. I am not the most comfortable around them...they are new people. I'm in germany, with some people who came along from america that I had not known before I left. I'm finding new friends who are christians slowly but surely and also slowly but surely spending less time at the drinking parties and with the stoners. I don't feel all too wonderful or comfortable around them, and I would prefer to be around open and honest people who love me and love the Creator.

And that's where we drink and drug to overcome the guilt and shame of our own inadequacies and the more we drink, the more inadequate we feel and we are caught in a downward spiral that only a divine intervention can stop.

The downward spiral is something I know well in more than just the area of drugs and drinking.

Hmm, I can relate. The thought of instantaneous sainthood is scary. So instead, God has been allowing me to grow up slowly one step at a time, only revealing Himself to the degree I am comfortable with. Sometimes I wish I had gone the fastrack method

Before I began to realize that it is God who decides on what he releases upon me and not simply how "eager" or how often I sing with my hands outstretched, I just wanted fasttrack...I still do...but I'm seeing that God doesn't want to do that with me...I need it slow and steady as I release more...

Yeah the mental obsession to use and drink is pretty much the undoing of most of us. Some can control their usage through binging but between bouts they tend to be restless, irritable and discontent. The only solution that has worked for me was to attend AA/NA meetings, and follow their guidelines for staying clean and sober, one day at a time with a measure of peace and contentment through God removing the obsession.

My mind is my solace and my torment. Some tell me to stop "trying to figure myself out" but I don't think it's that simple. There's more to it than merely ceasing in figuring myself out...knowing yourself is important, but there is a right and wrong way to go about it...and learning more about yourself can help to get away from addiction and simply thinking poorly and in ways that do not grow happiness and joy in God.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

I don't even know what I want. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I want to be messed up, drugged up, with my image distorted and my brain creating crazy thoughts and my body wishing to expel a near demon from my stomach.

Could it maybe have a spiritual component to it, Moriah wonders. Like, do you tend to feel spiritually "numb" when NOT in a doped-out state, and maybe you do drugs to feel more keenly messed up so you can be more acutely aware of how desperately you need God -- that sort of thing?

Moriah has a notion it terms "sins of desperation" too, where you do things you know to be wrong or unhealthy for you out of a sick kind of desperation because you frantically want to get God's attention and show Him how sick and helpless and out of control everything has become in your world and how desperately you need Him. But there also exists an aspect that comes from a kind of psychological and cultural conditioning.

Our western culture and America especially has been conditioned to only the most shallow and rudimentary forms of religious experience which tend to center around, and focus on, themes of falling from grace, rebelling, wrecking oneself, and needing rescue. We have a million songs, sermons and stories to prepare us for meeting God from the pits of hell and degradation and being lifted out and rejoicing -- but far less guidance when it comes to having just as profound and moving encounters with Him AFTER that. Sometimes it can feel like the only time we feel CLOSE to God comes from reinventing that dark wheel of sin-and-repent, sin-and-repent. We FEEL Him more keenly when we have done something to put ourselves fiercely in touch with our depraved natures, our helpless plight, our desperate need of Him. We don't want to be one of the 99 safe in the fold; we want to be the one lost black sheep He's gone out looking for, the eternal prodigal eternally coming back home because we don't know how to be the plodding elder brother. Something in the addictive personality basically craves emotional engagement and fulfillment, and that of course goes way beyond mere thrill-seeking or "kicks".

Just food for thought -- if none of that applies to your world feel free to disregard it.

 

[TheMainException]

Could it maybe have a spiritual component to it, Moriah wonders. Like, do you tend to feel spiritually "numb" when NOT in a doped-out state, and maybe you do drugs to feel more keenly messed up so you can be more acutely aware of how desperately you need God -- that sort of thing?

Moriah has a notion it terms "sins of desperation" too, where you do things you know to be wrong or unhealthy for you out of a sick kind of desperation because you frantically want to get God's attention and show Him how sick and helpless and out of control everything has become in your world and how desperately you need Him. But there also exists an aspect that comes from a kind of psychological and cultural conditioning.

Our western culture and America especially has been conditioned to only the most shallow and rudimentary forms of religious experience which tend to center around, and focus on, themes of falling from grace, rebelling, wrecking oneself, and needing rescue. We have a million songs, sermons and stories to prepare us for meeting God from the pits of hell and degradation and being lifted out and rejoicing -- but far less guidance when it comes to having just as profound and moving encounters with Him AFTER that. Sometimes it can feel like the only time we feel CLOSE to God comes from reinventing that dark wheel of sin-and-repent, sin-and-repent. We FEEL Him more keenly when we have done something to put ourselves fiercely in touch with our depraved natures, our helpless plight, our desperate need of Him. We don't want to be one of the 99 safe in the fold; we want to be the one lost black sheep He's gone out looking for, the eternal prodigal eternally coming back home because we don't know how to be the plodding elder brother. Something in the addictive personality basically craves emotional engagement and fulfillment, and that of course goes way beyond mere thrill-seeking or "kicks".

