Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Soulwings]

Sorry I've not been around in a bit, uni's been keeping me super busy.

...

Bec, good to hear from you!! but I wish that you were doing better. You don't need to purge, love, and you do need to eat... I thought that you were going to be seeing a personal trainer this term? What happened to that? because s/he should be keeping tabs on overexercising and all, and making sure that you eat (well, as much as a personal trainer could do that, anyway). I wish I could help you more... you are a lovely person inside and out - there is no need to torture yourself, sweetie. I will be praying for you...

...

Sarah, I also know that feeling... I hate seeing my NP because while she's an amazing person (what other professional that you can think of breaks her arm while climbing in a tree? and she's so kind and gentle), I always feel like I'm going to be yelled at or sent to hos, and I don't want or need either of those things. I hope that the appt went okay...

How is your family doing? what have you been up to lately?

...

Katey, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well for you either, seems like all of us are struggling somehow, which sucks. Is there anything I can do to help? I wish there would be something more than praying and supporting you on here, but you live so far away!! haha. Anyway... are things going any better today? what's one good thing that's happened lately?

...

And guess what - I'm struggling too. Eating hasn't been too good - I've been missing a good amount of kcal, so what I am eating is a fair amount less than what I "should" be eating (as ordered by my N, anyway). But I don't know how to fix that, because I can't really pack a lot more food on T/Th and I am not really all that hungry anyway. I eat over starvation diet and I think that that should be enough for my body, but it's not, I'm hideously fat and ugly and I hate it!! I also am really sick of life and just want to die, but it's passive suicidality, which means I'm not going to do anything about it. It's just a feeling. A sucky one, but just a feeling. I do NOT need to go to hos... I refuse to let my mental health get in the way of my success this term. :-S

And Jarrod and I have been having an issue about intimacy. I guess it's common for girls/women who have been sexually molested/assaulted to have issues with sexuality when it comes time to have "sexual relations," as my NP so tacitly puts it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am just not interested a lot of the time, and it's frustrating Jarrod, and he is frustrated that he is frustrated, and wants to fix this, but doesn't know how... so it looks like we will be going in for couples' therapy with my T, if she agrees to set up a session or two for us. Ugh. I really don't want to do that, and I'm scared of how it will go... I also know that you could say that I should just give my body to Jarrod as an act of love, but that's what it's been for the past months and I am SICK of doing that. Any advice/suggestions?? please??

s to all...

 

[katey]

April, hun im so so sorry that your struggling as much as you are right now, im glad to here your not going to do anything about that feeling, but not so glad at all that thats how your feeling. i know you dont want to let Mental health get in the way of uni but soemtimes by trying so hard not tolet it, it almost smiles at that and makes you feel worse and we end up getting really stressed out about it. (i think thats what happened with me wen i started uni)

i wish i could say more to help you but not sure what to say. just know that am thinking of you loads.

im just of to see my psych doc now so panicking a bit but ill do my best to get back on later and write a bit less rushed reply xxxx

thinking of you all, and hopefully be back later (if dont get admitted that is )

 

[katey]

Hey everyone, sorry my last post was rushed. hope youve all had a good day x

Hey Bec, how you doing hun, i completly agree with what Aprils said. take care of you hun your worth so much more xxx

Sarah, howd your app go? was thinking of you loads xx

April, your not fat and ugly at all. remeber we dont see what others see, others can see the beauty thats hidden from us. but IT IS THERE! how about talking about which foods you could eat, instead of trying to eat more food, think about which foods youll get more nutrition and things from. i dont know if thats an option or not but might help talking about it, maybe then worrying about how much wont be as bad. ?? i dont know just a thought. And as for that not hungry feeling, i think our bodies get used to that, and we stop feeling it/block it out so you possibly are hungry your just not feeling it ( sorry im starting to sound way too like a dietician lol will shush)
Having passive suicidality is very very sucky indeed, i agree with you there.

