I just want to say that I'm not used to asking anyone for help about this kind of stuff or anything really, I mostly figured out my problems on my own but I can't do that in this case. I don't like to talk about this kind of stuff but I am at a point where I really just don't know what to do any more.
I am 15 and I touch...allot, at least I used to a week ago. I started when I was 10 when I unintentionally masturbated when I stumbled on a porn site and just kept going from there. I wasn't nearly as religious back then as I am now, I still believed in god and went to church every now and then but I admit I didn't care that much for god and I did some pretty bad thing (like: stealing, swearing...etc) and feel really bad about it now.
When I was young, I spent allot of my time on the computer learning everything I could, I found my self really interested to technology, It was like technology spoke to me. I started learning animation, video effects, designing, web developing, coding...etc. The fact that I was still young made it hard for me to understand and also having ADHD didn't help at all but I was full of pride back then and wouldn't give up. I would get stressed allot trying to do things that I simply couldn't do but I still didn't give up, for some reason I just kept going, I had so much motivation that I would even go into things that are considered university level. I though my self that with enough motivation I could do anything. But spending allot of time on the internet has dragged me into this world of pornography and has changed my life completely.
I masturbated almost everyday. At first, I didn't know what It was but I quickly realised that I was masturbating but I didn't care at the time, all I knew was that it felt good so I kept doing it. I first started masturbating to porn and really loved seeing naked women having sex. I would sometimes let my imagination take over and imagine my self having sex with some girls I like from my school.
It was also at that time that my life has changed. one day I felt something on my mind but I just couldn't figure out what is was, day after after day that feeling got stronger. At one point, I started praying, I don't remember why, maybe I was scared. I prayed for god to protect me from evil, ever since then, I just couldn't get god out of my mind, I couldn't just pretend like I didn't care any more, there was something inside of me that just kept telling me "pray!", so I did.
I eventually started praying allot, maybe a little to much. It's not that I didn't love god, sometimes I would find myself always repeating the same sentence over and over and over every couple of minutes even seconds, "I love you god and I always will". Maybe it's my OCD forcing me to keep saying it or maybe its my fear of god giving up on me but I always found it unusual.
I am not very well educated about the bible or god's history or much about religion, and it is my fault alone. I was born Christian and raised to believe in god, I used to go to Sunday school every week but because of my ADHD I didn't pay much attention when the teacher was teaching and in result of that I don't know much about my religion.
As I grew up, and continued with my struggle to learn and do the things I loved, I would always get this feeling towards my work. It was filled with stress and fear to fail but also kept me going with the motivation to succeed, I think it was pride and mixture of other emotions, I always felt that I was different to others and I realised that I was. I though differently to others, I liked to appreciate all that I had and didn't think life was just something we can mess around with. I eventually started to think that I was better than every one else, that I put more effort and tried to perfection my work for I am a perfectionist and I want everything to be at it's best and used in the best way.
I became an expert at computers and other technologies by the time I was 14.
I felt that I kept getting closer and closer to god every day and started to look more into things. I stopped swearing, stealing and many sins that I knew where bad. God changed my life for the better, I loved who I was and always appreciated every moment, food, love, everything that happened to me. I kept masturbating not knowing if it was good or bad so every time before I masturbated I would apologise just in case. That feeling in side of me kept telling me it was bad so one day I looked it up but couldn't find anything for some reason so I kept masturbating.
By the time I was 15, I became more religious and thanked god everyday for what I had. I still didn't know allot about god or what he wants me to do and not do so a couple of month later, out of frustration I looked it up again and found many results. This is when the stress started, on this website, some people say it is a grave sin and it separated you from god, I was shocked. I started looking up more things wanting to know more about god, I am so confused by the information I have found. Lust of the flesh, controlling your mind, adultery....... I have no idea what to do and I don't know what to believe any more. I love god and I don't want him to be angry at me. I promised I would never touch ever again. It is VERY hard for me, my mind just keeps poping up nude women in my head and I really want to touch but I just keep telling my self NO! My whole body and mind wants to touch but my will to god keeps me from doing it. Sometimes I feel like forgetting that I ever knew that it was a sin and just keep masturbating, but I didn't, sometimes I would even go so far as to punch my self in the balls so I wouldn't give in.
As I kept doing research , I kept finding these people with the same problem. Some sites and people say that god wants you to be happy so you can touch when you are stressed or need to relax. Allot people say that they touch every now and then and pray to god for forgiveness, they say that god is forgive full and will forgive your sins. I don't know what to do, my life is in ruins and feel like crap. It is said that to be allowed in gods kingdom you must purify your self of evil and pornography and stuff like that but I don't know how! I don't want to go to hell and cease to exist, I want to go to heaven and spend eternity with god. Allot of people say that you must confess your sins with your priest, I am VERY shy and I can't defend for my self or ask for help. I don't think there is anyone like me in my community that I can talk to. Every one in this generation is corrupt and barely cares about god even if they still believe in him. When my friends where young, they used to be so innocence and pure compared to now. They all swear and all they think about is girls and sex. I really want to help them but they won't care, no one knows that I am even religious, I am just that innocent kid to everyone else.
