Struggling

[Tink04]

I'm really struggling this weekend with my decision to divorce.

I was at the counselors yesterday. I'm feeling an immense amount of pressure to continue to try and work this out with my stbx.
He told me that to get over a mountain you have to keep extending the rope, by doing something different, and try again. He says that Edison did the light bulb experiment 2000 times before he succeeded.

I have extended that rope for more then two years now. I don't want to try any more. Trying to live with an abusive person is way different from a light bulb experiment. I'm tired of wanting, hoping, praying for something and having my hopes bashed. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" My heart is sick from doing this.

The counselor has told me, recently, things like..... I have an adult child, That he finally caught a glimpse of my husbands heart. (When he was talking about someone else). Dr Phil's line "How do you know he's lying?? His lips are moving."
That with this personality disorders, He can be different, but I really can't expect him to be.
This, along with all the stuff that keeps happening, is not very encouraging to me. Yet he still tries to get me to work on this marriage.

He's not one of those radicalists that that will tell you to keep your marriage together at all cost. He is very for marriage and doesn't encourage divorce. But he does say he will help me if I want a divorce.

I don't want to deal with this any more. I'm tired of his back and forth "I love you. You are the best person in the world" Then when he gets upset. The name calling, the put downs and how I'm the worst comes out.

I don't want to be abused any more. I don't want to wonder is something good or bad is going to happen this time. I want to be able to have my own opinions and desires. To make my own choices. To be able to do things because I want to, not because he decides to allow me to.

I'm not going to be one of those women who keep bouncing in and out of an abusive relationship. It's not good for me and it would be even worse for my kids.

I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect certain things not to happen. But they keep happening.

He's been nice and generous to me lately, so I'm having a hard time. It gets that little bit of hope that is still alive. The part of me that still hopes he's going to change.

I want to believe him, but I don't.

 

[porterross]

Hi, Tink.

If you don't believe him, there is a reason for it and ignoring the consistent voice in your head that's trying to protect you is usually a bad idea, or at least it has been in my experience. You're the one who's lived with him and knows what he's capable of, so you have to trust what your gut is telling you since it's pretty overwhelming.

Whether you realize it or not, everything you posted states quite plainly that you know how to be rid of the pain and to start healing yourself and your children. It takes an incredible amount of strength to end what we have vowed to maintain, but you need to keep in mind that it was he who broke your marriage vows and you are free to go or stay as you feel God is guiding you and your children.

I'm not trivializing, just recognizing the resolve in your language and having been there myself, it's easy to recognize when you know know without a doubt what's best. Not that it makes ending the relationship easy, because it doesn't, but at least you won't be allowing yourself to be victimized any longer if that's what you feel he's done to you and your children.

Take care and remember to offer it up to God in prayer until you get an answer. He never lets us go without one.

 

[DaRev]

If the husband is being abusive, he is operating outside of the Biblical boundaries of the marriage. St. Paul calls for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves His bride, the Church. How did Christ love the Church? By being abusive toward her, or by laying down His life for her out of selfless and self-sacrificing love for her?

Sometimes it is necessary for an outside party to help discover the source of certain problems and to help discover the solutions. While I am a strong advocate for saving a marriage (I don't believe that anything cna be so broke that God cannot fix it), Satan still has some strong influences over people. When a marriage partner abandons the marriage vow by behaving apart from God's institution, sometimes the dissolution of the marriage is the only answer. Remember, there are only two Biblical grounds for divorce; adultery and desertion. Abandoning the marriage vow and acting outside of God's institution constitutes desertion.

But as in all things, God needs to be an active part. Prayer is absolutely necessary.

 

[porterross]

Thank you, Reverend. Yours are helpful words indeed.

 

[Tink04]

Thankyou, Porterross and Reverend.

 

[dayknee]

I'm really struggling this weekend with my decision to divorce.

I was at the counselors yesterday. I'm feeling an immense amount of pressure to continue to try and work this out with my stbx.
He told me that to get over a mountain you have to keep extending the rope, by doing something different, and try again. He says that Edison did the light bulb experiment 2000 times before he succeeded.

I have extended that rope for more then two years now. I don't want to try any more. Trying to live with an abusive person is way different from a light bulb experiment. I'm tired of wanting, hoping, praying for something and having my hopes bashed. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" My heart is sick from doing this.

The counselor has told me, recently, things like..... I have an adult child, That he finally caught a glimpse of my husbands heart. (When he was talking about someone else). Dr Phil's line "How do you know he's lying?? His lips are moving."
That with this personality disorders, He can be different, but I really can't expect him to be.
This, along with all the stuff that keeps happening, is not very encouraging to me. Yet he still tries to get me to work on this marriage.