im not great with offering advice on the 'sexual relationship' side of things because well yeah i cant handle it either at all, ive tried and didnt go too well. all i can say is make sure its for you, its hard i know because we feel we should but in the long term it really wont help matters. you need to be able to feel ok with it, and really ok not just say it. its so so hard for both sides. unfortuantly they cant 'fix it' as much as they want to they can just support us thoruh trying to deal with it/work on the issues we have. its not easy, nowhere near easy. but yeah maybe talking to T might be an idea see whats suggested.
ANd im going to say that you SHOULDNT just give youd body to him for an act of love because thats not the right reasons to do it.
hope that helped a littlexxx


erm me, lets see one good thing...............................didnt get admitted, thats a good thing.

id come say hi, lol but yeah its a lllooooonnnnnggggg journey. lol.

things arent going the way they should be, theyre not going up ~(getting better) theyre going down and pretty fast(getting worse) should be used to it by now shouldnt i!!! i dont knowits just theres one thing after another at the minute and i cant cope with it all, on top of my moods being all over the place. and me not feeling with it

thinking of you alll

 

[beckybooiloveu]

Sorry I've not been around in a bit, uni's been keeping me super busy.

Bec, good to hear from you!! but I wish that you were doing better. You don't need to purge, love, and you do need to eat... I thought that you were going to be seeing a personal trainer this term? What happened to that? because s/he should be keeping tabs on overexercising and all, and making sure that you eat (well, as much as a personal trainer could do that, anyway). I wish I could help you more... you are a lovely person inside and out - there is no need to torture yourself, sweetie. I will be praying for you...

And guess what - I'm struggling too. Eating hasn't been too good - I've been missing a good amount of kcal, so what I am eating is a fair amount less than what I "should" be eating (as ordered by my N, anyway). But I don't know how to fix that, because I can't really pack a lot more food on T/Th and I am not really all that hungry anyway. I eat over starvation diet and I think that that should be enough for my body, but it's not, I'm hideously fat and ugly and I hate it!! I also am really sick of life and just want to die, but it's passive suicidality, which means I'm not going to do anything about it. It's just a feeling. A sucky one, but just a feeling. I do NOT need to go to hos... I refuse to let my mental health get in the way of my success this term. :-S

*HUGS* april. I know what you mean about the uni keeping you super busy. Im absolutely snowed under as well... even though it is actually holidays for this week (mid semester break) I have a bazillion assignments due first up after the holidays so thats what im doin for the next week. But on the plus side i only have 4 more weeks of classes and then exams... and then i graduate from this degree... yay...

Umm... the purging and not eatin hasnt improved... in fact its probably even a bit worse because im not really eating at all.. and still purging a few times a day (basically just any water i have drunk... ) I am seeing a personal trainer. but it was a special deal i got and so he is jsut a 3rd year exercise science student who is supervised by an exercise physiologist... so I dont think he would have much knowlegde on eating/nutrition etc... and as for the over exercising... i havent been telling him all the exercise i do... basically just saying that i have done what he programmed for me to do... so he doesnt really have any idea...
I have been all over the place emotionally... crying all the time... staying in my room/even in bed as much as i can (apart from when i go to the gym and when i have to go to work)... im even missing uni because i dont want to leave my room because i either feel too gross or because im crying... adn im really behind in uni because im so distracted by thinspo atm... i spent 8 hours looking at and watching thinspo today... after calling in to work stressed about assignments (when i really just didnt want to leave my room)... so there went 8hrs of valuable assingment time down the drain... jsut sooo all over the place... and april... i think you mentioned or maybe it was katey something about passive suicidality? Ive never heard the term before... but i think it is a good way to describe how im feeling... i just dont want to be alive anymore... im tired and dont know what to do... I even OD'd last week... which i ahvent done in ages... i took all the pills in my medicine cabinet... luckily there wasnt enough in there... i guess... gahhh... just so all over the place...

