Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Lady Bug]

Hi guys

Today is a um...day filled with "soo-uh-side-ill" thoughts - they just all of a sudden skyrocket - I know right now I don't have the guts but thank God I don't have anything that could trigger it further (like a gun to hurt myself).

beckyboo and catlover - let us all suffer together so you don't feel more alone - although I am not sure if my attempt to help works - if it does not I'm not offended - I feel unskilled in helping anyone even though I'd love to

it's one of those days where I feel that I might as well not try to change anything in my life b/c something always happens to counteract it and kick me back down...*shudder* it's something I am not too eager to explain right now. I think I will - but just not now...

anyway shannie I will do what I can so that my mind does not go too idle and hence get worse...the thoughts, to some extent are always in my head - but I know what you mean.

 

[Soulwings]

Shannie - that's really cool that you and your boyfriend have been together that long. How'd you meet him? and is he supportive? And no, the stuffed animal thing really didn't sound silly... to me at least. I am a huge stuffed animal supporter and would give them to all of my friends if I knew that they would appreciate them. It's getting harder these days to find big squishy ones though. Anyway... How are you doing today??

Ladybug - I'm sorry that you're struggling with sui thoughts... that really sucks. Remember that you are worth more than you think you are... that God and people around you think that... and that your life has a purpose, whether or not you realise it right now, or have found out what it is. Life will get better... I know that it will. I don't know when... but it will get better. How do you spend your days? do you ever pamper yourself? (and not with food, hehe)

Heal me, oh Lord, and I will be healed; save me, and I will be saved, for You are my praise. - Jeremiah seventeen:fourteen

I'm really tired today and I don't know why. I had to pull over and let Jarrod drive half of the way home today, after church and our weekly coffee date (decaf this time because of the hypomania), because I was so exhausted. Ugh. I hate being that tired, especially because I have about a bajillion things to do by Thursday.

Ladybug, there is indeed some comfort in suffering together. I mean, suffering is bad, but knowing that there are others out there who are struggling with the same things as you are is definitely a "good" feeling... not good in the sense that "yey they're suffering" but good to know that you aren't alone in your struggles. (That was a long sentence and I hope it made sense!!) So yes, I agree with you.

Alright. I should get back to work and see if I can get at least one more thing done today before I crash and do some more "fun stuff" ... (like spending time online or reading a non-uni related book)

Oooh, on a random note, I started a new journal. Got it at Barnes & Noble and it is funky, cats on the cover but drawn in a slightly, erm, Gothic way, I guess, if that makes sense. Hehe. Anyone here a journaller?

 

[Lady Bug]

I want to hope and feel that life will get better - thank you Soulwings...

Today is just a bad day - I could get triggered by so many things that others would say "get a freakin grip" on...

one thread was about asking us what we are thankful for and a couple said their wife or husband's love and I just about LOST IT

I can't live another 40-50 years like this - I'm almost wondering how much longer I will be able to live if I'm triggered on "anything"

 

[Shannie]

Ladybug,
I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. If you ever need to talk definitely come here if you want.

April,
We met at school, I knew of him in 1st year and we became friends and then a couple in 2nd year. Seems so long ago now lol. He is sort of supportive, it's hit or miss lol. He tries but often his concern comes across as anger/frustration, which just makes me feel worse. In the summer he was trying to be helpful in helping me be healthy, but often it was just triggering. I think it's mostly my fault, I don't really tell him much of what's going on cuz I don't want to burden him with my problems, so he thinks I'm doing better than I am most of the time. I'm not too good at the 'opening up and sharing' concept, unless its a 3rd party like a counsellor lol.

Today I am finding myself with more ED thoughts, I think cuz it's the weekend. Last week, almost right after I got back from Asia, I started work, so all week there's been structure and I've been ok. I find the weekend a bit harder. I went to the bookstore today to look for Life without Ed, which my counsellor at uni had recommended before I left. Found it but couldnt bring myself to buy it in the store, so Amazon it will be lol. Seeing all teh ED books sort of got me on edge and then I had to grocery shop...not my brightest idea. I was somewhat overwhelmed while shopping and ended up buying too much, cuz I wanted enough real food but my ED wanted 'diet' food, so I bought some of both. But I did manage to come home with real food, so that was good I went to an asian supermarket after the usual one and found that to be easier, I think cuz I'm less familiar with the foods so I haven't attached "good" or "bad" labels to them.

Sorry that was a bit of a novel. Something about the lack of structure has kicked up the ED stuff, I'm hoping to just keept eating healthily and see if that shuts up my ED. Also, my b/f goes away every year and every year I feel the need to lose weight before he comes back. So I've been thinking about that. Although I'm reminding myself last year I did manage to do it and it was one of the first things he said to me when he got back "You look like you lost weight" and he didn't seem particularly happy about it. So history tells me he would NOT like me to lose weight, despite ED's promise that he'll love it. Must remember this.

