Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Soulwings]

I found something else that works... kind of... but I won't say what as it is probably against the rules (tip sharing). There are some videos of it on YouTube and I was pretty stupid to look at them, come to think of it...



How did you mess things up again, Katey? And if you can start getting things back on track once, you can do it again. Hang tough, love.

 

[katey]

everyone,
April, i'm not sure (i might just be reading it wrong) but that sounds like it it might not be a good thing to do. maybe find soemthing that helps you fight those thoughts and feelings a bit more positivly???

Erm i messed up i ended up being really stupid and ended up in AnE and had all my leave taken off me. stupid i kno but i wasnt doing so well.

 

[Soulwings]

Aww I'm sorry that things aren't going so great right now... but at least you are getting help, right? Keep hanging in there.

No, it's not that good to do, although it's not as bad as it would be were I still cutting (I threw all of my blades away). But I am going to try to not do it... it is so hellishly hard...

How is everyone doing? (Talk about reeeally quiet...)

 

[Arianna]

April -- That's fantastic!!! Well done on throwing all your blades away - that must have been so hard Try to stay safe and try not to hurt yourself doing 'anything else' - but don't lose sight of how much you have achieved already
Hows everything else going?

Katey - sorry things are so hard How are you feeling now?

 

[Soulwings]

Ari How are you doing?? we never hear about you anymore

I am... struggling. Not with ED/SI stuff... but other stuff... and I don't know what to do and I really can't ask for help because it's such a very touchy topic. So I don't know what to do. What a little seed of doubt can do...

 

[Lady Bug]

ugh.

when will this end.

I weighed myself this morning and I think I've gained X pounds in the past X weeks I just realized I've gained X pounds over the past year and a half due to food addiction...I gained X out of the X pounds I worked so hard to lose and I'm just not ok right now

I'm exercising like heck but I just don't eat right and I don't even know how anymore nor in the mood to care

 

[Soulwings]

Please, no numbers. I don't want you to scare away or trigger anyone here. The number filter is there for a reason.

I'm sorry that things are going so badly for you. And I wish that I could say more that would help. Just keep hanging in there... keep praying about seeking help and finding a job and gaining independence... you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Lady Bug]

thank you Soulwings. for what it is worth I edited the post above and put X's in the place of the numbers - however silly it may look - I do want to take into consideration the trigger factor - given how very easily I myself am triggered. The least I can do is care about someone else's feelings.

I'll try to get down to the weight I was a couple weeks ago and go from there. I can't even believe I "let" it get this far.

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks for replacing the numbers with X's. Actually, one thing that I do, to help give it a little more sense - when I am talking about two digit numbers, I do two X's, three digit numbers, three X's... that type of thing. That way it lets the reader know a little more of what's happening without actually triggering. (At least, I think that works...)

Keep fighting. It's really hard to win a war like this... but remember, God is on your side... I don't know when or if He will heal you, but He is there, and this disease is not your fault. Keep clinging to Him... sometimes He is very distant, it seems, but in truth, He is always listening. I hope that made some sense...

...and as always, if you need to talk, I'm here.

 

[Macbeth105]

Hey, I'm new. Well I struggle with cutting and bulimia. I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I don't feel like I have one. It seems like all of you on here either starve yourselves or are addicted to food. I feel like I'm neither, because I am adicted to food, but I just make sure I don't gain any weight. I do loose a few pounds but then I gain a few pounds and it starts all over again. I feel stupid for getting help because I'm not underweight. Sometimes I don't see what the big deal is, , but I just hate the emotions and obsessiveness to eating. Anyone else feel like this?

 

[Celtic Camel]

don't know what is wrong with me anymore...
just keeps going downhill...my counsellor is worried... maybe i should be but i only have the energy to keep trying to be ok... everytime i see her, it's like i can let down my guard and it all spills out, and appears alot worse than i really am...
went for a massage today (after hurting my back yet again by tripping over a wombat - hilarious, i know)... glad my face was hidden in the table, cause i nearly cried that my massuer didn't comment on the newest scars (I never go when they're fresh...but it's still kinda obvious) She massaged over them as though she didn't even see them, which somehow touched my heart in a way i didn't expect...
what do you guys do when you're scared to be left alone, but also too scared to admit it? I know can't trust myself anymore...
and the med's i am on don't seem to be helping
i just want to give up...but people expect me to keep going, and so i do... why do people expect what i don't know how to give anymore???

anyway,
hope everyone else out there is doing better.
love & prayers to all.
xoxox

PS... here's my latest pathetic attempt at a poem...

i tear my skin open
to release the pain inside
i starve my body into submisson
if i'm invisible i can hide

if you see signs that i've been cutting
what will you risk to show you care?
if i walk aware from the table
do you see the emptiness in my stare?

if i let the flesh-wounds heal
can You remove the weight of shame?
if i learn to feel the hunger
can You bring me life again?

 

[Soulwings]

Lisa. I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now... can you talk with your pdoc about changing your meds, since they don't seem to be working? (also, if you're not eating enough, that also may be why they aren't working) It would touch my heart about the masseuse not commenting on or avoiding scars also... so I understand about the wanting to cry. I'm glad that you have your T to turn to, even if you do feel like you "dump" too much when you are talking with her. It is a place where you can be real.

