The Actions Call to Me

[TheMainException]

Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's the hardest thing I do. Right now it's walking towards the hard side. I don't think I like the effect of the drugs as much as merely the actions of doing the drug. I like being out of control, but I nearly like researching how out of control I'm going to get more. I don't take stuff without researching it first, and sometimes that's half the fun. For a few days spring semester last year, I tried snorting my sleep medicine...worked well, hit me quick, but lasted too long and left me too tired. I would have tried smaller doses, but it made me too stuffed up. I don't know if it was the medicine itself or the irritation to my nasal cavity, but the snorting trials were over pretty quickly.

I've been mixing myself an ever changing two medicine cocktail to put me to sleep at night. The medicines stay the same, the dosages change every night depending on how I feel, how badly I want to sleep, and how I slept the night before. I'm on seroquel and melatonin. My doctors are idiots and so I've basically ruled them out of the dosage changes because one, they cost money to see them, and two, I know enough about the meds and myself by now that I can do the changes on my own. I've been on them long enough to know what they do and how they work. So you need not lecture me on that, I go to the doctor plenty...I see them once a month at least for all sorts of things, all sorts of doctors.

The seroquel, I've been taking between 25 and 75 mgs every night with one melatonin tablet containing 3 mgs. I swallow the seroquel, and put the melatonin in my cheek until it is nearly dissolved. However, I've been thinking of crushing that and snorting it instead...see how fast it can work then. The one night it absorbed relatively quickly and hit me at the same time the seroquel did...boy was that a rush...got all giggly and loopy, then lied down and passed out...wonderful. Really, I'm not quite sure why I'm writing all this...I guess partly so someone will tell me "oh no, you can't do that, you should be taking it as prescribed and snorting it is bad for you and your lungs and etc etc etc..." Maybe I'm hoping someone will address my addictive personality or shoot me down with a bible verse.

Could be the depression talking...but I don't feel very depressed. I know what depression feels like...I've felt it for 7 years. I'm doing pretty well actually. It's not depression...it's a half breed that Satan bred to destroy christians like myself who have had their depression conquered. It's spiritual darkness that climbs inside and wreaks havoc as a darkness that floods the soul and makes a person want to do things they ought not do...snort their medicines...burn themselves for no good reason but to have some scars. I'm sick, there's no doubt... but what can I do? I'll keep resisting, sure, I've been doing it for a long time...but it's so comfortable I can hardly contain my contentment and longing to be in that nearly tangible darkness. I don't fear falling into its arms...no, I wish for it...but know I shouldn't go there...but I may just fall tonight and lay back in pitiful agony, enjoying the sick comfort.

 

[Bellicus]

Why would you snort anti-psychotic medicine? I doubt you will get anything else out of it like that.

God Bless!

 

[TheMainException]

Because it's faster...and it reminds me of cocaine...which I've never done, but really thought about doing when I first quit drugs and alcohol.

 

[TheMainException]

And sometimes...the urge to do drugs just drives me insane...If I hadn't already taken my meds tonight (no snorting, too lazy)...I don't even know what I'd be doing, but it probably would involve spending quite a bit of time inside my mind...

People...even I...say that the longer you go without something, the easier it gets...maybe this is another experience to teach me the truth or fiction of that statement.

I could always do some robo sometime this week...some easy tripping...not too expensive either.

I don't even know what I want. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I want to be messed up, drugged up, with my image distorted and my brain creating crazy thoughts and my body wishing to expel a near demon from my stomach.

maybe if I sleep well tonight, it'll get me thinking straight, but who knows...I'll figure myself out sooner or later.

 

[Zyphyr]

robo.brings back memories. I get what your saying though. When I have went awhile without doing anything besides pot, I just get bored. It gets into my head so I just go out and get something to trip out on and spend the day on the couch yet so far away from the world that things seem to feel comfortable again.
And I know all about snorting pescriptions. But the comedown is always bad for me so it is never worth doing it anymore.
But I do get what you are saying, where most other's won't.

 

[TheMainException]

It's that comfortable place alright...the past brings about a sense of comfort...even if it's painful comfort...it's an odd thing that I don't think many people do get, Zyphyr. If you haven't beent here, you just don't know...there's not many like us (probably a good thing though).

