Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Lady Bug]

thanks for the welcome back -

nice to see all of you

today I'm almost gone over the weight "ceiling" that I vowed never to go over - if I keep going over this, things are going to get very bad. I cannot go over this number. Please pray

 

[Shannie]

Hi girls,

I'm doing pretty good but my ED is getting a bit more persistent. I feel like I got a break for a while, but I'm getting stressed about other things and my weight crept up a bit. I was trying to gain a bit, but now that it actually started happening I am getting nervous. *goes to beat head against wall*. Lol. Gotta love that logic..."oh wait, things are going well, I'm happy and not stressing about food and enjoying it...better screw it up!!". I feel like that's what I do. But I'm not giving up...I'm stronger. Right? ANy reassurance is welcome...I know it's the truth but I'm having a bit of trouble seeing it clearly right now. I'm going to be home alone for a few days so I'm making a meal plan for myself right now so I don't let myself skip meals. I can do this. (yes, I'm talking to myself a bit lol. I'm hoping by saying it online will help make it more convincing to me and to my ED that it won't win!!)

Sabrina,
That's great you are able to exercise in a healthy manner. I'm hoping to start heading to the gym this week. Not every day yet but maybe a few times a week. You're inspiring me that it can be done well properly

April,
I'm glad you are doing well. I am a morning person but five am on a weekend is really early! I personally find studying and homework always made so much more sense in the morning. At night I would just be tired and frustrated as soon as it got hard lol. Hope your packing is going well too

Becky,
That's a terrible exam schedule!!! I have had some bad schedules before but that is exceptionally unfortunate scheduling. I know you won't be on much but I'm sending you lots of good luck and s. I hope you had fun at your dance recital.

Ladybug,
I'm sorry to hear your struggling with suicidal thoughts and ED thoughts. Remember a weight is just a number. I know that's ironic coming from me cuz I just said I'm struggling with the number my scale is giving me, but I need to believe it too. We are all so important, our worth can't be condensed into a simple number from an appliance.

I'm praying for all you lovely ladies. Remember you are all amazing, special people.

Have a great day!!

 

[Lady Bug]

hi everyone... i think ive said welcome to ark... if not welcome and welcome oddbeani...
and *hugs* for everyone else...
sorry i dont have long enough to respond to everyones posts but im praying for youall...

i just really needed to post... im having a bit of a panic attack because the end of semester exam timetable came out today... and well mmine is really really bad... exams go over a two week period... i ahve five exams and they are on the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh of november... all in the first week of exams so i dont even have an extra week to study for them!!! ahhh... im majorly freaking out... i need to go start stdying... ill post again soon...

eh those final exams are something else - especially the way they are scheduled sometimes. it seems that they cram everything into one small time span. I hope the professors somehow give a study guide for at least one of the exams - it helps give an outline of what to look for in the exam instead of just looking at the notes and guessing/panicking that such-and-such will be on an exam.

Shannie! Hi how are you?
Sorry about those thoughts ladybug, however God is the medicine you should turn to. I know those thoughts are scary and sometimes we dont know why they just pop inj our heads, I went through trying to commit suicide a couple times three years ago and it was horrible that I had ever come to that point in my life. Its sad and depressing thinking about it, but what helped me was alot of prayer and just asking Jesus to take those thoughts and put them on his shoulders and not try and carry it all my own.

thank you LTP - I haven't ever gotten to the point of an actual attempt so I can only imagine how absolutely horrid one must feel at that stage - it's just really, really bad sometimes though. it's as if the brain is demanding that life is not worth enjoying

Ladybug, welcome back!! s Glad to hear that you got your computer fixed - it's so hard to live without them. Kind of silly actually - hard to believe that once upon a time people did. I'm so glad I have one - my friends live in it!!