He's not one of those radicalists that that will tell you to keep your marriage together at all cost. He is very for marriage and doesn't encourage divorce. But he does say he will help me if I want a divorce.

I don't want to deal with this any more. I'm tired of his back and forth "I love you. You are the best person in the world" Then when he gets upset. The name calling, the put downs and how I'm the worst comes out.

I don't want to be abused any more. I don't want to wonder is something good or bad is going to happen this time. I want to be able to have my own opinions and desires. To make my own choices. To be able to do things because I want to, not because he decides to allow me to.

I'm not going to be one of those women who keep bouncing in and out of an abusive relationship. It's not good for me and it would be even worse for my kids.

I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect certain things not to happen. But they keep happening.

He's been nice and generous to me lately, so I'm having a hard time. It gets that little bit of hope that is still alive. The part of me that still hopes he's going to change.

I want to believe him, but I don't.

WOW!!
this sounds all too familiar.

I hope you are able to find the strength that alot of us cannot. I hope you are able to do what you feel needs to be done and Im going to pray for you right quick about it too.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Hi Tink,

Remember abuse is cyclical. Sounds like you are currently in the "honeymoon" phase again, where he's being apologetic and sweet and everything is grand. If only it would stay that way...

 

[Confidant]

It's a tough decision. Abuse is a confusing thing because the victim never knows what to beleive or when to expect an explosion. I am in the same situation. I agree with my counselor that if you have done whatever it takes on your part to make things work, but your husband is not doing his part and shows no interest in changing, then it may be time to really consider it. If he is actively seeking out ways to change his behavior, then that's a good sign. There are all kinds of men's groups out there or really good counselors that could help him. Most all abusive people cannot change without professional help. I'll be praying for you and for God to give you the answers.

 

[Tink04]

Thanks ShainaBrina, I do know that, but I forgot.
I've even told other people that before.

It's a lot harder when your own emotions are involved in it.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Thanks ShainaBrina, I do know that, but I forgot.
I've even told other people that before.

It's a lot harder when your own emotions are involved in it.

Oh I totally get how hard it is. We can go around and around without ever catching on to the cyclical nature of it. Until one day it suddenly screams at us.

Only you know what is best for you. Don't let anyone guilt you into staying or divorcing. You are the one who will have to live with the consequences.

Please just make sure you are safe.

 

[HuntingMan]

instead of getting overly involved here and causing any friction in this thread, Id just like to invite you to take a look at our website and browse around the studies there.
I know some folks like to believe there are only two reasons why a believer can leave a marriage, but this view is not based on the whole word of God or a complete understanding of it.
If you are being abused you ARE within your rights in that covenant to end it...especially if you can pretty much determine that it isnt going to stop.

If youd like to keep it contained here, Id be more than happy to start showing you the relevant scripture that shows GODS heart in the matter of a wife and leaving a marriage over things OTHER than adultery or abandonment...ie for abuse. There is a very conditional statement on Pauls part in 1 Cor 7 that absolutely allows for the believer to leave the unbeliever in a case where the believer is being abused. This isnt as plain as many would want to see it, so they basically either ignore it just dont see it to begin with, but it is very definitely presented in the text. Our Lord Jesus would not demand that a wife remain married to a man who is abusing her.
Putting away for Abuse

wm

Struggling

I'm really struggling this weekend with my decision to divorce.

I was at the counselors yesterday. I'm feeling an immense amount of pressure to continue to try and work this out with my stbx.
He told me that to get over a mountain you have to keep extending the rope, by doing something different, and try again. He says that Edison did the light bulb experiment 2000 times before he succeeded.

I have extended that rope for more then two years now. I don't want to try any more. Trying to live with an abusive person is way different from a light bulb experiment. I'm tired of wanting, hoping, praying for something and having my hopes bashed. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" My heart is sick from doing this.

The counselor has told me, recently, things like..... I have an adult child, That he finally caught a glimpse of my husbands heart. (When he was talking about someone else). Dr Phil's line "How do you know he's lying?? His lips are moving."
That with this personality disorders, He can be different, but I really can't expect him to be.
This, along with all the stuff that keeps happening, is not very encouraging to me. Yet he still tries to get me to work on this marriage.

He's not one of those radicalists that that will tell you to keep your marriage together at all cost. He is very for marriage and doesn't encourage divorce. But he does say he will help me if I want a divorce.

I don't want to deal with this any more. I'm tired of his back and forth "I love you. You are the best person in the world" Then when he gets upset. The name calling, the put downs and how I'm the worst comes out.

