Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Lady Bug]

Hey LTP and Shannie

I gotta be honest about something - my hesitancy to admit how much I really eat is a dead giveaway that my eating problem is worse than I thought

I may have looked like my dinner wasn't large enough but it definitely IS - I just incorporated a nice amount of veggies into the dinner - but Shannie I will admit that I tend to restrict more what I do in the day than at night which is what leads to the huge dinner - and the munchies do increase at night - I don't know why. I guess I want to feel the least stressed at that time of day - and eating is my defense mechanism against that stressful feeling.

I know that staying on the computer at night is definitely a threat to my eating disorders - it is so so hard to not come to CF at night - I mean it's just really hard - I used to never feel like coming to the computer at night (before I registered here) and went to my bedroom to read or something - now I realize how I used to finish a book a lot easier - it's so hard to go back to that older habit of using the computer responsibly at night instead of being a "couch potato" at the computer. (not sitting at a couch while using the computer - but you know what I mean)

 

[Shannie]

Hi Ladybug!!

Sorry I wasn't trying to say your dinner wasn't balanced, just asking. Mostly because I used to often have this huge plate of mostly veggies and think I was eating a lot, but really it wasn't that much.

I tend to munch while on the computer too. It's easy to waste a lot of time on here. Like I *should* be cleaning my apartment right now! lol. Can you maybe set yourself a certain amount of time and then get off? I personally have not been successful at that, but I hear of other people who do it well lol. I have software installed on my computer that will cut off all my network connections for a certain length of time I pick, which can only be shut off by fully restarting my computer. I think I may need to start using that so I get stuff done lol.

Maybe try adding some more food in the day, a little at a time if that's easier and work on that? One of my strategies is to eat a pretty good sized breakfast. For some reason once I've eaten that I feel like I can't really restrict that well anyways, so I may as well keep eating healthy. Also it kicks my metabolism in gear which helps me eat more normally.

Hope you have a good night

 

[Lady Bug]

it's ok Shannie lol - my dinners normally are not balanced enough - a couple times a week I get happy about what I eat b/c I put some veggies in it - I have just protein/carbs in my dinners most of the time and that has been the problem - I am trying to have some veggies more often even if it's not at dinner...it's just that at the times I'm supposed to eat the veggies, I just wanna relax and lie down on my bed and read or something

 

[Soulwings]

* Soulwings pops in.

I have really been struggling in the past day...

...my Lifecycle Nutrition professor had an ED and was talking about it yesterday, about the things she used to do and about how she looked... and also mentioned some of her work with ED patients in an IP setting...

...so triggering. I didn't know I was still susceptible to it. But I chose to not eat my afternoon snack, which I should've eaten (a protein bar with minimal carbs and maximum protein, which is what I need and what fits into my mp) - and that was unconscious. I realised when I got home and had supper around five thirty that I had not eaten since ten thirty that morning...



...I hate Tuesdays and Thursdays. And I hate that class, for more reasons than one. I am going to write an angsty post in my blog and will post a link here once it's written, in case anyone wants to read it.

...And on top of all of the school stuff that is piling up on me, my new hamster died and I had to bury her last night. I don't know what killed her, but it wasn't old age... must've been a bacterial infection or something... I don't know. I felt/feel horrible about it though... hamster-killer.

 

[Soulwings]

Here's my blog. I don't know how to link to a particular post. I think it hates me.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Try having more protein throughout the day ladybug-and fiber too! Keeps you fuller for longer. Like what do you have for breakfast? If its just cereal all the time-try and change it up with some eggs on whole wheat toast with fruit, or peanut butter with an apple, there are ALOT of healthy choices for breakfast/lunch/and snacks you can make so you wont feel starved by the end of the night. I think eating well balanced during the day is key to fight off hunger/stress at night....I usually feel alot of anxiety when I dont eat well-which stirs up a binge. I have some lovely meal suggestions if you would like them-I would post them on here or you can pm me

 

[Soulwings]

* Soulwings peeks in.

How is everyone doing today?

 

[katey]

to everyone, how you all doing? cant stay long right now but will b bk on later and update how things are going, and to read thorugh what ive missed and try and catch up. i'm back home for a few days now on leave and hopefully wont be in hospital much longer but am going to a really nice place called the phoenix center. its a center with a number of different units on it and the staff are lovely ive been to look at it. its a step down from hospital with 24/7 support but not asclosed in and formal as being on the ward. its more therapeutic.

 

[Soulwings]

Katey, that sounds lovely. I really hope that it helps - so glad to hear that you are on leave for a bit and that you will be getting out of hos soon. Do you feel that you are doing better than you were when you went in? are you on any meds? sick of therapy yet?

Sabrina, Ladybug, Shannie, how're you doing?

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Hey Katey-I havent seen you around in a while!!*hugs*Its so wonderful your going somewhere to get help, thats so brave!
Im good April, just walked a loooong walk today with a BUNCH of people around town holding signs for pro-life and to end abortion-Im a bit sore...but this last couple days I have felt AMAZING! Im praying this lasts...and I have a job interview on monday (at a dream job!)How are you April?