I'm sorry to hear about the suicidal thoughts. Remember, though - and I don't know if this will help at all - that suicide is not at all worth it. It really isn't. You miss out on so much. Your life may not seem like there's much in it to enjoy, but... if you actually do attempt/commit, then you have no idea what you're losing out on. I've attempted twice in the past and been hospitalized four times for sui thoughts... but I am learning that it is really not worth it. I know that knowing that intellectually doesn't help the thoughts... but like Sabrina said, try taking the thoughts "captive to Christ" (forget where in the Bible it says that, but it does help). Jesus is your Friend and your Brother, and He is there to help you in your spiritual journey. He will help carry your burdens - or completely carry them, if you only have strong enough faith and are willing to relinquish control (don't know if many people can actually do that, I know I haven't been able to - yet!!). Strong faith is a hard thing to develop, especially when life just seems to suck... but know that we're here and that you can talk about "that type of stuff" any time.

Soulwings thank you for your input and please don't think that just because something you say may not help me that your efforts are in vain or anything. I am aware that it can be very difficult to get through to me but in my heart I want to get to the point where I see things your way - but I just don't see a timetable in that happening The thing is that I know that if I try to commit there's a chance that I won't be able to go back and undo what is happening to me - I mean some things are reversible and some things are just not. This is something that you can't just go back and say "well, I don't like how dying is feeling - let me try to make myself alive again" because it would be too late I know that sounds very morbid but that is true. It's not exactly revolutionizing the way I am feeling but sometimes it's not our feelings we can rely on.

im so excited for you april!!!
i just wanted to pop on to let you all know that i probably wont be posting much/if at all over the next month until my exams are over... ill still pop in to read and catch up on how everyone is going every now and then.
april... no im not really eating and im not really getting much sleep either... but im trying... im really trying to just get through ieach day...

anwyays... i have to go to a dance rehearsal... yay this is going to be a fun 4 hours...
take care everyone!
love you!

Good luck on your exams - I do think though that if you try to eat a little bit, the studying will go better - but I don't know enough about your condition to say anything more. I do not wish to offer the wrong advice by any means.

Hi girls,

I'm doing pretty good but my ED is getting a bit more persistent. I feel like I got a break for a while, but I'm getting stressed about other things and my weight crept up a bit. I was trying to gain a bit, but now that it actually started happening I am getting nervous. *goes to beat head against wall*. Lol. Gotta love that logic..."oh wait, things are going well, I'm happy and not stressing about food and enjoying it...better screw it up!!". I feel like that's what I do. But I'm not giving up...I'm stronger. Right? ANy reassurance is welcome...I know it's the truth but I'm having a bit of trouble seeing it clearly right now. I'm going to be home alone for a few days so I'm making a meal plan for myself right now so I don't let myself skip meals. I can do this. (yes, I'm talking to myself a bit lol. I'm hoping by saying it online will help make it more convincing to me and to my ED that it won't win!!)

Ladybug,
I'm sorry to hear your struggling with suicidal thoughts and ED thoughts. Remember a weight is just a number. I know that's ironic coming from me cuz I just said I'm struggling with the number my scale is giving me, but I need to believe it too. We are all so important, our worth can't be condensed into a simple number from an appliance.

I'm praying for all you lovely ladies. Remember you are all amazing, special people.

Have a great day!!

About your gaining weight - you know what, sometimes we are so used to feeling "abnormal" (even if we hate it) that when things start looking actually normal - we don't like it because it feels WEIRD. lol. that may or may not be happening. I don't know. what ED do you have? Oh - I think you said you didn't know exactly what classification it was - or maybe I'm confusing you with someone else.

lol I actually love what you said there - "our worth can't be condensed into a simple number from an appliance." it's almost signature-worthy

anyway I'm having sorta "hypochondriac" thoughts these days - I may save it for another time. it's driving me nuts

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Shannie thats awesome your going to plan meals ahead to avoid restricting. Thats very very wise of you. Yay! Just remember that the number on the scale is only a number! It doesnt count your worth or value. Your beautiful no matter what and food isnt the enemy here...the ED is ..so fight hard and stay strong.

 

[Soulwings]

Shannie, love, making yourself a meal plan is such a huge step in the right direction... keep up the good work. You are stronger... you may not see that now, but it's true... you have come so far. Who cares about the weight if it fluctuates a little bit? That is the attitude that we should have, I think - as long as we take care of ourselves and what we eat, then we shouldn't be so worried about weight fluctuation if it's only by a couple pounds. That's in a perfect world, I know. But... well, yeah. You are doing wonderfully, though... you really are.

...

