Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (4)

[katey]

April no need to be sorry if it helps let it out xx

 

[Soulwings]

Katey

everyone else

How is everyone doing today? s

 

[katey]

thanks April, how you doing today?

Ladybug, its hard to admit that theres a problem its a huge step to get past but doing it might help you realise whats causing the problem and have help in doing that. xxx

 

[Soulwings]

Ehh I'm okay. Worried about seeing my NP on Saturday... afraid of what she will say. The word "hospital" has been lurking over me for the past few months; ever since I was first suicidal and she asked me, I have been freaking out every time I go to see her. Blah. I'll write more on that in my blog tonight, I guess.

How are you doing?

 

[Arianna]

Hallo everyone,

Hi, Ladybug - nice to meet you

You don't need to apologise April - I'm sorry things are so hard, and, Katey, for you too.
I wish I could do something to help :-(
How are things today?

xxx

 

[beckybooiloveu]

hey all... sorry i ahvent been around much... with being sooo sick last week (i couldnt sit up to type...), rowing finals on last sunday and end of semester exams looming in 2 weeks im freaking out... havent had much time to do anything... we ahve our choralfest tomorrow night aswell which is a bit stressful trying to organise last minute rehearsals and everything...
eating wise im not doing that great... trying to restrict myself alot... it was a good start last week from being so sick i couldnt eat... i lost alot of weight also from being so sick... and now im jsut trying to continue it... bad idea i know...
and thoughts arent good either... i jsut... i feel so hopeless atm.. and i feel like a waste of space... im soooo stressed about my upcoming exams. i dont ahve enough time to prepare for all of them... i ahve 2 more assignments due this week... then next week is our study week... and then exam block starts in which i have 5 major exams... im not good with exams... at all... ahhh....
SI isnt good either.. and ive been wanting to talk to my friend about it... because i promised her i would... but i jsut cant get myself to do it... anyways... i have to go to uni... ill tyr and post more often... but my posts are also taking a long time to post atm too because of that bug... unless they have fixed it... i dunno...

*HUGS* im thinking of all of you!

 

[Soulwings]

How are things for you, Ari? Any better or are you still struggling lots?

I'm doing alright. Last night was a very rough night but in the mornings I can hardly believe that the nights happened. And I also gained back the weight I lost last week, I think, unless it's water... drat being stressed!! I'm trying so hard not to be that I end up stressing over trying to be unstressed. It's ridiculous!

How is everyone else doing today?

 

[katey]

april i understand what its like to get stressed about tryng not to be stressed (ouch thats a mouthful!) i guess all you can do at your app hun, is be honest with them (easier sed than done i know) but i've found that if your not honest and open with them about things (ok not everything) then things just get worse and your end up in that spiral. i know that being honest wit them may result in them doing things you dont want to, but youl be glad (ok you might not be at first but later on when you feeling a little better about it) sory am not very helpful at the minute.

i'm worrying about what my team will say later on, theyr bringing a doc out with them to do anothr assessment to see how muc of a risk i am, and seeing as they are pretty concerned rght now i dont think its going to gotoo well *sigh*


Ari, Ladybug Kerin how you?

 

[MyaShane]

Well, I knew going into the weekend that it would be all about food and more food because we had three family meals to go to and that always means BIG meals! By Monday, I didn't even have an appetite anymore because I was so tired of eating!! I don't feel as bad about it all as I thought I would though so that's a good thing I think. But we were also playing a lot of games outdoors, softball, kickball, etc. so I got a fair amount of exercise to balance it out.

Ladybug, welcome. Hope you feel like you can get some support and advice here. I read your other thread too and wanted to ask if you've ever had your thyroid levels checked? One of my sisters was experiencing depression and was always hungry and it was found that her levels were off and she's doing much better now. Just a thought.

April - for your upcoming meeting!! And for your assessment too Katey!

 

[Soulwings]

Yeh Katey... you're right, being honest with tx teams is a hard thing... especially when the consequences may not be the most desirable. I don't want to end up in hos for a fourth time, been there enough as is, but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be a better thing than staying out. People there understand and can help me get back on my feet again. The only problem is my parents finding out. I'd be watched like a hawk and it would be horrible. I'm old enough to have privacy, but when I am suicidal, well, it makes sense to be supervised, but I hate it!!

I hope your team assessment goes okay... risk to whom? yourself or others? If you need to go in hos... well, trust their judgment, is all I can say. Hard to trust and hard to be honest, but I think it's worth it in the end?

 

[katey]

i totall understan where your coming from with that april, my mum would find out how bad things are and then theres the being watched stuff, it does my head in. i understand they hav to check but it does feel like they watch yo9u all the time.

my assessment didnt go well at all, it was a danger to myself they dont think am a danger 2 nyone else just me. and yeah they want me in hospital but are sturggling to find a reason to section me (stupid because they keep threatening me with it) i think theyr hoping i turjn round and agree to go in, but cant see that happenijng.

i'm struggling loads at the minute majorly tonight i kno i should ring them but i also kno what theyl do/say and i'm not going to hospital :'(

 

[Soulwings]

Kerin, I'm glad that you got through Memorial Day weekend/day okay... whew! Three meals... that's crazy! I would go insane if I had to be at all of them. We just had one meal, and that was a picnic and we each prepared what we were going to eat - just the parents and Jarrod and me, so it really was barely a celebration. All of the exercise outside sounds fun, though - do you have a big family? and how are your girls?

