Stuck in a rut

[cloudstrife007]

Hi everyone,

The last time I posted in the singles forum was relating to being friend zoned by a sister in Christ from my church whom I had an interest in (first time I've felt strongly attracted to someone for their godliness - quite self sacrificial, critical of herself in terms of needing to live as a better Christian for Jesus, very welcoming towards ppl, always willing to share and help in ministry, always wanting to be above reproach, very non-materialistic)
I asked her for her thoughts on relationships/dating and essentially she told me she didn't think we understand each other well.

I'm probably being immature and impatient about it, but 3-4months on, I'm still struggling with moving on and trying to stop thinking about her with the extra feelings (we're still friends and serving in ministry together)

Things I've done to try move on include:

• Prayer -- first and foremost, I need to trust God and lift up my worries to Him. I might have my plans, but it is His plans which prevail (Proverbs 19:21). I really pray and hope that I haven't put her on a pedestal to be 'the one' - that's just foolish thinking. I also continue to regularly read the bible or listen to sermons.
  
• Seeking help - I've talked to brothers in Christ and rationalised things over and we agree that I shouldn't take the rejection personally, or let it distract me from other things in life.
  
• Keeping focused/doing other things: I selfishly stopped using the forums in case it caused me to keep dwelling on the issue. I've been trying to keep myself busy with people and activities like basketball on Sunday nights, swimming on Wednesdays, jogging on Saturday mornings and in between all those activities, I have my university studies and also try my best to care of the young adults (bible study/follow up) in my church.

I don't for a moment doubt that God has a greater plan and know that I need to be patient and trust Him. Maybe I'm just bad with rejection, but it just feels like I've been stuck in a rut and not getting anywhere. Just been finding it mentally draining :S

Any prayers or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Perhaps Today]

Praying that God will completely deliver you from this struggle and heal any pain you've felt because of this.

 

[Ration]

Been in similar situations. Best cure is to just talk to other girls, trying to find ones that you're even slightly interested in.

 

[shinkou]

I feel sorry to you that you have this experience. I will pray you can feel better quickly and that you can meet the right person for you. I think it can be really hard in this situation. I know it can be hard to stop feeling something when you cared about somebody. I had that experience before too. It can take a very long time to stop feeling so hurtful. I think you are doing many things that will help you to feel better. You have done many things right. I think the most important is to keep doing the same as you are doing now. It takes different times for every person, but I am sure in time you will feel much better!

 

[Touma]

It's simple. Change your Materia around and cast Love3 on her. Problem solved.


Serious, non FF7 related answer: I think it is best just to pour all your emotions onto a piece of paper, and then rip it up and throw it away. Simply trying to ignore the emotions and feelings only hurts you in the long run. Confronting them and ridding yourself of them will hurt now, but will be so nice later.

 

[Saucy]

Serious, non FF7 related answer: I think it is best just to pour all your emotions onto a piece of paper, and then rip it up and throw it away. Simply trying to ignore the emotions and feelings only hurts you in the long run. Confronting them and ridding yourself of them will hurt now, but will be so nice later.

I've done this before. It works. I put on a piece of paper what I wanted in a lady and stuffed it away someplace and never saw it again. Strange thing is, I have a peace about being single. I think that peace comes from really trusting God to bring that right person into my life. I don't know if I've already met her or have yet to meet her, but I know she's out there. It's not my time and I'd rather wait and be on God's time than force something that will only lead to heartbreak.

It's incredibly hard to move away from having feelings for someone. Trust me, I know! But at some point you need to realize that you're only hurting yourself further. And maybe you're not really in the dreaded "friends zone" but it's on hiatus because God wants to know if you're willing to wait for her. She might be the one.

 

[GGstar]

I've done this before. It works. I put on a piece of paper what I wanted in a lady and stuffed it away someplace and never saw it again. Strange thing is, I have a peace about being single. I think that peace comes from really trusting God to bring that right person into my life. I don't know if I've already met her or have yet to meet her, but I know she's out there. It's not my time and I'd rather wait and be on God's time than force something that will only lead to heartbreak.

