Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (4)

[Celtic Camel]

hey guys...
I'm glad i stopped by... could really use those hugs right now.
people who say that you can ring them anytime don't really mean it a midnight, do they?
think I'm gonna go hide
hope everyone else is doing better.

 

[MyaShane]

hey guys...
I'm glad i stopped by... could really use those hugs right now.
people who say that you can ring them anytime don't really mean it a midnight, do they?
think I'm gonna go hide
hope everyone else is doing better.

Lots of hugs Lisa. Good to see you.
When I tell people that I really mean they can call me anytime. Don't know about whomever said it to you, but if you're needing help, I hope they are there for you!

 

[Soulwings]

Okay...

...here goes a heavy post.

...

...

...

*sheepish*

I SI'd last night for the first time in about two months. Okay, not a big deal, right? Well, it is, because not only do my parents and my sister think that I've stopped, but I lied to my parents about how I got the injury. I've not cut in nearly six hundred days so you see why this is a big problem. (And no, I didn't cut, so I am still counting those days...)

I also didn't see my nutritionist today, due to the snowstorm that we're having right now. Suckage extraordinaire. I had a bipolar freakout over it, and while that was over in a few minutes, it really sucked. And I'm still freaking out about it. My mum gave me permission to weigh myself tomorrow morning to see if I've gained/lost over the past week... and while that is practically contradicting the orders that Bruce (my N) gave me, it's still permission, and I CANNOT wait another week to find out what I weigh. Can't. No.

I've also been feeling really numb lately. Not happy, not sad, just in the middle. I think it's my meds doing that, and also, the constant physical exhaustion (which, in turn, leads to mental exhaustion).

So yeah. That's the down and dirty on me.




...

...

How are you all doing??

 

[katey]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((April)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sorry not fab with words right now, but i'm thinking of you loads hunni. xxxx


i'm not fab will come and post a bit more later on after i get back from the doctors (again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) if i'm up to it.

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

*hugs and prayer* for April!!!!!! Im sorry you had the urge to SI and went through with it. I know that is difficult to overcome at times, just like the urge to not eat etc.....
BUT even though you did give in, you cannot let it get you down and youll end up doing it again.....just pray about it and know we are here for you when you need to talk....be positive in this mess up...b/c negativity only leads to more destruction....

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

And we all fail....we are not perfect.....so in order to regain our control in a postive aspect we have to pick ourselves back up and try try try again....

 

[MyaShane]

April, I'm sorry! You've done brilliantly though if you look at the big picture! Um, and you know I understand about telling the lie. I guess sometimes we have to weigh what we think we can handle and if it was enough on you to deal with what happened, it might have been just too much to add your family's reaction as well. I don't know, am I making sense? Anyhow, praying for you!!

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

I understand exactly what your saying Kerin

 

[Soulwings]

Kerin, I understand what you're saying, perfectly. Although it's hard to fathom you saying that, since you're a mum and you are probably thinking some of what you would do if your daughter(s) was/were in my position. (Maybe? ) Aaanyway... yeah. I can't handle my family's reaction(s). I can't. I know exactly how my mum would react - the unconscious silent treatment. My dad wouldn't be upset, but he'd be all WHY?!?! And my sister... well, she doesn't live with us anymore (grad student in Arkansas, we're in Pennsylvania), and I don't really update her with what's going on with me, even though I know that she wouldn't rat to Mum & Dad. (Thankfully!!)

But still. I can't handle that. I can't. It's too much.

And I've messed up with my meal plan, too. Does anyone know the nutrition information for a menthol eucalyptus cough drop?? I suppose I could look it up online as it's a bit of info that not many people would think of looking up, haha. Just wondering because I've been having a lot of those since I've now got a head cold.

Sabrina, thank you for your support, girl. You're right, it is just a slipup and I should - should - be able to pick myself up from it. But I don't want to. I like SI'ing. (Won't go into any much further information on that though, heh.) I know that it's not good, but my pain tolerance has been decreasing, and I don't like that. I need to build it back up again........

Ugh.

This was a complete dump, I'm sorry.

How are you all doing??

 

[katey]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((April))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i totally understand the si thing. and the pain tolerance stuff
and it wasnt dumb at all its good you can get it out in here.

i cant tell my mum n e thing to do with n e of my stuff cpoz her reactions are so mixed and i cant cope with n e of them, my sisters only ## n doesnt understand she just got used # b going into hosp all the time n being away for a while.



i'm not good at all haveing a really rough patch at the minute with everything from EDto si to fmaily n freidns n general stuff its just all really going wrong right now.


it does get better.............................................right??????????????????

