Struggling With Something..

[IntoTheCrimsonSky]

Hey Everyone,

As most of you know, my dad passed away early Monday morning. We've been planning the funeral and such and it's pretty much gone smoothly so far. Set for Sunday and there's only a couple things left to do before then.

However..I've run into a couple problems I'm not sure how to deal with..

My dad didn't exactly have a religion at the end, but had agreed last year that his birth religion of Anglican would be what he wanted at his funeral. I'm fine with that, and can get past the fact 99% of the people there may be talking about how he's in heaven now. It's kinda hard..but what can I do? I'm used to conflicting views, and I'm hardly going to turn his funeral into a fight..

However, apparently some other things are going a bit..beyond my comfort zone. For one, the funeral home booked a female Anglican reverend. I try not to judge much, as I know we all are at our own places with God..but I really don't agree with females being in that kind of position. I don't believe it's biblical, as I've expressed before. This comes from someone who wants to be a pastor one day but is willing to not because I believe God didn't plan for that.

My mom's fine with it. Thinks it's totally cool. Not sure how some other people at the funeral will think of it, but I know it's going to be hard on me. She'll be by to meet us tomorrow afternoon and I'll be nice and all..I don't know what else I can do. It's a Sunday at short notice and many of their original choices couldn't make it.

What's your advice for how to handle it? I'm not even sure if I should just keep my mouth shut on this. I know if my mom finds out it'll cause a huge fight and that's the last thing I want right now.

Beyond that, she also might be coming to the cremation viewing my mom and I are attending. I'd be fine with this if it wasn't for the fact my mom already got me to ask my Pastor (to my surprise)..who already agreed, and now she's saying we could have both there. I doubt it'd cause a problem..but I feel awkward, again. Now I have to tell him she's got someone else, but he can still come if he wants. Not to mention the difference in beliefs of what happens after death that are going to be present there, too.

I dunno. I'm not happy, but I can live with it all I guess...I..hope.

Any thoughts?

 

[ChrisCarol]

2 Timothy 2:16
23But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels.

I pray God's peace for you at this time:

Philippians 4:


6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

 

[TrustAndObey]

I'd pick my battles here Sarah, because it's what he wanted. You have a lot on your plate and I wouldn't take on more than you have to/should.

No matter what she says up there, it won't change the Biblical truth. If your pastor were to get up there and start talking about the sleep of death, I'm afraid you'd have a serious battle on your hands with family members and as I've said a hundred times before, presenting the state of the dead right after someone loses a person is NOT the right time.

Oh little sister, I wish I could make it all go away for you, I really do.

But pick your battles and decide which part of it bothers you the most and tackle that one, possibly?

 

[reddogs]

First, I want to extend heart-felt condolences on the passing of your father as the death of any parent is very difficult.

As to the funeral, make it as proper and correct as possible, allowing for your fathers wishes. Then be prepared for some people to express themselves according to their understanding and beliefs, its as simple as that. At my mothers funeral we did everything we could in the preparation so no rosary or crosses or other icons in the catholic tradition that the funeral home did by default, were in the viewing or burial.

Well one of my cousins gets up in the service when they all say their rememberances, and she said "I know your mother is looking down on you and is so happy....." I looked around and nobody flinched, no one tried to bring up a rebuke or counter argument, they just continued with their rememberances of her. I think that was best as it is just a chance for us let our hearts grieve and a ceremony to mark the passing away of a loved one, not a check of beliefs or theology....

The funeral is not for the one who has died as they feel or know nothing, but it is really for the family and friends to have a way to say goodby, hopefully for just a short while till Christ takes up the faithful and we reunite again in heaven..

 

[MidnightCry]

I know what you are going through. My father-in-law lived with us up until he died. My children and I became very close to him as he lived in our home the last year of his life and we took care of him. Prior to his becoming ill, he lived right next door to us in an old farmhouse.

My husband's whole family is Lutheran. So, of course, the funeral was held in a Lutheran Church. I had to sit through the sermon, and all the comments about Chuck being in heaven with his wife of 60 years, and how happy they must be.

It was hard not to say anything. But, I didn't want to cause a problem so I remained silent.

We had a discussion with our children, who are 6 and 12 yrs. old. before the funeral. We talked alot about their grandpa being asleep until Jesus comes back. They wanted to tell others they were wrong, but we decided it wasn't the best time.

