Temporary Separation

[AirForceTeacher]

Desi,

I have had a problem with porn in the past (in recession.) I have spent too much time on the computer or reading, ignoring the family, not pitching in where I should. I screamed at the counselor and at my wife when they dared to tell me that I had to forgive my parents. My anger was always just beneath the surface.

Since the separation, my wife has called other people (pastors and psychs) twice because she was worried about me being suicidal. Almost every time we get together and talk about the boundaries I lose it and either get mad or ask her why she doesn't love me anymore.

It is my fault. I can point to my parents and the messed up childhood that grew the personaility disorder I'm fighting. I can point at my wife's quirks and insecurities and the way she's seemed to withdraw. I can do a lot of things.

But, I know I have some behavioral issues that need to change. I'm afraid they never will, but I'm trying. I'm afraid that I will never truly love her or the kids, that I'm literally incapable of love. That's not hyperbole, that's a true and accurate assesment of the emotional abilities of a narcissist.

I pray for healing from the narcisissm and the fake self, then wonder if God's even paying attention to this hypocrite. My counselors both tell me they've seen wondrous changes in me, but my wife still doesn't want to be around me. I have no idea why she wants to go out for our anniversary tomorrow, but I'll take what I can get and show up with flowers tomorrow night.

I'm scared, angry and confused, sometimes all at once. I feel tremendous guilt at my actions, then the next moment honestly ask myself if I was really that bad.

My marriage may never be restored. Most days, it feels like it's too late, that I've screwed it up completely. All I can hope for is that I can change my behavior to serve God, and that I can change my heart to want to. If God's purpose is for me to serve Him alone and without a wife, because having a wife distracts me from Him, then I'm ashamed to admit it, but that may be the only way.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Great date. We held hands, and when I said happy anniversary on the way to the movie, I got my smile! The closed mouth, upturned corners and crinkled nose! During the movie we held hands for part and she didn't mind me putting my hand on her leg and stroking her knee.

After the movie we kinda talked just a little about her upcoming school. She's bummed because if she takes part time classes, it will take her two years to finish. I told her to go part time now to see how difficult it is, then when I finish school and go back to work, I can help out and she can try full time. She said I'd have to help a lot. I said I want to. I want to even without school. She said, "But are you only doing it because you're afraid of losing me. I don't want to hear from you 5-10 years from now that you only did it to keep me." I said no, but that is part of it. I mentioned what I had posted a couple of weeks ago, that I was really enjoying spending time with the kids. I also have to give them that time. I didn't say it to her, but I truly feel an urgency to give them the time with me that I didn't have with my dad, to not let them grow up with the same issues I have. I don't want to see Cody and Nick grow up as narcissists who don't know who dad is, who get bitter when they see other men tallk about the love of their dads.

I so want her back, and tonite was just wonderful.

 

[desi]

Desi,

I have had a problem with porn in the past (in recession.) I have spent too much time on the computer or reading, ignoring the family, not pitching in where I should. I screamed at the counselor and at my wife when they dared to tell me that I had to forgive my parents. My anger was always just beneath the surface.

Since the separation, my wife has called other people (pastors and psychs) twice because she was worried about me being suicidal. Almost every time we get together and talk about the boundaries I lose it and either get mad or ask her why she doesn't love me anymore.

It is my fault. I can point to my parents and the messed up childhood that grew the personaility disorder I'm fighting. I can point at my wife's quirks and insecurities and the way she's seemed to withdraw. I can do a lot of things.

But, I know I have some behavioral issues that need to change. I'm afraid they never will, but I'm trying. I'm afraid that I will never truly love her or the kids, that I'm literally incapable of love. That's not hyperbole, that's a true and accurate assesment of the emotional abilities of a narcissist.

I pray for healing from the narcisissm and the fake self, then wonder if God's even paying attention to this hypocrite. My counselors both tell me they've seen wondrous changes in me, but my wife still doesn't want to be around me. I have no idea why she wants to go out for our anniversary tomorrow, but I'll take what I can get and show up with flowers tomorrow night.

I'm scared, angry and confused, sometimes all at once. I feel tremendous guilt at my actions, then the next moment honestly ask myself if I was really that bad.

