Struggling with scrupulosity

[romansroad]

Hello brothers and sisters. I have followed Christ for many years I have struggled with OCD since I was a young teen. At first it was having to say things a certain amount of times for it to feel right. That abated and it did not rear its ugly head it I was 35. Sitt at home with my wife, all of a sudden, I started having blasph thoughts about the Holy Spirit. It scared me to death. We didny know what was going on and didn’t go to the hospital For an evaluation. After about a yea, I agreed to go into an inpatient psychiatric hospital. at that point, they didn’t really know what was going on and treated me for simple anxiety. The medication helped and was able come off a lot of it after a while. At the beginning of this year it returned exce on steroids this time. I have never had these kinds of thoughts in my entire life. Along with it was an urge or an anger or hate towards God. I don’t understand any of this even though I have known about scrupulosity for a while now. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings but at times it feels as if I am an apostate or have committed the unpardonable sin. I feel lost, God doesn’t talk to me anymore. I can’t read the Bible without having the worst thought. I am on prozac an one other medication. It slows the thoughts do but it makes you not care about anything. I feel like someone has switched my brain with an unbeliever . I feel hopeless. It’s been 11 months and my faith is waning. The thoughts may have slowed but these urges are just not going away. I know John Bunyan had issues like this. I know that scrupulosity can flip your beliefs and make you question everything I am in counseling but they are having me try to do things that are scary. Only God knows about my soul but I want God to heal me and restore my soul. I believe in miracles as I have witnessed them before. I grew up in a very strict denomination which really was more about works than faith. Couple that with a an austere father I really hated as a teenager. i feel I have viewed God like my earthly father and tried to perform to get his approval through good grades and athletic performance. I refuse to give up though. I covet your prayers.

 

[Mari17]

Hello brothers and sisters. I have followed Christ for many years I have struggled with OCD since I was a young teen. At first it was having to say things a certain amount of times for it to feel right. That abated and it did not rear its ugly head it I was 35. Sitt at home with my wife, all of a sudden, I started having blasph thoughts about the Holy Spirit. It scared me to death. We didny know what was going on and didn’t go to the hospital For an evaluation. After about a yea, I agreed to go into an inpatient psychiatric hospital. at that point, they didn’t really know what was going on and treated me for simple anxiety. The medication helped and was able come off a lot of it after a while. At the beginning of this year it returned exce on steroids this time. I have never had these kinds of thoughts in my entire life. Along with it was an urge or an anger or hate towards God. I don’t understand any of this even though I have known about scrupulosity for a while now. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings but at times it feels as if I am an apostate or have committed the unpardonable sin. I feel lost, God doesn’t talk to me anymore. I can’t read the Bible without having the worst thought. I am on prozac an one other medication. It slows the thoughts do but it makes you not care about anything. I feel like someone has switched my brain with an unbeliever . I feel hopeless. It’s been 11 months and my faith is waning. The thoughts may have slowed but these urges are just not going away. I know John Bunyan had issues like this. I know that scrupulosity can flip your beliefs and make you question everything I am in counseling but they are having me try to do things that are scary. Only God knows about my soul but I want God to heal me and restore my soul. I believe in miracles as I have witnessed them before. I grew up in a very strict denomination which really was more about works than faith. Couple that with a an austere father I really hated as a teenager. i feel I have viewed God like my earthly father and tried to perform to get his approval through good grades and athletic performance. I refuse to give up though. I covet your prayers.

Thank you for sharing! I have scrupulosity as well. Fear of blasphemy is a very common obsession for Christians with religious OCD. I have found the blog articles at Scrupulosity.com to be very helpful. There are articles about committing the unpardonable sin on there, so you might find that useful. I am also part of the group coaching program on that website, and have found that to be helpful and encouraging as well.

 

[romansroad]

Thank you for sharing! I have scrupulosity as well. Fear of blasphemy is a very common obsession for Christians with religious OCD. I have found the blog articles at Scrupulosity.com to be very helpful. There are articles about committing the unpardonable sin on there, so you might find that useful. I am also part of the group coaching program on that website, and have found that to be helpful and encouraging as well.

I have been on there. I am going to check the group coaching out today.

 

[RamiC]

I don’t want these thoughts and feelings but at times it feels as if I am an apostate or have committed the unpardonable sin.

Different Christian traditions have varied opinions on the unpardonable sin, but I am entirely convinced that no one who cares whether or not they have commited it needs to worry. If you are bothered about the possibility that you have commited it, you have not. I quote an article about it below, but please skip the link if it might aggravate your stress to look at it. The article is long, and thorough, so if that might help anyone around here to take a look, that is why it is up. No obligation.

For no one who has fixedly refused the work of the Holy Spirit would be worried that he or she might have offended the Holy Spirit. The very fact that a person would be concerned about his or her relationship with Jesus is evidence that he or she isn’t hardened against the Holy Spirit!
What Is the Unpardonable Sin? | Christian Research Institute

I feel lost, God doesn’t talk to me anymore.

I know this one, not from OCD, but PTSD, and loved ones PTSD. Jesus does still know you are there, He does love you, that is a fact of life in this universe. You do not have to feel like He loves you, or be calm all the time, or brimming with joy about the fact that He loves you, in order to be saved. Saved is a status, not a feeling.