Thank you girls for letting me ramble. It helps talking stuff through...something about talking about ED's lies and getting them out and recognizing them as lies takes away their power. I feel better...time to make dinner. I have plans to try making something new...this is very uncommon for me, and possibly scary cuz cooking isn't really my thing lol. I'm feeling adventurous after my trip hehe.

Hope you are all doing ok...sending lots of

 

[Shannie]

Oops, sorry ladybug, you posted after I started my post and I didn't see it.

I'm sorry you are having a day like that. I know when my ED was at its worst soo many things triggered me, but it is getting better now as I work through the causes behind my ED and work on recovery. So don't give up Are you in counselling or therapy or anything? I found having an objective person to talk to and get my feelings out with was sooo helpful.

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi

I don't really have the money to go see a doc or therapist right now - since my last temp job I thought I'd have a permanent job by now and hence get healthcare and all - that hasn't been happening and I don't really wanna spend my nonrenewable funds on things I keep having to pay for - I'd love to be able to do these things - but until then - I don't know - I'm just suffering from untreated sui thoughts day in and day out...

this may not be the right thread to post this but in spite of my binge ED, things that trigger me are not food-oriented - and by trigger I mean things that cause sui thoughts to come...

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug, it's pretty much an all-about-anything-that-is-mental-illness-struggle-related in the ED forum... so the ED'd people here feel comfortable posting here, and a few non-ED'd people as well. In my eyes, everyone is welcome. So don't worry about talking about stuff that isn't ED-related... just don't mind talking about ED stuff too.

I hope that makes sense. It was a bit rambly. My mind is all muzzy so that may be the reason...

And, if not a T, do you have an objective third party you can talk to, as Shannie said? like a pastor? I forget, do you go to church? because they may offer free Christian counseling. I know that your situation is pretty unique so I hope nothing I said offended.

Shannie, Life Without Ed is a really good book... we read parts of it in treatment and then I got it and read the whole thing outside of treatment. Very interesting read. I can't really remember much of it since it was in oh six that I finished it... but it was good, I do remember that much!! I loaned my copy to a friend about a year and a half ago and she still hasn't given it back. But yes, definitely get it and read it.

Good luck with the cooking tonight!! What are you making? And I'm glad that you got enough real food... I'm also glad that you didn't let yourself listen to Ed's voice too much... it's hard, I know!! but rewarding in the end. ...Asian markets are so interesting, aren't they? There's one in a town about fifty miles from us that we've gone to sometimes... they have sushi supplies, in which we invested because I love making sushi. Even though I am a vegetarian... hehe. We just do without the raw fish and use things like cream cheese and avocado, carrots/green peppers and cream cheese - asparagus could probably even go in there for a bit of an interesting flavor.

I know that J wouldn't be happy if I lost weight... or at least, a lot of it. My goal weight has now been set by my N, and it is not way far off from where I am!! So excited. It should take probably another nine months to get there, at the rate I am currently going, but that's just fine with me. As long as it stays off, that is good with me. He thinks I look just fine the way I am... and so does everyone else... but I don't, and I wish I could see myself that way. It's almost like I have BDD - I look in the mirror in the morning and I look okay, and then again in the evening and I look like I expanded about a bajillion times the size I was in the morning. It's really annoying, heh. And sounds silly to most people, I suppose, but I think you guys understand. *crosses fingers*

Anyway. I really should go do some more schoolwork...

 

[Lady Bug]

I definitely, definitely have ED - so thankfully not everything I say would be irrelevant - I think my triggers though have not exactly to do with ED - HOWEVER - the more depressed and sui I get - the more I am unable to control my eating.

You're right SoulWings - it is possible for a church to offer free counseling - I have impediments from going to church (family stuff) but trust me - I want to do this so bad but...ugh one of these days SoulWings I will PM you perhaps about this - I'm burnt out for the night. I also have to PM someone tonight about something and it can't wait til tomorrow

 

[Meagan_Believes]

because... believe it or not... christians do suffer from eating disorders... and do need support... it is nice to be able to find support from other ppl who share similar beliefs with you...

wait, is this a support for those who are suffering and need help?
Or a pro-ana thread?

I am sorry if it's a thread to help people with there illness.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

wait, is this a support for those who are suffering and need help?
Or a pro-ana thread?

I am sorry if it's a thread to help people with there illness.

You won't find any pro-ana threads here . This thread and this forum are specifically for those who struggle with EDs and are looking for recovery or to encourage those who are.

 

[Meagan_Believes]

You won't find any pro-ana threads here . This thread and this forum are specifically for those who struggle with EDs and are looking for recovery or to encourage those who are.

Oh I am so sorry, I must have misunderstood this thread entirely I feel horrible.
Glad to here there's no pro-ana threads and that people can get help here.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

OOoh yeah Shannie I agree with what you said a couple pages back-making mistakes is a trigger for me too. When I feel like I did something to ruin everyones fun/etc I feel out of control and like everyone can see right through me and how ugly/fat I am...weird how it links to that when it has nothing to do with that, but it does!