I used to use robo to "explore my mind." Never really worked. It was fun to trip on low doses...but medium doses just made me have to lay in bed all day and never see colors, shifted images, CEV, OEV, no OBE, or astral projections...and the one time I tried a really high dose, I just puked it up instead. Totally ruined every aspect of the trip...came down almost immediately, like an intense sobering process. But no matter how not worth it something is, no matter how not helpful something, or just a plain bad idea...i still want to do it. Even if I have a 100% chance of throwing up if I do something (like Oxycodone), I'll still do it...in fact, I'll even take a larger dose...kicks and giggles...I don't even care. But for now, the darkness has been held back. I'm finding that, if I can just get through the night, the morning isn't so bad...although this morning I felt like someone windmill kicked my head into a brick wall...not a pretty picture. Ever heard of God causes headaches so a person didn't do something? Or did I think myself into agony? I'm good at that.

I haven't done anything more than a puff of a cig and two drinks of red wine in over 4 months. Next month...I'm off across the world where drinking is akin to going to a coffee house...I plan on enjoying such a thing. But I don't plan on getting drunk. So...if you're the praying type...go ahead and pray that Satan stays out of the picture and my 80% chance (thanks mom and dad) of being addicted to something stays out of the picture as well. I want to grow in my relationship with God...but this darkness and urge to go on benders isn't good for that.

 

[BobW188]

M. E., you're discovering an important aspect of substance abuse, whether that substance is tobacco, drugs or Wheaties. "The actions of doing" are really as much of the habit as whatever it is you are doing.
Smokers relapse because they can't find anything to do with their hands, which were always holding, lighting, stubbing out, etc. Drinkers who might make it sober fall off the wagon because the only place they know to feel comfortable is a local bar.

I wish I had some good answer, but I don't. I just want you to know that you're not alone in having the problem. Hang in there!

 

[TheMainException]

Thanks Bob...it's no so much of an answer I'm even looking for...it's pieces of answers...and you hold a piece. I had forgotten that key aspect. I talk about it, but I never had it told to me, so it was easier to forget. But I can't just fill my time up or come up with constant new actions to do. There are very specific actions that I miss that I know lead to other things. I know that looking up info about drugs causes me to want them more, so I steer clear...but it's something I did for a long time. I'm practically a walking encyclopedia for drugs of all sorts, legal and illegal, mainstream and notsomainstream. It was what I DID. Then I moved onto trying them....one by one. Had a friend not been sent into my life, I would have continued down the line, adding one after another until one or more things happened: I went to jail, got fined, kicked out of school, put into counseling, became homeless or died. Thank God for sending someone into my life to show me the glory of God. I was on a slow, downward spiral...and I'm not done spiraling, I've just put on the brakes immensly in order to begin the upward climb. I had a good deal of help in braking, but climbing is going to be even harder. It's so easy to not touch the gas or brake and just roll down the hill, faster and faster until the end...and like my habits declare, I still want that ease...that comfort...not the sweat and toil of upward climbing, even with help from God.

 

[BobW188]

C. S. Lewis once wrote that, when our time comes, we won't be judged on our successes and failiures; but on whether we are still at our posts, still fighting, still trying. Keep in mind that God - all three Persons - knows even better than you do how hard your fight is.
I "met" you on another thread started by some young man on the Pity Pot who finally went elsewhere when he found out he was actually getting the advice he'd come for. You strike me as being much stronger than you yourself believe. (You ain't bein' brave if you ain't scared to death. Superman ain't brave; Superman can't get hurt.)
It's going to be a long time; but I think you'll get there

 

[Zyphyr]

Long time to get to where though is the question. Who is to decide what is acceptable and what is not. There are really really unhappy sober people. There are also really really unhappy addicts. I was an unhappy sober person once. Then an unhappy addict for years. And yeah, we all have that pull to go back to what we know. To go back to what our brain recalls as good memories. Comfortable places. Comfortably numb. I would say for the most part I am a happy person now. I have my depressed days still and my [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed off days usually and though I do not condone the use of illegal drugs when I smoke a J is usually going to be one of my better days.
I've went the Cocaine route. Don't do that. Yeah it's a great high, but it is addicting right after your first line or your first rock.
But I don't think you were really looking for advice on here. More like ideas.
Take what you take from what I wrote above and do what you want with it.
I suppose in closing I could say that from my own personal experience I feel that same pull you mentioned. We all do. Some are just brave enough to to go with it and experiment while others either fight against it and never realize the benefit of some substances. But you have to know the dangers too. As I know you mentioned you studied before you even used and that at least is a good thing. I do much the same. My friends say I should be a Pharmacist or something. (I think I would die within two weeks). But there is a good point in all that.
If you know you have an 80 percent chance of getting addicted to something, don't do things that are everyday addicting like coke.
Okay I am rambling.....one more of the wonderful effects of M.J.
Gotta get back to work.
Just know yourself, be yourself, follow no one, and expect no help along the way, and you will be fine. People have to learn to depend on themselves.
The hard work of one does more than the prayers of thousands.
take care!

