Support for Joyful11

[cory533]

I beleive when you forgive you give up the right to be repaid. or to nurse the wound. that does not automatically mean you cannot remember or still feel the pain. But it is the first step toward getting past the pain.

 

[alwaysyoung]

Have you heard of the book called The Wounded Woman?
It has some amazing things to say about forgiveness, etc.
Still praying for you. *hugs*

 

[joyful11]

We were doing counseling weekly but since we are in ID, we are going to do it sporadically over the phone. I do journal some. It helps. I like the crime analogy too. I think that "nursing the wound" is a perfect explanation of what I'm doing. That gives me something to ponder. I'll have to look up that book cnlisa. I haven't heard of it before. Thanks for all the replies.

 

[cory533]

Right now God is dealing with my with regards to my co-dependence on my wifes bad behavior. She is mentally ill and as a part of that has had frequent affairs. I am now coming to terms with the fact I have become dependent on her being the "bad one" and me being the poor victim. I was blameless and so whatever I did was not so bad as her. A part of me came to delight in the game of catching her in knowing I was better. Now she is getting help and getting better and I have to look in the mirror and recognize what a sanctimonious , pompous a jerk I've been in the name of being the "good one". No my behavior does not justify hers but neither does hers negate mine. Please don't fall into the same co-dependant cycle I have. How many years have I wasted blocking God's healing and blessings?

 

[tp65]

Joyful11,

Cory, wow, that is honest! I believe you have opened up the floodgates of God's blessings. I am glad your wife is getting better, I pray there are many wonderful married years ahead of you.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Joyful11,

Cory, wow, that is honest! I believe you have opened up the floodgates of God's blessings. I am glad your wife is getting better, I pray there are many wonderful married years ahead of you.

Amen

 

[joyful11]

Cory,
It's interesting that you said that. I think that in my marriage, my husband feels like I am the righteous one and that he can never measure up which makes him feel worthless. I don't feel that way, but that's how he sees it because I have had an easier life....without a lot of "big" sins. (my sins tend to be more attitude related which people don't see as much)

 

[cory533]

Cory,
It's interesting that you said that. I think that in my marriage, my husband feels like I am the righteous one and that he can never measure up which makes him feel worthless. I don't feel that way, but that's how he sees it because I have had an easier life....without a lot of "big" sins. (my sins tend to be more attitude related which people don't see as much)

My wife is the same and for years I have said she was worthy but I think I was harboring a little doubt and was in a sence slumming to stay with her. Yesterday I got slapped in the face with this reality when a freind with 13 mo clean and sober was talking about his wifes co-dependant actions pushing him toward falling off the wagon. I recognised myself in what he said about her.
about a year ago God told me to quit worrying about what she was doing. as I backed off that was a catalist for her change. Now I guess I have a new project to work on. This marriage stuff is too much like work.

 

[joyful11]

I've really been haunted lately with all of the really hurtful memories from the last few months. I've wanted to talk to M about them but didn't want to make him feel guilty. When I was so burdened by them today, I knew that if I didn't get them out, I wouldn't quit living in the past. I wrote him a letter sharing all of my painful memories and telling him I forgive him and won't bring them up again. I feel so free now. I don't want to live in those memories any more. I feel like I can move forward now. Just wanted to share.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Thanks for sharing Joyful11. I was wondering how you were doing. I am glad you are feeling better now. Hugs!

 

[tp65]

J, don't feel guilty for needing to express your pain. Just bc you forgive doesn't mean all the hurt goes away, I am sure M can understand that at some level. Keep talking to us, we love you and want to help anyway we can. T

 

[GoNoles]

I've really been haunted lately with all of the really hurtful memories from the last few months. I've wanted to talk to M about them but didn't want to make him feel guilty. When I was so burdened by them today, I knew that if I didn't get them out, I wouldn't quit living in the past. I wrote him a letter sharing all of my painful memories and telling him I forgive him and won't bring them up again. I feel so free now. I don't want to live in those memories any more. I feel like I can move forward now. Just wanted to share.

There's a HUGE difference between living in the past and memories of the past versus working-through those things. Avoiding the hurt might make it more difficult to get through. This is something that you and M need to do together. IMO, it's more important and more intimate than courtship because you will both - at this point - lay your inner-selves bare before each other. Nothing hidden... not feelings, not fears and not successes.

I've moved past the point of feeling guilt every time my wife needs to express her feelings about the past... but even if I did feel guilt, that's something that I would have to work through with Christ.

I just hope you don't feel that you have to put everything in a little box and pretend that it isn't there.

 

[GoNoles]

Cory,
It's interesting that you said that. I think that in my marriage, my husband feels like I am the righteous one and that he can never measure up which makes him feel worthless. I don't feel that way, but that's how he sees it because I have had an easier life....without a lot of "big" sins. (my sins tend to be more attitude related which people don't see as much)

my wife and I were EXACTLY the same... I had her on a pedestal (still do, to a point), but through being totally open and honest, that feeling of "I'm not worthy" has actually dissipated. I hadn't even thought about how much it had changed until I read this.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Hey guys and gals, I could really use your prayers. Just pray as the Lord leads. Thank you.

 

[joyful11]

GoNoles,
There you are. Missed you. I agree.

R8....Praying!!

 

[GoNoles]

GoNoles,
There you are. Missed you. I agree.

R8....Praying!!

I've been around... just so busy with life and moderating, etc... now with all the CF changes - WHEW!

I've missed you ladies, too, but I've been keeping tabs.

Seriously, J - my thought is that it's not good if you hold this in:

(1) you won't be dealing with each layer of the issue for yourself. You need healing, too, y'know:
(2) you will be - in effect - "keeping secrets" of the feelings going-on in your own life... exactly the opposite of what you're encouraging M to do with you, right?
(3) remember... there's no reason to fear the truth. M needs to see it that way and realize that it will take some time to heal all the wounds made during that time.

Yes, I acknowledge the Power of Christ to bring healing into your life and M's life (and anyone else, for that matter). I believe that to deny or hide these feelings hinders healing. God is capable of bringing more immediate healing as well... I have prayed that God would heal and erase memories and He has. That might be another tactic for you to try. The enemy is the one who wants to continue to make the past seem like the present and to make both you and M continue to feel defeated.

I would have that discussion with M... that this is still a spiritual warfare thing and that by keeping things open neither of you gives the enemy the satisfaction (or victory) of working on the other.

 

[joyful11]

I agree. I felt like I did a lot of healing just by telling him those things. He told me he has read part of my letter and that it was very convicting and will be difficult for him to read. Our counselor suggested that he write me a response. You are right....I'm asking him to be honest even if it hurts me so I should do the same for him.

 

[tp65]

GoNoles, so good to hear from you and, as always, great advice.

R8, praying, praying, praying

 

[Romanseight2005]

GoNoles, so good to hear from you and, as always, great advice.

R8, praying, praying, praying

Thank you so much!

 

[Romanseight2005]

I agree. I felt like I did a lot of healing just by telling him those things. He told me he has read part of my letter and that it was very convicting and will be difficult for him to read. Our counselor suggested that he write me a response. You are right....I'm asking him to be honest even if it hurts me so I should do the same for him.

That sounds like great progress!!