This weekend I had a long cry-J stood right by me too-its just so overwhelming letting go of ED entirely.....and the tears just came because I was triggered this weekend at my cousins wedding shower and all they did was talk about weight.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* for everyone...
i ate some veges at dinner tonight... whcih is the first time that i can remember eating in like a week or two... but then i spent hours purging after because it made me feel really sick (

i think... maybe i should stop posting on here for awhile because im jsutreally not in a good place... and you are all being soo supportive and offering such good advice and support that i know i should follow... but i just cant... not atm... and i feel bad posting when i cant follow your advice... i dont have the strength to atm...

i dont know if any of that made sense... but... hmm... (

thinking of you all

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Becky Im so glad you made an attempt to eat something last night-however it makes me sad to know you purged it all. If its making you sick just try in your best way to keep it down, I know its so easy to purge especially when it upsets your stomach-but the reason behind that is because your stomach isnt used to food when you have been starving it and its trying to process. You will have to underdo physical pain in order to keep some food down. I pray that you can do this-stay strong..please.
Hun please keep postinghere-we want to help!!! We are here to encourage

 

[LovesTruePassion]

We are offering you advice-because we care...we arent demanding it...thats your choice to do it...

 

[beckybooiloveu]

i know you rae offering advice because you care... but i feel bad because i come in and post.. andou offer advice that im not strong enough to take... but it is such good advice...
im not making any sense... sorry...

 

[LovesTruePassion]

*hugs* Becky-we give the advice whether you take it or not....I wish you would...but we give it in spite if you take it or not. We knows your struggling, we ALL are, we are here for you..and this is a support forum....you cant just snap out of an ED and we know that....we are just trying to offer hope and please please stay with us

 

[Soulwings]

Bec, please stay. I don't think that any of us thinks that we can recover from EDs very quickly... and it doesn't matter if you aren't able to take our advice right now... someday you will be able to. Right now - especially right now - you need to know that there are people out there who support you and want the best for you. Who accept you as unconditionally as possible. You are a wonderful person, even though you are struggling. All of us are imperfect... but all of us have positive traits too. You are caring and supportive of us... give us a chance to be the same for you. Love you, sis.

Meagan, I'm glad that you understand now the purpose of this thread. I should hope that there wouldn't be any pro-ana/mia threads on a Christian site... wish you had taken a closer look at the thread before posting.

It's a little annoying that the server split the thread and now it says that Katey started the thread instead of me... not that it should matter. It's just weird.

I am struggling with my ED right now, kind of... I got a café latte at the coffee shop in the bookstore here on campus, and she asked me if I wanted whole or skim milk, and without thinking I said whole... It tastes good, but now I feel really guilty, even though I know that I can use the calories since I will be doing a strenuous yoga class tonight. It is just... I don't know. I'm sure you all can understand, though. Stupid speaking without thinking beforehand!!

 

[LovesTruePassion]

It's okay April-think of the whole milk having lots of calcium for your bones-try to make everything you feel is negative and turn it into something positive!!

 

[Shannie]

Hi ladies,

Becky, I'm sure we've all been there, where we can hear advice and know it's good and want to take even but just aren't at a place where we can do it. If you feel up to it think of a tiny baby step you can manage and do that. I find during recovery sometimes the smallest things are such a struggle and I occassionally feel silly being proud of myself over achieving my little micro goal, but I shouldn't. Because that little goal was big for me and it was one step in the right direction. Sometimes all I can do is just try not to get worse and even that can be such a challenge. Keep posting if it helps. We all understand and I know for me, I just offer advice in hopes maybe something will help. Heck more often than not I'm offering advice I can't even take sometimes, but I hate to think of other people struggling too so I offer it anyways.
Sending you lots of .

April,
(referring to last page btw). That is so cool you make sushi!! I'd only tried sushi around here a couple times and I HATED it. But I liked it much more in Japan...better sushi and I think it's a bit of an acquired taste for some people. I think I will try it again around here but look for a better place. I didn't make anything that adventurous, just stirfried some meat, veggies and noodles together. Not bad but I slightly undercooked the noodles so they were a bit too crunchy. Oops! hehe.

And about the milk thing, I totally hear you. Good job on choosing whole milk though! It tastes better and has lots of healthy stuff. Last night when I was shopping I was standing in the dairy aisle agonizing over whether to get one% or two% yogourt lol, your story just reminded me of that. Funny how ED can take those little tiny decisions and use them against us. I mean logically if I eat the two% yogourt, I will not blow up like a balloon. How do you like doing yoga btw? I was considering trying it out if I could find a good class.

Sabrina,
I'm sorry you were so triggered at the wedding. I agree, letting go of ED entirely is terrifying. I feel like I have gotten close to recovered before and slide back cuz I'm scared of being fully recovered. I think I need to sort through that so this time I just keep going and recover I'm glad J was there with you to be supportive.