Just food for thought -- if none of that applies to your world feel free to disregard it.

My heart is literally screaming. That does apply to me. Not all of it, not completely, but there is a dire essence of that in which I fall into. I am there and I feel it. God spoke it out of your words. It's funny you speak of the prodigal son and the sheep in the fold. That's me certainly...I have a past of that in my mind that I don't really want to explain now. But it's there and it hit me. And so, I thank you. I appreciate it.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

It is the same with drugs as it is with God. I want to want to stop. I desire a desire for God. I feel as though I have a lack of a will. I just don't seem to care.

Didn't see this little postlet before ...
...
.... can definitely relate though... only instead of drugs just substitute ...

...

...
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... Satan.


Ohhhhh yeah we have definitely hit the no free will zone with this one. To the point where we don't even remember ever knowing what that had been ... IF indeed we ever had ...

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

My heart is literally screaming. That does apply to me. Not all of it, not completely, but there is a dire essence of that in which I fall into. I am there and I feel it. God spoke it out of your words. It's funny you speak of the prodigal son and the sheep in the fold. That's me certainly...I have a past of that in my mind that I don't really want to explain now. But it's there and it hit me. And so, I thank you. I appreciate it.

Awesome. It only took 25 years drowning in the Abyss to be able to put all that together sufficiently to be able to articulate it at all. The fact that it did something for you, did something for anyone else, mattered at all? Brilliant! Pure gold. Thanks Friend.

 

[TheMainException]

Awesome. It only took 25 years drowning in the Abyss to be able to put all that together sufficiently to be able to articulate it at all. The fact that it did something for you, did something for anyone else, mattered at all? Brilliant! Pure gold. Thanks Friend.

And I thank you for listening to what you were being urged to write. It really is something that will help more than me.

 

[TheMainException]

I just wanted to let all of you who have been with me in this where I'm at currently since I've faded out of view in the past month. I've been experiencing a lot of stuff in life (good and bad) and doing a lot of learning (from life and God and others). I am struggling less...but the bottles of alcohol scream from the shelves. The drugs scream at me from the garbage dump...yes, I threw it all out....best to do it at a time when the good spirits are around so there's no chance of it being held back. Just let it go...so I do...but I know it's still my mind that God's after. Actions are a start, sure...but it's my mind that's got the evil bits still intact. I'm still hungering after those things. I went back through some poems I had read during my life and I knew the ones that were written on drugs...I know my poems well...I read them too along with the rest and they made me hungry....they made me thirsty. They were some of my best work. How could I deny that? Sure, i've written a few better pieces. I've written many pieces that stand by their side...by they blow me away every time. They make me want to crawl back to that drug induced state where my hand writing is barely readable, where the physical feelings were incredible, where the thoughts and emotions overwhelmed. But what I want as well...is to not have those nasty side effects...the feeling of wanting to vomit...the vomiting...the headaches afterwards...the DXM hangover...the 12 over pot hangover where I feel absolutely stupid (I seem to be alone in this thing)....all these things are not desireable to me. They were never meant to be. I want to experience the bliss...the wine and body of christ that can knock me into a state of drunken glory...this desire to follow Christ grows as I follow him...but I still fight. I still give in to drinking. I gave into some pot during my trip across europe as well. One night I held out, but another night, I reached right over and grabbed hold of that joint like I'd never quit. I only took about three hits over the span of four hours...not enough to get high...I really can't get high anymore anyway...that ability quit on me a few months ago. No loss there. But I went into drinking just the same that night as well. But I don't get drunk like I used to either. I can't hardly get drunk anymore. It takes quite a good deal more...I had quite a lot and could still walk to 7-11 okay.

I'm doing better...not struggling as much. Most of the time, I'm either totally able to deny it and stand by Christ with my eyes on him...the other part of the time, I totally forget that I even want to stop those things. I've been reading the NT start to finish...I'm in Luke right now...working my way slowly and steadily...I've only been reading it for about 4 days...I haven't much else to do...so that's what I do.