My marriage may never be restored. Most days, it feels like it's too late, that I've screwed it up completely. All I can hope for is that I can change my behavior to serve God, and that I can change my heart to want to. If God's purpose is for me to serve Him alone and without a wife, because having a wife distracts me from Him, then I'm ashamed to admit it, but that may be the only way.

AirForceTeacher,

I'm happy for you your date went well. Women need love and attention. For now you are the one she gets it from, I pray for your sake this remains the case despite your self loathing. Giving up intermittent sex from my wife during the separation was actually one of the hardest parts to overcoming the separation but it was well worth it. Anger, bad parents, confusion, looking at porn, guilt, and other behavioral issues must be dealt with if you take issue with them. Not if your wife does. You have many politically correct reasons to blame yourself, I have yet to hear you utter one Biblically correct reason for your wife or you to forsake you and your marriage. Take the heat if you deserve to but not if you don't. Your heart seems to be for your marriage to be whole, your wife's actions define her heart as otherwise.

Forgive me for being so pragmatic when it comes to women. All my life so long as I can remember I've lived wtih my mother leaving my father and four other husbands for diverse reasons which had no correlation to the Bible's teachings. What I offer is out of love and respect and hope against hope for my fellow men stuck in the moral quagmire of today's society where men are encouraged to think like women and respect asinine choices women make to the detriment of their marriages. If you would follow your wife to the gutted hulk of a happy marriage which once was I can not stop you. All I am now is one lone minority voice in the wilderness. I am John the Baptist before Jesus's arrival, a man before his time waiting for history to catch up. I ask if counseling is so great why does half of all marriages end in divorce despite it? I say the Bible says women are not to leave their husbands and only men can divorce their wives for one reason, why then do Christian women leave their husbands? My queries are met with silence, rage, or ridicule. I post my experience following God's word and still resistance pops up. I'm not surprised but I am tired. God will either open your eyes from my perspective or not. I pray for your marriage nonetheless.

desi

 

[cjba]

AFT,

One piece of advise, don't bring up the word divorce to your wife. I know when we were going through our trial, I often brought up the nasty word "divorce" My hubby would tell me over and over again that this was not something he was seeking. The only thing I could think of was; I never imagined myself divorced. Yet, if only I would of taken the time to really listen to what was being said. I was so consumed with the hurt that divorce keep flashing in my head.

I would say that we are now working on the same team. I no longer see divorce as an option for us. I pray that you two will soon do the same.

As for the guidance that your wife is seeking: I must admit that it is unfortunate the influences that she has around her. However, she is still not asking for divorce and if this woman who is guiding her claims to have a better realtionship with her hubby after the separation, I would say that is what your wife is seeking at this point and time.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I didn't actually say divorce. What happened: Her friend is currently separated from her husband. He's started drinking again, and does it in front of the kids. I mentioned that I would never drink in front of the kids. My wife snapped back that that doesn't mean we don't have issues. So we started to talk about my drinking.

I asked if she was OK with my drinking. Se said she'll never ne 'OK' with it, but she's not gonna tell me I can't. I asked her if she was gonna stay separated if I didn't stop drinking. That's what she took as me taling about divorce. I do worry that she won't take me back. I don't like to think about divorce, and I didn't bring it up this time, but she thought I did. I have in the past, because it's hard to trust he when she says I love you but won't hug or kiss me. That's my insecurity. I have to deal with it and not hurt her with it.

Today she clarified that while she's not 'ok' with my drinking, she thinks I handle my drinking in a very adult and responsible way and she thinks it's commendable. I drink maybe 5-6 times a year. I drink no more than 3 at a sitting and never drive after more than 2. I don't drink around her without asking persmission and I don't drink around the kids. I have told her that I would probably quit once my oldest was in high school, becuase I don't want the fact that Dad thinks drinking is OK to influence him until he's old enough to drink responsibly. (Some) Adults can quit at 3. Teenagers won't.

I don't want a divorce, but sometimes I think she does. (I know that's wrong, but I still struggle with it. ) She sounds like she's not gonna take me back until not wanting to be alone is not the reason for wanting to get back together. I don't think it's the whole reason or even most of it anymore, but it does scare me. I do woorry though, because I don't think it will ever NOT be part of the reason, and I think she's aiming for that. That I can't help. I can only do my best to love her and show her love so she can trust me.

 

[sarah marie]

Just curious...Have you ever read the book of Hosea?

