Struggling

[GreyWolf]

They censored my last post, so I'm going to try and word this differently. Maybe this one will get through.

I guess pray for me...I'm not sure I believe in God, but if he exists, I guess now would be a good time for him to help me.

I really hope this post gets through because I am at the end of my rope and I am crying out for some way to go on. If anyone has been there and can talk to me......

 

[JesusFreak2008]

Greywolf,

First things first, if you have any plan in mind of how your going to kill yourself and when, you need to get to the ER now.

Secondly, if you kill yourself it will be your blood on many peoples hands..I dont want to feel at fault for your death so I'm begging you not to give up..

 

[theartist87]

Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)! It is totally free and confidential! They can really help (trust me)! Call them whenever you feel like this. Call them whenever you feel down at all. They are there for you, they are there to talk. It is confidential!

I know what you are going through. Please call. Please! http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


See a psychiatrist! they can help you! You have these feelings due to chemical oddities in your brain. This can easily be adjusted and fixed! You don't have to live with this. It is easy to fix (Just got to remember to stay on your meds. They are what help you).

An awesome place for a ton of bipolar info: http://dbsa.invisionzone.com/index.php

 

[GreyWolf]

Jesus Freak, why would you feel at fault? Why would it be your fault?

 

[FaithfulWife]

Grey~

I can't speak for Jesus_Freak cuz that's her job to do, but I can tell you about me. The weird thing is that I really like you and I think you are an amazingly brave person for reaching out and admitting that you struggle, and I keep thinking, "Man I would like the chance to get to know her!" But if you do decide to kill yourself there will be those of use out here (in CyberLand) who will feel the loss of you. I don't know if I'd feel "guilty" per se but more like I was diminished because this person who could have been my pretty good friend is missing now.

I suspect you'd be surprised at how many people are here for ya on CF. I bet there are any number who'd stay up with you all night if necessary and just hang out with you. You know we don't have to talk about suicide ALL the time! Obviously that's on your mind and so that's a topic, but I bet you wonder about why I have seven kids don't you? Or how about whether I have any pets? Why is my username FaithfulWife? Why is yours GreyWolf? Do you like wolves?

All I'm saying is that there is a LOT of stuff we can talk about and I'd like to talk about, and I'll bet ya Jesus_Freak would too...and several other people. Cuz here's the fact--we DO care.

By the way welcome back! Missed ya!



~Faithful (CJ)

 

[Everlasting33]

Grey Wolf,

The struggle that you are facing is very real and painful. You have been carrying around so much for too long that it seems hopeless and all together exhausting. Quite understandably, you are frustrated because life has been seemingly unkind to you and perhaps you feel you are at the short end of the stick with bipolar disorder. Maybe you feel flawed, incurable, deficient, and inferior. All of this plus years upon years of trying has left you feeling depressed and suicidal.

I understand.

But if we must acknowledge weakness, despair, sorrow, pain, failure, and inadequacy we must also realize that strength, hope, joy, peace, victory and wholeness exists. I have lived only a short while, but I have realized that the potential to aspire and attain strength, hope, joy, peace, victory and wholeness is only prevented by my self-doubt and unbelief, not in fate or any disorder. I know this because if I am capable of experiencing negative emotions, I am capable of experiencing the positive.

There is no easy answer for you. We all must work hard at overcoming our disorders, flaws, and inner demons. It can feel hopeless, useless, pitiful, and downright frustrating to fight what feels cannot be won.

But life can be joyful and peaceful with the right medication, therapy, diet and social support. Please don't give up. It is never too late to find hope, peace, joy, and love.You are worth it.
http://www.wisdomquotes.com/002028.html

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.


Dorothy Thompson

 

[edrogati]

They censored my last post, so I'm going to try and word this differently. Maybe this one will get through.

I guess pray for me...I'm not sure I believe in God, but if he exists, I guess now would be a good time for him to help me.

I really hope this post gets through because I am at the end of my rope and I am crying out for some way to go on. If anyone has been there and can talk to me......

I have been there. I have unsuccessfully attempted and have thought about it since. The only thing I can tell you is that there is so much in life that is worth fighting for and so many people who love you and care about you.

 

[Alive again]

Greywolf, you can count me as someone who has been touched by you an dyour short stories you have shared with me, and one who would be diminished if you do not survive this disorder. I remember being where you are, I remember a pdoc telling me I was an amazingly strong person, and thinking you have got to be kidding me. I asked why he thought that, and he said, "To be here today, feeling how you are and to have got out of bed-that tells me you are stringer than you realize!" I can say the same thing about you!!!! You are an incredibly strong and amazing person to have fought this illness day after day.