Everyone swears and sins more than I can count. Some of my friends have betrayed god and that made me really sad because they are going to die and probably go to hell. No one I know would under stand what I am going trough because they don't love god like I do. The kids that go to my church are more respectful but they still do bad things sometimes but even though they still wouldn't understand and I don't know how to approach my priest to confess my sins.
Sometimes, I would get really horny because my mind and body isn't used to me not masturbating when I want to. I would get really stressed because I don't want to be separated from god, I would even start to doubt my self and thinking that masturbation is maybe not that bad and god would forgive me. I was not sure so I just kept fighting...against my self. I don't know what to do and I honestly don't think that I can hold it much longer. I might end up just doing it and then feel terribly bad about it.
I know I shouldn't be saying this but to be honest there are so many things that I wanted to touch to or see certain women nude or watch a certain hentai that I never got around to watching. These things are going haunt me, I know it. Every now and then, I see a picture of a hot girl when I am surfing the web and I can't help my self but look at it. Usual when this happens I eventually end up masturbating.
I want to learn everything about computers, and that includes animation and designing. Those are the two things that I really like to do but I like to specificity animate and work with girls. It is not that I do this because I want to look at girls, it is just a personal preference. Sometimes I work with girls that are wearing a bikini or other times it is just normal clothes. But sometimes they are completely nude and I have to put clothes on them, they aren't real women though, they are anime girls so does it still count as a bad thing considering I am seeing a nude girl? They still look kinda like us and are still pretty attractive in my opinion.
Honestly I hate writing, I was never good at it so I apologise for all my mistakes. I am still very surprised that I actually wrote all this but I guess it is much easier to write about your life than research projects. I am sorry that I went a little off topic sometimes or wrote to much. This is more like a life story than anything else so sorry that it was long but I felt like I should add all the details. It took me about a week to write all this, I really hope I can get some help. I don't want to be harsh but I am confused enough as it is and really don't need someone who doesn't know what he is talking about to confuse me even more, I would highly appreciate someone who knows his facts and can make a clear point because I get confused easily.
Thanks you for those who actually read all the way through.
I am 15 and I touch...allot, at least I used to a week ago. I started when I was 10 when I unintentionally masturbated when I stumbled on a porn site and just kept going from there. I wasn't nearly as religious back then as I am now, I still believed in god and went to church every now and then but I admit I didn't care that much for god and I did some pretty bad thing (like: stealing, swearing...etc) and feel really bad about it now.
When I was young, I spent allot of my time on the computer learning everything I could, I found my self really interested to technology, It was like technology spoke to me. I started learning animation, video effects, designing, web developing, coding...etc. The fact that I was still young made it hard for me to understand and also having ADHD didn't help at all but I was full of pride back then and wouldn't give up. I would get stressed allot trying to do things that I simply couldn't do but I still didn't give up, for some reason I just kept going, I had so much motivation that I would even go into things that are considered university level. I though my self that with enough motivation I could do anything. But spending allot of time on the internet has dragged me into this world of pornography and has changed my life completely.
I masturbated almost everyday. At first, I didn't know what It was but I quickly realised that I was masturbating but I didn't care at the time, all I knew was that it felt good so I kept doing it. I first started masturbating to porn and really loved seeing naked women having sex. I would sometimes let my imagination take over and imagine my self having sex with some girls I like from my school.
It was also at that time that my life has changed. one day I felt something on my mind but I just couldn't figure out what is was, day after after day that feeling got stronger. At one point, I started praying, I don't remember why, maybe I was scared. I prayed for god to protect me from evil, ever since then, I just couldn't get god out of my mind, I couldn't just pretend like I didn't care any more, there was something inside of me that just kept telling me "pray!", so I did.
I eventually started praying allot, maybe a little to much. It's not that I didn't love god, sometimes I would find myself always repeating the same sentence over and over and over every couple of minutes even seconds, "I love you god and I always will". Maybe it's my OCD forcing me to keep saying it or maybe its my fear of god giving up on me but I always found it unusual.
I am not very well educated about the bible or god's history or much about religion, and it is my fault alone. I was born Christian and raised to believe in god, I used to go to Sunday school every week but because of my ADHD I didn't pay much attention when the teacher was teaching and in result of that I don't know much about my religion.