I hope you are lead by the Lord to a more comfortable place for your mind.

 

[Mari17]

I have been on there. I am going to check the group coaching out today.

That's great! I also really like Mark DeJesus' Youtube channel. He has a playlist of many videos about OCD.
Mark DeJesus

 

[romansroad]

Thank you Mari17. I have listened to him some. I do things on this journey that is textbook scrupulosity. I try to say the opposite of my thought, I research constantly, I seek reassurance, I pretty much stay away from triggers but every once in a while I will approach them to see if I have the same response. “Do I still feel this anger and cynicism toward God”? I know all of that is foolish but I am desperate. I read passages like Hebrews 10:26-29 And I just know it’s talking about me. I am ashamed of all my willful sin. I wish I could back 40+ years and do the right things this time. I am angry at the person I have become because of it. I am learning more about myself though. Turns out I am a narcissist. I sought peoples approval and praise because of growing up so poor. I always wanted to be known as intelligent and good at what I do. I never saw how selfish I was. Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry for the long reply.

 

[St_Worm2]

“Do I still feel this anger and cynicism toward God”? I know all of that is foolish but I am desperate. I read passages like Hebrews 10:26-29 And I just know it’s talking about me.

Hello Romansroad, I've been meaning to jump into this thread since I first noticed it yesterday, so I'll do so now. My first question for you is this, why do you believe that Hebrews 10:26-29 is talking about you? Have you been continually and willfully rejecting the Lord Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

I ask, because that's the particular sin that is being referred to here (see v29), the sin that some of the 1st Century Jewish ALMOST Christians were guilty of committing, the sin that, if not repented of by them, would have left them without a sacrifice for their sins, since rejecting Him = rejecting the One and Only Sacrifice that could redeem them and save them from their sins, and from the Father's wrath in the age to come. There is no other Savior besides Him .. e.g. Isaiah 43:10-11.

So, the good news is, if you haven't fully/willfully/finally rejected the Lord Jesus as your Savior and Lord (like some of the 1st Century Jewish ~almost~ Christians were about to do), then you can rest assured that Hebrews 10:26-29 is NOT talking about you

I am ashamed of all my willful sin.

GOOD And here is pastor/theologian A. W. Pink to tell you why that's "good", and why it's so important (because loving God enough to be ashamed of our sins, and to immediately confess them and turn from them after we commit them is one of the best ways that we have to prove, to ourselves and to others, that we really are the Christians that we claim to be).

 

[romansroad]

st_worm2, thank you for your encouragement. I fell into a period of sin about 20 years ago that I had a hard time breaking free from. I would ask forgiveness and promise I would not do it again but found I would fail again. Trying to gut it out and rationalizing my sin. I became addicted to pain medicine during a period of about 12 years during which I had 10 major surgeries, some of them just a few months apart. I began to use them as a means to quiet the noise in my head and to feel some modicum of happiness. I never stopped praying, but as I look back on that was I actually rejecting Christ? It really worries me. I look at that time as “presenting my flesh as instruments of unrighteousness“. I fear that I may have hardened my heart beyond repentance, leading to apostasy and that is why this scrupulosity flare hit me out of the blue. God had removed His Spirit from me and I was lost. During this year I have weep many tears and asked God’s forgiveness repeatedly, but I just don’t hear from God or feel Him as much. My denominational upbringing placed a lot of emphasis on emotion. If you didn’t cry when you asked forgiveness you weren’t sincere. If you sinned you had to ”pray through again” with complete brokenness. Sorry, I know that was long and probably TMI, but it is out there. I know I have some warped views of Heavenly Father. I have to place my faith in His grace and forgiveness, not on my performance.

 

[Mari17]

Thank you Mari17. I have listened to him some. I do things on this journey that is textbook scrupulosity. I try to say the opposite of my thought, I research constantly, I seek reassurance, I pretty much stay away from triggers but every once in a while I will approach them to see if I have the same response. “Do I still feel this anger and cynicism toward God”? I know all of that is foolish but I am desperate. I read passages like Hebrews 10:26-29 And I just know it’s talking about me. I am ashamed of all my willful sin. I wish I could back 40+ years and do the right things this time. I am angry at the person I have become because of it. I am learning more about myself though. Turns out I am a narcissist. I sought peoples approval and praise because of growing up so poor. I always wanted to be known as intelligent and good at what I do. I never saw how selfish I was. Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry for the long reply.

Thank you for your response! Do you think that maybe your labeling yourself as a narcissist is also OCD, or partly OCD? We all struggle with selfishness, to varying degrees. I think perhaps something more beneficial than labeling yourself is to recognize that Jesus meets you where you are, and transforms you from there.

I also wonder about the validity of equating dependence on pain medication with rejecting Christ. Is trying to dull your pain the same as apostasy? It seems like a bit of a stretch.

I think that putting emphasis on emotion in faith can be rather damaging, particularly for those with OCD, who already tend to use too much emotional reasoning. I wonder if the most childlike faith is praying simply and then believing that God heard us, rather than feeling like we have to go through emotional gymnastics to gain His forgiveness. After all, Jesus' model of prayer, commonly known as the Lord's prayer, was very simple and straightforward.