 

[TheMainException]

C. S. Lewis once wrote that, when our time comes, we won't be judged on our successes and failiures; but on whether we are still at our posts, still fighting, still trying. Keep in mind that God - all three Persons - knows even better than you do how hard your fight is.
I "met" you on another thread started by some young man on the Pity Pot who finally went elsewhere when he found out he was actually getting the advice he'd come for. You strike me as being much stronger than you yourself believe. (You ain't bein' brave if you ain't scared to death. Superman ain't brave; Superman can't get hurt.)
It's going to be a long time; but I think you'll get there

I think i remember that thread...lol. I'm not out for pity parties, they make me feel lame. I don't really know why I'm posting here, but I know I had to get it out of me and keep myself busy until my meds kicked in so I didn't go off and do something else. Now I think I'm here to, like Zyphyr said, get ideas...just hear what other christians and people say. Lewis is right, but I feel like I'm not fighting at all hardly. If I wasn't stronger than i believed myself to be...I'd be dead. i'd have offed myself a long time ago...but that in itself is a fight...you have to be brave to kill yourself. Both is facing the unknown, but relying on God is something entirely different. I think you're right...I'll get there, but I know it'll take a long time.


Zyphyr: I know...cocaine is a crazy boat. I was offered powder twice in one day once...and a bunch of other times. I'll never do it. If stuff like pot can make me hungry for it for months on end, I can only imagine what coke would do to me and I'm not willing to give up my freedom like that. I claim to want to be comfortable...but say with my mouth that I want to be uncomfortable. I want to wake up at odd hours, not have a place to sleep, not know what I'll be doing next month, next week or in the next few hours. I want to live by the hair on my chin (strange phrase I picked up from my mom). I want to be comfortable in living in whatever situation that I find myself in. And so, I come up with this need to find comfort in things I used to know...all while knowing I need jesus as my comfort.

I know God wants me to turn from it. I've tried going with it...and now I know I need to stick with him. I've tried other things and now it's time to walk with him and rely on the comfort of my angel that was sent to me. I don't want to be numb anymore...I don't want to feel sick anymore...but a part of me does...and I'm trying to slay that part of me...when I can't. I know I can't, but I still struggle, knife in hand, with myself when I need to stop struggling and merely observe while Jesus takes care of it...

 

[TheMainException]

Well I gave in...took the robo...light dose...nothing extreme...but I still did it. Still made the movement, took action...I'm kinda mad at myself, but if I don't think it's wrong, how mad can I get, right? yea...but I know God didn't want me to do it...but he did warn me. When I was prophesied over, the one said "you will fall but never fail." So I didn't fail, but I did fall. He's not mad, maybe disappointed, but I'm still His and He still loves me...but I still messed up...and I still feel nearly okay about it. In the same breath, I don't really want this, I don't know why I want it. I guess, when the anxiety gets bad enough, I just give in. I haven't been sleeping because of anxiety, and when I get anxious bad enough and have lost enough sleep, I do things I wouldn't normally do. It's a bummer, but it happens and I don't even know how to prevent it. I kinda like it...and I hate liking it.

 

[nataliexcore]

wow.

i totally know how you feel. i really do. you think like i do. i know i shouldn't be doing what i do... and i do anyway. i feel like i connect best with Him when im f---ed up in osme way though. ugh. i wish i knew what to tell you, like some special way to just make it all easier, amke the guilt and depression and urge to use fade. but i cant.

i know you can do this, because i know i can. if i can get through this so can you. good luck. i'm going to pray for you.

 

[BlessEwe]

First off , forgive my spelling.. my ABC doesn't work...

I am a recovery addict, and now work in a recovery home as a counselor. I haven't popped in to read for a while, but I am Thankful today I did.

Abuse of anything ( not just drugs/alcohol) hyper releases chemicals in our brain called dopamine. Others are released as well. Melatonin as you know is the chemical in the brain that induces rest and sleep.

