Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[beckybooiloveu]

My mother arrived home from overseas today and the following is a direct quote of something she said to me.
" you need to go on a diet starting tomorrow so that we arent the only fat power family at christmas. All your uncle and aunties have lost weight."
just what i needed... someone telling me to eat less when im already barely eating anything. im tired of trying...

 

[jupiterinka]

Hello everyone! I stopped by here a while back, but I haven't been on this forum for a while. Anyway, I feel like I'm backsliding. I feel so out of control in my life and all the stress makes me want to stop eating again. I feel too big and unattractive. Plus, I can't exercise again because I'm injured yet again Working out always helps me emotially and with my self-esteem (and with being more lean, of course). It's so frustrating that for one reason or another, I can't work out half of the time! I hate feeling so depressed!

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* jupiterinka. i hope things have improved a little for you sicne you posted this...

*wonders where everyone is* hello????? *listens to echo*

 

[Criada]

Hi folks

How are you doing Becky?
Jupiter, I'm glad you came back here... are things getting any better?

I'm struggling with SI again... but, getting there I think. Just spent a week with my mother, which is always hard... everything I do is criticised and nothing is good enough Home now though, so things are a bit easier.

 

[katey]

to everyone, how you all doing sorry ive been missing for a little while things have been a bit manic.


Sarah, how you doing now that your back home and the SI side of things? i hope its calmed down and is manageable for you now. sorry ive not text recently thing not been too good, but been thinking about you loads.

Bec hun, hows things going for you now? has your mum gone. i know its really really hard to not listen to what family and friends are saying but please sweetie eating nothing isnt good at all. this might sound harsh (and im sorry if its upsets you at all) but unfortuantly the issue that your mum has. is her issue. your working on how your feeling with weight/eating issues and thats all you can do. hows it going with the personal trainer, ive not had chance to fully read through everything and catch up but will do as soon as have a bit more time. has it started with the trainer? id suggest that you work on things that they suggest, its probably a more productive thing that doing something on your own, and at least youll have their support as well. hope things are ok though x

Jupiter, hello again, good to see you (but sorry things are bad for you right now) How you doing? I get the working out to help your emotions, i do it all the time. i hate not being allowed to especially as when im out running its just me and my music and everything just seems to dissapear so i can understand how much it is getting to you not being able to do it. i hope the injury is nothing to serious and gets better soon. Have you ever found anything else that helps you handle how your feeling. i used to have to find soemthing when ive been in hospital and not been allowed to excercise. ive found things like writing down how im feeling soemtimes help. maybe if you have like a back up coping plan for the times that your arent able to excercise, i dont know it might take a bit of the stress of it for a short while. Stopping eating isnt the thing to do as we know it just causes more problems.


's April, Ladybug and anyone else who ive not mentioned hope your all ok and coping well.



Me..... hmmm well things havent been too good at all since coming out of the crisis unit, i lasted about 4/5 days before i had another major relapse and it happened so quickly i didnt know what to do or how to cope with it. I ended up in a real mess extremely Suicidal and just couldnt cope with how messed up my head was. and was admitted (thorugh the police) back in the crisis unit where stayed for a bit but then moved onto the restbite unit for a bit of a quieter break (crsis was full) things still arent going too well. And Ed wise am really really struggling with it all im hardly eating anything ( well pretty much nothing) and even if i am, im going into major panick and cant handle it. Things are just a bit tough at the minute, but im back home i needed to get out.


Anyway im going to sush now but ill be back soon xxx

 

[Criada]

((((((Katey)))))
I'm glad you're home sweetie.. sorry things are so tough. it sounds as though you've been through a pretty scary time again. Look after yourself, sweetie, and try to eat a little

 

[katey]

Thankyou sarah, its not been easy no and yeah very scary but that been mainl because its been me that im scared of. doesnt make much sense i know but its been no matter wher i turn ive been scared and its not good its a horrible feeling. :'(

I'm trying to look after me, just not doing a fab job of it, id started to pick up a little with my eating (or lack of) and was manaing little bits but its gone. i know i need to eat but its just weird. it feels ok not to be eating. ive had lots of people telling me that ive lost loads of weight and im like nope i havent. yet deep down sumwhere i know i have but im ok with that. :'(

 

[Criada]

((((Katey)))))
How's it going , sweetie?
Praying for you

 

[katey]

Thankyou Sarah, honestly not too good? and just to top it of my bodies physically run down and exhausted and badly dehydrated, although i am drinking. im just so tired at the minute

how you? xx

 

[Criada]

Aw, I'm sorry, sweetie.
I really hope things get easier soon.
Hang in there, k?

 

[katey]

I wish i could beleive that they will, but i cant anymore things just dont. i'm tired of keep saying im not good i sound like im moaning and whinging all the time. and i'm so sick and tired of hanging on, i dont know how im managing to keep doing it.

