Sudden Traumatic Loss And Guilt

[Franny50]

Has anyone out there lost someone to a sudden death(fire,suicide,car accident,heart attack)Four months ago,we lost our next door neighbor and friend of 25 years when her clothes caught on fire,which spread through out the apartment killing her.Despite throwing two pots of water at her and using my comforter to try to suffocate the flames,she died anyway.I have so much guilt over this.She was 72 and used both a walker and quad cane.I also lost my only brother to suicide 6 years prior,and had cancelled plans to see him right before he killed himself.

 

[Broken Hearted]

Hi. Ive lost several people in very traumatic ways. I lost my mother Oct. 21, 2008 to suicide I lost my brother Jan. 3, 2010 to suicide. Ive lived with the quilt of losing both or them and Ive blamed myself over and over. Also I lost a dear friend in 2009 to suicide. I lost another close friend to a motorcycle accident in 2008. Ive lost to many and the list can go on forever. But I know the pain and guilt and how it feels. If you ever need to talk to someone Im here for ya all you gotta do is pm anytime.

 

[Franny50]

Lovely poem Broken Hearted.Thank You.

 

[Jeannieiam]

I lost my husband to suicide in May of 2009. It was such a shock even though he had told me he had suicidal thoughts (He was bipolar). I have gone through all the guilty thoughts and feelings but I have had to let it go before I drove myself crazy...I made him go get on meds...I prayed for him...I begged him not to do it...but I wasn't in control. My husband was so miserable and so sick...I can't change anything...I would give anything to have him back but that's not going to happen. I think we have to just remember we are human and God sees the big picture that we won't see until we go be with Him. I bet you are a gracious person who is kind to others so please be good to yourself and give yourself some grace...God bless you both!

 

[Franny50]

Thanks Jeannie

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I lost a good friend to suicide many years ago, and another friend died in a car accident... so there have been some tough times to deal with.

Thankfully I've been able to deal with much of that as it has been many, many years now. Know that my pm is open if you need a listening ear.

 

[Franny50]

Thanks Kristen.I think the hardest part besides the guilt of not being able to save my neighbor from the fire was dealing with the gossip(in my building)the scorn and cutting remarks from people who knew my neigbor.A number of people said to me;"You couldn't save her?" Even her niece months later has changed her attitude adversely toward me.Months later however,i am in a slightly better place.I have tried to cast aside my bitterness toward these people.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

From what I understand about fires, there are many things that could have happened to your neighbor that was more than having you put out the fire. She could've had her heart stop from fear, smoke inhalation, and I'm sure there are other things that could have been complications that would take her life.

I'm glad you're finding some peace from the bitterness. That is a painful place to be.

 

[Franny50]

She did die from smoke inhalation and possibly shock.My guilt was that I wasn't able to get her out of the apt as she lost conciousness.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I'm so sorry. Guilt is a thing that can be so mean to us. Even when we have no guilt because we've done the best we can do (like in your case) it still tries to take ownership of us.

Do you have any support groups or support people to help you through this? That has helped me a lot - being able to share my experiences with people I trust.

May I ask if you've had symptoms of PTSD from your experience?

 

[Franny50]

Thanks Kristen.I was diagnosed with PTSD after both experiences.I was in counsling for awhile but feel I am over the worst of it.I have been fortunate to have very supportive friends!

 

[Jeannieiam]

I feel so sad for you...It had to have been a horrible experience. I can't imagine anyone thinking you could actually carry her out though. People can be so cruel...
I suffer from PTSD myself from the day my husband died. I never realized life could be so hard at times...but we do serve a faithful God who sees us through the things the enemy uses to destroy us! I lived in fear of what would happen next for a long time but now I'm starting to relax a little...I hope time helps heal your memories and heart...You're in my prayers...

 

[Franny50]

Her clothes caught on fire because she had her stove burners on for heat.The fire spread through the surrounding area and after tossing two pots of water at her and using my comforter to suffocate the flames she went in to shock or unconciousness.Couldn't get all the fire out and so it spread.We called 911 right away,but it took a couple of minutes.She was a very big handicapped elderly woman,so I doubt I could have dragged her off the chair she was sitting on.The coroner said she died fairly quickly from smoke inhalation.A lot of people in my building have been judgemental about what happened,so after all the negative gossiping I just avoid people in the building.Now I dont care what their attitudes are.

 

[forGod1]

Your neighbors are something else. You did everything you could, so don't blame yourself. That's an assanine thing to do.. especially with God at the wheel.