Once we put synthetic, or external ways of releasing these chemicals our body and brain changes to adjust to the overload and then wants it. After a short time we find that we don't feel normal if we don't use or put more into our body, or change the doses ( as you have) to gain the same affect as the first time. ( also overdose can happen very easily).

Abuse will then turn into dependence ( some bodies take a a very short time, others longer.. depending on the drug, how often used, ect.) For instance some can become depended on meth with one use.. a very scary drug for sure. The body screams for it, and with some drugs/alcohol a seizer can happen. This is when medical detox is needed.
I went into the darkside at this point and satan was not going to stop until I was dead. It was like I was pinned down by this dark power of addiction. I came very close to death, and in a blackout I called 911, I know it was God. From here God took over and brought people into my life to help me. I had to get to a place before this would happen.. and it is called Defeat.... coming to the end of ourself's.
For me recovery started when I was at the end of myself. I started Listening. In time hope came in, and in more time healing. Healing from the things that I took drugs/alcohol to numb.

Since we changed the way of our brain, recovery will be for a life time. We have to continue to work on ourself, have a support group ( especially when things are not going well, and you have people watching your back)...

People who are not using, but don't work on themself are called dry drunks... They have the same way of thinking, but just don't use. I find this to be very hard because This is a brain disease. Our brains think using the drugs is the normal function, and will always be on the alert to get to this drug/ect. in time it does get easier. Relying on Will power will only fail most of the time, Relying on God ( for me) who is my Higher Power guides me daily. Meetings and working on myself ( like the 12 steps) keep me focused on the healthy.. not going inward, isolating and in time talking myself into the reasons why I need to use drugs/ alcohol and all of the ways to realease Dopamines to feel better. Again, this is lifelong because if we use again ever, in time it will be just as bad or worse than when we took the last time. This is why many long time AA/NAers have relapsed and died.

I am glad you are searching for answers, God is reaching out to you. Get yourself some help, perhaps just sit in a AA meeting search online for more info. But first pray to God for the truth, and the light to come in. Addiction is darkness and lonelyness. ....Death....

Recovery is looking hard into ourself, changing the things we can with Gods help and excepting the things we can not change... Peace and healing happen.....

I am praying for you, and will check in to see if you have any questions.. or email me ...

There are many in recovery on these boards and are here to help as well. Also there are many drug/alcohol support groups on the web. Perhaps do a drug/alcohol support forum search.

God Bless you and keep you close.

 

[TheMainException]

Hmm...maybe I will do that search for online addiction sites...I'm in germany right now...I'll be here for five months...and I've got a day long hangover headache that refuses to go away. I'm okay with using alcohol and not abusing it and I feel like God is good with that...it's just when I drink it too fast or just drink it to get drunk. Sitting down at a cafe for a glass of wine with a friend is cool, but walking into a room with more alcohol than is safe for consumption for the number of people contained in that same room is not smart either. (although I'll admit I really didn't expect so much alcohol to be there).

I think my biggest problem is that I sway back and forth between wanting to get better and being happy with where I am. I also sway back and forth between doing the drugs and not doing them and a place in the middle where I want to do them but don't.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Hmm...maybe I will do that search for online addiction sites...I'm in germany right now...I'll be here for five months...and I've got a day long hangover headache that refuses to go away.

You know, I have found a great link with all the English speaking AA meetings in Germany. I went to Google and searched for "AA in Germany" and it was the first link, but if you'd like to PM me and I send you the link too.

I'm okay with using alcohol and not abusing it and I feel like God is good with that...it's just when I drink it too fast or just drink it to get drunk. Sitting down at a cafe for a glass of wine with a friend is cool, but walking into a room with more alcohol than is safe for consumption for the number of people contained in that same room is not smart either. (although I'll admit I really didn't expect so much alcohol to be there).

OH MAN, can I relate to this! I also don't think G-d has a lot of problem with having a sip of champagne at a friend's wedding in honor of the bride and groom. In fact, I sort of think He'd condone that! But the person who does have the problem with it is me--usually for me it's a little like a cheeto--you can't eat just one! So for me, unless it is directly a friend's wedding or other significant instance in which I can literally get ONE glass and walk away and toast with that one glass...I usually choose to not start. Seriously if the thought goes through my head that honoring the vows of this couple would honor G-d--then I will knowing to stay within my own personal limits! Because the issue isn't Him (G-d), it's all me!