So we made a statement by placing a teddy-bear next to grandpa with a Bible verse attached. 1 Thessalonians 4:1618.

"And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words."

My children also wrote on the note: "Have a good rest, grandpa. We love you and will see you soon."

The verse and the note were easily visible for all to read at the funeral.

My sister-in-law told me I was wrong to tell my kids that their grandpa is sleeping. She said it's not good to tell kids that and I shouldn't be doing that.

Anyway, we did make a statement in our own way, without saying anything to anyone. It made us feel alot better, and it really didn't cause any problem.

I know you are going through a rough time. But you will get through this. It will take alot of time and prayer. God bless you.

 

[DarylFawcett]

That was a neat way of letting the truth be made known quietly but firmly.

My wife and I have gone through this a few times lately. It has bothered us, however, that wasn't the time to say anything.

 

[IntoTheCrimsonSky]

2 Timothy 2:16
23But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels.

I pray God's peace for you at this time:

Philippians 4:


6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Thank you.

I'd pick my battles here Sarah, because it's what he wanted. You have a lot on your plate and I wouldn't take on more than you have to/should.

No matter what she says up there, it won't change the Biblical truth. If your pastor were to get up there and start talking about the sleep of death, I'm afraid you'd have a serious battle on your hands with family members and as I've said a hundred times before, presenting the state of the dead right after someone loses a person is NOT the right time.

Oh little sister, I wish I could make it all go away for you, I really do.

But pick your battles and decide which part of it bothers you the most and tackle that one, possibly?

I know you're right. I really don't want to cause any conflict right now. We've got enough to deal with, especially with so many of their opinions about my mom and such...

I think what bothers me the most is the fact it's a female. I accepted anglican and the beliefs that go with it as his wishes..but it's my dad's funeral, I'm playing a large part in planning it with my mom..and I feel so..helpless to not even be able to express that I don't feel comfortable with a female. Maybe I just need to learn to deal with it, though..I don't see her agreeing to changing the reverend anyway..just get mad at me. And granted..it was really hard to find one short notice on a Sunday.

First, I want to extend heart-felt condolences on the passing of your father as the death of any parent is very difficult.

As to the funeral, make it as proper and correct as possible, allowing for your fathers wishes. Then be prepared for some people to express themselves according to their understanding and beliefs, its as simple as that. At my mothers funeral we did everything we could in the preparation so no rosary or crosses or other icons in the catholic tradition that the funeral home did by default, were in the viewing or burial.

Well one of my cousins gets up in the service when they all say their rememberances, and she said "I know your mother is looking down on you and is so happy....." I looked around and nobody flinched, no one tried to bring up a rebuke or counter argument, they just continued with their rememberances of her. I think that was best as it is just a chance for us let our hearts grieve and a ceremony to mark the passing away of a loved one, not a check of beliefs or theology....

The funeral is not for the one who has died as they feel or know nothing, but it is really for the family and friends to have a way to say goodby, hopefully for just a short while till Christ takes up the faithful and we reunite again in heaven..

I think the benefit you had there was that you weren't alone in your beliefs. I'll be the only one there, that I'm aware of at this point, who has different beliefs. It's so..frustrating to not get a say in any of it, knowing that my beliefs are being shunned by family. Sigh. As you said, Christ's coming soon...then, at least this kind of pain/struggle won't be there anymore..

And thank you for the condolences.

I know what you are going through. My father-in-law lived with us up until he died. My children and I became very close to him as he lived in our home the last year of his life and we took care of him. Prior to his becoming ill, he lived right next door to us in an old farmhouse.

My husband's whole family is Lutheran. So, of course, the funeral was held in a Lutheran Church. I had to sit through the sermon, and all the comments about Chuck being in heaven with his wife of 60 years, and how happy they must be.

It was hard not to say anything. But, I didn't want to cause a problem so I remained silent.

We had a discussion with our children, who are 6 and 12 yrs. old. before the funeral. We talked alot about their grandpa being asleep until Jesus comes back. They wanted to tell others they were wrong, but we decided it wasn't the best time.

So we made a statement by placing a teddy-bear next to grandpa with a Bible verse attached. 1 Thessalonians 4:1618.

"And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words."

My children also wrote on the note: "Have a good rest, grandpa. We love you and will see you soon."

The verse and the note were easily visible for all to read at the funeral.