April hun *BIG BIG HUGS* im sorry to hear you are struggling so much. But try and remember that you are beautiful and that you are made in gods image. we love you and he loves you too we are all here for you! And as for the intimacy and sexual stuff... im sorry but i am absolutely no help there at all... very little experience and even if i had I can not relate to the sexual abuse at all... im so sorry that you are struggling with it though and you are in my prayers!!!

things arent going the way they should be, theyre not going up ~(getting better) theyre going down and pretty fast(getting worse) should be used to it by now shouldnt i!!! i dont knowits just theres one thing after another at the minute and i cant cope with it all, on top of my moods being all over the place. and me not feeling with it

Katey, Im sorry things are not going the way they should be and that things are getting worse. Its not always fair how life never goes the way we want it to or the way we expect. And no... i dont think you should be getting used to it... no one should have to get used to the horrible ongoing downwards rollercoaster which we all seem to be riding at the moment... *BIG HUGS* hang in there hun. my thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

[katey]

Hey Bec , yay on nearly graduation hun thats fab.

I'm sorry eating side of things isnt going too well for you. purging when not eating anything, isnt good hun it can really mess things up for you and leave you unwell physically aswell as not in a good place mentally. Your body needs that water hun. please be careful.
Maybe you could ask him about nutrition stuff, see what he says, i kno its hard to talk and inquire about stuff but you could try and just see what happens, maybe if he doesnt. i know you may have heard it before, but he cant help you properly if your not honest with him, you need to be carful with how much your doing especially with noteating and purging hun. i know im not the best person to be giving advice about all this, as not in the best placemyself but please please be careful, its not a good path to go down hun.

Crying is ok! it often helps even though we dont realise it, does anyone in RL know how your feeling hun. withdrawing yourself away from people and activities espcially uni, although it is easier to do stay away from everyone and just be on you own, is one big sign of depression aswell. and it actually has a negative effect on how your feeling and the longer you do it the longer it takes to get back into things.
Thinspo is addictive, but its not realistic! Ive been there ive done it so many times, and still sometimes have to stop myself looking at it. its so hard i kno hun, but try to fnd something you enjoy watchin (thats not thinspo) and when you feel you want to watch it or read it put that film or music on. and like you said that was valuable assignment time, you dont want to let your studies be any more effected by this.

APril did mention the passive suicidality, its where you think about dying, being dead but arent going to do anything about it, its just a passive thought

Im sorry that thats how your feeling hun i wish i could do more, i really do. and i know you not going to like what i say now but i really do think you need to talk to someone about how your feeling, its hard its so so hard but its the first step. theres a difference between being passively suicidal and being suicidal and doing soemthing about it, ie taking an OD. what if youd have really hurt yourself hun, i know that at the time thats probably how you were feeling, and possibly may still be but i also think that you just want to stop feeling all this pain and hurt and emotion and unfortunalty ODin doesnt help. please think about talking to someone about it. i'm just worried that your trying to get through this on you own (i know we are all here for you, butsometimes we need that actual support) its a very very lonely place to be.

I'm sorry that was a long reply but i wanted you to know were listening to you if you need to talk am here anytime.



and thanks hun i know shouldnt have to get used to it, but strangely i think i am, although its effecting me differently every time something happens.


**POSS TRIGG**- Ab**E


Ive got a rough week coming up and really not looking forward to it. I have to try and get through, knowing that in less than a week the person who abused me and has been in prison the last five years could be out on parole, if hes granted it. and even if he doesnt get it, hes got less than a year to serve, and its going so so quick!!!!!!!!! I'm so so scared, people seem to think that its just the 'event' of him being released thats scaring me but its not its him, and no matter how many times im saying it nobody is getting it. i got told the other day again by my cpn that im older now, im and adult im twentyone im not the little girl i was when it happend so i can deal wih it better now, i would be able to stand up to him if i saw him!!!!!!! i'm sorry but what exactly is different ?????? just because my age number has changed and i have grown a little does not mean that im now not scared, and im going to be able to stand there and stand up to him!!!!!!! i got so annoyed with her about it. she doesnt get it. people keep telling me hes not going to be able to get me ( he has made a humber of threats towards me, before and while being in prison, mainly the fact he is going to k**l me when he gets out!) theyre saying that theyre putting all this stuf in place, but its not helping me feel any better about it, dont get me wrong i do appreciate it all as ive told them i do and theyve been really really good but its not helping

