Taking the her last name

[coloradoguy]

So, does Christ submit to the Church? Or does the Church submit to Christ?

What does this have anything to do with submission? In fact, before May this idea had not even come up, we had even ordered some wedding things to reflect my last name. I was talking to her while we were waiting on a flight to Chicago treats us versus how her family does, and how we get left out the loop all the time, basically are outsiders within the family, and now that my sister and bro-in-law are going to start having kids soon we'll drop further down on the totem pole. We, at least I, forgot about the conversation, but when we landed, she mentions "What if you took my last name?" At first, I was kind of surprised, but I said "Huh, well, I think about that." She understood, and never really reminded me about it.
That was in May, I made the decision about two weeks ago. We talked it out about what all we will need to do then, and changed wedding things, did research, and for the most part, know what we're doing. We are expecting a lot of questions, misunderstandings, etc. I'm not doing this because she told me to, but because I love her and her family, and we, as a couple, recognize we are family is. We're not putting ourselves under her father and mother, we're declaring who are family is, and were we belong. We don't belong in my family, we never have, and probably never will. We will always have a place in her's.

 

[coloradoguy]

From what I understand....the culture behind the name change has little to do with Scripture and more to do with women being property (changing hands from the father to the husband). I like this idea much better (taking on the name of choice).

That's where I have always thought it came from as well.

 

[forest flower]

Option 3: Get a new name altogether.

Last names a relatively new thing (used to just be the son/daughter of), as a new couple why not take a new name for yourselves. Just saying, I've never heard anyone consider doing this.

Ultimately just do what feels best for you two, it is your marriage not anyone else's.

 

[Inkachu]

Another thing to bear in mind is your children aka both of your parents' grandchildren. Are you OK with them not having your parents' name? Are you OK with further isolating yourselves and your children from their paternal grandparents? Just stuff to think about for the future.

 

[mkgal1]

Another thing to bear in mind is your children aka both of your parents' grandchildren. Are you OK with them not having your parents' name? Are you OK with further isolating yourselves and your children from their paternal grandparents? Just stuff to think about for the future.

Is that usually an issue when a woman takes the husband's name, though? If not....then why would it be (or should it be) in this instance?

If you do this, ColoradoGuy...I don't know if you really need to justify it to anyone--including your parents (that's a good example of you and your wife cleaving to one another, actually....I think).

 

[Hetta]

What does this have anything to do with submission? In fact, before May this idea had not even come up, we had even ordered some wedding things to reflect my last name. I was talking to her while we were waiting on a flight to Chicago treats us versus how her family does, and how we get left out the loop all the time, basically are outsiders within the family, and now that my sister and bro-in-law are going to start having kids soon we'll drop further down on the totem pole. We, at least I, forgot about the conversation, but when we landed, she mentions "What if you took my last name?" At first, I was kind of surprised, but I said "Huh, well, I think about that." She understood, and never really reminded me about it.
That was in May, I made the decision about two weeks ago. We talked it out about what all we will need to do then, and changed wedding things, did research, and for the most part, know what we're doing. We are expecting a lot of questions, misunderstandings, etc. I'm not doing this because she told me to, but because I love her and her family, and we, as a couple, recognize we are family is. We're not putting ourselves under her father and mother, we're declaring who are family is, and were we belong. We don't belong in my family, we never have, and probably never will. We will always have a place in her's.

I think it's a great idea and if you are both on board with it, it does not matter what anyone else thinks at all. It's between you and your future wife only. Good luck!

 

[coloradoguy]

Is that usually an issue when a woman takes the husband's name, though? If not....then why would it be (or should it be) in this instance?

If you do this, ColoradoGuy...I don't know if you really need to justify it to anyone--including your parents (that's a good example of you and your wife cleaving to one another, actually....I think).

I think it's a great idea and if you are both on board with it, it does not matter what anyone else thinks at all. It's between you and your future wife only. Good luck!

I'm really not letting what people say impacting our decision, thank you for the reminder. It is nice to get a feel for different reactions though.



Thanks to all of you for the luck!

 

[Inkachu]

Is that usually an issue when a woman takes the husband's name, though? If not....then why would it be (or should it be) in this instance?

No, because it's normal and expected within the realm of our culture. Purposefully going against the grain might come across as a "slight" to his side of the family (especially since they're already on bad terms, per the OP himself). I doubt it's going to endear this man and his new wife to his family.

 

[akmom]

Just saying, I've never heard anyone consider doing this.

My husband wanted to do this, but we were too lazy. After we had kids, it wasn't worth the hassle of changing everyone's names. He had a meaningful one picked out too. It was from earlier in his family's history. But the main reason was to avoid being associated with some of the less law-abiding members of his family, in a small community. Since we didn't stay there, it doesn't matter anyway.

For the OP, it doesn't sound like this would be as much of an option, since he's not really trying to escape his own last name, so much as take on his wife's family's. Plus it can be really expensive to change your last name(s) if you're not simply taking on the spouse's name. There are court fees and sometimes you have to take out newspaper ads too.

