Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[beckybooiloveu]

Im glad j facebook'd her... it needed to be done... and she should understand since she has been through it all... *hugs* how are you feeling now?

im feeling pretty low at the moment about a few things... particularly how obese and disgusting i look. im probably not eating as much as i should be... but the weight still isnt dropping really... ive lost a little bit but not as mcuh as i would have liked to... i need to lose ALOT of weight before uni starts again... because i dont want to look like i do now for Preparation week and Orientation week of the freshers of our college next yr... (i made it onto student executive again as Photographer and as a resident assistant) we do alot of activities during those two weeks that i would not feel comfortable doing at the moment... i just feel so gross... i disgust myself... i feel ill when i see myself in the mirror...every time.
random question, is there really such thing as "no calorie foods" (ie. i know all food has calories, but is it true some have less then what you burn while your eating... )

also i have to study for the exam i have to resit (because i got sick in the middle of it) but i dont have time because of work and painting... so that is stressing me out... uni results come out on wednesday (for the ones i ahve completed) so im stressing out about that...
and i just really dont have much confidence in myself at the moment... i feel like i have no real friends... like i ahve heaps of friends but dont belong to any close groups of friends... and i think perhaps maybe i have no personality and that is why... i dont know... im just really confused about who i am at the moment...

im just generally feeling abit low at the moment. so im struggling a bit with emotions and stuff

 

[Soulwings]

Bec. I don't have any particular "group" of friends either. I have a few close ones and a lot of good ones online (I rely on online friends for a lot of my socialization, most of it actually), but I don't have a group. Don't feel bad. It's not your fault; it's just the way that things fall sometimes.

I'm not going to answer your question about "no calorie" foods because I know why you want to know.

I'm also glad that J facebooked her, but she hasn't responded or anything yet, so I don't know if she got it. I don't know how often she checks her Facebook either, so it could be quite awhile. But I hope she doesn't get angry or anything... she is young (thirty eight) and has a bit of a temper... but since she had an ED herself, she should know that numbers are bad.

I know the feeling of feeling sick when seeing yourself in the mirror. I have been in hate April mode lately and it really sucks to undress for a shower and see yourself in a full length mirror... I don't want it taken away, but at the same time, I don't want to see myself in it all of the time. It's handy to have when I am in a healthy mindset, though, because then I can try to tell myself that I'm not really that fat after all.

Anyway.

...

I'm doing okay. Struggling a little now but losing weight, hopefully healthily. I haven't seen my N in a long time now, two or three weeks, and won't see him until the week after this. I don't really want to know, to be honest, if I'm losing weight healthily or not. It's a little scary. I'm not really caring what I eat now, besides making sure that I get enough calories - by not caring, I mean I'm not counting grams of carbs, like I was before - not stressing out over food - just being relaxed while trying to get over starvation diet. I am being very lazy... barely any exercise. I need to get back in the habit.

Oh well.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* april, im sorry you are struggling. Hopefully it will get a bit easier soon. Im glad you are counting anymore... and i think it is probably a good thing that you are starting to not care what you are eating... i think that is a step forward... Yay... especially over the not stressing out about food! make sure you dont over do the exercise when you start... take it easy. maybe just go for a half hour walk with J a few days a week or something, that would be nice.

wouldnt it be better that i eat no calorie food than nothing at all?

im off to go rake and mow the back yard which will take a few hours because it is a mess... lol... then i have to get up on our roof and clean the gutters (lets hope i dont fall off! i cant afford broken bones atm with all the work im doing). and then i have to do the final coat of paint on the walls in our 'rumpus' room. i think this is going to be a big day!

 

[Soulwings]

Oh Bec, I wish that you could take a day and just do something that you wanted to do. Like read, or journal, or listen to music - anything but doing chores and work and job and uni stuff. What do you like to do, when/if you have free time??