**TRIG END**








eurghm so yeah im not in good place right now either (nout new there i know) really struggling with controlling anything right now, urges are really bad, and yeah ive not had any energy to fight them either, my eating well yeah i would say isnt goo but wasnt good to start with i cant handle n e thing at all. its draining me, yet it feel so good (sorry Bec i know im a bit of a hypocrit at the minute) i dont know if im coming or going, one minute im ok, next im a complete mess, then im going into a rage and then i just collapse in a heap. AARRGGHHH i dont know. part of me is thinking i real really need to let someone help me, let them see how bad it is (although my best mate nearly saw it all the other day) but then i know what happens if they do and i dont want that!!! why is it so complecated why cant just for once, it be easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(




Anyway hows everyone else doing, April, Sarah, Lady bug everyone ??? thinking of you all

 

[katey]

Hey, hows everyone doing? thinking of you all. x


i just wanted to come on, and let you know how the parole stuff went (the stuff i ranted about in previous entry) he withdrew his application half way through the hearing so hes still in prison.

Dont get me wrong its a good thing im just a bit lost now, i know how everyones expecting me to feel, and think i should feel but im not. i dont know how i am feeling i want to cry and cant. i was numb wen i heard yesterday but today im just flat, it didnt help that my moods been so low anyway.

eugh anyway im just a bit lost at the minute and struggling. Im in a very bad place ED wise. my docs are really worried at the minute. i got some tests results back on monday and had to go for an urgent appointment for further tests on tuesday and im back at the doc tomorrow. my doc has said that im slowly killing myself, or thats how its seeming to them. Shes been really good though. theyr thinking that i need to be in hospital so they can try and take over and stop any ireversible damage being done. but honeslty i dont care at the minute, ive got no energy ive not got the fight to fight them so not sure whats going to happen now.

April, Bec, Sarah, Lady bug?? hope your all ok xxxxx

 

[Criada]

(((((Katey)))))
I'm glad he didn't get parole!
There's no right or wrong way to feel, sweetie.. no "should". Your feelings are what they are, no-one has the right to tell you what you should be feeling.
Hospital is probably a good idea if you are not in a safe place at the moment, sweetie I know it's horrible, but you need some help until you can get back to a place whre you can keep yourself healthy.
I'm praying for you, sweetie. If they take you in, let us know if you're able to, k? Text anytime.
Love you

 

[katey]

Thankyou sarah, it is good news but i dont know, i know i got so worked up about it, but i dont know. eugh why cant things just be easier. its just in my head its like, well nothings changed he still is coming out its just in under a year and not now. i know that, so yeah!! bleugh. i dont know

anyway, i went to my docs yesterday, didnt go too well. i knew it wasnt going to be good at all. my pulse is very slow and my bp is dangerously low. They had a few of my results back but not all of them. my salt level isnt too good. and thy think my Liver and kidneys are taking most of the strain at the minute. ive developed a slight yellow tinge espcially in my eyes. i broke down in tears but then got rally stressd out with myself for showing it. my doc was really good though, she always is. she spoke to my MH team while i was there, and they got my a bed at crisis, mainly because she felt i needed just that extra support and to be watched for a little while. but then she contacted my ED doc/team, as did my MH team they are trying to get me an urgen assessment on monday, when the rest of my results will/should be back. but my gp says its highly likely theyl get me an emergency admission into ED unit, if theres not beds i will be in hospital. and its likely theyre going to try and detain me. i just dont have the energy. its the help thats scaring me not whats happening to my body, doent make sense i know. Its having a huge knock on effect to my mood though, and on top of how bad/low im feeling its not good. they have let me bring my laptop here though i said i needed the destraction but i cant spend all time on it. ive got to rest and try have snacks thorughout the day and my ensures

hows everyone else doing? April, Sarah, Bec LAdybug???

 

[Lady Bug]

hi guys I've been away from this thread for awhile. I have a notorious habit of posting here and never coming back for days or weeks. I'll update you with stuff...not much of an update, but the same stuff.

edit - I decided to update it now...