Now I don't party a lot anymore (I'm an old "mom" type)--and if I do party, it's more likely to be a family gathering than partying. But if I do go to a party and see a keg sitting there, I like beer...or it's tequila or margaritas yeah, don't get me started. In that instance, I drink Cokes because I still have a lot of fun at the party/celebration and don't "get started." In a weird way, it's just easier on me.

I think my biggest problem is that I sway back and forth between wanting to get better and being happy with where I am. I also sway back and forth between doing the drugs and not doing them and a place in the middle where I want to do them but don't.

I totally identify with this too, in that let's be honest, there are parts of it that feel good. I mean feeling all buzzy and loose can be fun and so can being silly. What really made the difference for me (I mean it was like the deciding factor that started the change) was when I had kids. I had other little folks depending on me and they COULDN'T take care of themselves. I was responsible for them and I couldn't take care of them if I couldn't take care of me, right? So I started to figure out how to DO this! And I will mention one thing that I view as kind of a positive. You say, "...I sway back and forth between wanting to get better and being happy with where I am..." and in a way that sounds to me like you have a little positive self-image there! Trust me, that is a VERY GOOD thing. I don't mean boasting on yourself kind of thing--I mean you just know that you're valuable and are happy with yourself. For that, I'm very grateful!


~Faithful

 

[TheMainException]

why don´t you go ahead and pm me the link, I am more likely to keep hold of it that way.

Right, in some situations, saying no to more is easy, such as when a friend and I are just sitting down to ONE glass of wine...me getting six of them would be more than odd.

a little positive self imagine...sometimes...i don´t know why i flow back and forth so much, its weird, but i also plan (plan is the key word, i need to force myself to follow through at times) to track things like that, so i can understand myself better. people tell me to stop trying so hard to understand myself, but i feel it is important and smart and part of the reason god wanted me to be a counselor.

 

[TheMainException]

I feel like this can't even be satan...or else he's trickier than I thought (and I thought he was pretty tricky, which is why I'm even thinking this might be him). I think about God more often when I'm drunk. I haven't yet "tested" this when I'm high yet...cuz, well, I haven't gotten high off pot for probably four or five, maybe going on six months now. The last thing I got high off of was Robo...about three weeks ago. But alcohol is a staple here, and so...I drink half a bottle of wine plus other things every day. But I'm in Germany...so it's okay. LOL. It's OKAY to be drinking alcohol a lot. I love it. But I don't get trashed very often, just happy drunk, and then I think about God. I think about God almost every time I am drunk. And I'm so happy when I'm drunk, it's just wonderful...I'm a happy drunk...and I've got nothing to escape from. I'm not drunk, I'm just tipsy...when I get drunk I get upset mostly because I'm losing control. Control is important...it has always been important. But, as I said, I have nothing to escape from...I'm happy, somewhat bored, but happy. Life in Germany is great...and I'm drinking more than ever...but mostly because I can...not because I should, or I need to...but because I can...and I like it...is that wrong? Is it a trick that I think about God when I'm drunk, that I enjoy being drunk and also think about God more when I'm drunk than when I'm sober?

 

[TheMainException]

I've never really been concerned, per se, about myself...not worried...merely upset that I was the way I was...that I did things I ought not do. But as time goes on and my life waxes and wanes, I come upon times where I really find that the so called "bad" things I do...really aren't bad...and I don't know why they are bad but that christians claim they are. Some things God wants me not to do for some times...that's understandable...but I do think Christians flip a lid over stupid stuff. But even things I have an inkling God is against...I find so enjoyable...so loving, beautiful and unique, I can hardly stay away...I am nicely tipsy now. I'm happy. I touch a hand to my face and find that very experience not just something unconscious that happens, but something wonderful to be happy about. I try and often transfer this type of thing to normal living, and so far I've been doing good...but the experience will never be the same.

I await for the holy drunkness he spoke to me about in sober moments...but I feel I'll never get there for my impatient self covers over what I must do before reaching that point. And although I doubt any words anyone could say would ever change my actions...I have hope that anything that is said might alter my movements of the future...that they might somehow stick with me and change me...somehow.

 

[TheMainException]

I had stayed off of pot for a good long while...and now I'm back on it...doing it from time to time...but I can't get high anymore...not like I used to. It would take three joints to get me high now. I think it is God's doing...an answer to a prayer I think I might have prayed one day while high and upset that I was disobeying God. Whatever the cause, I hope it works in me for the best.