 

[Criada]

You're not moaning, sweetie, just being honest about how you feel.
And that's important, so don't stop, k? You are always there for other people when we feel bad... so let us be there for you. :hug;
I know it looks unending... and unbearable... I wish I could make things better for you.
God is there, sweetie... and He won't let you go.

 

[katey]

Its easier to be there for others though, it always has been. i cant do looking after me or letting others, although soemtimes i really realy wish i could. but thats sometimes why i end up coming to blows with the mental health team. i dont know what would help right now but thankyou xx

 

[Soulwings]

I'm back... geez, I have such a hard time keeping up in this forum and I don't know why.

Exciting news, I met Tn!! (Texannurse) I was going down south to help my sister and dad move my sister's stuff from one state to another, and we stopped by and I got to meet her on the way!! It was awesome, she's a lovely person and I'm so glad that I got the chance to meet her. She still checks in here every now and then but hasn't posted in quite awhile... but anyway, she says hello to everyone. It was so cool getting to meet yet another person from CF - this place seems to be perfect for finding people with whom I really click. So that was neat.

...

Katey, sorry to hear that things have been so rough lately. But sweetie, things will look up. I don't know when and I don't know how to help you get there, but God does... keep clinging to Him. And no, you don't sound like you're whinging or anything, you're just telling us what's been going on. Please keep us updated, we want to know what's going on in your life.

...

Jupiter, sorry to hear that things aren't going so well. Hopefully you are healing up from this injury so you can exercise again... but Katey is right, maybe find an alternative way to release emotion when you can't exercise? like journaling, or writing poetry, or talking with someone that you trust.

...

Sarah, how're you doing?? Sorry to hear that the SI isn't so good and that the visit with your mum wasn't the best, but at least it's done and over with now, right? I hear you on the SI... haven't been doing too well myself with that. Well, urges, anyway. I haven't cut in about a month or month and a half, but it's really been tempting. I hate struggling with it so much...

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Bec, don't listen to what your mum says, you're not fat and you don't need to lose weight. How is the stuff with the personal trainer going? have you started it yet? Hopefully s/he will be helpful and won't lead you down an unhealthy path... maybe this is the turning point where you will be able to get better some. And I also agree with Katey, your mum's issues are your mum's issues, and you should try to not let them bother you. Easier said than done, I know, by far, but please, love, give it a try.

...

Lady Bug, anyone else I missed, how are you??

...

I've been alright. Eating has been okay, I've been getting enough lately which is good. I'm back to losing weight (or was last month) and this is a good thing, although I'm retaining water because I'm not drinking enough. This isn't good, being dehydrated really isn't good especially in the summer heat, but I'm not outside all that much so it doesn't matter loads. It wasn't the best when we were down south helping my sister move, though... it was in the nineties 'F and very very humid... gross. I'm so glad that I don't live down there!! especially because we don't have a/c. So I've been vegging in front of fans for most of the past month. I feel so fat and ugly, but I guess that's part of life and something that I've just got to get used to.

Uni is starting back up in a week and a half and I'm nervous!! I'm taking fifteen credits, so not an easy semester by any means. People are telling me that I should've taken it easier, gone with twelve or so, since I'm just getting back into it after that semester off due to ECT. But... I want to get done, I've already been in uni for six years and that's enough in my book, and I still have three semesters left. Sixteen months!! Hopefully I will get out ASAP... no delays due to hospital or anything. Prayers about that would really be appreciated.

I'll try to drop in more often, so sorry I've been slacking lately!! Sending hugs and prayers out to you all...

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi, I also have a terrible time keeping up with this forum but it's no one's fault.

(warning - my post is kind of a downer, so you can skip it if you can't take it, as to not bring anyone down)

I also have to go back to school (not uni but a community college) and my classes start Monday. I'm dreading it like heck. Probably basically because of the parking (I HATE the rationed time but the other special type of parking card is WAY too darned expensive), but also because of simply having to start studying all over again. at my age I would have liked to be working and settled down. it is such a downer. not to mention the fact that my sleeping patterns are so irregular that I won't know how to undo them on time before classes, and I have to get pencils, folders, and fix my laptop, and figure out where the heck to use it because my wireless router only works in the home, which means I would have to find an outlet in the library that hooks up to wireless internet which is a pain in the you-know-where. the books cost an absolute fortune and I literally cried about that (not in front of everyone though). I went all over downtown by myself, trying to figure out how to park in this one ramp (the entrance was so vague that I couldn't find it). I felt like this totally unwanted stranger in the middle of downtown, like no one cared about me, and that everyone around me was cold and uncaring (that could be paranoid but that's how I tend to view things).

had to get this off my chest

 

[Lady Bug]

Thankyou Sarah, honestly not too good? and just to top it of my bodies physically run down and exhausted and badly dehydrated, although i am drinking. im just so tired at the minute

how you? xx

keep drinking (fluids, not alcohol, if you're prone to getting addicted lol), but I forgot your situation on whether you're eating or not (sorry about that)

*hugs* jupiterinka. i hope things have improved a little for you sicne you posted this...