 

[GlennK]

those who say they can and those who say they can't are both right.

if you believe you can pull yourself out of something, then you can. if you believe you can't, then it's game over before it even starts.

take out a piece of paper and write things down on it about yourself one by one (even if they aren't true). A few of mine are..
I am confident.
I am emotionally strong.
I am a GREAT conversation.

what are yours?

the moment you hear any of those thoughts of darkness or negativity in your inner voice, immediately cut it off and replace it with what you will from your list.

Keep your shoulders back, your chin up, chest slightly puffed, and a gentle smile on your face at all times while you replace these thoughts with new ones and I promise you will get to where you want to be. Posture is important at all times.

This has helped me IMMENSELY, i can feel myself turning into the man I want to be every time I do it. I hope it helps you. God bless.

 

[BlessEwe]

Oh, Wow... sorry I haven't seen this MainException, so glad that GlennK posted some great info for you, good info.

I do know what you mean, we get tired of fighting the fight and want to just give up some days. The enemy knows just what our weaknesses are too. I was feeling very low and felt so much like you are takling about, I felt the scariness of relapse....I was sick, and well that is a major trigger for me is isolation. I reached out for help, prayer and support and made myself leave my home. I am feeling better, but it is a dark place.
A dark place I hope to never return, how I understand you so well. I am proud of you for reaching out and talking.

I will say Thank you for all of your wonderful words of support you have given so many here, I truely enjoy and have learned from you. You are a true blessing.

Have you ever studied any relapse info? Did you know that we do things long before we actually take the drug/alcohol?
I find this so interesting, I am starting to read a book right now and do want to take a coarse in it soon.

http://www.drug-rehabilitation.com/relapse_signs.htm

http://www.articlealley.com/article_621648_24.html

Consider a career in addiction counseling, I really feel you would do so well. Check out AOD counselor in your area. I am going up for the state board in June, and still there is so much to learn. Feel free to ask me any questions about that if you like.

Forgive any mistakes, I can't find my glasses...LOL

God Bless you sister!

 

[TheMainException]

GlennK: I find that by NOT focusing on me and focusing on the power of God more, denying false claims is easier. I can trick myself no matter what I say. Lying to myself about good qualities or trying to reconvince myself about true ones isn't worth the effort. Reaching to the close hand of God and simply remembering who He is and who I am in Him works better for me. Your advice is some that I would give to others though. But I know myself too well by now to be starting with that.

Whatever is written that gives the impression that I feel inadequate or worthless or less than good, is not what I had intended. I didn't speak much of emotion even though I had been feeling quite well. What finds me most times is things about belief and disbelief and really, Satan's pulling out all the stops with me...he runs from one thing to the next because I keep swatting him down like a sick fly. He's working hard, sweating bullets and I'm facing him full on with each new thing he throws at me. Also, Glenn, your second to last paragraph about the physical portion of reconditioning is something for me to note...I'm a psychology major, working on counseling as my job. Hypnosis is more of a side interest since both christians and psychologist throw it sidelong glances most times, but there is value in it. One portion of my interest in hypnosis is more of what you are saying where we recondition ourselves through physical triggers and mental triggers. It has found itself very useful to me.

BlessEwe: Had I spoken at all about my interest in psychology? I actually have quite an interest in going into the areas of addiction, drugs, alcohol, depression, anxiety, etc. especially in teenagers and young adults (college age). I'm in my third year undergrad now.

I've never studied relapse info, but I've studied myself and am studying myself. I'm keying into what things trigger me, what sorts of things I need to watch out for, and how I need to react to such things. The addiction level is low and I feel able to drink moderately with out problems. It isn't the substances or thoughts that are the problem...it's my life. As long as I'm on the same page as God (or even same book) and am dealing with the issues, I do much better (like now). Having structure and being back in the states around supportive people has helped me immensely.


I'm glad that what I've spoken has helped you and that you have learned from me...that excites me...and makes me very happy. What book are you reading? I can't get enough...I'm a reader for sure. I started and finished a book last night, started another and will be done with it tomorrow. Granted, they are small books, only about 100 pages, but still...most people who are taking nearly 18 credits don't read for fun that much. I read books on all sorts of stuff, religion, spirituality, fiction, counseling, nature, people, all sorts of fun stuff. I just love to learn...especially when it helps me learn about myself in the end...which is why I love psychology.

Shoot me a pm about what things you are studying.

 

[BlessEwe]

I am going to put some info here in case there is anyone else interested.

I am not studying in a class right now, I finished that and I am doing my intern hours . But I am reading and would love to take the Relapse coarse through Gorski . Copy and paste that and check out all of the books from this guy. He does a crash weekend coarse as well.

A great book that I think would really help you is called Addiction and Grace http://www.amazon.com/Addiction-Grace-Spirituality-Healing-Addictions/dp/book-citations/0061122432