 

[LinkH]

I know it's probably a long shot, but I am wondering if any of husbands on here took their wife's last name instead of her taking his? I have thought about this, and am planning on doing so. Basically, both my wife and I feel apart of her family than mine, and in reality are many ways more involved and such.
If so, how did you explain it to your parents, friends, etc.? No one knows except her parents who, though at first taken back, were very supportive and flattered I would choose to take hers and their last name.

I wouldn't do it for the symbolism of the whole thing. When you marry your wife, she joins your family. She joins your clan. She takes your name and becomes part of your family. If you take her name, then what does that say? I respect cultures that don't have the tradition of taking the name, but in our culture, it's one of the few commonly-accepted things that indicates wives submitting to husbands and the husband being the head of the wife that are left, that, and men paying for dates and doing the proposing and asking out.

If you take your wife's name, that communicates to other people that she's in charge, that she added you to her family. It may not mean that to you, but it could mean that as far as others are concerned.

If you hyphenate your names, some people will interpret that the same way. Others will think of you as all into feminist equality.

If you don't like your name, why don't you re-name yourself with something related to the other name, like a translation of it into English or another language if that works. Then you can both take that name.

My wife is from a country where they don't legally change names, and the woman could be referred to socially by either her husband's or her own last name. They have a word for the woman's family name or maiden name and refer to women that way. Anyway, we changed her name on some of her Indonesian paperwork to add my last name, but did not change her other paperwork in the US when we lived overseas because we had a visa in her maiden name for her to come into the US. We ended up getting her a greencard in her maiden name to speed things along. I didn't know how to do name changes overseas, at least in the time we had. So she ended up keeping that on her paperwork for about 9 years. It costs $350, I think, to change a name on a greencard. We change it on her greencard when we renewed it years later, but it costs nearly as much to do a state name change around here with the costs of newspaper advertising and government fees, which is a very anti-marriage type law, IMO.

If I had it to do over, I'd have done the name change thing earlier. My wife wanted our family name on her paperwork, and I don't want people seeing the kids birth certificates and thinking we weren't married.

 

[mkgal1]

Others will think of you as all into feminist equality.

Oh! The horrors! Certainly no one would want to be mistaken for *that*!

Fortunately, ColoradoGuy has said he and his future wife aren't too concerned about what others really think about it (which is such a great attitude to have).

 

[LinkH]

We don't belong in my family, we never have, and probably never will. We will always have a place in her's.

Have you ever thought of your last name as your last name, rather than just your family's?

 

[coloradoguy]

Others will think of you as all into feminist equality.

Since you brought it up, we actually are. She's even giving herself away at the wedding. Her dad is still walking her down the isle of course (otherwise that would be weird), but when asked "Who gives this woman away?" he's answering "Herself, her mother, and I". Most of our friends have congratulated her on the decision to that.

 

[coloradoguy]

Oh! The horrors! Certainly no one would want to be mistaken for *that*!

Forbid that we see each other as equals!

 

[mkgal1]

Forbid that we see each other as equals!

I know....right?

 

[coloradoguy]

Have you ever thought of your last name as your last name, rather than just your family's?

Yes, that did come up during the two months I thought this thing through.

 

[Inkachu]

Since you brought it up, we actually are. She's even giving herself away at the wedding. Her dad is still walking her down the isle of course (otherwise that would be weird), but when asked "Who gives this woman away?" he's answering "Herself, her mother, and I". Most of our friends have congratulated her on the decision to that.

Nobody asked "who's giving this woman away" at my wedding, because nobody WAS. As you said, I gave myself to my husband. That is an old, antiquated statement that smacks of patriarchal rule. Anyway... I walked down the aisle myself and there was no talking of giving anyone away I had my parents walk down together before me as a gesture of respect and honor, though.

 

[mkgal1]

I did have my daddy walk me down the aisle (I'm so glad, because he passed away only five years later).....but our minister didn't ask that question, my dad just gave me a kiss at the end of the aisle and hugged my husband.

Not that ColoradoGuy asked.....but this site has several alternatives: Giving Away the Bride: Traditions and Alternatives

 

[akmom]

My wife wanted our family name on her paperwork, and I don't want people seeing the kids birth certificates and thinking we weren't married.

With all three of my children, the paperwork asked for the father's full name and the mother's maiden name, and that's what is on the children's birth certificates. "John Smith" and "Jane Doe" - even though I was already "Jane Smith" before any of the kids were born. My birth certificate shows my mother with her maiden name also, though they were married several years before my birth. That's just how they do it.

 

[LinkH]

I'm all for the father saying he gives his daughter in marriage, since in the Bible, that's what fathers did. I saw a Filippino wedding where father and mother walked the bride down the aisle and gave her away. The ceremony was only slightly different.

I got married in Indonesia. When we got to that part of the ceremony, he said "I do, and my family [family name withheld]." I can't remember exactly, but he may have stomped when he did it, a sign of pride in his family name, maybe.

I don't think I would have married my wife if her father had not agreed. When I was considering getting married as a young man, I studied the Bible to determine what makes a marriage a marriage. I could not find any evidence of a priest, elder, clergyman, or pastor uniting couples. What I did see was the father giving the bride away. There are exceptions of course (e.g. the father was dead, the marriage of slaves. etc.), but that was the normal way it was done.

I correspond with a brother through FaceBook who is part of a house church community where they do away with a clergyman performing ceremony and the father of the bride does it.