*wonders where everyone is* hello????? *listens to echo*

hi becky, I haven't been around here, I got withdrawn for SO many reasons and may do it again once I go back to classes

Hello everyone! I stopped by here a while back, but I haven't been on this forum for a while. Anyway, I feel like I'm backsliding. I feel so out of control in my life and all the stress makes me want to stop eating again. I feel too big and unattractive. Plus, I can't exercise again because I'm injured yet again Working out always helps me emotially and with my self-esteem (and with being more lean, of course). It's so frustrating that for one reason or another, I can't work out half of the time! I hate feeling so depressed!

I feel big and unattractive too. I do have some moderate activity and even though the way I eat, I would imagine myself being 25 pounds overweight, I think that 40 pounds overweight (which is what I am) is just way too much. I understand that I wouldn't be skinny or even proper weight, just not 40 pounds so.

I had to have my ID taken at the community college and I just about freakin died. I hope to God I do NOT look like that in real life. I mean it was freakin BAD. Oily, pasty, homely, lifeless face. I swear that I don't look like that when I look in the mirror - and I don't even have much of a self-esteem and I don't even think that when I look in a mirror it is THAT bad. I'm feeling SO bad about it that it isn't even funny.

 

[Soulwings]

Lady Bug. I'm sorry about how things have gone so far with the CC. But maybe it won't all be as bad as you think it will? Sometimes that's the case, usually, actually. I don't know how old you are, but I think I have an idea, and there are a lot of people your age that go to college/go back to college for a degree. Maybe try to feel privileged that you get to go to college, even if it is a community college and even if you feel too old for it? I don't know, that's just how I would try to look at it, because you are privileged. Not to say that I don't understand how you feel, somewhat. I don't want to risk offending you, so I'll shut up now before I put my foot in my mouth even further. :o

Not many people will be looking at your ID card and everyone looks bad in their "mugshots." I know that I do. Half smile, messy hair from the way the wind twisted it walking to the student center, fat face... yuck. But not many people scrutinize the photo or anything... so try, love, please, to not fret too much about that.

Remember, numbers are screened here...

 

[Lady Bug]

somehow I didn't feel offended, so that's OK.

I'm definitely grateful that I can still go, but you have a point in saying that maybe I feel that I'm too "old" for it and that could be a contributing factor to how I feel. Who knows.

When I was in my last couple years as an undergrad in the university, there was someone who was almost a decade older (you're right, forgot about not using numbers) than me (and I hope that what I just said wasn't a number). I can keep things like this in mind. Also, the program I am in is for people who already have a bachelors. I'll try to keep that in mind too.

I think I'm mostly worried about the parking expenses. I can't use numbers (and shouldn't on this forum either), but basically the problem does lie in the amount having to be paid, to make it short.

 

[katey]

yay
April and Ladybug, its good to see you both back. (although at the same time not,, argh am all confused now)

April, it really sounds like youve got a busy semester ahead of you, i hope it all goes ok for you and will be praying for you. i'm glad that your eating is going ok at the minute Well done with that, but make sure u take your fluids ( sorry know im being slightly hypocritical)

Ladybug, Aprils right about the Id stuuf, and the going back to college. well done for going back though, thats soemthing to be poud of its a bi step once youve been away for a while. also im not once for drinking alcohol (ive had few bad experiences so dont drink it anymore) also yeah the eating side of things isnt, im hardly (in fact more often than not, not ) eating much at all.


Me well, ive just been plodding on, things not been great but sort of used to it now. my dietician team are starting to mention hospital and tests n stuff at the minute, and are having a meeting with my mental health team on tuesday morning so thats not good thing, am not looking forward to it.


*hugs to everyone

 

[Soulwings]

Yeah, I hear you on the expenses, Lady Bug. I'm lucky in that I've got all of my expenses covered with loans and a scholarship, but I'm really NOT looking forward to having to pay off the loans once I graduate. But it will work out, somehow, for both of us. What are you going back for? and yes, do keep in mind that the program you're in is for people with bachelor's degrees already - that should help some. And I know a lot of nontrad students at my uni, some a good fifteen to thirty years older than the average college student. So there's no shame in being a little older than the average.

What you said (decade) wasn't a number. It's okay to use ages, I think, just avoid weight/height/BMI/calorie amount, that type of thing.

...

Katey, sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you. I wish I knew what to say, and I wish that I knew how to help you make your struggles disappear, but I don't. Just... keep leaning on God, He'll help you pull through. And lean on us, we're here for you. I hope the appt with your mental health team goes okay... remember, it's most important to get the help you need.

...

I have a NP appt this morning... urk... not looking forward to that, telling her that SI urges are back and pretty strong. Haven't given in yet but have really wanted to, don't really care about not giving in anymore, you know? It is what it is... After the appt Jarrod and I are going out to his friend's place for lunch (best man at our wedding) and I'm worried about that, since I don't know what he'll be serving. I know it'll be vegetarian, but I wish I knew more. Blahhh.

s to all. xx