Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[katey]

But it will work out, somehow, for both of us. .................................................. So there's no shame in being a little older than the average.

LadyBug and April things will work out for the both of you i'm sure. And LadyBug i agree with April theres no shame at all.x

Thankyou April, just listening to me on here helps, yeah i hope it goes ok too, am really worrying about it, which isnt helping things just a bit messy in my head right now. (and out of my head too :'( ) i was up for getting all the help and was acceting it but im at a point im just so tired, and at the minute it seems my team are saying one thing and doing soemthing different, which really isnt help ful at all!!!!!!


How did you appointment going April, hope you managed to tell her about the SI urges being back and also being strong. and i hope that the meal went ok for you too xx

to everyone xxx

 

[Soulwings]

Hey Katey How are you doing today? I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well with your team, that sucks. I wish that they could be as helpful as they possibly could be, and not be hypocritical (or whatever you call it when they're saying one thing and doing another - two-faced? I don't know).

I did tell my NP about the SI urges being back and being hard to control, and she decided to change around my naltrexone, put me on twenty-five mg morning and night instead of fifty mg just at night. Only problem is, I'm going to have to cut the pills in half since they only come in fifties. That sucks. Especially because we don't have a pill cutter, so I rely on a knife, and that doesn't always do it neatly enough. Boo hiss. Just found that out yesterday (that there isn't such a thing as naltrexone twenty-fives)... ugh.

The meal went pretty well. It was yummy, actually - all vegetables except for the twice baked potato and small slice of cheesecake at the end. So I got a lot of fiber, haha. We watched "Wall-E" (or however you spell it, hehe) and it was really cute... then a little bit of Lost on TV and another show as well. And we talked some too. It was okay overall. I was glad to get home, though.

Lady Bug, Bec, Sarah, Jupiter, how are you girls doing?? s

 

[Criada]

Hi folks, how are you all doing?
I've just got back from a family vacation.. it was fun, but tiring being around people all the time. We were in a caravan, so no chance to escape! I do find it hard to cope without time to think and process things. But it was a lovely area, and good weather.
I was a bit worries about wearing a swimming costume because of the scars on my legs, but no-one said anything, and I coped.

Praying for all of you

 

[Soulwings]

Sarah, good to have you back. Check out the coffee shop thread for some of what we've been chatting about lately... Glad to hear that you coped with the swimming and all, and not having much alone time - that can be hard. I just got back in mid August from a trip down South and it was somewhat difficult not ever having any alone time then either. There was always someone else about, either my dad or my sister, in the car or the hotel room or her apartment room. It was frustrating!! but I got used to it. Then it was weird being alone so much of the time when I got home, hehe.

How are things with SI? urges and all? And how was your stay at the hospital? you did get to go, didn't you? did it help? Sorry for all the questions; it's been awhile since you've posted and you don't always post much about yourself, so pardon my nosiness. :o

s

 

[katey]

Pops in to say hi. hope everyones doing ok.

heads a bit manic at the minute and am all over the place but dont have physical energy to sit and write loads.

Really bad with SI stuff at the minute, im reeally struggling, and ED wise well yeah thats nott goo either, im back at a ' i DONT want to eat' stage

SOrry just very negative at the minute, theres not much positive stuff going on :'(

 

[Soulwings]

Katey I'm sorry that there's not that much positive going on... but surely there's something? Even if it's as small as the weather being sunny (or however you like it)... I'm sure there's something. A thing that Jarrod and I do now, at the suggestion of my T - each night before we go to sleep we share three good things about the day with each other, and three things that we're thankful for. Maybe you could do that in a journal or something every evening? It does help you be able to find positives even during a rough day.

Please keep trying to eat... I know the struggle, and it is so, so, so hard, I know this, but I have faith that you can and will persevere and make it through. Things will get easier for you, for me, for all of us as time goes on. Please "keep on keeping on," and remember to "just be."

...

