Struggling with Lust

[loveanddeath86]

Hello everyone,

Warning--this is a long post. I have a lot to share and I hope that you can follow my thoughts through this possibly rambling post.

I am a 27 year old single female and I have struggled with homosexual feelings consciously since I was in fifth grade. Now my desire to have physical intimacy with another woman is more intensified than ever before. I have never had sex with a woman or a man, never been in a dating relationship with either as well. I have never had a lot of friends and have struggled most of my life with being a loner. I only have three friends and they're not that close friendships. Two are guys. The girl friendship is more of an acquaintance.

It's not just sex that I crave but it's female touch and nurturing comfort. My mother has never been the kind to really give that kind of affection, even though I know that she loves me. I also feel like I missed out on having a close relationship with my mom during the years that I needed it most growing up because she went insane three times with bipolar disorder. Once when I was 13, another when I was 16, and another when I was 19. Each time, it hit my mom's faith very hard and she became kind of withdrawn and not actively mothering like she used to.

The last ten years I have felt handicapped inside, like I don't know how to be a woman because I didn't have someone show me how. I don't know how to shop for clothes or present myself attractively or put on makeup. I don't know how to relate well to other people. I feel so desperate that I would PAY another woman to just hold me close and care about me and love me. I have even considered posting an ad on Craigslist for it. But then these desires morph into impure sexual desires.

Three years ago, a lady was praying for people at the church I used to go to. She told me that she sensed that I desired a mother figure and she told me that God was going to send me a surrogate mother and that she would love me and show me how to be a woman while God worked to heal my biological mother. I was blown away because I didn't tell her anything and it was like she spoke exactly what was in my heart. I began to pray for the fulfillment of the surrogate mother and I had a dream that I thought indicated who it was, but then when I shared with the lady, she didn't feel the same way. Then I talked with my (female) pastor, and she said she would be my spiritual mom. But a lot of things happened at the church in the months following after and I was warned by another person to leave this church and there were a lot of unhealthy signs going on there. Many people ended up leaving the church. I never got to have this relationship that I really wanted. I guess I feel robbed.

I guess my point in posting this is to ask for prayer and advice. I'm struggling with lustful feelings towards other women and just really wanting physical intimacy in general but not even close to getting married, don't even have a boyfriend. Sometimes, I think about sex or another woman holding me every three seconds it seems.

What should I do?

Thank you all for your time and any advice!

 

[Johnnz]

Your need for a caring, close relationship is a basic human one, but sadly never satisfied. It is possible that you have never integrated your sexuality, as a woman, with your underlying sexual maturity. That will work against developing heterosexual feelings and relationships.

You would appear somewhat introverted too, which has resulted in a very linited social life. I would be surprised if you were actually same sex orientated, but more likely not well integrated with your sexuality and lacking self confidence socially.

John
NZ

 

[Spunkn]

I can relate somewhat. My dad, while a loving parent, never showed me a lot of guy stuff.

He never taught me how to change the oil in the car, never showed me how to change a tired, never showed me how to shave, things like that. When we went camping, he usually did everything, and it would have been a great opportunity for him to teach me things, but he never did.

I feel in a lot of ways, like I missed on out some things. We did go fishing a lot, so there was at least that.

I'm not saying a father has to do all the "macho" stuff like hunting, shooting guns, and all that but I still think boys need to be taught certain things with their fathers. They need a certain "guy" time , just like girls do.

But , even if are parents miss something things raising us up. There's still a God who loves us, and can carry us through that journey even if our parents didn't. There's a God who will guide us through things we may not know, or have experienced.

He knows what you've been through and what you are experiencing.

Have you ever talked to your mom about it? I mean really talked to her. Let her know how it's made you feel? Is she still struggling with being bipolar?

I would keep praying, or perhaps you can go talk to a pastor / counselor. Maybe God will send another person into your life to help you through this.

 

[seutol85]

Like Johnnz said, your need for a caring, close relationship is a basic human one, but sadly never satisfied.

Satisfaction and purity in human relationships comes only when we have an active relationship with the Lord. Very often, there is an emptiness we feel because there's is a vacuum in our heart that God wants to and ought to occupy. Sadly, we fail to realize this and we get so emotional and physical about this, and we try to fill that vacuum with human relationships.

My advice for you is to get deeper in your relationship with God. Try to spend more time praying, studying the bible, and so on. Try this for just a few days and you'll be amazed at the positive change you'll feel and experience. I used to struggle with my sexual urges (mine turned into addictions)...but when I discovered the advice I'm giving you, things changed. I only feel those strong unholy urges when my relationship with God is cold. But when you get to intimate with God, those urges will vanish (trust me).

 

[Struggling4Jesus]

I applaud you for being honest about your very strong and possibly overwhelming sexual feelings. There is a sense around that only men struggle with serious sexual feelings for women, and women are above it or don't succumb in the same way. This is patently and obviously not true. Men do like to look at attractive women it's true, I do myself I can't help it, but women are no different it seems. Attraction is attraction, beauty is beauty and good looks are good looks and all our eyes are drawn to someone who looks attractive; that's just the way it is.

There are issues of loneliness with you that are also part of the mix too, and perhaps the need for cuddles and warmth and love, that are not really part of sexual desire, but a need to be loved. We often mix love and sex together, when they are not always compatible things.

It sounds like you had unfortunate experiences in your childhood, and those experiences can define your whole life and can affect your life, if you let them. But I am not being critical as it isn't easy to overcome these issues as we all probably have one or two issues ourselves.

I don't know if this helps, because I won't post trite answers because I don't really have any, but I feel I have similar issues to you, although I am a heterosexual man with at times intense sexual feelings for women which can overwhelm me at times. My problem is that I had lots of negative experiences with women and eventually I got fed up with it all and withdrew from the dating scene, but of course with that hunger we all have to meet someone to love, settle down with, have kids and start a new life etc etc. So tied in with these sexual feelings are issues of love and romance. Being a Christian, I know we are meant to be pure and chaste, which I have tried to be, but I feel that I have missed out somehow and it makes me feel depressed. Perhaps it's also the need to be loved and accepted for who you are as well. So for me anyway, I have the anger towards unpleasant women and knowing that I have to still go out of my way to find a girlfriend; that's a problem. And then of course I have strong feelings of lust, fantasies if you like, about women all the time. I pray about this issue now because it's a problem and I know it.

<edit>

Right; here's some advice I could suggest, the things I do myself. Ask God into the situation through prayer, help from others (where possible but be cautious about this), read the Bible, get some literature from Amazon that is useful about sexual urges, and try to find some friends who will love you for you. Also, try and find some hobbies, do something like go to college, take up photography, or learn to cook a particular cuisine, start a blog talking about your experiences to help others, and so on. Something that is wholesome and gets you away from obsessing about your sexual feelings.

I hope that helps a little. Please get back to me (I assume I will be notified of this) if you want to talk further.