Yes, it would be good if you ate "no calorie" foods rather than nothing at all... if you are going to, though, I'm pretty sure that you can guess which ones are and which ones aren't. A lot of vegetables have vitamins and things that you need, but don't have that many calories. But please eat something substantial every day, even if it's something small like a piece of toast with peanut butter.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

i like to sing and play the piano or guitar or flute or saxophone when i have some free time... but that isn't too often... or go for a row or if i have a bit of spare money (which is a rare occurrence) i like to go shopping. Or read if i have a really really good book. or cook, lol which is surprising i guess but i do enjoy cooking things for other people. I cooked dinner for my mum for the last three nights. I'm not a very good cook lol, but i can do basic things like spaghetti bolognaise, macaroni bake, apricot chicken, roasts and things like ommelates and stuff... and of course cakes and biscuits.

It is quarter to midnight here now and i am exhausted! I just finished painting the room! yay... well the ceiling and walls are done. the skirting, doors and window frames still need painting but we don't have the paint for that yet and can't afford it at the moment. So that wont be done for like a year probably. lol... i got the lawns raked and mowed... but only got one side of the houses gutter cleaned (the worst side though/the problem side - it was blocked up). I also got the house vacuumed and bathrooms cleaned... so i had a pretty full on day and im ready to hit the sack after a hot shower to scrub off all the paint that it on me... lol... if you saw me you would wonder if i actually got any on the walls! haha

ok, i'm off to bed. I have to get up early to tidy up all the painting gear and pack it away before my dad gets home from Singapore. And then it is back to the city for a night shift at work! yay... /im working the next 5 days.

Thinking of you all!
*hugs*
Love Bec

 

[Soulwings]

Wow Bec, I bet you're pretty tired.

That's cool about the musical instruments. I love music - I play piano, violin, and viola... and I also love reading. Singing is a lot of fun, but I'm sure that you have a much better voice than I do!!

And those are not basic things to cook, haha. I can do most any bread or cake product (minus the really fancy types), and basic things like scrambled eggs or macaroni and cheese (either the homemade stovetop kind like Jarrod does, or what sounds like your macaroni bake, Bec). And chicken. I'm pretty good with chicken, which is funny, cos I'm a vegetarian and hate meat.

It's funny how people with EDs like cooking for others. I've noticed that with other people as well.

...

How are you doing today, Bec? and anyone else?

s

 

[beckybooiloveu]

kool. thats alot of instruments!

and yeh it is funny how we like cooking for others. the macaroni bake i make is done in the oven, with bacon, onion, cheese, tomato soup, milk and of course macaroni.

im exhasuted today. I have done three ten hour days in a row at work plu two more days before that. so i have today off and then back to longs days at work for the next six days.

ive just put on a load of washing and am about to start studying for the exam i have to resit. im pretty sorrid about it...

 

[Soulwings]

It is odd how we like cooking for others... hehe.

The macaroni bake doesn't sound that simple, haha. But I'm sure that it tastes quite good. Minus the bacon bit...

Sounds like you've done a fair bit of work lately... ten hour days, especially three in a row - - I'm surprised you're still able to study and do work and all at home. Please try and take care of yourself. When do you have to resit the exam??

...

How is everyone doing??

 

[beckybooiloveu]

im struggling to do it all april. i dont have the exact date for the exam yet but it is sometime between the tenth and twelth. i found out the date on this friday. so i have a week and a half to study for it. but that really isnt much time considering all the work hours i have!

im struggling in general atm. struggling with life. i was lying in bed crying last night. couldnt sleep and was thinking up scenarios about suicide... i just am feeling so lonely at the moment. i feel like no-one apart from my family really cares about me or wants to be friends with me. and im tired of putting so much effort into one of my friendships and she just doesnt seem to want anything to do with me. but she was my best friend back in may and now.. i dont know... its weird.

and im feeelng sooo obese. im so disgusted by myself. i made a decision last night that as of today im not eating. i can have water. and maybe a juice after work each day but that is it. and i have to start doing more exercise. the running i have been doing every day doesnt seem to be doing anything...

i jsut noticed that i have to get ready for work now or i will be late...