(And that's not a pathetic attempt at a poem! It's good and gets your feelings and thoughts across to the reader very well. )

...

I am not doing great. Anxiety is through the roof and depression is up there too... my hamster just died and I found out that when my sheep and goat die they won't be buried on my parents' property... too big... and for some reason that made me cry. It's TOM ("time of month") so that could explain the tears, since I rarely cry... but in any case, I am feeling Rubbishy.



T appt in an hour and a half, though. So... maybe it's a good thing?

 

[katey]

How did you T app go april? hope it helped a little, how you feeling now?

hows everyone else doing???

i'mm feeling pretty pants at the minute, its not been a good couple of day, i'm writing this really quickly because i have to give my laptop back in in a short while. i'm on a one-to-one level at the minute. i've been having a lot of sui thoughts, but they got to more than just thoughts. and because i'm not feeling too safe they thought was best being lvevelled and see how i get on. depressions coming up a lot right now, i thought i was doing ok with it but im struggling again. ED wise things arent going too great either, i tried to eat (i convinced them i would so they took the tube out) but then i was being a bit naughty and theyve figured it out, they have to wait til doc comes and sees me on monday to decide whats going to happen with that. ie lost weight as well and my bloods arent too good. my kidneys arent working too well right now so theyr worried about that and i might have to have a blood transfusion because im very very aneamic right now.

so thats things with me right now not too well

 

[Soulwings]

Katey. I'm sorry that things are so rubbish. That really sucks... please please try to take care of yourself... I know it is so hard but it will be worth it. I don't know if you can see that now, but trust me... Focus on recovery, and remember - WE WILL OVERCOME.

My T appt went okay. I am really dosed up on antianxiety meds right now... one of them was more than doubled and switched back from Ativan to Klonopin, so I am still feeling Rubbish in the depressive department, but anxiety is nearly gone. Whew!

s to everyone. Ari, Bec, Tn, Kerin, how are you guys? So quiet!!

 

[Celtic Camel]

April, so sorry about molly! I know you must miss her - but she's in hamster heaven now...
Katey - praying for you hon, I know it's hard, but try to hang in there and do what they are asking... it's for the best (even tho you brain will try to argue against it)... we love you!!!

just got back from doc and T appts... med's dose has double.... and i gotta go back in two weeks - (s*#t I hate being honest with docs!)... on the up side, my weight is back up to where it was six weeks ago when I first saw him, so that eased my T's mind a little (well, not really, but at least I didn't get frowned at for losing more...)
and counselling was ok - didn't cry today...close but controlled it...have a few practical things i think i can actually work on this week too... it's all so much like hard work sometimes.
anyway, I might be around a little for the next few days as my housemates are away, so i will have access to the net and will probably need company...

love & prayers to all...
xoxox

 

[Soulwings]

Yey Lisa, I'm glad that you're doing a little better... or at least it sounds like you are? I may be reading it wrong... and I'm also glad that your weight is back up to where it was awhile ago, even if you feel like a blimp or whatever (you're not! ). And yey for being around more! That is exciting... I miss seeing you around and wonder how you are doing often.

The war against SI is on... the way I'd been doing it in the past (pretty deeply, i.e. nearly needing stitches) is not enough anymore... it is getting dangerous... so I threw out my blades (as I said). And now I know I can't do it... but it is SO D**N HARD!!

 

[LovesTruePassion]

Hey girls!!! Im back, hope you remember me(lovesenduringpromise-Sabrina)?? Anyways Im doing so well with ED, Ive been in active recovery for 6 mths now and went to therapy for 2 1/2 of those months. Im glad to be back and though I do have my rough days Im holding onto the Lord to get me through...and Im maintaing a healthy weight Being healthy is awesome girls, fight this hard....dont let your ED control you any longer...food isnt the enemy, ED is.

 

[LovesTruePassion]

*two and a half

 

[katey]

hey Sabrina, good to see you. well done for how far youve got. keep going girl your doing so well

April, how you doing, please try n keep fightin the war with SI stuff its hard, i kno its so so hard when you know you cant do it.

Hey Lisa, good to see you.

hope everyone else is doing ok

my ED doc came to see me today, didnt go down to well, hes ordered loads of tests n scans n stuff because they think things arent going too well physically. hes coming back down on wednesday and if ive not managed to eat hes going to have the tube put back in

 

[Soulwings]

Yey Sabrina, welcome back. I wondered where you got to! I'm so glad to hear that things are going well for you... I remember that things were really rough for you awhile back, and was worried for you. But yey on you! So glad!

Katey, keep fighting, love. You can do it, you can get better. Just keep at it. At least the tube will keep you alive... praying for you.

I am not doing great. Was talking with Jarrod today and had to admit that I really can't call myself stable right now. Has more to do with SI and bipolar and suicidality than ED though - I am losing weight now (as I am supposed to) and so am eating right. I'm weighing myself nearly every day, not helpful I know, but usually encouraging, so I continue to do so. I'm so glad to not have Ed on my back right now though, don't think I could handle that.