Eating is going okay with me right now. Had a T appt this morning and she said that whether I like it or not, I'm slowly getting better. Part of me thinks that's awesome but the other part is terrified. It's change, and I hate change... but where I am right now is not where I want to be for the rest of forever, you know? So it's good that I'm improving... I just can't always tell that I'm improving or not, so that sucks. Just like my perspective is skewed about my physical form, I guess it's skewed also about my mental state, I don't know.

...

Sarah, Bec, Jupiter, how are you girls?

 

[katey]

Thankyou April, its really really hard to find summit positive, i suppose not being in hospital is a good thing ( although im sure sum people would disagree right now ) hhmmm, something small and positive ill have a think and get back to you on that one. Wish was a little sunnier but weve just had a torrential downpour Yeah i used to try writing things like that down in journal but then started getting annoyed that i couldnt find soemthing. but i think i might try start it again, it is a good idea, when it works.

I spoke to a very good friend i know thrugh one of the youth camps i do, hes more of a mentor now but were really really good friends, hes just a lot more mature in his faith so helps me with that side of things. but yeah anyway you know when your in a really really bad place and somone just says something that you really needed to hear but they dont know you needed to hear it, well that happened last night/early hours of this morning when i was texting him. was a mess and really really close to well wont go there but he said that he was proud of me, and few other things. but i think i needed to hear it.

id picked up slightly with my eating, yeah ok i was hardly eating antyhing at all, but it was better than nothing i suppose, but i was trying so hard. but i just dont have the energy, or want to do it. its bad i know.
Thankyou APril i know im rambling a lot and it may not make sense but thats where my heads at right now.
Its not helping that everything screaming at me at the minute, i have to have my music on loud to try and drown everything out, but then i end up with a headache, so cant win really. :'(



April I'm glad things are going ok for you, on the eating side of things. Getting better is good (im really really hypocritical at the minute sorry) and yeah changes is scary too. I do know what you mean, its not a nice place being where you are, and it is good that you are improving maybe write it down somewhere you can see it so that you can keep looking at it. Yeah it possibly is, it effects all of our Perspective.


Sorry that was stupidly long. i sort of found a posititve though while randomly typing away. i managed to sit and watch Free Willy two all the way thorugh this afternoon, even though ive struggled to stay still for longer than about twenty minutes. Free Willy is one of my all time favs. so yeah i enjoyed that. Does that count???????


Hows everyone else, thinking of you all

 

[Criada]

Katey, I think concentrating for that long is a pretty big positive... it's hard when your head is all over the place. I agree about the weather, tho... that certainly wasn't a good thing today.. we went for a picnic and got soaked!

April, it's great thet your T thinks you are recovering... sometimes it is hard to know for ourselves when it's such a slow process! Keep going, sweetie.

I'm sorry I'm not so good at keeping you up to date.. I don't like talking about myself much. Yes, hospital did help, though I had to discharge myself before they wanted me to, because of the kids. There were a lot of things that I really need some time to think about and try to put in place, but the kids have been off school since I came out and things have been pretty hectic! They go back next week, so I might get a bit more time then.
SI wise... it is getting better. I still want to cut, but most of the time I can distract myself. And people being around all the time makes it more difficult to do. A couple of slip ups, but a lot less than before I went into hospital, so that is positive

You're all in my prayers!

 

[Soulwings]

Katey I think that concentrating that long is a wonderful thing!! especially considering the struggles that you've had lately with your head going everywhere. So yes, that does count. And so does talking with that really good friend of yours. You're lucky to have a friend/mentor like that; that's awesome. See, there are positive things in your life... you've just got to hunt to find them. And you have us to help you a little bit.

Rambling and long messages are just fine. I know that I tend to go long, and no one seems to mind me "talking a lot," so same for you. I know that I actually enjoy long posts, because they help me get inside the other person's life a little better, and understand what s/he is going through a little better. So yeah. Keep on rambling!! hehe.

Keep trying to eat, love. I know how hard it is, I know that it sucks, I know that it's exhausting, but it's worth it in the end. You don't want to die young... you have so much lying ahead of you to look forward to... If only we could see past the darkness that obscures our view of the future!! You will get better, you will make it through just fine, as long as you keep plugging ahead. Keep on keeping on, sweetie. It can and will make a difference.