Ladybug, I understand what you mean. It's really hard to turn around suicidal thinking... believe me, I know that!!! It's not that I am saying you have to turn around your thinking... because I know that in that mindset, it's so hard to do anything except dwell on those thoughts. I'm just saying that perhaps if you tell yourself over and over again that living is worth it, even if you can't see it yet, then you will eventually be able to convince yourself. It works a little bit... and may as well try it for awhile to see, right? It probably sounds ridiculous... but it's something that kept me from actually attempting this last time. So it might help. If you need to talk, I'm here.

...

Sabrina, I, too, admire you for being able to keep exercise in check. That's fantastic. I know that I struggle with that... I never know when enough morphs into too much... normally on Monday nights I go for a ninety minute long yoga class, and about an hour of that is strenuous poses... and I always do the most difficult level of poses that are "offered" (e.g., "you can do X, but if you want to go one level higher, you can do Y, and if you want to really challenge yourself, do Z - but stay at your comfort level and listen to your body - don't be pressured into going any further than your body says is okay" - I always ignore that last bit and go for the hardest level, no matter how much it hurts, because for me it is a competition with my friend [who goes with me] and with myself... and also to wear off what I've eaten during the day).

Anyway. Yeah.

...

My weight's gone up some too, Shannie, and I'm freaking out... I see my N on Wednesday and I am so, so nervous. I'm scared that it's fat, not water or waste retention, or lean muscle... don't know what I will do if I find that out. So scared. I feel like a whale, I really do.

But I am still eating. And eating pretty healthily, I guess. Protein bars mostly. I skipped the main bit of lunch today, but had enough protein bars interspersed throughout the day that I should be okay calorie-wise.

...

Love you all. xx

 

[Shannie]

HI

Ladybug,
Thanks for the reply. I'm EDNOS...originally I mostly restricted but wouldn't have met the anorexia criteria. Then in an attempt to 'fix' myself, mostly for other people so no one would catch me I got into a very cyclical pattern of restricting then overeating. Or eating a normal amount, but all at night after skipping eating all day. There have been variations of how my ED plays out over the years.
I agree with what you said about adapting 'normal' though. Even before my ED I think I had disordered eating habits and I felt part of my identity was not eating normally. I don't even know why now, but I hated eating around people. My friends worried in high school that I was anorexic, but I wasn't, I just wouldn't eat around them. Very silly, I think I just set myself up for the ED that followed a couple years later.

Hehe I'm glad you liked my appliance idea. I have to admit I took the thought from another site I visit and paraphrased it cuz I don't remember the original quote. I think they said something about what we do with our scales being like getting up in the morning and letting your toaster decide if you are going to have a good day or a bad day, or something along those lines.

Sabrina,
Thanks for the encouragement. I was silly with my meal planning, I tried to skimp on lunch but didn't totally admit it to myself, which came back to haunt me when I was starving mid afternoon cuz my body has gotten used to being fed properly. Feeling somewhat stupid. I'll try again tomorrow In the end I made up the calories anyways, just later in the day which made me more anxious then I really need to be if I'd just done the right thing earlier on. Must remember this.

April,
Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you are eating healthy. I wish we could all see how little weight a couple pounds is...some days it seems like so much. I'm sorry you are struggling with your weight too . I hope your appt with your N goes well and you are pleasantly suprised by the scale. But even if your not you are still doing awesome and it is completely normal for weight to fluctuate, as you've told me.


I talked with my best friend tonight, she's moved pretty far away so I don't talk to her very often. She's dealing with a bunch of stuff and so I was glad to be able to be there for her to talk to but somehow after the conversation I've been feeling down. I wish I had someone to talk to like that. I don't know why but it was really triggering...it's like i want to be able to tell people I'm not ok too, but I can't, so I want to use my ED to do it. This has never worked in the past but yet I always come back to it. Anyways, I'm being depressing now cuz I'm tired I think. I always feel better in the morning. I'm sorry for my depressing ramblings, I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow

Thank you girls for letting me talk here...this forum is really helping me remember that recovery will be worth it and the fact I'm still trying is a good sign cuz in previous attempts at recovery I've usually slid back by now. I hope you are all doing well.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

I am that way a little when I feel I have eaten too much April. I work out harder and push myself beyond limit and have hurt myself before...but thats not lately. Its scary when I get into that mode and feel like I have to keep running even when I feel like my legs could break. I set a timer for thrity to sixty minutes and when the timer goes off I HAVE to be done..no i, ands, or buts about it. Its like I have to watch myself like a child I guess you could say...
April try and relax about the weight, Im sure its just water or muscle from the yoga classes and all. I know any weight gain is hard for us, but try to keep in mind that it will be okay....your still a beautiful woman and Im sure the number on the scale didnt go up much!