I'm sorry that it didn't go well, Katey Please... go to hos if you don't think you will be safe. I know you've been there a lot already and don't want to go, but being there and safe and losing ground in your course is better than being out and unsafe and doing poorly in all aspects of life bc of suicidal and other "bad thoughts." Why don't you want to go in?

s to all.

 

[katey]

Kerin glad you got through it, i kno it must have been hard for you. all that excercise does soun fun though

April how you doing? bec and everyone else


i kno its probably the better and right thing to do, but i'm trying so hard to stay out. i hate not having control while i'm in there. theyll notice all the weightloss, the old habits(ok they didnt really go n ehwere.) i didnt want to get back to where i am and i'm really annoyed with myself for it, but at the same time i dont want them to stop me, everytime they stop me, i pull away from their help because its not what i want (if that makes sense) i have been in sooooo many times and whers it got me, nowhere i'm still getting back to this point. i dont want to be safe either (i cant explain why though, so doesnt make much sense) and the thought and way i'm feeling arent scaring me, so its not a problem is it?! :'(

 

[Soulwings]

It's a bad thing if the thoughts etc. aren't scaring you... they ought to, as they are dangerous and unhealthy. I understand what you mean about "why go in again if I just end up at the same place I was before I went in?" bc that is where I am right now... hospital material but am scared about going in since I don't see the point. I'm afraid of what my tx team is going to say ... "relapse" ... "hospital" ... "can you stay safe?" ...

... and I see my T this afternoon. I can't go in hos yet, we're going on a trip this weekend and I have to stay okay for that trip, otherwise it will screw up my parents' plans and things will get yuckier and yuckier.

Ugh. Why can't things ever be easier?!

(On the bright side, my birthday is on Sunday )

 

[katey]

someone else said a similiar thing about them not scareing me, its made my team worry anyway and my friends(or the few that know) sometimes i wish they wuld scare me again, like they used to do because it used to make me feel 'real and alive'(if that makes ne sense at all) andwas normlly what made me et help. but now i dont get it, it just emphasizes that 'dead' feeling and its not a scary thing anymore(wich s probably why i seem so relaxed).
yeah i kno ful well if i old my team how bad things are, theres no way theyd let me stay outta hospital so i'm hlding back from what i'm saying.

your like me hun, you think of everyone else before you. parents dont help much really, mine certainly doesnt. she doent have a clue how bad things have gotten, and i'm not plning on telling her either. (ok yea its likely to come out at some point bt wll see)

i hope it goes ok this afternoon, try and talk to her, i know its hard but least youl have shared it a little.

my cpn has tried ringng me 3 times in the past hour and dont wanna talk to her.

 

[Soulwings]

Yeh, it's getting to the point where those thoughts seem normal for me too. Kind of ridiculous really, but I can't put myself in the shoes of someone who has never felt suicidal, bc I don't understand how you don't feel suicidal. It's as if I think that "doesn't it happen to everyone at one point?" ... but that is faulty thinking, I guess. Still can't imagine what it would be like not to hate oneself though. Weird!

I stayed out of hos by this |-| much... i.e., barely. She almost went out to tell my dad (first time in weeks that someone's gone with me, just luck that it happened to be this week, car was in shop and my dad didn't want me driving the truck by myself) and only got stopped after I agreed that I would call Jarrod if I get to the point of actually killing myself. I don't know if I will be able to actually do that... but at least I'm out of hos, right?

And no I am NOT pro-suicide, in case there are any mods here checking this out. I just... well, I hope my post explains what I'm thinking.

Katey please stay safe.

 

[katey]

you need to stay safe too April, i am glad your not in hospital because i know you didnt wanna go in(or not yet) but please ring Jarrod if it gets to that stage, well done for talking though.

and yeah, its like when i'm maybe not feeling like that it like whoa hang on a minute whats going on!!! surely everyone feels like this sometimes. it makes it slightly easier to deal with too i think. its just life is normally my response.

i kno that your not pro-suicide hun as does everyone else xxxx

 

[Soulwings]

I'll try to stay safe. It sucks when things get rough, and I hate feeling like I am babbling about it to everyone under the sun. I kept it quiet for awhile and now I need to talk and I never used to need that, not back in 2005/2006 when life was so very bad. So... ziiiip goes April's mouth.

Yeh. I remember the feeling about it feeling weird to not feel this way (if that makes sense!). Now it's not as "comfortable" or normal a feeling, so I am feeling a bit odd about the whole thing, which is as it should be I suppose. But feeling more comfortable with the idea of dying than not, bc I feel like I've blow too many things to recover from them all right now or any time.

Ugh. Once again, ziiiiiiip goes April's mouth.

 

[katey]

you dont have to zip here hun, talk away its not babbling at all if it lets you get it out go for it. i can so see what your saying, i think people that havent been here would freak out if i said about how i feel, n that its normal n stuff but i guess you wont understand i unless youve been there. ok i'm rambling now.


i'm having a rough night at mo, its 1am and i need to go out and dissapear. i feel like running away from everything, from everyone that will stop me!!!!

 

[Soulwings]

Please don't run away or get yourself into any more trouble than you're already in right now. You don't need the repercussions of running away or disappearing. Try and stay safe, even though you want to run and hide...

I do feel like I'm babbling though. Ugh. Unpleasant feeling. :-(

I hope that your night went a bit better? and we are really whizzing along in this thread, everyone else is going to have a lot to keep up with if they are actually reading along! (Lurkers, come out! )

s to all.