i was doing so well.
i have always suffered from bouts of depression, major anxiety and panic attacks ever since i can remember. my maternal side of the family is very um offbalanced you might say so i figure thats where this comes from. certain things just really set it off, but i'm not quite sure what they are.
its only a problem for me though. i could never talk to my parents about it and they would always joke about how i was a teenager way before my time just because i was so moody, but they never really understood the depth of it. i cant count the number of times i cried myself to sleep, or even during the school day when i would lock myself in a bathroom stall and just cry. ppl always thought i was just melodramatic...
this has led to many issues. i felt ugly, dumb, like i was never good enough. looking back i realize this isnt true (well the dumb part isnt). people tell me i'm beautiful but im not. i have a horrible complexion and i change my appearance often in attempt to feel good about myself. i attract guys on purpose, then ignore them (also on purpose). i have hurt so many nice, decent guys' feelings like this. i do this so often and it sickens me that i can be so heartless that i have to play around with other ppl's emotions to stabilize mine.
these days, usually im a very happy person. i have lots of great friends. i love them so much and i cant tell you how many ppl told me to call them at any time if i ever needed to talk and they'd listen. but it doesnt work that way. i try but they always think im kidding or they get very uncomfortable. so basically many times i put on this happy face and let it all build up inside until i do something very strange like sneaking out of the house in the middle of the house and crying myself to sleep in the wooded lot nearby
i havent felt like this lately i try to just be unstressed and keep everything happy and cheerful and usually it works. a few monthes ago i started having panic attacks again but with God's help, i've worked thru that and i was doing so well up until today.
i had a good day at work. things were going fine. then, a call from my kinda boyfriend changed everything. it wasnt anything either. a bad connection (he's in some other state) led to me hanging up on him. then i started thinking about the way ive treated him and how he's probably gotten fed up with me and hates me now and wont ever talk to me again and then i started thinking about everything and of course, start the waterworks. it was sickening. i'm still crying as im typing this.
i know i have nothing to be sad about, so why am i? one little thing that shouldnt have set me off did and now i dont see an end in sight. i pray but why isnt God helping me?
i have always suffered from bouts of depression, major anxiety and panic attacks ever since i can remember. my maternal side of the family is very um offbalanced you might say so i figure thats where this comes from. certain things just really set it off, but i'm not quite sure what they are.
its only a problem for me though. i could never talk to my parents about it and they would always joke about how i was a teenager way before my time just because i was so moody, but they never really understood the depth of it. i cant count the number of times i cried myself to sleep, or even during the school day when i would lock myself in a bathroom stall and just cry. ppl always thought i was just melodramatic...
this has led to many issues. i felt ugly, dumb, like i was never good enough. looking back i realize this isnt true (well the dumb part isnt). people tell me i'm beautiful but im not. i have a horrible complexion and i change my appearance often in attempt to feel good about myself. i attract guys on purpose, then ignore them (also on purpose). i have hurt so many nice, decent guys' feelings like this. i do this so often and it sickens me that i can be so heartless that i have to play around with other ppl's emotions to stabilize mine.
these days, usually im a very happy person. i have lots of great friends. i love them so much and i cant tell you how many ppl told me to call them at any time if i ever needed to talk and they'd listen. but it doesnt work that way. i try but they always think im kidding or they get very uncomfortable. so basically many times i put on this happy face and let it all build up inside until i do something very strange like sneaking out of the house in the middle of the house and crying myself to sleep in the wooded lot nearby
i havent felt like this lately i try to just be unstressed and keep everything happy and cheerful and usually it works. a few monthes ago i started having panic attacks again but with God's help, i've worked thru that and i was doing so well up until today.
i had a good day at work. things were going fine. then, a call from my kinda boyfriend changed everything. it wasnt anything either. a bad connection (he's in some other state) led to me hanging up on him. then i started thinking about the way ive treated him and how he's probably gotten fed up with me and hates me now and wont ever talk to me again and then i started thinking about everything and of course, start the waterworks. it was sickening. i'm still crying as im typing this.
i know i have nothing to be sad about, so why am i? one little thing that shouldnt have set me off did and now i dont see an end in sight. i pray but why isnt God helping me?
!! God may feel far away, but you know He's not. i think you feel so lonely from lack of understanding fellowship. it hurts us to keep things inside. we need a loving friend. locking yourself up and crying out to God is what i'd do too. "the Lord is close to the broken hearted" Psalm 34:18 .... how about we talk one on one? you pop me a pm if you want. 
love & prayers, dee
ecchhhh 3am + awake = error 