As I grew up, and continued with my struggle to learn and do the things I loved, I would always get this feeling towards my work. It was filled with stress and fear to fail but also kept me going with the motivation to succeed, I think it was pride and mixture of other emotions, I always felt that I was different to others and I realised that I was. I though differently to others, I liked to appreciate all that I had and didn't think life was just something we can mess around with. I eventually started to think that I was better than every one else, that I put more effort and tried to perfection my work for I am a perfectionist and I want everything to be at it's best and used in the best way.
I became an expert at computers and other technologies by the time I was 14.
I felt that I kept getting closer and closer to god every day and started to look more into things. I stopped swearing, stealing and many sins that I knew where bad. God changed my life for the better, I loved who I was and always appreciated every moment, food, love, everything that happened to me. I kept masturbating not knowing if it was good or bad so every time before I masturbated I would apologise just in case. That feeling in side of me kept telling me it was bad so one day I looked it up but couldn't find anything for some reason so I kept masturbating.
By the time I was 15, I became more religious and thanked god everyday for what I had. I still didn't know allot about god or what he wants me to do and not do so a couple of month later, out of frustration I looked it up again and found many results. This is when the stress started, on this website, some people say it is a grave sin and it separated you from god, I was shocked. I started looking up more things wanting to know more about god, I am so confused by the information I have found. Lust of the flesh, controlling your mind, adultery....... I have no idea what to do and I don't know what to believe any more. I love god and I don't want him to be angry at me. I promised I would never touch ever again. It is VERY hard for me, my mind just keeps poping up nude women in my head and I really want to touch but I just keep telling my self NO! My whole body and mind wants to touch but my will to god keeps me from doing it. Sometimes I feel like forgetting that I ever knew that it was a sin and just keep masturbating, but I didn't, sometimes I would even go so far as to punch my self in the balls so I wouldn't give in.
As I kept doing research , I kept finding these people with the same problem. Some sites and people say that god wants you to be happy so you can touch when you are stressed or need to relax. Allot people say that they touch every now and then and pray to god for forgiveness, they say that god is forgive full and will forgive your sins. I don't know what to do, my life is in ruins and feel like crap. It is said that to be allowed in gods kingdom you must purify your self of evil and pornography and stuff like that but I don't know how! I don't want to go to hell and cease to exist, I want to go to heaven and spend eternity with god. Allot of people say that you must confess your sins with your priest, I am VERY shy and I can't defend for my self or ask for help. I don't think there is anyone like me in my community that I can talk to. Every one in this generation is corrupt and barely cares about god even if they still believe in him. When my friends where young, they used to be so innocence and pure compared to now. They all swear and all they think about is girls and sex. I really want to help them but they won't care, no one knows that I am even religious, I am just that innocent kid to everyone else.
Everyone swears and sins more than I can count. Some of my friends have betrayed god and that made me really sad because they are going to die and probably go to hell. No one I know would under stand what I am going trough because they don't love god like I do. The kids that go to my church are more respectful but they still do bad things sometimes but even though they still wouldn't understand and I don't know how to approach my priest to confess my sins.
Sometimes, I would get really horny because my mind and body isn't used to me not masturbating when I want to. I would get really stressed because I don't want to be separated from god, I would even start to doubt my self and thinking that masturbation is maybe not that bad and god would forgive me. I was not sure so I just kept fighting...against my self. I don't know what to do and I honestly don't think that I can hold it much longer. I might end up just doing it and then feel terribly bad about it.
I know I shouldn't be saying this but to be honest there are so many things that I wanted to touch to or see certain women nude or watch a certain hentai that I never got around to watching. These things are going haunt me, I know it. Every now and then, I see a picture of a hot girl when I am surfing the web and I can't help my self but look at it. Usual when this happens I eventually end up masturbating.
I want to learn everything about computers, and that includes animation and designing. Those are the two things that I really like to do but I like to specificity animate and work with girls. It is not that I do this because I want to look at girls, it is just a personal preference. Sometimes I work with girls that are wearing a bikini or other times it is just normal clothes. But sometimes they are completely nude and I have to put clothes on them, they aren't real women though, they are anime girls so does it still count as a bad thing considering I am seeing a nude girl? They still look kinda like us and are still pretty attractive in my opinion.
Honestly I hate writing, I was never good at it so I apologise for all my mistakes. I am still very surprised that I actually wrote all this but I guess it is much easier to write about your life than research projects. I am sorry that I went a little off topic sometimes or wrote to much. This is more like a life story than anything else so sorry that it was long but I felt like I should add all the details. It took me about a week to write all this, I really hope I can get some help. I don't want to be harsh but I am confused enough as it is and really don't need someone who doesn't know what he is talking about to confuse me even more, I would highly appreciate someone who knows his facts and can make a clear point because I get confused easily.
Thanks you for those who actually read all the way through.
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