It's incredibly hard to move away from having feelings for someone. Trust me, I know! But at some point you need to realize that you're only hurting yourself further. And maybe you're not really in the dreaded "friends zone" but it's on hiatus because God wants to know if you're willing to wait for her. She might be the one.

Just wanted to say, that was very well put Really spoke a lot to me, I'm in a similar situation and think I'll try that out!

 

[Saucy]

Thanks!

 

[Blank123]

how much have you actually distanced yourself from this friendship? i see you're praying, and talking it out, and trying to keep busy, which are all good things but... if you're still pushing a friendship with her or still allowing yourself to dwell on the "whys" or "what-ifs", then its going to be very hard to move on.

 

[Keri]

I've done this before. It works. I put on a piece of paper what I wanted in a lady and stuffed it away someplace and never saw it again. Strange thing is, I have a peace about being single. I think that peace comes from really trusting God to bring that right person into my life. I don't know if I've already met her or have yet to meet her, but I know she's out there. It's not my time and I'd rather wait and be on God's time than force something that will only lead to heartbreak.

It's incredibly hard to move away from having feelings for someone. Trust me, I know! But at some point you need to realize that you're only hurting yourself further. And maybe you're not really in the dreaded "friends zone" but it's on hiatus because God wants to know if you're willing to wait for her. She might be the one.

Great post!

 

[cloudstrife007]

how much have you actually distanced yourself from this friendship? i see you're praying, and talking it out, and trying to keep busy, which are all good things but... if you're still pushing a friendship with her or still allowing yourself to dwell on the "whys" or "what-ifs", then its going to be very hard to move on.

I'm doing ministry with her. I end up seeing her on Sunday's at church, Tues nights for leaders meetings, and thurs night when we lead the young adults for bible study.
I personally think that I should just man up and be friends and stop thinking about it. I don't like having the 'what if' thoughts at all. But it's like they just pop into my head without having to think much about it.

 

[Blank123]

There it is. You're not getting the distance from her you need. Which naturally leads to the what ifs. Its not about manning up and getting over it. Emotions don't work that way.

You might have to seriously consider taking a break from the ministeries you serve together or find areas to serve that she's not a part of. Create that distance and you'll find it much easier to give on.

 

[Blank123]

.

 

[nill]

You don't need distraction; rethink this:

Step 1. Being that she is the most wonderful woman you've met, realize that she deserves an incredible specimen of a mate.
Step 2. Being that you are not that specimen, realize that she would not be happy with you.
Step 3. You has the solution!

It's worked for me in getting over people. And I've been in the same boat as you: gotten close to some very wonderful girls when I was younger, only to realize later that they deserved someone much better than myself. And each time, it has led to success: by not being with me, they've gotten married to people that have made them happy. I would not have been able to make them happy.

In a nutshell:

There is no one person who is perfect for another person. It's all about degrees. You can be reasonably certain that she will be happier with someone else. Accept that, and move along. Of course, you'll remain single all your life this way, but that's the price we pay for knowing that we successfully stop ourselves from ruining other people's lives.

 

[shinkou]

You don't need distraction; rethink this:

Step 1. Being that she is the most wonderful woman you've met, realize that she deserves an incredible specimen of a mate.
Step 2. Being that you are not that specimen, realize that she would not be happy with you.
Step 3. You has the solution!

It's worked for me in getting over people. And I've been in the same boat as you: gotten close to some very wonderful girls when I was younger, only to realize later that they deserved someone much better than myself. And each time, it has led to success: by not being with me, they've gotten married to people that have made them happy. I would not have been able to make them happy.

In a nutshell:

There is no one person who is perfect for another person. It's all about degrees. You can be reasonably certain that she will be happier with someone else. Accept that, and move along. Of course, you'll remain single all your life this way, but that's the price we pay for knowing that we successfully stop ourselves from ruining other people's lives.