My dad told me yesterday to deny my body food when I want it so I can look prettier. He happened to say it when I was unusually hungry yesterday, for whatever reason (my period is about a week from today so I am not sure that is the reason yet). I'm just so FREAKIN SICK OF THIS TREATMENT. My metabolism is practically dead. I HAVE reduced my eating to an extent but (as silly as this will sound) I honestly can't reduce anymore. I'm HUNGRY and I cannot concentrate on my reading when I'm STARVING. PERIOD. I get nauseous with a headache and when I finally DO eat I binge as a result of the starvation beforehand. IT DOESN'T FREAKIN WORK. He'll NEVER get the idea.

I don't eat fattening food - I don't eat ice cream (I nibble it now and then but it is definitely no scoop), I eat very few chips, I don't eat cookies, or tons of sweets or fat, I eat vegetables, protein (I try not to eat too much of that either but it helps control appetite IMHO) and maybe more carbs than normal but I shouldn't be X pounds overweight because of it. I deserve to be overweight I guess but not THIS much. Geez.

 

[katey]

Ladybug, good to see you back, but sorry things arent going too well.
You body needs food hun, denying it will only make you ill. (trust me on that one) You dont ned to reduce you intake at all hun. it is tiring it is horrible and yes it will have physical effects such as the headaches and feeling nausues. It its OK to feel hungry its 'normal' body function. i know i may sound like im being hypocritical, and yes i probably am. but i dont want to see other going thorugh this its horrible.
Unfortunatly sometimes, parents, family, friends dont understand the struggles that we got through. is there anyone that can help you talk to your dad?? please try and look after you, you DO DESERVE THAT! i'm sorry i cant be more help but im not in best place to right now but i am thinking of you xxx

 

[Criada]

((((((Katey)))))
I'm sorry things are so bad, sweetie. I'm glad you are somewhere safe... I know it's horrible, but you need to be looked after for a bit, sweetie, until you can take care of yourself. I know help scares you, I guess it's another form of losing control, but it's ok, sweetie.
I'm praying for you very much. Try to get the rest you need, k
Are you allowed visitors if you go into the ED unit?

Hang in there sweetie, you *will* get past this.

 

[katey]

i feel like im taking over this thread i dont mean too, am sorry.

thankyou sarah, is it wrong i dont want to be looked after though??? i kno i need it and apparently thats wot i should be going with but im not feeling like that its so hard. i keep breaking down in tears and then getting really angry. theyve got to stop some of my meds at the minute too because could be having a knock on effect to my body.

I did manage a bit of soup and bread yesterday, for my tea, though and three malted milk biscuits and juice for supper but got annoyed because my head went mad as couldnt excercise. but i tried and today ive managed my three ensures, got another two today. and two biscuits.

i guess will just have to see what happens tomorrow. that staff are being great here, they alwasy are. and if they had the resources i could stay but they dont have the resources of right training for them to be able to manage me here as its more than just a small crisis, but they have said once things pick up a bit theyll be ok wiht me coming back here instead of having to stay on the wards, but it will be up to the teams to decide whats best but its an option thats available. its helps that they know me pretty well now. Im scared of the not knowing whats going on, i dont like not knowing. I dont even kno where im going to end up or for how long or anything.

I sit and wonder and wish non of this had happened why couldnt my life have been simple, why did all this stuff have to happen. i'm twentyone and i feel about ninety, why cant it just all me ok. eurhg sorry me being sorry for myself.

As for the visitors sarah, im not sure as yet as i dont know where im going o end up. but i will let you know. i know the ed unit they can be funny for the first few weeks, but thats the treatment and planned stuff so not sure what will happen. but i will text you and let you know. thankyou

hows everyone else?? is bit quite (apart from my mini rants that is :o )

 

[Criada]

Katey, don't know whether you can get online, but I'm praying for you, sweetie. Hope things are a bit better, and you are being looked after.
Hang in there sweetie.

 

[Criada]

How is everyone?
It's gone very quiet in here..