...

Sarah, good to hear an update. I'm glad that hos helped some, although bummer about having to check yourself out sooner than they'd've liked. Oh well - as long as you are doing okay, I guess that's what matters, huh? Bet it's hectic with the kids out of school - what ages are they and how many do you have?

Good to know that you are managing to refrain from cutting... it is such a tough battle to fight... trust me, I totally understand that one!! I've been struggling with urges, although not ones that are too strong. If they were much stronger I would be giving in, so yeah.



...

So yesterday was the first day of classes for me... I dropped in to see my advisor while I was waiting for a class to start (got out of previous class forty-five minutes early) and he noticed the scars on my arms immediately. He asked me, "So, are you taking care of yourself?" because he knows about everything that has been happening in the past year, and I had to say no, because if I said yes he would be able to tell that it was a lie. I mean, it's hard to say that you've been taking care of yourself when there are relatively fresh scars on your arms, you know? So yeah. That was kind of awkward...

I really don't see myself getting better... I mean, I can see how I've made progress from two thousand five, but that's four years ago, and of course I've made progress since then, since I've been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and been in therapy, etc., etc. I don't know. I don't see improvement in the past few months, though. But I guess I will see it eventually, if I keep improving. Must be improving really slowly though, because otherwise it would be easier to tell? I don't know.

s for all.

 

[katey]

Thankyou for the replies, feeling not as negative today but still bit of a mess, been a hard few days. am struggling physically too at the minute (which i know is my fault thorugh the lack of food intake recently) but i dont know is it weird that thats sort of a good thing in mky hread. aarrgghh i dont know whats going on in my head right now. my CPN want me back in hospital :'( but theres not beds

i had a rough night last night ended up at AnE so not soo good just hope tonights a better night. got the crisis team coming out tonight theyve been out once today with my CPN so yeah all go. so got to be 'ok' for them.

Sarah hope that you do get soem 'you' time when kids go back to school. and yeah its not good when rains when yo plan to go out. thats all weather done this week i think rain!!! we all have little slip ups thats ok, but yeah its goot that theyve been less since you came out. are you still getting support from teams??

April, i gues he was just asking to see how things had been, but good that you were honest with him, and yeah it is sort of hard to say you ok when theres freshish scars, it is slightly awkward.

as for the getting better, i dont think we do notice it. it is hard for us to see, especially if were still struggling at time. but yeah it is a slow progress ( sorry im being hypocritical again) maybe if you draw yourself a time line and put down all the things good (and not soo good) and you may be able to see how far youve come better if its visua. i dont know might help.

to everyone, Bec, Ladybug hope you all doing ok

 

[dinonum]

I just wanted to give everyone my update as I've been gone for a while now after I felt a lot of angst and frustration at CF.

I have been really working on being a healthier person in the last few months. I've been healthy and justtrying to love myself. Why? If you look at my signature, on June twenty-fifth my husband and I found out I was pregnant! As of Monday I'll be in the first week of my fifth month. I want to thank all of you for your support when I needed it this past month and I just wanted to really let you all know the good news first on CF.

Katey, I just wanted to give your big giant hugs!
And well, to everyone else!

 

[katey]

Congratulations dinonum, im glad things are going well for you keep at it girl xxxx

thanks for hugs xxx

and were here if u still need us n e time xx

 

[Soulwings]

Dinonum, congrats!! That's wonderful news. I hope that things progress smoothly and that you continue to work on loving yourself and taking care of yourself. I've heard from other ED'd women that pregnancy is a really good time to take stock of where you are in your recovery, and to focus more on recovery. So best of luck!!

...

Katey, I'm sorry that you ended up in A&E, that sucks. Hopefully you're doing a little better today... I wish I could help you more than I can... Please don't try to be okay for your team, be honest with them. You need all the help you can get - we all do - and pretending to be okay just doesn't cut it, love.

What have you been up to lately? anything funnish? and what is one good thing that's happened to you lately?

...