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I'll bite. No I havn't, but I know a little about it. What part are you suggesting I read? My wife hasn't been unfaithful. As best as I can tell, most (90%) of the problems in the marraige are caused by me?

 

[sarah marie]

I'm not asking to suggest that your wife has been unfaithful. It does give testimony to God's unconditional love and how it works through us. Hosea was guided by God to pursue and win back his wife through his own loving behavior towards her. I realize that Gomer was the one who was clearly in the wrong, but God's love prevails even if the tables are turned or regardless of how the guilt is shared. By submitting yourself to the Holy Spirit, every contact with your wife becomes an opportunity for God to win her back and reconcile her to you. Seek His counsel, his will and let Him give you the words and actions.

Still praying for you and your family.

Sarah Marie

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks, Sarah! That was great! I think God has already been sllwly moving me toward that attitude. Yesterday I told my wife that I've thought of her as my best friend for years. She replied that because it's been so hard for her to share with me, she's shut that off in her life and heart and doesn't feel the same way about me. I want to win that back, I want to be the person she can rely on after God.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Great counseling appointment today, then hung out with my wife for a few hours, gave her a massage while we talked. She was kind of hurt by a friend last night, and she really opened up to me last night. I felt blessed, because she's said she couldn't do that with me before. During the conversation, I know I was talking too much and I though I'd blown it (again) but today she told the counselor that she appreciated it lat night.

Things are looking better, but she still feels some distrust of me, and I don't blame her. I'm trying to work it out and act out the correct love toward her.

 

[cjba]

It's nice to see that you see some positive light in the situation.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

It was good today. I may have pushed it a bit too far, but she's not upset, we're kinda joking about it.

 

[oldrooster]

Still good to hear that you are working on it.....

 

[AirForceTeacher]

My wife's been out of town this week visiting her mom, so this week's been pretty tame. I'm at the house watching the kids, and mostly having fun.

We talk on the phone most days, and it's been pretty good. There's an estate auction aound the corner from her mom's house and she wants to buy some furniture. When we talk about it, it's clear that she's assuming we'll be back together, which is nice to hear.

Just rambling, I know...

 

[Warrior Poet]

Did you say you were joking about stuff?? YEAH!!!!!!!..... ATF.... ramble away my friend mad props..... Very very happy for you.

Warrior Poet

 

[desi]

You're being her platonic confidant and helping out with the kids... This is the total opposite of how I did things. Maybe God fixes things differently for different people, but I've got a Missouri streak in me. I'm praying for your marriage.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Hey all, I am really struggling today. Please pray for me, especially around 4 EST, as I have a counseling appt then.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Got into a heavy discussion with my wife before my counseling today. After the session I was coming home and she called me to say "I am not impatient. I am not giving you a time limit to change, and I am not going to jump in and tell you to come back just because of time."

We got into another heavy discussion, and it ended poorly. I am glad to hear that she is not impatient and has no desire to divorce, that she's not planning it. SHe is planning wat she has to do if we do divorce because she's afraid I'm gonna come back to her and say I can't change, I give up. I'm afraid she's gonna leave me because I don't change fast enough, she seems to be afraid I'm gonna leave her.

I'm hurting for her presence and affections right now, just to take a nap with her, with my arms around her. She tells me I can't demand affections. I'm not trying to, but I guess I am or I am coming across that way.

And in all of this, I'm still struggling daily with faith in God. I want so much to feel His tender, acceting love for me, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am special to Him, but I'm afraid. I told my counselor today that I'm scared that the second I filly open up to God, I'll find out that, no He doesn't love that way. I know that's wrong, but I don't know it in my heart. It's so hard to believe in love right now, and truthfully, it has been my whole life.

However, the kids are very happy to have me here watching them while Mom's out of town, and I'm having fun with the kids.

 

[cjba]

Are you sure you know what your wife really wants? She gives confusing messages in giving you no time limit, yet, she mentions she is planning in case a divorce takes place. I'm not sure if she knows what she wants. She may know what God wants her do but, is she following His guidance or guidance of others?

I'm glad to hear that you have this wonderful opportunity to spend time with your children. I'm sure this feels like a special gift to you and the children. To have some of the regular activities together of daily life.

As always you and your family continue to be in my prayers.

God Bless

 

[desi]

I almost quoted some of your stuff and replied but I've already done it. I pray for your children.