*hugs* for everyone
love you

 

[Giantsbran1227]

Why do both of you feel so disgusted with how you look? Do you believe God cares how much you look? As Jesus told us in scripture, "don't honor the earthly God, honor God himself". I think you guys have been brainwashed by the media into believing that FAT is BAD. Learn to accept yourself for your uniqueness and learn to love your body. Scripture also tells us to not worry about what we eat while on this earth. So I pray for both of you that you can learn not too base your emotions on how you look in the mirror. Because the truth is, it means nothing and any mature person on this earth will realize and respect that as well. God bless and live righteous!

 

[Soulwings]

Easy to say and hard to do, Giantsbran. I know that God doesn't care what we look like, and that He cares so much more about the condition of our hearts and souls than whether or not we are fat or have spots coming out on our faces or if we have just eaten a bowl of ice cream when we told ourselves we wouldn't. But eating disorders are so much more than that. If we could be "cured" by just believing that God cares less about our exterior than the world does, well, a lot of us would be "cured."

...

Bec... s... you have to eat, love, or else you'll destroy the body that God's given you. Please, sis... we all on here care about you, and while it's been pretty doggone quiet lately, I'm still here for you. Suicide isn't the answer, and I am sure that people in real life do care about you. It's just hard to see that sometimes, when depressed and saddened. Hang in there, keep fighting, and maybe decrease work hours some, if that's at all possible? And I am sure that you are not obese. And if you are, which I HIGHLY doubt, then not eating is going to be even worse for you.

...

I'm doing "ehhh." Tired of food, tired of school, tired of my body, tired of life in general. Struggling some now and again. I've got to get lunch on my own today, and that's one of the last things that I want to do. But I'll manage it, figure it out sometime between now and one o'clock.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

Im feeling especially bad today just so gross and obese. I ahve cried myself to sleep for the last like 5 nights and it is making me feel gross during the day from crying so much... and i look terrible... my eyes look so tired. and i cant decrease my work hours because i really need to save enough money over these holidays to get a car before uni starts next year. and on that note i have to leave for work now...
take care everyone *hugs*

 

[Soulwings]

Ohh love, I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I wish I had the power to take away your struggles... God does... and Jesus can help you carry your burdens. I am serious about this... it has worked for me and anxiety, and while it won't make your ED and feelings about it go away, it will help. Give it a go, and see if it works - I am sure that it will, if you are only persistant enough. I have given my anxiety over to Him every second for a minute or so, and finally it worked - see, that's what I mean by persistance.

Love you, lil sis.

...

I see my N today. *nervous* Not sure I want to hear the news... and I'm going to have to decrease appts to once a month, due to finances... I think that I am ready for that, because I've done it in the past, but it is still a little scary, because my ED can act up and my N won't be there to bolster my self-confidence and encourage me to do better. For that, I'm just going to have to rely on Jarrod - just another thing with which I'll burden him down.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* april... i hope the appointment went well... praying for you...

 

[Soulwings]

Bec. It didn't go that well :-( I gained fat... not supposed to be doing that. I'm not eating enough and I lost lean muscle and gained fat... I don't want to do this anymore, I'm so sick of my metabolism and body and mind all working against me... can I please just run away and hide??

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi everyone

Boy - has it ever been hard for me to get that mental stamina to keep up with you guys here I will do my best.

im struggling to do it all april. i dont have the exact date for the exam yet but it is sometime between the tenth and twelth. i found out the date on this friday. so i have a week and a half to study for it. but that really isnt much time considering all the work hours i have!

im struggling in general atm. struggling with life. i was lying in bed crying last night. couldnt sleep and was thinking up scenarios about suicide... i just am feeling so lonely at the moment. i feel like no-one apart from my family really cares about me or wants to be friends with me. and im tired of putting so much effort into one of my friendships and she just doesnt seem to want anything to do with me. but she was my best friend back in may and now.. i dont know... its weird.

and im feeelng sooo obese. im so disgusted by myself. i made a decision last night that as of today im not eating. i can have water. and maybe a juice after work each day but that is it. and i have to start doing more exercise. the running i have been doing every day doesnt seem to be doing anything...

i jsut noticed that i have to get ready for work now or i will be late...