Your feelings are lying to you because this illness, the chemicals in your brain are impacting your feelings! Feelings can be fickle and fleeting, do not judge your life just based on feelings, look also for the truths in this world. So tell those feelings the truth, you are loved and cared about by people here. You are a person of value. You have an illness that can impact you feelings-both towards depression and mania. etc, etc, etc every time your brain says yeah but your a worthless, flawed. counteract with a truth you know-yeah so are others others out there-so and so has diabetes or heart problems or was abused, etc. And confront those feelings for the disease they are.

Faith-often we also judge our faith by our feelings-when God feels close, He feels real. so just start in the book of John, and before your read, a verse or a few verses, just stop and ask the Holy Spirit, God, to reveal himself to you , and read a bit, a few verses and see what God has to say to you.

I love you, want to get to know you better, and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this world would be diminished without you here. I know this because I have lived months thinking that perhaps you were gone. . .

 

[Soulwings]

I didn't get to read your original post, but I can guess somewhat what the content was due to the responses.

Suicide is not the answer. I, too, have unsuccessfully attempted, and sometimes regret that I did not succeed... however, it is not the answer. Seek help when you are feeling so desperate. I know that it is hard, I know that it sucks, I know that you can feel like a failure... but you are stronger than you realise, you can overcome this, and you are a wonderful person. Like FW, I would love to get to know you better. You seem like you would be a good friend, someone that I would treasure, and there are so many people out there who feel the same. I can tell by the responses here that you are much cared for.

Hang tough. I know that is so much easier said than done... but I know that you can make it through these tough times. You are still here. That in itself speaks of your strength. I don't know if you've attempted or how many times, I don't know if you've been hospitalized, I don't know if you are on any meds... but I would highly recommend seeing a pdoc, because meds can really help these feelings. Chemical imbalances cause much of the suicidal ideation... yes, there are environmental factors, but with therapy those can be talked through. I have been in therapy for 3 years, and my T has gotten me through so many tough times.

Please. Fight for yourself. You deserve happiness, health, recovery, inner peace. God can help you. Seek Him out. I don't know if He will heal you, but He is there - this I know. He loves you with a neverending love, and He understands you better than anyone - ANYONE - here on earth ever could. But I will end the sermon and will just let you know that I will be and have been praying for you.

Distractions are key. This I have been telling myself lately. You have many books. Lose yourself in those other worlds. Pick up some light and easy-to-read fiction, and let yourself drift into the minds of the characters. I know that you can make it through these tough times. I know that.

Look at all the lonely hearts
Shivering out in the dark
Hiding from the truth
Cover up the proof
Demons that I've tried to hide
Imprison me in my own lies
And all that I can do is cover up the proof
Don't be afraid to...

Stand up!
Stand up if you're broken
Stand up!
Stand up if you feel ashamed
You are not alone when you hurt this way
Stand up!
Stand up if you need love
Stand up!
This is not judgment day
You don't have to hide
There's no need to run
Everything will be okay

Secrets got me torn apart
Trying to destroy my heart
But I can see the light
It's cutting through the night
Don't run away
(Don't run away)
Don't be afraid to...

You say You love me
That's all I'll ever need
If You say I'm good enough
That's good enough for me

- "Stand Up," Fireflight.

 

[Soulwings]

Double post.

 

[GreyWolf]

I'm real worried. I am supposed to see my doctor today at 2. I get a ride with the van service. Last night he said he'd call me back to tell me when he's picking me up. Well, he hasn't called. I have been calling all morning and he isn't picking up. I don't know what to do. I REALLY need to see my dr.

God help me, I can't imagine how I'm going to pull through if I don't get a med change and have to wait another 2 months to see him.

 

[FaithfulWife]

...that your pdoc will answer the phone and has made arrangements to see you today as he promised!

Please let us know, Grey, okay?


~Faithful

 

[JesusFreak2008]

Greywolf,

First off, speaking from someone who has been at the point you have several times in the last year, and I too have unsuccessfully attempted suicide and been hospitalized, why would I feel your loss? The answer is simple. I knew you were struggling, and I would feel guilty that I did not try to stop you. I care about you and anyone else around me. I care and sometimes, I care too much which causes me to get attached. I am begging you, after loosing someone who was a dear friend to suicide (I didnt stop him when he told me he felt this way) to please seek help. I care. Even if I just met you, your my friend and your prescience would be missed. A common example, when I was stabbed in the neck clinging to life in the ICU back in June 08, my fiancee made a post about a prayer for me, and lots of people came forth to pray for me. This is how much your prescience would be missed. Just like mine was. Seek help and take advice.