I'm doing... meh. I don't know. Eating is screwed up, thanks to my class schedule on T/Th, and MWF isn't all that much better, at least this past week. It takes me hours to eat my lunch, so long sometimes that it's not gone by suppertime. So yeah. It sucks. Uni is being a pain in the bum, and I wish that I could drop my one psych class, Theories of Personality, because one) it's a theories class, which is EXTREMELY boring, and two) it's not a class I was interested in in the first place. BUT, it's required, either that or Psychology of Stress Management, and I can't and couldn't get into PoSM; it was full by the time I registered. Stupid ECT keeping me back a semester...



s to all. Bec, Lady Bug, Jupiter, how are you guys doing??

 

[katey]

Thankyou April, not doing too great, ended up back in AnE on monday but that was because i collapsed in the gym, after going for a run. was my fault i know it was stupid. They were good in AnE, wanted me to stay in but i didnt want to, they put me on a fluid drip and tried getting me to eat soemthing while i was there and a glucose stick (which i didnt finish) They spoke to psych who came to see me, i had a good chat with them they knew id not been eatin and drinking but didnt realise id let it get to that point. they spoke to my community team and they put a plan in place and made an urgent assessment appointment with psych doc this morning

im really not in a good way physically and mentally. and didnt have the energy to try and persuade them that i was ok this morning i sat and cried. so now they know, now everyone knows that im not ok, everyone knows that im not coping. aarrggghhhh i hate all this

sorry moaning again. heads a bit all over the place.

erm anything funnish, im not sure i couldnt sleep last night and i had a good clear out lol, well sorted throuh load of stuff and found a book ive been looking for for ages, so that was goodish.

April sorry that things eating wise isnt going to well and class schedule is getting in the way i hope you find a way around that one. Its horrible and annoying when treatment gets in the ways of plans, and things that we want to do. maybe the class will get a bit better, sorry im not brilliant with advice at the minute. wish could help more but am here if you need to rant about it anytime x



Bec, ladybug everyone else how you all doing??

 

[katey]

Sorry everyone feel like slightly hoggin borad at the minute :'(

having tough time at the minute and just feeling really alone with it all. my foster sister/bestie is still in hospital, so thats been really hard too. just seem to be crying all the time, and just feeling really low. and then its like a dominoes effect one thing goes then summit else and thenh again and again. you cant win and i dont have the energy to stop it just feel like am falling fast without a nsafety rail :'(



sorry little moan there, hope your all doing ok. gone a bit quiet again (hope that means alls well)


april,sarah, bec, Lady bug, dinonum and everyone else too x

 

[katey]

Hey, sorry not been around for few days, its gone really really quite, hope everyones doing ok thinking of you all xxxx

 

[beckybooiloveu]

Hello everyone...
Sorry I havent been around lately. You ahve all been in my prayers and from scanning the posts im sorry that it seems like you are all struggling atm.
so *big big big big HUGGGGGSSSSS*

I havent been doing so great.... especially in the last week... i am having soooo much trouble concentrating at the moment because i cant stop thinking about losning weight, purging, exercising... etc... i have been spending every spare moment i have watching thinspo and exercising when i should be working on assignents and studying for my exams which are piling up and creeping up on me very quickly... been doing alot of crying... and purging... even if the only thing ive consumed all day is water... so... yeh not doing the best... very low and abit of a mess...

 

[katey]

Bec good to see you. how you doing??


hope everytone else is doing ok xxx

April, criada, ladybug xx

 

[Criada]

Hi folks, how is everyone doing?

I'm having a tough week... but I'll get through. Seeing the psychiatrist again tomorrow.. not looking forward to that. He's lovely.. but I always feel like a little kid in the headmaster's office somehow. I guess it's because they always send me to him if I've been cutting.. I expect to be told off!

 

[katey]

Sarah, sorry to hear your having a rough week. hpe things start to improve for you and that it goes ok with psych tomorrow, im seeing mine tomorrow too and definatly know that scary headmasters office type of feeling. try and just talk to him tell him your struggling. its hard, its so so hard but you can do it. will be thinking of you xxx