I feel very sad when I read this message. I hope you do not really feel like this. I think many people have the problem about thinking they are not good enough for the other person. I do not think you will ruin their life or you cannot make them feel happy in their life. Do you do terrible thing to them? Do you do something to make them feel hurt? If you do not do like that, then how can you ruin their life?

I think in this case the problem is about self-confidence. I know not every girl feels attraction to every guy. But that does not mean he is not good enough or that he would ruin her life. I think it is dangerous to think so negatively like this. This thinking can make the girl feel she is not interested. I know most girl does not like guys who do not feel good about themselves or do not think they are good enough. I think if you do not love yourself and think that you are not enough, then it is impossible any girl can love you or think you are enough.

 

[cloudstrife007]

lafillecherie: It's not a situation I can pull myself away from yet, at least til the end of the year when we reassess our congregation's various ministries. To remove myself from the ministries I'm involved with her in is not the most loving thing to do for the people we're looking after. And to avoid her will also be a discouragement to her because that'll mean I'm not getting over her and make her feel bad about it. Last thing I want is to make her feel bad.

Neal: I'm not trying to give myself hope in my own situation, but I certainly disagree with your point of view. To write yourself off like that means that if someone has no self confidence, they'll never see themselves as good enough for anyone.

 

[Touma]

You don't need distraction; rethink this:

Step 1. Being that she is the most wonderful woman you've met, realize that she deserves an incredible specimen of a mate.
Step 2. Being that you are not that specimen, realize that she would not be happy with you.
Step 3. You has the solution!

It's worked for me in getting over people. And I've been in the same boat as you: gotten close to some very wonderful girls when I was younger, only to realize later that they deserved someone much better than myself. And each time, it has led to success: by not being with me, they've gotten married to people that have made them happy. I would not have been able to make them happy.

In a nutshell:

There is no one person who is perfect for another person. It's all about degrees. You can be reasonably certain that she will be happier with someone else. Accept that, and move along. Of course, you'll remain single all your life this way, but that's the price we pay for knowing that we successfully stop ourselves from ruining other people's lives.

I feel ya, with this post.

 

[Blank123]

I feel very sad when I read this message. I hope you do not really feel like this. I think many people have the problem about thinking they are not good enough for the other person. I do not think you will ruin their life or you cannot make them feel happy in their life. Do you do terrible thing to them? Do you do something to make them feel hurt? If you do not do like that, then how can you ruin their life?

I think in this case the problem is about self-confidence. I know not every girl feels attraction to every guy. But that does not mean he is not good enough or that he would ruin her life. I think it is dangerous to think so negatively like this. This thinking can make the girl feel she is not interested. I know most girl does not like guys who do not feel good about themselves or do not think they are good enough. I think if you do not love yourself and think that you are not enough, then it is impossible any girl can love you or think you are enough.

I agree. Confidence is sexy. It doesn't guarantee to attract every woman you hope for, but it does attract. With the exception of certain abusive and selfish jerks I know (not on this board, I'm thinking of a very specific person I know IRL), I don't believe in "not good enough". I believe in compatibility and incapability. Just because you may not be compatible with someone does not mean that that person is better than you in any sense. It just means you're not a good match. no more, no less.

 

[Reneemo4]

I wonder if you aren't deep down somewhere holding on to that little glimmer of hope that she may change her mind. If you are, it will be impossible to discipline yourself enough to change your thought patterns.

 

[clearlycrystal]

Usually when I'm feeling things too strongly, I know it is not God. God is the still small voice, not the one beating you over the head. Cast down every imagination that exalts itself against the word of God and bring every thought into captivity. Meditate on the word of God whenever the thoughts come into your mind. Cast those thoughts down immediately. Be strong in the Lord. Don't lose the fight because you allow your thoughts to control you instead of you controlling your thoughts.