 

[Soulwings]

Glad to hear that you are doing okay, Sabrina! Yey! And about that job - will be praying for you - what job??

I'm not really doing that well. Bipolar is really taking its toll on me right now... don't know if I will make it through the semester at this rate. I really don't know. I am on six meds right now and my antidepressant was decreased because it was making me hypomanic and now I'm kind of suicidal again...



Why doesn't it ever get better?

 

[Criada]

(((((((Soulwings)))))))))

I don't have any advice or wisdom....
But, am praying for you, sweetie.
The support you give others here is awesome... don't forget to take care of yourself as well!

 

[Soulwings]

Thank you, Criada. I will try to take care of myself... it is so hard though. Last night was especially hard... I didn't eat supper or take my pills until seven... and had to call my T in order to get some support. I hate doing that, but I am thankful that she is there for me. Very thankful!!

How are you all doing today? s

 

[Soulwings]

Struggling, struggling, struggling...

J&I just had an argument and I am very uncomfortable about that... and sick of people telling me what to do, always telling me what to do. I HATE that. I feel like I have three sets of parents... all telling me what to do. My tx team - NP, N, and T - J & my sister - my parents. All of whom give great advice. All of whom prove me wrong.

I HATE IT!!!!!!!!




And I have next to no support in real life...
...nix that, no support in real life.

From people who understand, that is. I mean, my T and NP are good supports... but they are part of the "parents" that "boss" me around... and prove me wrong... and I am so sick of that. I don't have any friends to whom I feel I can turn... my two closest friends are the most clueless, and all they could do is listen, and right now I need EMPATHY, which they couldn't give. The only friend I have in real life that has gone through the same stuff moved about nine hundred miles away...



It just seems SO UNFAIR. And when I asked J, "You know how things in life seem unfair?" and I was going to go on to explain how I was feeling at the moment, he just went on about how of course it is an unfair world - if it had been fair, we all would be condemned to death rather than eternal life. True, but NOT what I needed then. And I don't need it now. I need help. But I'll be, er, unlikely to ask for it.

Just feeling so overwhelmed right now. I've so much to do... I want to give up... but because I have to make people HAPPY, I can't. Because as a Christian I have to live for OTHERS, I can't. Because I am recovering for OTHER PEOPLE, I can't. Because I am WRONG, I can't.

*SCREAMS*

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi Soulwings -

Please keep posting here if you need to vent about your lack of support system - I don't know all the code names for the capital letters you put (except J and T) but I was exactly the way (well ok not exactly but bear with me) you were when I was in college a few years ago - I had constant constant fights with my parents about religion and "who I am supposed to marry" and all that - and I had ZERO support - NOT even ONLINE support - heck, I could have done with the latter at least - I was always suicidal during those years - not to mention my binge eating was at its worst back then - and above all that I had to study for three heavy courses during that semester and I was always irritable in school - I also hated myself so bad at that time.

I'm also tired of my family (father/brother) acting as though I have no brain to think of my own - I swear that it feels like they are deciding everything in my life - my job, my course of life, etc. I feel like I'm wasting my time and my life not being my OWN person for a change.

anyway - LovesTruePassion - I'm so sheepish in telling you what I eat - but I might be able to muster the bravery to tell you - but it's really embarrassing. I gotta think about this. lol.

 

[katey]

APril, i'm sorry things arent going well, and i wish i coudl say soemthing that would help you, but right now id probably make you worse but just know that wwere all here for you xxxx

 

[Criada]

(((((((Soulwings)))))))

You don't 'have' to do it for anyone except yourself, sweetie
Praying that you will find the support you need.

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug, you already know T (therapist) and J(arrod), as you said - N = nutritionist, NP = nurse practitioner. Hope that helps some.

I am still struggling. Skipped lunch today because I "didn't have the time." Poor excuse I know. So I made it up tonight at supper, being very hungry (and now I am exhausted)... and feel as though I binged, even though everyone is telling me that what I ate was appropriate and fine and definitely not too much.



How is everyone else doing??

s for all.

 

[JesusFreak2008]

April,

Not doing too good here. J and I got into a bad argument today

 

[Celtic Camel]

Lisa, I think that seeing a dietician/N would be a good idea. I do, and have since oh six, and it's helped me a lot. Got me back on track, etc. Especially if you are struggling a lot... definitely go for it. It gets worse before it gets better, but you will get better!! I have faith in you, love. You can make it. I know you can.

ok... did the dietician thing today...
am with-holding all judgements for the time being... completely stressed by the whole thing... apart from a few bits of chocolate, i didn't eat at all yesterday or until dinner this evening...
just when I really needed to talk to my T, the appt was cancelled yesterday 'cause she's really unwell... don't even know when my next appt is...
blagh...whatever...
praying for everyone!!!