*hugs* for everyone
love you

Yikes Ok - I don't know if you wanna listen to any of us say this LOL but not eating simply ain't gonna help! You simply won't be able to study for your exams without nutrients going to your brain. You will get dizzy, pukey, nauseous, and you can faint, especially during exercise. I wish I had the words to say as to you feeling obese. Because I feel the same way about myself right now. I feel and look utterly SHAPELESS. My figure is gone from my weight gain. My appetite has skyrocketed, but my metabolism has plummetted. Talk about a horrible combination.

Bec... s... you have to eat, love, or else you'll destroy the body that God's given you. Please, sis... we all on here care about you, and while it's been pretty doggone quiet lately, I'm still here for you. Suicide isn't the answer, and I am sure that people in real life do care about you. It's just hard to see that sometimes, when depressed and saddened. Hang in there, keep fighting, and maybe decrease work hours some, if that's at all possible? And I am sure that you are not obese. And if you are, which I HIGHLY doubt, then not eating is going to be even worse for you.

I'm doing "ehhh." Tired of food, tired of school, tired of my body, tired of life in general. Struggling some now and again. I've got to get lunch on my own today, and that's one of the last things that I want to do. But I'll manage it, figure it out sometime between now and one o'clock.

I see my N today. *nervous* Not sure I want to hear the news... and I'm going to have to decrease appts to once a month, due to finances... I think that I am ready for that, because I've done it in the past, but it is still a little scary, because my ED can act up and my N won't be there to bolster my self-confidence and encourage me to do better. For that, I'm just going to have to rely on Jarrod - just another thing with which I'll burden him down.

How many appts per month did you have before you had to narrow them down to one appt per month? I hope you can hang in there. Gee, any other time a month goes by quick. Not so much when you're waiting, huh?

My metabolism has rebelled against me. I cannot believe what I nearly weigh now. Since I can't mention numbers - I'll try to explain. How many centuries has it been since the U.S. was a country? And how many years does that number of centuries have? The answer to the latter is how many pounds I practically weigh right now. I cannot believe how much I gained since february of last year (not of this year...well I guess I can count this year too). I exercise too - imagine if I didn't - I'd be even more weight

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* for both of you!

april, hun, im sorry you have gained fat weight... but im sure you are still beautiful. think about how you lost it before... by eating... so keep trying to remind yourself that you can lose the fat and gain lean muscle by eating... *hopes she said the right thing*

im praying for you hun... and as i said before, you are beautiful!

and ladybug... my metabolism is bad too... it is sooo slow... it is terrible...

 

[Soulwings]

You said the right thing, Bec, don't worry. And your metabolism is so slow 'cause you're not eating!!! If you eat more, then your metabolism will get less sluggish, and you will be able to lose weight if you have any that you need to lose. Love, please, eat. You've got to, especially since you're going to be resitting that exam, and working so hard, and all of that. What Ladybug said is right.

...

Ladybug, good to see you back again. I'm sorry to hear about the weight gain that sucks... but I am sure you are still beautiful. I know you are inside, anyway. It's tough, I know, and I don't know what else to say, really, since it's so hard for you to seek treatment (not your fault I know ).

...

It took me about two years to narrow my N appts down to once a month. I'm just starting that now, it was every two weeks for probably three or four months, then before that it was every week for about a year and a half. I've been out of tx since September oh six (the twenty-ninth to be exact ), and was in for ten weeks, pretty intensive too. I was only three days/wk for awhile, though. Was in residential for four weeks, and then Jarrod came to visit for the first time, and I moved out and couldn't go every day while he was here. And then uni started up and I was parttime, with classes only on T/Th, so I went to tx on MWF. Fun. Hehe. I actually didn't mind going to treatment, although my parents kind of forced it on me at first.

Blahhh.

I rebel against those who say that fat is not a feeling. It is!!

 

[katey]

just hought id pop in here to say hello, hope everyones ok x

 

[Soulwings]

Katey *squish* How are you doing??

And Bec, how're things? everyone else? (anyone else?? *echoing empty thread*)