Your welcome Shannie, just try to remember restricting doesnt get you anywhere..it only makes it harder to eat later because you have given in once. You dont want to give ED any room in your life.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Thank you so much for the welcome. You can call me Hallee, most people IRL life

Tomorrow is the day I go to my PCP and actually discuss this because I was in the hospital with some complications from Monday to Wednesday of last week and the report clearly states what the complications are from so he's going to know anyway...

I hate this. I was anorexic, and actually fit into the little box then, when I was sixteen and nearly died. Now I am bulimic, and it's six years later...

I just kind of feel like I am fighting a neverending battle, one that I am losing.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

*hugs* Hallee! Im so sorry your struggling. This is such a tough battle to overcome, but you know you CAN overcome it. Its not a hopeless case. You have to try very hard and fight hard, and sometimes it seems neverending..but if I can make it through you can too. I believe in all you girls! Jesus is our hope and our salvation from this, when the going gets tough just remember he is there when no one else seems to understand. He knows your pain and hurt, he can help heal you if you allow him to.
Try and start the day positive, I used to sooo many times wake up with negative things on my mind. The best challenge I ever made myself do was wake up and suddenly change those negatives into positive. Like if I woke up and thought 'ugh I dont feel like eating today, or Im so fat.' I immediately prayed and went into the kitchen and poured myself some cereal without a second guessing it...I just made myself do it...I also made myself look in the mirror and say 'Im beautiful.' and pick out things I do like about myself. It really does work overtime, you have to do it everyday but just changing your mind slowly like this does help.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Thanks LovesTruePassion I'm usually a total pessimistic person which doesn't help.

 

[Lady Bug]

OddBeani I don't know what PCP stands for lol but everytime I hear someone (well, not literally hear - but read of accounts) having bulimia, I stop and ask myself if it is really true that they vomit the food out after they eat it - it is really agonizing to think about

I hear that bulimics binge eat first though - well I can assure you I definitely binge eat but I don't purge - which explains my horrid weight gain over the past few months.

Anyway - for everyone: I would love to be saying right now that I'm improving with my binge eating. Sadly - it couldn't be further from the truth. Get this - I seem to eat, and eat and eat - and that signal in the brain that tells us to stop eating....well, it just never goes off. I mean, I can't take it sometimes. I am gaining weight every day for the past week - and my hunger is getting worse and worse. I think it's all depression if you ask me. at my age (and you can guess my age by my username) I just want to be nice and proper weight - sadly - my face is starting to get a chin and I am on the verge of not being able to zip my pants any more. Yet I can't control my hunger - that signal for me to stop eating just does not seem to exist - it's really sad right now. I don't even know how I lost all that weight a couple years ago - because I definitely was depressed then - something is totally out of control now. Keep praying for this situation guys. I cannot truly afford for this to keep happening.

 

[Soulwings]

(((((Ladybug))))) Will be praying for you, beautiful. Don't know what else to say, except keep fighting... things will be better. Don't know when and don't know how, but they will. You've just gotta keep believing in that, as wicked silly as that sounds.

...

I saw my N today and found out that I have gained weight, just as I thought. More lean muscle than fat, which is fantastic, but I'm also retaining water. Ugh. At least it's not all fat, though... that's the one thing I'm SUPER grateful about.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

((Ladybug))

I am so sorry for your struggles.

I stop and ask myself if it is really true that they vomit the food out after they eat it - it is really agonizing to think about

Yes it is true, and the most agonizing part is the emotional turmoil that accompanies it. I do not binge eat, and without going into a lot of details, I will leave it as I just purge.