 

[katey]

Where is everyone??? hope your all doing ok xxxxxxx


Sorry ive not ben about for a little while ive not had internet access in hospital. Ive been thinking of everyone though.

Iw ont go into everything right no coz theres way too much of it and dont have that much time but i will get back on as soon as i can and catch up xxx

thinking od you all xx

 

[Soulwings]

Sorry I've been MIA for awhile... uni and the bipolar board and WoW and life really all have been keeping me busy.

Katey, sorry to hear that things haven't been going very well. I'm glad that the treatment you get in hos is good though, and also that the man who abused you won't be out on parole... both good things to know. I wish that I could make things better for you... I'm twenty-one too and I totally understand feeling about ninety. It really sucks... it's just the way that life goes for some people, I guess, I don't know. But remember what God promised in James one:twelve (I think) - that those who persevere through trials will be given a crown of life in the end. That verse always helps me feel better... even if it is just a little bit.

Sarah, how are you doing??

Lady Bug, good to hear from you... I'm sorry about what your dad told you; that must've hurt a lot. I agree with Katey, that decreasing your amount of food isn't a good thing to do... unless you are eating over a certain amount - and it doesn't sound like you are bingeing all the time. I don't know, it seems like you are eating pretty healthily. Try not to put too much stock in what he says... hard to do, I know, but at least you could try a little. Wish I could help you more...

Bec, how are you doing? any better?

...

I am not doing that well. I am in full hate-on-April mode right now, ever since yesterday and I saw pictures of some skinny people (not on purpose, I was just browsing my friends' pages on Facebook, and I came across some of some ED'd people )... I feel so freaking fat and ugly. It's so hard to fight those feelings, too!! as I'm sure you guys understand. Ugh. I hate myself so much... I am not at all who I want to be, physically or mentally.



Uni... I hate my classes. They are so frustrating and I am so sick of being in school... I have heard that the working world isn't much better but I really want to see for myself before going on to grad school. My classes... four out of five I hate, and the fifth I don't even need!!

Sorry for the "self hatred dump," it's just that all of this has been piling up for awhile. I really want to die but I can't, and I can't afford going into hos, so I "have" to keep from being actively suicidal. It really sucks and I wish that I could do better, but I can't. I don't know how to. ARGH!!!!

Anyway. Sending hugs out to you all... I'll try to post here a little more, and Katey, don't worry about posting a lot. It's good... I like reading your updates, knowing how you are doing, even if you aren't doing super well.

 

[katey]

Hey, just thought id pop in and say hello, sorry its been a while again. not been so good and not had proper access to internet.

Been thinking of you all though. hope your all doing ok.

April, Hows things going, is uni any better at all? and the 'self-hatred' mode, had that got any easier for you hun? i hope it has settled a little.

Becs, Ladybug, Sarah thinking of you all hope things are well xxxx


Me, well eugh yeah been all over the place recently, its not nice at all dont know wether im coming or going. im being moved in the next week to ED unit, as theyve said i need to be there rather than staying at this crisis unit. ive barely managed to stay of the psych ward, but i have and now im going there its just a mess. i dont want to wanna go home. i know people keep telling me that i need to go i need their help but i really dont want to. im tired of seeing doctors, deiticians, social workers etc its doing my head in i dont get any space its made me really paranoid recently aswell i had a bit of a go at everyone at the weekend because i thought they were all ganging up on me and were out to get me. i dont even know whats going ot happen when i ge to the unit, will they detain me or what i need to kno all these things and no-one is telling me anything.

ugh sorry my mini rant there. will try get back on as soon as i can and check in x

 

[katey]

I dont like fireworks its Bonfire night here and theres fireworks going of left right and center!! Its freaking me out

eurgh anyway hope everyones ok x

 

[Criada]

((((((((katey)))))))))
Hang in there sweetie.

 

[katey]

Thankyou, i'm trying. managed to get back on internet on laptop, dont know how long ill be able to use it for though over next few weeks but will try get on when i can.

How you doing? (((((((((Sarah)))))))))