 

[Soulwings]

I think that it does get better. (At least, I can think that for other people, and not for me.) We all go through rough patches, and we WILL pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off after surviving those rough bits. I'm sorry to hear that so much is going crappily for you, Katey Just hang in there and do the best you can in the circumstances that you've got.

 

[katey]

thanks April, i'm like that can tell other people evrything going to be ok yet it coems # me n dnt really believe it. i'm trying not gettin g very far thouhg. i need to go to bed and attemtp to get soem sleep, wotever that is. so i will cathc up later take care xxxxxx

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

Same here Katey. I can tell people it will be okay and encourage them and give them great advice, but me....I cant....its like an exception for me....and i feel like a hypocrite at times

 

[MyaShane]

Kerin, I understand what you're saying, perfectly. Although it's hard to fathom you saying that, since you're a mum and you are probably thinking some of what you would do if your daughter(s) was/were in my position. (Maybe? )

No, I was thinking of what I would have done myself. Outside of this board, I've yet to meet anyone who has ever remotely understood what I deal with my ED and so I never talk about it to anyone in my personal life even though there are those that know I struggle with it, but they have no idea to what degree. Even my husband. I can well remember one particular incident and although he's supportive of me, he was shocked to get a glimpse into it and so now, I don't let him see that. And I think being a mom makes me even more prone to try and avoid confronting some of the issues with anyone because I think I need to be the perfect mom for my girls, the perfect wife, the perfect employee, and the perfect student. So, if I could white lie my way out of any more stress, then, yeah I'd take that low road. Is that what you meant or am I rambling once again?

 

[MyaShane]

How's the book writing going Sabrina?

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

Same here Kerin, there is no one around here who understands my ED either. My husband has tried, but its not the same unless you have been in it yourself. Thats why I thank God for this thread and to talk to women like yourselves.
I have that urge to be the perfect wife, perfect student, perfect writer, perfect friend, perfect christian....Im always trying to get it right....and when I mess up I feel out of control...and I think thats where my Ed roots from

Oh and my book is ....well on hold for right now...Im having a bit of writers block...Im praying for words though

 

[katey]

hey hows everyone doing, i'm having a rough time at the minute, everyones at at me abou everything right now, the weights falling of me and i cant give them a reason as too why it is. the problem is, part of me (still a pretty big part to be honest) is liking it but then the other part of me knows its not good and cant understand why its going so quickly right now, doesnt like it.
the drinks that they gave me to take doen seem to be doing anything to help either so thats not good because i know that leaves them only one option, and its the option i dont want to do.

theres just too much going on, too many people interfearing and its really really getting to me. i've had a bad wek all round i think, i've SI'd pretty bad this week to and its not good, because it shows them i'm not coping wiht it, and because i'm having regualr checks n styuff its really hard to hide even when i try and hide it they find it!!!!

i just wanna dissapear right now.


sorry that was a little bit of a long ranting post x

 

[Soulwings]

/me hugs everyone.

Kerin, yes, that was sort of what I meant. I feel as though I have to be perfect as well, but I can't not let Jarrod in on what is going on in my head, because I absolutely cannot lie to him, so I try and let him know, try and convey what's going on and why it's happening, even though I know he can't fully grasp it. My parents on the other hand... I do lie to them. Not very frequently, and it's not because I feel that I have to be perfect anymore (as much as I used to feel that way, though), because they reassure me that I don't have to be a perfect student for them to love me... but still. I don't want them to know about me still SI'ing.

Ack, I don't know, it's all a confused mess in my mind. I know that I can't be perfect for Jarrod, that's already been proven by me making him cry by my actions.... and I can't be a perfect daughter because I weigh on my parents too much (or would if they knew all that was going on).... and I can't be a perfect friend because I can't be as supportive as I could be if I weren't going through difficulties. And I am feeling more free to talk about things with my friends (also to whom I can't lie, anymore), which is good I suppose. Bleh. I told you that it's all a confused mess!

How are you all doing today?

Katey, I'm sorry that stuff is so rough for you right now. I wish I could say something that would help more, but know that we're all rooting for you and also that people in your life only want to see you better. That's why they are "bothering" you so much.

* Arnold snuggles up to Katey.

 

[katey]

think iknow that confusing feelings, my heads bit messy like that too.

thanks april, i dont think i can see that they are worrying thats why they r bothering me, as much as i porbably kow it its not how i feel i just feel like their interfearing, getting at me all the time. i kno its hard for them and i've upset so many friends because of it because they dont like seeing me like this its just so hard trying to please everyone. i kno that they dont understand whats going on as much as a few freinds have tried. one of them does shes having similiar issue at the minute but its coping so muc better than i am.

aarrgghh its just all yucky

Katey snugles back up to arnold and feels safe

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

Hola everyone..whats up today?