Please know that if you ever want to chat, privately, albeit this is a safe place (this thread), my PM box is always open.


Oh, and PCP is primary care physician, who I meet with in an hour.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Ladybug I went through some periods of binge eating, and I have never felt that signal in my head to stop. I feel it now, but at the moment when I binged it didnt matter...I just couldnt eat enough...I couldnt get full. I had to have more, this big craving was on my back and it wouldnt go away. However I was the purging type because I went through bulimia-so oddbeani I understand bulimia alot. Its like you have such an empty spot that the food seems to fill and finally when you stuff yourself full, you feel guilty and you let all the emotion and anger your feeling in life go down the toilet and you flush it out of your life. Its very addictive and very hard to recover from, but once again there is hope.

 

[catlover]

I am unsubcribing to this thread...someone reported one of my posts...probably someone who doesn't even post on it but a person who has it out for me.

Oh well...good luck ladies.

 

[Lady Bug]

yikes why would someone report you? do you really have to unsubscribe simply because of one person?

as for the rest of the ladies here I'll get back to you all...

 

[beckybooiloveu]

Hi everyone,
sorry to here you are all struggling at the moment. I am thinking of you all!

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Catlover, dont unsubcribe because of one person...
Hey Becky how are you?

 

[Yuki Usagi]

Subliminal messages are pretty powerful.

Ladybug, just your signature... which is very cute... can be a trigger. It almost is, to me, right now, but it's not associated with my nick or anything, and thus, not directly connected to me but...

It's a cake. How could anyone look at that and not want to eat it? Even King David realized the power of sight:

Psalm One Hundred and One, Verse Three (a):
I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes:

​

I once had a nickname of "the brownies". It was given to me by a cousin two years ago and was meant to be cute. I also created an email account of "the brownies", etc...

Before this, I was the perfect size. But within a few weeks I actually started gaining weight. And I kept gaining it... much to my dismay. Finally, one morning I was signing into my email when I truly believe the Lord spoke to me... all of a sudden "THE BROWNIES" stood out to me like a neon rainbow flashing in the dark. That's what was causing my weight gain.

It was the subliminal message of BROWNIES that triggered my sudden and mystifying craving for sweets and overeating. Well, I got rid of it, immediately. It's been about a year now since then, and although I still haven't lost the weight (mostly because I have quit smoking three times in the last year).

I have only just recently (in the past couple of months) regained the ability to stick to my original (and usual) eating plan (except for a blip last month for a couple of days, which I posted about elsewhere) that keeps my weight where it should be, again. It has taken me that long to get that subliminal message out of my head; that suggestion. For months, I saw it every day, day in and day out, all day long. Just like your signature. It's following you everywhere.

And whenever I look at your posts that cute HUGE Ladybug cake glares at me. Since you are associated with it, ie: your nick here... it may actually have something to do with your food addiction; or at least getting rid of it may help it.

This is just a thought, that I felt I should maybe share with you, just in case. We are here, after all to share things that have helped us, thinking maybe they will help someone else, too. Please forgive me if I've offended you, that is the opposite of my intentions.



Macbeth:

Lots of people have that fluctuation in weight; gain a little, lose a little. Only gaining a little before taking measures to lose it again in my opinion is perfectly normal. You may have the tendency toward an ED, I don't know, but your ability to get the weight back down suggests to me, otherwise. Of course, I'm not a doctor, but that's just my thoughts on the matter.

I've had friends all my life that all of their lives have controlled their weight in just such a manner as you do, and no one ever thought it was an eating disorder.

 

[Soulwings]

Yuki Usagi - just wondering, who is "Macbeth"?? And if it's me, umm, I've been dxed with an ED, went through treatment, so I think that the professionals know what they are talking about. I'm currently doing pretty well in recovery, but to me, you don't really have a right to question whether or not someone here has an ED, unless they are asking for opinions on the matter. I know that I have one... as I said, I have been through tx, I have struggled with the urges to purge, I have lost weight rapidly, I have gone down to XXX calories per day - I could list and list the things that I have done to my body, but I will spare the others here. Please don't make me question myself. That will just make me think that I have no reason to get help when I need it, or to keep up with my therapy and nutritionist appointments.

Thanks.