 

[vignette]

Sometimes people can be just horrible. I guess it must be something to do with their own guilt or pain. I don't know though. Putting all the guilt onto you is just horrible. This will take time to get over, and to heal. It WILL get better and you will be strenghtened, but at the moment it hurts so much - I know. Praying for you.

 

[2880Purple]

I am so sorry for your loss and your feelings of guilt. I lost my 28 yr old son in motorcycle accident on the night of Aug 31,2011. He was sitting at a red light, when a young woman driver, not paying attention slammed into him. He was declared brain dead on Sept 1,2011. One day he was here, laughing, talking to us, as he always did, and the next, he was gone. My brain is still going back and forth, it's real, it's not real. He's going to come walking in that door at anytime now. I will hear his motorcycle again, etc. And then reality slams into my heart and I realize he is gone. He went to heaven, I know we (my husband/his father, and his younger brother (26 yrs old) will see him again, but the loss that we feel right now is so tremendous.
You did your best in trying to save your friend. I know people say cruel things and I know alot of them just don't know what to say, and end up saying the wrong things. I am learning to ignore alot of people and cherish the ones who truly understand and have compassion. She was a long time friend of yours, of course you are going to feel tremendous loss, and I can say please do not feel guilty, but that will not help you. You have to give that to God and allow Him to work on your heart and your mind. I have gone through the "why" so many times. Sometimes, there are no answers and all He wants us to do is trust in Him.
I am here anytime you want to talk. Sudden loss is very hard, your mind tells you so many things. For us it is "what if he wouldn't have changed lanes", he changed lanes in plenty of time for her to see him, she was not paying attention. I have had to forgive her, so that I do not become filled with bitterness and hatred. He was a very good son. He was not married yet, nor did he have the chance to leave us grandchildren. But because he was not wearing a helmet, he was able to donate 6 of his organs and saved 3 people's lives the day he went to heaven.
One thing we try to say in our family and stick with it is "no regrets"
I pray I have been able to comfort you in some way, and I will be praying for you. Take care and God bless

 

[Franny50]

Thank You so much for your kind words and i am sure your son would be smiling knowing all the people he helped through your generosity of organ donation.May God bless you and your family always!

 

[blackribbon]

She did die from smoke inhalation and possibly shock.My guilt was that I wasn't able to get her out of the apt as she lost conciousness.

I hope you have found some relief from this false guilt. Guilt would rightly exist if you watched and did nothing...but you didn't. You are not God and did not have the power to anticipate this or make her elderly body less delicate. Ultimately she died because it was her scheduled time to go. If she had survived, she would have suffered more. Burns are a horrific injury to heal from...the treatments are very, very painful. God granted her grace and freed her from her damaged body so that she could be with Him in a perfect one. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I hope your focus is now on your healing. The things you experienced are every bit as painful as the physical wounds she had on her body. Step one is just realizing that you did what you could with the knowledge that you had...and that IS good enough regardless of the outcome. We can't do anything more no matter how much we wished we could. Forgiving yourself for not being able to do more and accepting that is enough is a big step.

Give yourself permission to cry when you need to. Tears wash our soul and release the emotions that we are feeling. WHATEVER you are feeling is okay...(even if it doesn't seem to be right)...these are your emotions...

Don't forget to cry for yourself. This was a scary sad thing that happened and it happened to you.

And remember, no matter how weak you feel, your loving Father is always there to lean on and help you through the very moment that feels the very hardest. And on the bad days, getting through one moment at a time is ABSOLUTELY good enough.

 

[Franny50]

Thank You Blackribbon.

I am still healing from the shock of what happened,and the lost of our dear neighbor.The whole guilt thing is something that will take awhile to work out.

 

[blackribbon]

This is not something "too work out" over time...it is something that you need to address now so that you can heal.

What could you have realistically done different?

It is time to forgive yourself for being human and not perfect. God has. I am sure your neighbor has (and yes, I do think they have an awareness as they go to heaven)...she died knowing that you cared enough to try. She died being loved...yeah, you were loving her.

You are not God. You did not have the power to save her in this situation. Only He did even if someone had the strength to carry her out that day. God is the giver of life and HE is in control of when it leaves our body. If He had planned for her to live one day longer, she would have in spite of your inabilities. Don't try to place yourself higher than God in this situation. (I am sorry that sounds so harsh...but it is necessary for you to find your way through your grief journey).

If you don't let go of the false guilt, you can't even begin to heal. You did everything right. Take some time to just cry because you lost her and her life was of value. That is hurt enough in itself.