I don't want to be abused any more. I don't want to wonder is something good or bad is going to happen this time. I want to be able to have my own opinions and desires. To make my own choices. To be able to do things because I want to, not because he decides to allow me to.

I'm not going to be one of those women who keep bouncing in and out of an abusive relationship. It's not good for me and it would be even worse for my kids.

I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect certain things not to happen. But they keep happening.

He's been nice and generous to me lately, so I'm having a hard time. It gets that little bit of hope that is still alive. The part of me that still hopes he's going to change.

I want to believe him, but I don't.

 

[SearcherKris]

Tink.

I talked with my therapist about the same thing, having second thoughts on divorce.

He asked me what my husband has done to show he is changing, willing to work on the marriage, and be a good father. Was he doing anything and was it enough?

He asked if my husband was safe enough and loving enough to live with again.

Then he asked if separating and getting lawyer was not enough to make him think maybe he should do something about it before he looses his family, what good would remaining separated without following through do?

He reminded that divorce is not the end of the world. He told me that if my husband were to change, there is always the possibility of marrying him again in the future. (I'm not holding my breath!)

By the end of the session it was plain that divorcing was the next step to take, and it was the right thing to do.

I'm not saying that my answer is your answer. But just ask yourself those questions that my therapist asked me. What answers are you getting? (you don't have to answer that in a post)

I love you, TINK! (and I don't give my I-love-you's out lightly)

Don't be so afraid of making a wrong choice that you become frozen and don't make any choice at all! An object in motion can be guided. God is your guide. There's nothing you can break that He can't fix or replace.

Blessings and grace to you.

 

[Tink04]

Thanks Hunting man, I have looked at your site before. Actually I found it quite some time ago. I know I have legitimate biblical grounds for divorce. I have read many many things and I know I am not in the wrong on this. That's not what I struggle with.

 

[Tink04]

Thanks Kris,

I don't mind sharing in a post.

Really where I struggle is my stbx's back and forth ness. The whole I love you, I hate you thing that's going on. I realize that this is because of his personality dissorder, but sometimes I really have a hard time dealing with it.

In some ways he acts like he really wants to work on this and in other ways he definitely doesn't.

He tells me he loves me, he buys me flowers. He will actually speak to me nicely now most of the time. He filled up my van with gas last week and gave it a car wash. He is still seeing our counselor. He is desperately trying to get me back.

But then he doesn't attend our church any more. He only wants the kids every second weekend because it's too hard to look after them when he has to work the next day. He's not taking the marriage classes that they had at his church and won't go to the weekend conference they had at ours.

Then there is the evil side of him the side that is jealous and wants to take from me everything good that I get that he doesn't. the side that will call me names and cut me down. The side that makes me all kinds of promises that he will do x,y, or z but then as soon as the costs out weigh the near benefits he doesn't want to do it.

My wasn't really struggling with my decision, I'm not going back unless I feel things are really going to be different. I think what I was struggling with is my emotions. I'd like to slap him or give him a good shake until he gets it.

But really now if separation and the months later decision to divorce did not get his attention enough to do some real change.

I don't tend to get so frozen that I can't move or think straight. I was already feeling emotional about this and going to the counselor just made it worse. I tend to feel a whole lot at once, I don't feel that way for a long time.

I'm fine now. I didn't change my mind, I wasn't really doubting myself. I was just feeling anxious about my decisions I think there was too much "big" going on, I got a little overly emotional.

Love you too Kris.

 

[DZoolander]

People might get upset with this - but I'll put it out there anyway.

People are what they are...and they show you who they are very quickly (for the most part.)

You have a lot of experience with your husband...and you have a pretty good gauge on who and what he is. If what's going on now feels exactly like what's gone on in the past (the cycle of abuse...as someone else showed it very accurately) - then most likely that's what it is.

I would feel no pangs of conscience for going with your gut. You do *not* have to live with abuse. Your marital vows were not designed to be a prison sentence where you were perpetually obligated to live with someone that willingly discarded and walked away from their own obligations in the marriage (to honor and cherish their spouse.) Most likely - you're probably right. The "sweetness" you may be feeling now is nothing but an attempt to keep you around until the next time that he feels more secure and is willing to start back up.

The miniscule chance that this might actually be *true* atonement isn't worth the overwhelming evidence that it's just more of the same. If you take every attempt at sweetness seriously (which it sounds like there have been quite a few...and they all ended up the same way) - you will be forever trapped - and it will not get any better.

Learn from experience and kick him to the curb. It sounds like you think it's time for the cyclical nonsense to end - and it's about time that he faced some "final" consequences for his bad behavior.