Struggle *TW*

[berry2000]

I can't handle my emotions. I deserve to be hurt. There is too much pain. Too many imperfections in myself. I shake it off for a day or two and then it returns. I hate all the shows on tv about 9/11. The pain is more than I can bear. More than I am able to cope with. And yet I do not act. I sit with all this unbearable pain inside of me and feel like I am going to explode. I made several mistakes at work today and that is unacceptable to me. I cannot handle the negative feelings about myself. There is too much pain. And yet I do not act. I sit with the pain...and I think about self harm.

 

[texannurse]

Don't give up Berry!! You can cope with this in a healthy way. Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel?

We are all cheering you on and of course, sending many prayers to heaven for you! I'm here if you ever need to talk.

texannurse

 

[berry2000]

I may not make it this time. I may not have the strength to keep fighting. There is just so much pain, anxiety, frustration, and well pain. I feel so alone. I know it is all a bunch of lies but i am starting to believe them.

 

[berry2000]

Don't give up Berry!! You can cope with this in a healthy way. Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel?

We are all cheering you on and of course, sending many prayers to heaven for you! I'm here if you ever need to talk.

texannurse

Still struggling a lot. Please pray. I was very close. Closer than I have been in a long time. But I resisted. I don't think I can continue to win this battle if it continues much longer. But then again perhaps I just need to hand it over to God to fight for me and on my behalf. My thoughts are filled with lies. Atleast I know they are lies but they are still with me. I have fallen into a depression. Feels like i am living in molasses, hard to move, motivate, think. Please pray. And if anybody else has anything encouraging to say. (Thanks for your support texasnurse...it helped me get through today).

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Meredith, it's awesome to hear that you resisted it - you have amazing courage my dear . Beautiful, have you got anyone to talk to about this? Recovery is such a hard process and sometimes we think that if we're recovering we're a failure for having any of the old thoughts. Please call or talk to someone when you begin to feel overwhelmed...actually, call or talk to someone anytime! You're important Hun and I know you've got the courage to keep on this road of recovering. You can do it!

I also want to remind you of some threads we've got in here that might help. Goldenviolet's God's word a blessings for us daily has some awesome verses in it. You're also God's little butterfly and I hope you may always remember it.



Shalom,
Steffi

 

[berry2000]

Thanks I desparately needed that encouragement. I decided last night with weapon in hand to instead take my anxiety medication that i have on an as needed basis. So I made it through the night. I am meeting with one of my counselors from church today but we have never really spoken of self harm yet, we only mentioned it as something i did in the past. She is new to me so i am a little afraid to tell her i am actively struggling with it. But hopefully God will give me strength.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

That's great that you took the medication instead! Wow . I'm not sure if you see it, but God has given you strength Meredith and it seems you're using that strength wonderfully! .

I'll be praying for you today as you talk to your counselor from church and I hope all goes well .

Shalom,
Steffi

 

[berry2000]

Thank you Steffi,
You know sometimes even the smallest word of encouragement and support can help so incredibly much. So has what you have said of me and to me. The "crisis" which I attribute 100% to hornones seems to be going away. Thank you for saying you see strengh sometimes when you are fighting Satan tries to tell you how weak and pathetic you are and I do forget the truth.

I talked to the counselor today and was honest with her. That was hard to do. She is different than my therapist whom is not a Christian...because she will tell me "that is Satan tempting you" and it kind of remiinds me of the spirtual battle at hand here.

My prayer is and always will be that somehow, someday the Lord will turn this all around. That my painful experiences with self harm and bipolar/depression will not be in vain. That I might be able to help those who are hurting with the compassion that I myself have received from the Lord.

Like it says:

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Thank you Steffi,
You know sometimes even the smallest word of encouragement and support can help so incredibly much. So has what you have said of me and to me. The "crisis" which I attribute 100% to hornones seems to be going away. Thank you for saying you see strengh sometimes when you are fighting Satan tries to tell you how weak and pathetic you are and I do forget the truth.

I know the lies he tells, but that's all they are - lies. Things so unstable as his stories aren't what we should base our lives on . I said I see strength in you because I really do. I've been here for the last few months and I know it hasn't always been easy, but you kept going. That's awesome!

I talked to the counselor today and was honest with her. That was hard to do. She is different than my therapist whom is not a Christian...because she will tell me "that is Satan tempting you" and it kind of remiinds me of the spirtual battle at hand here.

That's wonderful that you told the counselor the truth! Wow!

My prayer is and always will be that somehow, someday the Lord will turn this all around. That my painful experiences with self harm and bipolar/depression will not be in vain. That I might be able to help those who are hurting with the compassion that I myself have received from the Lord.

Beautiful, I have already seen your compassion in these threads and I know He is using you to show His love. I have complete faith that He will deliver you too .

 

[TheWakeUpCaller]

My prayer is and always will be that somehow, someday the Lord will turn this all around. That my painful experiences with self harm and bipolar/depression will not be in vain. That I might be able to help those who are hurting with the compassion that I myself have received from the Lord.

Like it says:

You seem very intelligent and very much on the right path. Always try and talk to a christian about your problems, as they see the world differently than the rest. I have had many problems like this too, and I work with patients who have these issues. I tell you this to let you know that you are not alone, and that with the power of God you will overcome and be able to help others. I personally believe this is why we go through our battles, to teach and prepare us for the good fight ahead of us...May God bless you and keep you.....michael

 

[mamalonglegs]

I can't handle my emotions. I deserve to be hurt. There is too much pain. Too many imperfections in myself. I shake it off for a day or two and then it returns. I hate all the shows on tv about 9/11. The pain is more than I can bear. More than I am able to cope with. And yet I do not act. I sit with all this unbearable pain inside of me and feel like I am going to explode. I made several mistakes at work today and that is unacceptable to me. I cannot handle the negative feelings about myself. There is too much pain. And yet I do not act. I sit with the pain...and I think about self harm.

hi berry2000:
You sound like you are in an awful spot. 1st forget that perfection is attainable and necessary. You are older now and not in the situation that may have made feel like you had to "walk on egg shells" "need to perfect or else!"

That situation no longer applies so try to turn it off. You are a human being. Humans aint perfect. That is why we need each other and more importantly why God sent His Son as our Redeemer.

Something that may help you is to do what is called a Negative Thinking Log. Doing those help me a lot. The purpose is to write out the irrational statement that was once true but no longer applies. Then underneath it write down what support that statement. The belief that makes it look right in your eyes. Finally, write down a challenge to the statement. You might not believe the challenge yet but you know inside that it is true.
You read the challenge everyday, several times a day and act on it as if it is true. Soon enough it will become true because you will know where the false statement came from, why it know longer applies, and can become free from it.

Example: I wrote this statement-I am a piece of meat.
This is my belief-No one protected me and my abuser could do whatever he wanted when he wanted.
The Challenge-I am no longer that young abused, unloved, and unprotected child. I am an adult. I am healthy. I can love myself. There others who love me and care about me. I am a real person.

Try it and see what you can discover about your pain is coming from and find that it may no longer be justifiable. You can acknowledge that it was at one time. Put closure on it and start your life over as it now is surrounded by many things you will be surprised to learn. I know I was.

Look at the responses in this forum. You have worth in here. Take the time to work on yourself. You are a human being worthy of love and respect especially your own.

mamalonglegs