My sister-in-law told me I was wrong to tell my kids that their grandpa is sleeping. She said it's not good to tell kids that and I shouldn't be doing that.

Anyway, we did make a statement in our own way, without saying anything to anyone. It made us feel alot better, and it really didn't cause any problem.

I know you are going through a rough time. But you will get through this. It will take alot of time and prayer. God bless you.

That was a really good and tactful way of dealing with it. Thank you for sharing.

I figure my best way is if anyone mentions it, I can at least just say that I'm glad he's at peace now..as his life was such a struggle at the end. At least I'm not lying, but it's so hard when a friend tries to comfort you by telling you they're sure he's in heaven. I mean..how do you reply to that?

 

[DRL]

When my Mom died 6 years ago she told the family what she wanted and it was done that way. It was what Mom wanted. No one disputed it or said anything adverse. What really surprised me was that Mom wanted a Mariachi band to play her favorite songs at her graveside service. Then at the memorial service, inside the SDA church, the band played the same songs. One was "Jalisco" which is a very lively song. The pastor did not say a thing. I praise him for that.
At the memorial service the hospice chaplain told me my Mom was in heaven. At that time I was still SDA in beliefs and I told him thanks but I do not believe as you do.
I am now a former SDA and believe different, but I would not say anything to anyone at a funeral. That is the wrong place to bring up a discussion like that. I would keep my mouth SHUT.
So, if everything is being done the way your Dad wants, let Dad's last wishes be done.
DRL

 

[longhair75]

Friend Sarah,

My Mom passed away in 2000. I am the only member of my family to leave the Church of Rome, and I understand how you feel. My two sisters and I met with the priests and planned the funeral service. As an Anglican I had very little to contribute to planning a Roman Catholic service. I realized that my sisters were doing the best they could to see that Mom's funeral was done in a manner that would have pleased her. I stood back and let them take the lead.

I did the same when it came time to plan both of my sisters funerals.

 

[TrustAndObey]

Sarah, I believed in immortality of the soul for many, many years and it didn't make death any easier to cope with. No matter what we believe, it is still very hard.

Comfort one another with THESE words.....(1 The 4:18). Those aren't the words we hear at most funerals and since we do believe in the biblical account of death, it is hard not to say something-but there's a time and a place.

I'm going to write my own funeral. I'm serious. That way my parents won't get mad at the messenger (my pastor) because I'll tell them in advance that I'm writing it myself.

If the fact that she's female bothers you that badly, do you want to talk about the verses in scripture about it? Would it make you feel better?

I think the silence of women in churches is terribly misconstrued sometimes and I'd like to offer you an alternative view about that if it'd make you feel better.

 

[TrustAndObey]

Friend Sarah,

My Mom passed away in 2000. I am the only member of my family to leave the Church of Rome, and I understand how you feel. My two sisters and I met with the priests and planned the funeral service. As an Anglican I had very little to contribute to planning a Roman Catholic service. I realized that my sisters were doing the best they could to see that Mom's funeral was done in a manner that would have pleased her. I stood back and let them take the lead.

I did the same when it came time to plan both of my sisters funerals.

Wow Peter, you've had a lot of loss. I'm so sorry brother.

I won't have any say in my parents' funerals when that time comes. They are both Baptist and they'll want a Baptist service even though they haven't been in a church in many years.

I'll honor them in death as well as life, and I will respect their wishes. What else can you do really?

 

[sentipente]

No one is helped by turning a funeral into a theological debate. Grief is hardly a sound basis for conversion, anyway.

I remember when I pastored in Barbados. Barbados is predominantly Anglican and most of the cemeteries are attached to Anglican churches. Unless one was able to get to one of the two or three public cemeteries on the island Adventists had to have two funerals. First, we would have a funeral service at the Adventist church then we would take the casket to the Anglican church and the Anglican priest would take over.

Let's face it, God does not decide what to do with the dead based on what we say at the funeral.

 

[longhair75]

Wow Peter, you've had a lot of loss. I'm so sorry brother.

I won't have any say in my parents' funerals when that time comes. They are both Baptist and they'll want a Baptist service even though they haven't been in a church in many years.

I'll honor them in death as well as life, and I will respect their wishes. What else can you do really?

THank, s my friend. I am the youngest of five children. My older sister, who is 68, and I are all that are left. LIfe shouldn't be taken for granted.